Ive been gone for awhile trying to re-adjust. Sorry for the lengthy post. Im just looking for some words of encouragement and suggestions. I have read a few post and they really resonated with me.
I have been in a relationship with my now exAB for almost two years. Stuck by him continuously as we all have who are on this site. Recently things really took a turn for the worse. He found out his child support in doubling and is afraid he is going to lose everything, because he just can't afford it. Things had gotten to the point where I couldn't even ask a question like "Are you picking up your son tomorrow". He would just snap at me. Any question regarding his ex or his son in turn got me snapped at. That subject was off limits, so I just stopped asking any questions. Mind you it didn't used to be an issue. It's just been since the last month or two that it's gotten to the point where he drinks daily now. Before he would go on binges as least once every two months. Now the drinking has increased and his tolerance is minimal. This past weekend he went on a binge from Friday to Monday. He slept in his car, drank, urinated on himself for 4 days. He just plain doesn't care anymore. I've tried to suggest he get help, but he doesn't want help. He has given up. I cant watch him kill himself and treat me like a rug in the process.
We were in the middle of a bathroom remodeling project and because of his binge he left me to complete it myself (I knew nothing about plumbing, or restoration, thank goodness for Google!). I felt so abandoned. Not to mention I found conversations between him and another woman stating he couldn't wait to meet up with her. Calling her honey etc. I felt so betrayed. We have broken up before, but this time was it......I am done! I feel so betrayed. Not only has he left me to complete a project we started together, he has proven that I mean NOTHING to him. Alcohol is first, everything else takes priority over me. For some reason the light came on blaring. I have tried to be there for him, but it means nothing to him. I have been enabling him. I see it now. I finally broke it off. For good. I hope he finds his happiness, Here I am feeling betrayed.AGAIN. I guess the old saying rings true. 1st time, shame on you, 2nd time shame on me.
I cant go back, there is no trust and it cant be repaired. I cant help him; he has SO much anger, and resentment that its being reflected on me. He cant see through the hate (of his ex), that it has consumed him. And he knows it, and has admitted it is true. He cant let it go. I think he still loves his ex, and because in his words shes screwing him he feels so much hate and resentment. He just doesnt know how to deal with his feelings (hes been an alcoholic all his life). Its so sad, but I have to move out of the way of this tornado. Not my monkey, not my circus. Thanks for listening. Also..I know everyones first response is head to an Al-Anon meeting. Ive tried them. I am going to try to find one tomorrow night, but I am seeing a therapist. This has taken a toll on me..more than I realized.
-- Edited by starcatcher2 on Thursday 23rd of March 2017 11:48:23 AM
SerenityRUS said
Mar 23, 2017
I wish I had an easy button for those moments of knowing I need to do the work and choosing to go hunt for an easier softer way .. what if I did .. fill in the blank.
A double winner said to me you are never going to be skinny enough, sexy enough, good enough housekeeper, mother, wife, blah blah blah to find a way to beat addiction and if you were there would be a line around your house for the miracle answer. It sounds like you have reached that awareness and are taking a step back .. very difficult .. however good for you.
He is showing you who he is .. in the disease of the moment .. believe him and more of a better way to go .. believe in yourself. Put the same effort into you that you have wasted and I do mean wasted putting into the empty vat .. it's like a trick vase .. it never fills up.
I truly am sorry for your pain and what you are going through .. now is the time to heal .. now is the time to take care of you and let his HP take care of him. You are right .. there are 4 ways out for an A, .. they will choose to find another enabler, they will go out in a body bag, they will be institutionalized .. the end result if they choose to continue down that path is to go out in a body bag .. that is their responsibility no one else's.
Prayers for peace for both of you and glad you are seeking a meeting. Hugs S :)
starcatcher2 said
Mar 23, 2017
Hi Serenity RUS,
Your post was actually the first one I read when I logged back on. I was going to post my situation in your comments, but I didn't want to take away from your topic. I can completely understand what you are going through and needing a "break". I couldn't imagine being told "You are never going to be skinny enough, sexy enough, good enough housekeeper, mother, wife, blah blah blah" that takes courage to leave. I'm glad that you did! I hope your current relationship brings you happiness....after your break :).
I (on the other hand) need a permanent one. I wish I could fast forward through all this BS. I can say the best thing he IS doing for me is NOT contacting me. I received the "I'm sorry", "I'm a piece of SH!@", and "I'm sorry I failed you" texts to get a response out of me, but this time they did NOT pull at my heart strings.
You are right. He IS showing me who he is, and he has done a darn good job of it I have to say!
Now is my time to loose the 20lbs I gained since I've been with him, and get back to my pre-relationship weight.
He will implode eventually, but I hope that he sees the light before then. He doesn't realize what he has. He is just too filled with hate.
Thank you for the prayers and hugs. I'll need them.
Iamhere said
Mar 23, 2017
(((starcatcher))) - welcome back - good to see you here again. As we all 'hear' and then come to accept the disease is powerful and progressive. I am so sorry you're being affected like you are - I've heard it said and then came to believe that one's rejection is God's protection. While meetings may sound 'hard' right now, it is in the meetings that I found solace, understanding and others who would love me until I could love myself.
The name of the group I attend is Happy, Joyous and Free. I've come to realize this was exactly what I set as my goal and also what I truly want for my qualifiers. I am powerless to get them there, but I can pray for that for them.....I believe today this is what God wants for all of us - to be happy, joyous and free - free of limitations, free of sadness, free of the holds of this disease.
Please be gentle with you and know that you are worth 'it'. 'It' may be program, meetings, self-care, etc. - taking care of you is so worth it...more will be revealed!
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery...
starcatcher2 said
Mar 23, 2017
Thank you IAMHERE for your kind words. I am trying to keep positive for myself. I know I deserve better....I know this. I need to get my head out of the clouds and back to reality. He's not going to come running up to me, professing his love for me, and how much he wants me in his life. The promise to himself to want to change and get help. I know it will never happen. I don't want to say he won't ever change. He just wont change while I am in his life. That's the sad truth. Whatever that motivation is I hope that he finds it.
a4l said
Mar 23, 2017
Lately im thinking alcoholism equates with two worlds, each hidden from the other. Its a distorted land there in drunktown. Nothings really real but the drink and its effects seem like an easy escape from living life and its issues like partners, children, exes, family, work, conflict, emotional problems etc etc. You get to a place where its just really bloody sad under all the anger and disappointments. Because nothing in active alcoholism is real and it is always progressive until arrested by true recovery. The search for oblivion fulfills itself if pursued long enough. Take care.
starcatcher2 said
Mar 24, 2017
Well said. I couldn't have said it better myself. And my exab has said that he uses it to mask hurt, emotions, problems and stress. He just can't deal....or doesn't want to.
Hi.Im back!
Ive been gone for awhile trying to re-adjust. Sorry for the lengthy post. Im just looking for some words of encouragement and suggestions. I have read a few post and they really resonated with me.
I have been in a relationship with my now exAB for almost two years. Stuck by him continuously as we all have who are on this site. Recently things really took a turn for the worse. He found out his child support in doubling and is afraid he is going to lose everything, because he just can't afford it. Things had gotten to the point where I couldn't even ask a question like "Are you picking up your son tomorrow". He would just snap at me. Any question regarding his ex or his son in turn got me snapped at. That subject was off limits, so I just stopped asking any questions. Mind you it didn't used to be an issue. It's just been since the last month or two that it's gotten to the point where he drinks daily now. Before he would go on binges as least once every two months. Now the drinking has increased and his tolerance is minimal. This past weekend he went on a binge from Friday to Monday. He slept in his car, drank, urinated on himself for 4 days. He just plain doesn't care anymore. I've tried to suggest he get help, but he doesn't want help. He has given up. I cant watch him kill himself and treat me like a rug in the process.
We were in the middle of a bathroom remodeling project and because of his binge he left me to complete it myself (I knew nothing about plumbing, or restoration, thank goodness for Google!). I felt so abandoned. Not to mention I found conversations between him and another woman stating he couldn't wait to meet up with her. Calling her honey etc. I felt so betrayed. We have broken up before, but this time was it......I am done! I feel so betrayed. Not only has he left me to complete a project we started together, he has proven that I mean NOTHING to him. Alcohol is first, everything else takes priority over me. For some reason the light came on blaring. I have tried to be there for him, but it means nothing to him. I have been enabling him. I see it now. I finally broke it off. For good. I hope he finds his happiness, Here I am feeling betrayed.AGAIN. I guess the old saying rings true. 1st time, shame on you, 2nd time shame on me.
I cant go back, there is no trust and it cant be repaired. I cant help him; he has SO much anger, and resentment that its being reflected on me. He cant see through the hate (of his ex), that it has consumed him. And he knows it, and has admitted it is true. He cant let it go. I think he still loves his ex, and because in his words shes screwing him he feels so much hate and resentment. He just doesnt know how to deal with his feelings (hes been an alcoholic all his life). Its so sad, but I have to move out of the way of this tornado. Not my monkey, not my circus. Thanks for listening. Also..I know everyones first response is head to an Al-Anon meeting. Ive tried them. I am going to try to find one tomorrow night, but I am seeing a therapist. This has taken a toll on me..more than I realized.
-- Edited by starcatcher2 on Thursday 23rd of March 2017 11:48:23 AM
A double winner said to me you are never going to be skinny enough, sexy enough, good enough housekeeper, mother, wife, blah blah blah to find a way to beat addiction and if you were there would be a line around your house for the miracle answer. It sounds like you have reached that awareness and are taking a step back .. very difficult .. however good for you.
He is showing you who he is .. in the disease of the moment .. believe him and more of a better way to go .. believe in yourself. Put the same effort into you that you have wasted and I do mean wasted putting into the empty vat .. it's like a trick vase .. it never fills up.
I truly am sorry for your pain and what you are going through .. now is the time to heal .. now is the time to take care of you and let his HP take care of him. You are right .. there are 4 ways out for an A, .. they will choose to find another enabler, they will go out in a body bag, they will be institutionalized .. the end result if they choose to continue down that path is to go out in a body bag .. that is their responsibility no one else's.
Prayers for peace for both of you and glad you are seeking a meeting. Hugs S :)
Hi Serenity RUS,
Your post was actually the first one I read when I logged back on. I was going to post my situation in your comments, but I didn't want to take away from your topic. I can completely understand what you are going through and needing a "break". I couldn't imagine being told "You are never going to be skinny enough, sexy enough, good enough housekeeper, mother, wife, blah blah blah" that takes courage to leave. I'm glad that you did! I hope your current relationship brings you happiness....after your break :).
I (on the other hand) need a permanent one. I wish I could fast forward through all this BS. I can say the best thing he IS doing for me is NOT contacting me. I received the "I'm sorry", "I'm a piece of SH!@", and "I'm sorry I failed you" texts to get a response out of me, but this time they did NOT pull at my heart strings.
You are right. He IS showing me who he is, and he has done a darn good job of it I have to say!
Now is my time to loose the 20lbs I gained since I've been with him, and get back to my pre-relationship weight.
He will implode eventually, but I hope that he sees the light before then. He doesn't realize what he has. He is just too filled with hate.
Thank you for the prayers and hugs. I'll need them.
The name of the group I attend is Happy, Joyous and Free. I've come to realize this was exactly what I set as my goal and also what I truly want for my qualifiers. I am powerless to get them there, but I can pray for that for them.....I believe today this is what God wants for all of us - to be happy, joyous and free - free of limitations, free of sadness, free of the holds of this disease.
Please be gentle with you and know that you are worth 'it'. 'It' may be program, meetings, self-care, etc. - taking care of you is so worth it...more will be revealed!
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery...
Thank you IAMHERE for your kind words. I am trying to keep positive for myself. I know I deserve better....I know this. I need to get my head out of the clouds and back to reality. He's not going to come running up to me, professing his love for me, and how much he wants me in his life. The promise to himself to want to change and get help. I know it will never happen. I don't want to say he won't ever change. He just wont change while I am in his life. That's the sad truth. Whatever that motivation is I hope that he finds it.
Well said. I couldn't have said it better myself. And my exab has said that he uses it to mask hurt, emotions, problems and stress. He just can't deal....or doesn't want to.