I don't normally do this, and in fact am not a fan of reaching out online but I figured it is a good place for me to start before I seek out Al-Anon. I have done a ton of research on my own terms about alcoholism and loving an alcoholic and feel as though I am in a whirlwind of emotion at this point.
I met my boyfriend almost 3 years ago through a friend and co-worker who was dating his twin brother. We knew of each other before we met only briefly and met at a bar in our hometown and hit it off immediately. We had a great connection from the beginning, we were drinking socially and met again later in the week at his house after he contacted me again. Our relationship started out relatively normal, fun, and honestly still is today......as you can guess, minus his one deeply seeded habit......drinking. I noticed our first kiss tasted like whiskey, and blinded by a new relationship, I definitely thought about it but it didn't become a more serious problem until I realized that it really was out of hand. My boyfriend and his twin brother live together currently, and drink together nightly. Whether it's whiskey, or at least 6+ beers a night, it's almost rare that any night goes without some form of alcohol consumption. Between the two of them, they can kill at half gallon of whiskey in a night on a Friday night and just minutes upon coming home from work there is a drink in hand. Drinking i heaviest on the weekend, because "they work all week and deserve it". My boyfriend can hold a good job, and have never been violent with me when drunk. I sometimes find whiskey bottles hidden in the house, and smell alcohol on him almost 90% of the time. When there is no alcohol in the house, he and his brother are completely different people.....unengaged, quiet, irritable, and in some cases angry.
Some things about me before I continue, I am a medical professional in my late 20's, I work very hard and have been around alcoholics my whole entire life. If there was anything I wanted for my adult life, it was a stable partner who was able to clear headedly support me and love me without being substance dependent. I have watched alcohol ruin multiple peoples lives, families, and health. My parents are both alcoholics and while I've never been close to my father, watched my mother deal with alcohol essentially ruining her life. So alternately, this experience with my boyfriend has been especially traumatizing for me....and it's really hard for me to have him understand that.
Me and my boyfriend have an oddly strong relationship regardless of his addiction. I've really tried to remain strong in the process, seeking out any help and advice, but his promises or attempt at stopping have always been a lie. I've confronted him about drinking dozens of times, and it is the one sole thing in our relationship that I am convinced with cause it to fail. I've really tried to be graceful, remaining hopeful that he will seek help, or magically get the will power to stop drinking. He even has admitted to his problem, but won't seek any help because AA isn't his "style". He would rather not seek out that kind of help because he thinks hearing other people's problems will not be beneficial to him, and he is not good in a group of people.
I see such good in him, so much potential. As our relationship gets more and more serious, the more anxious I become. I don't want to constantly be picking up the pieces of my alcoholic husband in the future. I deserve someone who can support me, love me, and live a healthy life. I'm not sure as to where to go with all of this yet, but I know that writing this out really helped me put my feelings into perspective. I anticipate one day I am going to have to give an ultimatum where it's me or the drink, and it might separate us. It's so hard to see myself without him in any point of my life, but I don't need a life of turmoil. Alcohol also ruined his parents marriage, and has had major health complications in his mother. I just know without doubt I cannot live my life with an alcoholic.....I have spoken those exact words to him. I have made my thoughts/feelings/opinions very very clear to him. When will it become too much? We don't live together as of now, and I will be taking a lease on an apartment that I will be committing to for a year. I feel as though at that point, if nothing has changed then I will be forced to do the inevitable.
Thanks for listening.
shrnp said
Mar 25, 2017
Hello beharvs,
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. Alcoholism is a family disease. Many of us are adult children of alcoholics. It is not uncommon for us to slip into a relationship with an alcoholic because it is comfortable. Alcoholism is progressive. At first an alcoholic can still maintain some normal parts of their life. Many people help them, that is why Alanon teaches us to not be enablers. It is about us keeping control of our own sanity and finding peace. I am glad you are here, keep coming back!
Iamhere said
Mar 25, 2017
beeharvs - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Alcoholism is progressive and chronic - it's never cured but can be treated through recovery of some type and also abstinence...My experience is nothing I did, said, promised, threatened, etc. affected the behavior in others - never has and never will. What had to change in my life was me - how I act, react, think and tie my emotional state to other people's actions, words and deeds.
The disease affects the heart, mind, attitude and soul of the affected. Every alcoholic I know was a good person - the disease did not change that - it just made them sick. Some recover, some do not - but that is their journey and for me, I had to separate/detach my well-being from their journey in life.
I also hope for them to find their peace and joy as I've worked Al-Anon to find mine. It saved my sanity and gave me back my life and joy. I hope you find local Al-Anon meetings and attend a few to see what you think. Keep coming back here too - there is help and hope in recovery.
Junenine said
Mar 27, 2017
hello, beeharvs. welcome to the group. you are certainly in the right place. i'm relatively new, too. my ABF and i had a fantastic first few years (2 or 3) until his relapse brought him down. the lies he maintained for YEARS to hide his drinking from me and his attempts at detox and rehab have put me through the wringer. i always had incredible faith and hope in us as a couple but his alcoholism has made me question everything. when i met him he was dedicated to AA, had a network, did service, attended meetings frequently and talked about what a lifesaver the program was for him. later (once he had relapsed even tho i didn't know it), he found all kinds of objections to AA. i knew something was wrong, but didn't know what.
i encourage you to find a local meeting. chances are high that you will find a group of people who understand everything you're going through remarkably well, because they've walked in very similar shoes.
I don't normally do this, and in fact am not a fan of reaching out online but I figured it is a good place for me to start before I seek out Al-Anon. I have done a ton of research on my own terms about alcoholism and loving an alcoholic and feel as though I am in a whirlwind of emotion at this point.
I met my boyfriend almost 3 years ago through a friend and co-worker who was dating his twin brother. We knew of each other before we met only briefly and met at a bar in our hometown and hit it off immediately. We had a great connection from the beginning, we were drinking socially and met again later in the week at his house after he contacted me again. Our relationship started out relatively normal, fun, and honestly still is today......as you can guess, minus his one deeply seeded habit......drinking. I noticed our first kiss tasted like whiskey, and blinded by a new relationship, I definitely thought about it but it didn't become a more serious problem until I realized that it really was out of hand. My boyfriend and his twin brother live together currently, and drink together nightly. Whether it's whiskey, or at least 6+ beers a night, it's almost rare that any night goes without some form of alcohol consumption. Between the two of them, they can kill at half gallon of whiskey in a night on a Friday night and just minutes upon coming home from work there is a drink in hand. Drinking i heaviest on the weekend, because "they work all week and deserve it". My boyfriend can hold a good job, and have never been violent with me when drunk. I sometimes find whiskey bottles hidden in the house, and smell alcohol on him almost 90% of the time. When there is no alcohol in the house, he and his brother are completely different people.....unengaged, quiet, irritable, and in some cases angry.
Some things about me before I continue, I am a medical professional in my late 20's, I work very hard and have been around alcoholics my whole entire life. If there was anything I wanted for my adult life, it was a stable partner who was able to clear headedly support me and love me without being substance dependent. I have watched alcohol ruin multiple peoples lives, families, and health. My parents are both alcoholics and while I've never been close to my father, watched my mother deal with alcohol essentially ruining her life. So alternately, this experience with my boyfriend has been especially traumatizing for me....and it's really hard for me to have him understand that.
Me and my boyfriend have an oddly strong relationship regardless of his addiction. I've really tried to remain strong in the process, seeking out any help and advice, but his promises or attempt at stopping have always been a lie. I've confronted him about drinking dozens of times, and it is the one sole thing in our relationship that I am convinced with cause it to fail. I've really tried to be graceful, remaining hopeful that he will seek help, or magically get the will power to stop drinking. He even has admitted to his problem, but won't seek any help because AA isn't his "style". He would rather not seek out that kind of help because he thinks hearing other people's problems will not be beneficial to him, and he is not good in a group of people.
I see such good in him, so much potential. As our relationship gets more and more serious, the more anxious I become. I don't want to constantly be picking up the pieces of my alcoholic husband in the future. I deserve someone who can support me, love me, and live a healthy life. I'm not sure as to where to go with all of this yet, but I know that writing this out really helped me put my feelings into perspective. I anticipate one day I am going to have to give an ultimatum where it's me or the drink, and it might separate us. It's so hard to see myself without him in any point of my life, but I don't need a life of turmoil. Alcohol also ruined his parents marriage, and has had major health complications in his mother. I just know without doubt I cannot live my life with an alcoholic.....I have spoken those exact words to him. I have made my thoughts/feelings/opinions very very clear to him. When will it become too much? We don't live together as of now, and I will be taking a lease on an apartment that I will be committing to for a year. I feel as though at that point, if nothing has changed then I will be forced to do the inevitable.
Thanks for listening.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. Alcoholism is a family disease. Many of us are adult children of alcoholics. It is not uncommon for us to slip into a relationship with an alcoholic because it is comfortable. Alcoholism is progressive. At first an alcoholic can still maintain some normal parts of their life. Many people help them, that is why Alanon teaches us to not be enablers. It is about us keeping control of our own sanity and finding peace. I am glad you are here, keep coming back!
The disease affects the heart, mind, attitude and soul of the affected. Every alcoholic I know was a good person - the disease did not change that - it just made them sick. Some recover, some do not - but that is their journey and for me, I had to separate/detach my well-being from their journey in life.
I also hope for them to find their peace and joy as I've worked Al-Anon to find mine. It saved my sanity and gave me back my life and joy. I hope you find local Al-Anon meetings and attend a few to see what you think. Keep coming back here too - there is help and hope in recovery.
hello, beeharvs. welcome to the group. you are certainly in the right place. i'm relatively new, too. my ABF and i had a fantastic first few years (2 or 3) until his relapse brought him down. the lies he maintained for YEARS to hide his drinking from me and his attempts at detox and rehab have put me through the wringer. i always had incredible faith and hope in us as a couple but his alcoholism has made me question everything. when i met him he was dedicated to AA, had a network, did service, attended meetings frequently and talked about what a lifesaver the program was for him. later (once he had relapsed even tho i didn't know it), he found all kinds of objections to AA. i knew something was wrong, but didn't know what.
i encourage you to find a local meeting. chances are high that you will find a group of people who understand everything you're going through remarkably well, because they've walked in very similar shoes.