Asking for a break however not a break up .. this is the first time I have put the brakes on a relationship in this way. It's weird it has nothing to do with how I feel about him .. there is way to much drama going on and he needs to get his stuff straight. I'm coming to a point of I have had enough based upon the fact we are having the same conversation over and over again. No thank you. I think my tolerance has been strained .. lol .. conversation 3x about the same subject we have a different issue happening .. it's not going away.
I do need a few days to get myself refocused and recharged without the continual drama of phone calls and texts. I'm also dealing with some stuff with my X's wife .. LOL .. it's been amusing .. it shouldn't be so funny .. however it really is .. she pulled a very passive aggressive move and got slammed verbally by me. Meaning she was told what was and was not her business .. what was being discussed was medical reimbursement .. she's going on about me not cashing a check and honestly .. the courts only care that the payment is made .. they do not care when I cash the check if she wants to avoid outstanding checks my suggestion would be pay the full amount and there is no issue. I make the full payment and my X pays 100$ a month until it's paid off .. pay the amount or shut up .. I was good and didn't say that however oh the thoughts on my mind at that point .. I was good .. LOL .. I was very good. I did make the comment about paying the full amount which she did not like .. lol .. I know they have the money that's not how they choose to spend it. I don't care .. LOL .. that's not my business.
So I don't want his divorce drama too when we are together that is our time. I have expressed that over and over .. unfortunately .. he's listening .. he's honestly not hearing me. If he was hearing me while we were together his phone would have her number blocked so he could address it at a different time. As in .. not on date night.
This is scary for me to exert this request .. after all he absolutely has a right to respond however he sees fit and I'm not talking about a 6 month break or even 2 weeks .. I would like a WHOLE weekend of no phone calls from him so I can have peace of my own home. She reminds me a LOT of an alcoholic/addict in behavior and doesn't respect others then is confused when they don't respect her. So he needs to figure a few things out and I feel ok with where I am at. I just really wonder if I am truly suppose to be IN a relationship .. sometimes I wonder if I'm really that complicated as I have been told over and over by others .. or if I am just so strong minded that I really don't have a match in this life.
To be clear I enjoy the benefits of a relationship .. I like having someone to share my day with or struggles .. I like having the other opinion .. I like having someone to share intimate moments with .. in learning to meet my own needs I have wonderful girlfriends who granted the intimate moments with them wouldn't work for me .. LOL. I can get those needs met outside of a romantic relationship which probably makes it harder for me to find my equal in emotional strength and mind.
I can totally see my growth though in terms of where I was 5 years ago (forget about where I was while I was with my X .. that was looneyville no need to go there again!!) and where I am now. That has been a whole lot of healing .. I just question what's a season and what is lifetime. What is really stumping me is he's a good guy .. he's not a jerk, abusive and he loves my kids (and me .. LOL). He does nice considerate things out of the blue for no reason. This is such a deal breaker for me .. it may be that he's not healed from a whole lot of baggage and he needs time. I need someone who is in the same place as me today or moving there and he's stagnated at the moment.
Thanks for letting me share .. S :)
shrnp said
Mar 22, 2017
When I was married my ex-husband had an ex-wife, there was a lot of drama that I could have done without. I have not been with anyone like that again. If I am going to meet some one, I would want them to be over their ex. Unless they have kids. I not ready for a relationship, being alone is pretty nice right now.
el-cee said
Mar 22, 2017
Thanks serenity for your post. You have expressed a lot of what I feel too. I think I also want a break or need it. I'm not sure what it means. I've considered my motives for being in this relationship. For some reason I can't see clearly yet. I'm learning a lot about me. The people pleaser is within me still triggered, I'm also compulsive obsessive I've also got to see how healthy I am in lots of ways. We think very differently and it's frustrating to listen to his fixit controller solutions for everything. I'm like let it go inaction type of women and he looks at me like I'm from another planet. I've been sucked into his world of codependancy it often looks so cozy and attractive then I remember how fear filled it truly is. I don't know if I want or need long term and now I'm in it. How do I get out without causing pain?
milkwood said
Mar 23, 2017
Hi Serenity,
Your post reminds me that I am, at heart, an introvert and I really do need my own space from time to time. Also after a while with someone who is going through some problems I feel the pull of codependency, oh how easy it is for me to drop back into that mode! And much as I want to be a supportive friend, there is only so much listening I can do before I want to start making suggestions.
So regular breaks are an important tool for me as far as maintaining a healthy two-way relationship is concerned.
There was a time when my 'life partner' could have all of me, pretty much all of the time.
Now I welcome it when someone pulls alongside, shares the journey but doesn't ask me to live their life for them. Wow, I wish I'd known that twenty five years ago but perhaps it is just one of the changes that comes with my passing years!!
SerenityRUS said
Mar 23, 2017
EC .. I think my concern is am I wanting to jump because he's a nice guy and treats me well or am I wanting to jump because it's the healthy thing to do. So yes .. Motives .. Ugh. It doesn't have to be ugly like the break up from the ex was however it's still going to hurt. Shrmp.. I am a pretty simple ex .. Just do what you are suppose to do and leave me the F alone .. He has zero relationship with the kids .. His choice. He owes me 20k ( that number It's increasing because of His lying or her controlling) in back support.. Yup I'll be collecting that eventually .. He's not happy about that not my problem. Now if I have to get involved and start pointing out pay your medical bills .. No .. I'm probably not nice. First words are pay your bill or see you in court .. Seems to be the only thing that works to get my money. Outside of that I don't do phone calls crying and so on .. I didn't do that during the divorce .. So .. His issue not mine. If the wife puts her nose into things that are none of her business she's going to walk away rubbing her nose because the door got slammed in her face. Bottom line .. Like it or not he's got kids he's financially responsible for.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 23, 2017
I hit send before I meant to .. Lol .. His ex is an everyday sometimes hourly .. I don't understand because no minor children are involved. Milkwood ... YES!!!! I'm am only child with 2 kids .. I have moments of a 2 person trail while I'm sitting in the bathroom lol .. Almost 13/18 asking what am I doing .. My response is planning world domination which is going to stink when I open the door. Lol!!! So I would like to just breathe where no demands no one else's crap to deal with .. He's a great guy .. That's the hard part. I have had the conversation that his ex is not going to allow him to have a relationship with anyone because she's not ok o.k. any level. He's going to have to decide if that's what he ultimately wants .. His ex to dictate his life .. I'm not playing by her rules and do not intend to!!!
hotrod said
Mar 23, 2017
Good Morning Serenity I can certainly identify with needing a break and taking it. When I was dealing with the height of my son's alcoholism, that lead eventually to his passing, I stopped seeing my partner ( a great guy) of over 15 because of his continued"helpful ideas and insistence that I act in a certain manner".
This "break" included telephone calls and visits and lasted for 2 years. He would send a card from time to time and i did not respond. When my son passed he attended the funeral and we tentatively re connected( not without my hesitation ). It took a few years to regain the closeness of the relationship but we did and I do not regret taking that break at all. . In retrospect I see that the break not only helped me to not explode on him and say things I did not mean, it also gave us both room to deal with a painful situation .I am all for taking a break
Iamhere said
Mar 23, 2017
(((Serenity))) - sending you positive thoughts and prayers. I too am all for taking a break and embrace the philosophy of if it's meant to be, it will be. I never know and will never know what God's plan is for me, but I do know today that when my peace and center are disrupted, I really need to go to any lengths for me, my peace, my spiritual place or I am of no value to anyone/anything. It is my disease that has me pausing to consider other's feelings in front of my own and it's still so hard to put me first at times like this - but necessary...
Know that any break you feel and take is not ever a bad thing. The more we know/love ourselves, the more we can know/love others. You got this sweetie!!!
tiredtonite said
Mar 23, 2017
Good move concerning self care. You're recognizing what you're feeling and honoring that. You want some space and are taking it without fear. I think we can really a lot about the substance of relationships when we make a boundary that honors ourselves. I know this isn't a slogan but I've heard it through the years and and have really liked it. Never make someone else your priority and allow yourself to be their option. It would be a red flag for me too if I felt like I was part of triangular relationship. I agree with you... you time on a date with him is your time. Your Alanon recovery is showing - you want a relationship of mutual respect. Don't we say in the program, we teach people how to treat us? I understand what you're saying about the niceties of having a partner in your life and the difference between that and friendships with your girlfriends. It is nice to have both.
"...sometimes I wonder if I'm really that complicated as I have been told over and over by others .. or if I am just so strong minded that I really don't have a match in this life." Oh girl, don't even go there! LOL You have many "matches" in this life. We all do. This whole notion of "the one" falls under our topic fantasy, illusion in my humble opinion. You're getting healthy. Being healthy means you're more selective about who you spend your time with. Sounds like maybe your higher power's been fixing your picker and you're now becoming aware of it. As you say, maybe he does have a lot of baggage and needs time. Being a good guy, not abusive and loving your kids is great but not out of the ordinary. There's an endless stream of men who have that to offer. Good for you for looking honestly at where you feel you are and what you feel you deserve. Maybe you can enjoy his company but leave your options open concerning meeting others?
Just my experience but I dated a man a few years back who was divorced for many year with grown kids. He'd had a long marriage and continuied to have a lot of contact with his ex wife. It was almost as if they were still married but living in different houses and both getting mileage out of connecting to one despite being divorced. The kids were were already adults and living on their own. He took calls from her when we were out with one another. I enjoyed being with him but I ended it.
It great that you're trusting your feelings and honoring them. Sometimes we need to step away from a situation to get a clearer picture of it. Wishing you the best. You're worth it! TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 23rd of March 2017 10:00:52 AM
SerenityRUS said
Mar 23, 2017
LOL TT I can relate so much to your share and THANK YOU!!!!
I think after all of the years with my X and then being single as long as I was it has been difficult for me to figure out what is extraordinary behavior and what is a given .. mutual respect is a given in a healthy boundary maintained relationship .. I'm not feeling respected .. I feel loved .. not respected and I need both in friendships as well as romantic relationships.
It was funny when I would go on about my X to my BFF and say .. Oh he's so good with the kids or he did XYZ and she would be like umm .. he is suppose to do those things .. that's what a dad does .. I was like oh .. then that was when I started realizing hmm .. something isn't right.
Honoring my feelings is a great place to be and so much more than I would have done just a few short years ago .. yes .. we are constantly teaching others how to treat us and I have actually used that statement when dealing with the X.
The one thing I am very proud of is I have stayed out of his "stuff" meaning .. his X calls he deals with it .. he's also transitioning work at the moment .. he deals with it .. so I am letting him deal with his stuff and staying on my side of the street. I am grateful that with that awareness I am giving him a place of power to come from. I'm all about being "friends" with the X of many years .. specially when children are involved however .. these are not productive conversations to me it's wasted time and I feel slimed when he gets off the phone. I'm not even talking to her .. I can usually hear what is being said and it's just not nice.
Thanks for the feedback it really helps!
bud said
Mar 24, 2017
I can relate and am grateful for your post to know I'm not alone. This past week I took a step back from my relationship and am considering asking for a break. He's a great guy but in his trying to handle some recent life challenges...the he things he's been saying and doing is insenstive and triggering me left and right. His "stuff" spilleth over! And, silly me jumped in it like it were a huge pile of colorful fall leaves.
I already spoke to him about my sensitivity and rechecked my clarity after his actions coming out in other ways. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me and isn't aware of how painful this is for me. It's not healthy for me to need to keep repeating myself and it's not healthy if he doesn't recognize how his behavior affects me.
After much thought, debate, (and unfortunately agony), I've realized what it is that would help me feel better... I have to ask for what I want. I have a short statement and an even shorter question to ask him tonight. I realize that even if I get a positive answer, he may not be able to follow through with his actions.
I will be so sad if I elect it best to take a break. Letting go of outcomes is still hard for me... but I know I can't cling and pretend that the situation isn't different.
Sending positive thoughts, peace, and serenity your way!
SerenityRUS said
Mar 24, 2017
Bud .. big hugs and so glad to see you around :)
The stuff spilth over .. LOL .. true story.
The rejection is so hard to deal with .. or even the idea of rejection .. UGH .. that's the scary part for me. I agree also about the triggers and the insensitivity. AND .. he's got his own stuff to deal with I'm not expecting him to deal with mine .. it's like keep crazy in your own lane .. LOL! I got my crazy over here and I am doing what I need to do.
The same conversations .. UGH .. I feel like I'm dealing with the kids .. state it once .. ok .. state it twice .. helloooo .. state it 3x? No. Then that's where I take a harder stance. My original conclusion hasn't changed and all I'm doing is restating it which does nothing except tell me someone is not hearing me.
We have come to some resolve .. there is a funny thing about the break for the weekend is he's kind of thinking because I'm not angry that we don't need a break .. I am kind of like .. love you .. good bye I will see you Tuesday. He's kind of getting it however I can understand his confusion .. we are getting along great .. he's setting appropriate boundaries .. why do I need a break? Well .. because .. I need to know for me that I have regrouped and am ready to face the day. I also know since him and his STBX have come to an agreement as of yesterday verbally the attorney is drawing it up .. she's in rant mode .. he's called me a couple of times and I know she's on a roll at the moment .. LOL. I also know that means this weekend is not going to be quiet .. if that's the case I already know what Sunday will be like and no .. I don't want to participate because it won't be any different than the last few Sunday's and I'm not interested. I don't participate .. having to witness it is to much again .. if we are together why are you not paying attention to me. Honestly .. I'm not needy .. it's just not like our timetables are similar .. he's working on the weekends and I work during the week .. so the time we have together .. I want someone to have their focus on the present not one foot in the past and the other in the future.
Anyway big hugs and glad to know we travel in packs :)
bud said
Mar 24, 2017
((Serenity)) Many thanks, great to be here, and I love that we travel in packs!!! Annnd, also for my situation, it has to do with his exW and he needs to contain it if he'll still be relationship material.
Iamhere said
Mar 25, 2017
(((Hugs))) to all - I have read this and thought - I've got no ESH - still married to mine. And - for some reason, the thought came to me that 'taking breaks' is a good, healthy, self-care action....so - why does it feel so 'hard' to do?
Long story short, my oldest son begged me to let him move back home to finish school. He's working on his under-grad and got 2 kids, job, full-time class schedule, and is breaking from his baby momma. So - I said No a couple of times and then had a change of heart when we agreed to boundaries, rent, etc.
That was first of the year. Yesterday, he went out and put a deposit down on an apartment and is moving out 'soon'. The apartment is in the cool part of town - by the party area, not remotely close to our home, his babies' home, his daycare, and even further from his college he commutes to 5 days a week....there is a part of me that is screaming - WTH? And another part of me that is sad BUT truly grateful that he feels the need to move out and move on. I had mentally prepared for the differences in 'us' - but I was again conned by a pretension of more maturity that is not there (yet).
So - I am sad as one of the discussions we had was an ability/willingness to work on our fractured relationship. Needless to say, I knew he'd be short on time with his schedule to do this quickly - now I see that going away again. His birthday is tomorrow and I have tried for 3 days to set up breakfast, lunch, dinner, something and he's made other plans. This is expected as he's done this since 18. My 25 year old son still is looking for love in all the wrong places and is willing to put his family behind new 'friends' and everything else in his life...
So - I am looking forward to the break that happens when he departs. I had hoped for a different outcome but have clearly stated my boundaries. This was the last time he could come home - he was told he could stay as long as he followed the rules and needed to...he chose to make it short-term and that's OK with me! I will miss the baby boys that I've gotten to see twice weekly since the first of the year and have thoughts on the change and how it will affect them, but that's none of my business.
I hope to keep learning in recovery what it is about me that still aligns my heart/joy with the behaviors of others. I've done much better this time around but goodness gracious! I am trying to find my balance between helping/enabling and self-care/selfish/self-less.
Just wanted you all to know the thought that 'breaks' are a god-send came to me when I was reading this and felt compelled to share.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 25, 2017
Iam.. Big hugs I know you are coming off the disappointment with your other sons birthday. I really hope regardless of what happens you take care of you. Breaks are hard .. I'm understanding they really are necessary when the situation becomes emotionally intense. In having the conversation of kind of needing a weekend of just the kids and i .. It absolutely triggered my fear of what ifs.. What if he decides he's better off without me because I'm such a trainwreck lol .. That's my itty bitty Sh*tty committee doing their dance .. I had to remind myself it's 2 days .. If someone can't respect my wishes for two days and runs off with someone else it will hurt .. Then that was God's protection for me. I have been through much worse and this time I'm paying attention to me verses just the relationship. I am truly more than a relationship. I feel at peace .. I have gotten some funny texts and the time we have spent has been extremely pleasant. I do think he had a moment off everything is fine no break necessary and realized I really meant what I said. He's honestly been respecting my feelings. I am respecting his. I hope he does something constructive with his time .. That's up to him. I'm going to enjoy some quite .. The kids and let the God of my understanding do His thing. I feel very peaceful with my choice regardless of the outcome. I honoured my feelings and was not angry .. That's a huge step for me in the right direction. I have plans with a girlfriend and I just want to breathe. ;)
Iamhere said
Mar 27, 2017
I hope your break was awesome!!! I hear you on the itty bitty **itty committee - it can raise up in my mind and debate some incredibly crazy, crazy things!! (((Hugs))) - happy Monday!
SerenityRUS said
Mar 27, 2017
It was amazing!! Saturday I tried and failed to meet up with a bff .. LOL .. that was entertaining. Then the evening I spent with my BF .. it was nice and exactly what I needed that night.
I had a very, very lazy Sunday that I will pay for today with LOTS of laundry .. LOL. I'm ok with that. My daughter had a friend over and they took her brother out and treated him to lunch and a Starbucks drink. I wound up staying home and just binge watching Netflix, two of my very favorite shows and just relaxing. I even picked dinner up instead of cooking.
So looking forward to catching up with him and hearing about his weekend we did talk a bit and that was a good thing. Getting away from his phone constantly going off .. priceless especially since that's exactly what happened and we weren't together. I kind of knew what would play out because Sunday's are like that. Even he admitted it was over the top and without me there doing my eyeball rolling physically or silently he noticed it far more because there was nothing else to focus on. Again .. it was a good thing. He's aware of why it's irritating to me when we are together and it's a simple fix if he chooses to do so.
I feel very relaxed today and that's a good thing. :)
Iamhere said
Mar 27, 2017
I just started my 7th load of laundry - I can relate and 'feel your laundry pain'....I am grateful it's almost done - I am doing some spring cleaning so did all my bedding - bedspread, mattress cover, etc. AND flipped my queen size over alone - feeling successful!
Since I decided to break from my son, I had a decent day - went to a meeting and then 7 of us went golfing. We had a good time, and I was surprised that my son and the babies were here when I got home. They'd been here for a few hours and nobody called me wondering where I was, asking stupid questions, etc. My oldest grandson (3) and I made a cake for my son and we ordered pizza. I went and played softball after pizza (would not recommend) and they were all in bed when I got home (rather late).
So - changing things up put me a bit behind, but worth it. So glad that you and I learned enough in recovery to put ourselves first - amazing how it works out when we practice what we've been taught! (((Hugs)))
Junenine said
Mar 27, 2017
Hi, Serenity - i can definitely relate and especially at the moment... i'm in a committed relationship of 6 years - we're engaged but all plans were indefinitely postponed due to his relapse. now he's sober and trying to get his life together. we're under some real financial stress. so... in response to my own depression and exhaustion, i've decided to go away for a weekend. ALONE. just two nights, but i've only done this once before in this relationship (apart from a few visits to friends)... and all i know is i need some space and peace and a change of scene. i'm an introvert and lived alone most of my adult life and liked it. so i was nervous to have him move in with me and while there are many good things about it it's also been a challenge for me. i need a break from everything and everyone, and i need to look at some different scene for a while.
sounds to me like you're doing good self care!
SerenityRUS said
Mar 28, 2017
I'm actually planning a trip this fall to drive with a girlfriend of mine to Kentucky for a visit with her family she hasn't seen. We will have a blast although I have told her we can be Thelma and Louise without the fiery death off the cliff .. LOL!! No Brad Pitt either .. we will have to come up with someone else .. LOL!!! I think those trips are sooo important for the sake of sanity. Now my BF and I are talking about Vegas for a weekend trip during my daughter's college break so she can stay home with the boy.
All of which I couldn't have done with my XAH in my life because I wasn't where I needed to be mentally or emotionally. I am so grateful to have the support I do now.
Enjoy your quiet .. as an only child I cherish that time alone. :)
Oh BF and I are planning a trip with the kids to his parents to make sugar eggs the kind with scenes inside them so I suggested why don't we just go ahead and color eggs as well make cookies and I would love to make other candy as well. His s/mom is the bomb with stuff like that!! So I can't wait as that will be in a couple of weeks.
Iamhere said
Mar 28, 2017
Love making plans with 'adults'.....I and my qualifiers - not so much fun in the past as I took control and tried to manage (herd) everything and everyone. I'm planning to drive out to my parents again mid-May and depending upon where my oldest is living by then my AH may/may not go. I give him the choice. I've invited a variety of pals too - so we'll see how it shakes out.
Sure is a ton easier when I only have to worry about me, my stuff, my clothes, etc. Ha.ha.ha....
andromeda said
Mar 28, 2017
Ok, so at first I thought you were breaking up with the man and I wasn't quite following. Glad you guys are planning a trip in a few weeks, too. I find that my need for space and quietness has increased as I've gotten older. I have less tolerance for people. I often wonder if being with my bf was a good idea for me and I sometimes fantasize about living alone again. I admit, though, that most of my issue is with his children since they are so young and their constant energy and pre teen girl stuff drains the crud out of me. If it were just my bf and I, I know we'd get along swimmingly. But, there are days when I want to run screaming for the hills......which usually happens when we've had his kids for more than 6 or 7 days or so.
Anyway, I also get the whole laundry problem as well. I just washed the bed linens after having needed to do that for like over a week! UGH!
Asking for a break however not a break up .. this is the first time I have put the brakes on a relationship in this way. It's weird it has nothing to do with how I feel about him .. there is way to much drama going on and he needs to get his stuff straight. I'm coming to a point of I have had enough based upon the fact we are having the same conversation over and over again. No thank you. I think my tolerance has been strained .. lol .. conversation 3x about the same subject we have a different issue happening .. it's not going away.
I do need a few days to get myself refocused and recharged without the continual drama of phone calls and texts. I'm also dealing with some stuff with my X's wife .. LOL .. it's been amusing .. it shouldn't be so funny .. however it really is .. she pulled a very passive aggressive move and got slammed verbally by me. Meaning she was told what was and was not her business .. what was being discussed was medical reimbursement .. she's going on about me not cashing a check and honestly .. the courts only care that the payment is made .. they do not care when I cash the check if she wants to avoid outstanding checks my suggestion would be pay the full amount and there is no issue. I make the full payment and my X pays 100$ a month until it's paid off .. pay the amount or shut up .. I was good and didn't say that however oh the thoughts on my mind at that point .. I was good .. LOL .. I was very good. I did make the comment about paying the full amount which she did not like .. lol .. I know they have the money that's not how they choose to spend it. I don't care .. LOL .. that's not my business.
So I don't want his divorce drama too when we are together that is our time. I have expressed that over and over .. unfortunately .. he's listening .. he's honestly not hearing me. If he was hearing me while we were together his phone would have her number blocked so he could address it at a different time. As in .. not on date night.
This is scary for me to exert this request .. after all he absolutely has a right to respond however he sees fit and I'm not talking about a 6 month break or even 2 weeks .. I would like a WHOLE weekend of no phone calls from him so I can have peace of my own home. She reminds me a LOT of an alcoholic/addict in behavior and doesn't respect others then is confused when they don't respect her. So he needs to figure a few things out and I feel ok with where I am at. I just really wonder if I am truly suppose to be IN a relationship .. sometimes I wonder if I'm really that complicated as I have been told over and over by others .. or if I am just so strong minded that I really don't have a match in this life.
To be clear I enjoy the benefits of a relationship .. I like having someone to share my day with or struggles .. I like having the other opinion .. I like having someone to share intimate moments with .. in learning to meet my own needs I have wonderful girlfriends who granted the intimate moments with them wouldn't work for me .. LOL. I can get those needs met outside of a romantic relationship which probably makes it harder for me to find my equal in emotional strength and mind.
I can totally see my growth though in terms of where I was 5 years ago (forget about where I was while I was with my X .. that was looneyville no need to go there again!!) and where I am now. That has been a whole lot of healing .. I just question what's a season and what is lifetime. What is really stumping me is he's a good guy .. he's not a jerk, abusive and he loves my kids (and me .. LOL). He does nice considerate things out of the blue for no reason. This is such a deal breaker for me .. it may be that he's not healed from a whole lot of baggage and he needs time. I need someone who is in the same place as me today or moving there and he's stagnated at the moment.
Thanks for letting me share .. S :)
Your post reminds me that I am, at heart, an introvert and I really do need my own space from time to time. Also after a while with someone who is going through some problems I feel the pull of codependency, oh how easy it is for me to drop back into that mode! And much as I want to be a supportive friend, there is only so much listening I can do before I want to start making suggestions.
So regular breaks are an important tool for me as far as maintaining a healthy two-way relationship is concerned.
There was a time when my 'life partner' could have all of me, pretty much all of the time.
Now I welcome it when someone pulls alongside, shares the journey but doesn't ask me to live their life for them. Wow, I wish I'd known that twenty five years ago but perhaps it is just one of the changes that comes with my passing years!!
Good Morning Serenity I can certainly identify with needing a break and taking it. When I was dealing with the height of my son's alcoholism, that lead eventually to his passing, I stopped seeing my partner ( a great guy) of over 15 because of his continued"helpful ideas and insistence that I act in a certain manner".
This "break" included telephone calls and visits and lasted for 2 years. He would send a card from time to time and i did not respond. When my son passed he attended the funeral and we tentatively re connected( not without my hesitation ). It took a few years to regain the closeness of the relationship but we did and I do not regret taking that break at all.
.
In retrospect I see that the break not only helped me to not explode on him and say things I did not mean, it also gave us both room to deal with a painful situation .I am all for taking a break
Know that any break you feel and take is not ever a bad thing. The more we know/love ourselves, the more we can know/love others. You got this sweetie!!!
Good move concerning self care. You're recognizing what you're feeling and honoring that. You want some space and are taking it without fear. I think we can really a lot about the substance of relationships when we make a boundary that honors ourselves. I know this isn't a slogan but I've heard it through the years and and have really liked it. Never make someone else your priority and allow yourself to be their option. It would be a red flag for me too if I felt like I was part of triangular relationship. I agree with you... you time on a date with him is your time. Your Alanon recovery is showing - you want a relationship of mutual respect. Don't we say in the program, we teach people how to treat us? I understand what you're saying about the niceties of having a partner in your life and the difference between that and friendships with your girlfriends. It is nice to have both.
"...sometimes I wonder if I'm really that complicated as I have been told over and over by others .. or if I am just so strong minded that I really don't have a match in this life." Oh girl, don't even go there! LOL You have many "matches" in this life. We all do. This whole notion of "the one" falls under our topic fantasy, illusion in my humble opinion. You're getting healthy. Being healthy means you're more selective about who you spend your time with. Sounds like maybe your higher power's been fixing your picker and you're now becoming aware of it. As you say, maybe he does have a lot of baggage and needs time. Being a good guy, not abusive and loving your kids is great but not out of the ordinary. There's an endless stream of men who have that to offer. Good for you for looking honestly at where you feel you are and what you feel you deserve. Maybe you can enjoy his company but leave your options open concerning meeting others?
Just my experience but I dated a man a few years back who was divorced for many year with grown kids. He'd had a long marriage and continuied to have a lot of contact with his ex wife. It was almost as if they were still married but living in different houses and both getting mileage out of connecting to one despite being divorced. The kids were were already adults and living on their own. He took calls from her when we were out with one another. I enjoyed being with him but I ended it.
It great that you're trusting your feelings and honoring them. Sometimes we need to step away from a situation to get a clearer picture of it. Wishing you the best. You're worth it! TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 23rd of March 2017 10:00:52 AM
I think after all of the years with my X and then being single as long as I was it has been difficult for me to figure out what is extraordinary behavior and what is a given .. mutual respect is a given in a healthy boundary maintained relationship .. I'm not feeling respected .. I feel loved .. not respected and I need both in friendships as well as romantic relationships.
It was funny when I would go on about my X to my BFF and say .. Oh he's so good with the kids or he did XYZ and she would be like umm .. he is suppose to do those things .. that's what a dad does .. I was like oh .. then that was when I started realizing hmm .. something isn't right.
Honoring my feelings is a great place to be and so much more than I would have done just a few short years ago .. yes .. we are constantly teaching others how to treat us and I have actually used that statement when dealing with the X.
The one thing I am very proud of is I have stayed out of his "stuff" meaning .. his X calls he deals with it .. he's also transitioning work at the moment .. he deals with it .. so I am letting him deal with his stuff and staying on my side of the street. I am grateful that with that awareness I am giving him a place of power to come from. I'm all about being "friends" with the X of many years .. specially when children are involved however .. these are not productive conversations to me it's wasted time and I feel slimed when he gets off the phone. I'm not even talking to her .. I can usually hear what is being said and it's just not nice.
Thanks for the feedback it really helps!
I already spoke to him about my sensitivity and rechecked my clarity after his actions coming out in other ways. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me and isn't aware of how painful this is for me. It's not healthy for me to need to keep repeating myself and it's not healthy if he doesn't recognize how his behavior affects me.
After much thought, debate, (and unfortunately agony), I've realized what it is that would help me feel better... I have to ask for what I want. I have a short statement and an even shorter question to ask him tonight. I realize that even if I get a positive answer, he may not be able to follow through with his actions.
I will be so sad if I elect it best to take a break. Letting go of outcomes is still hard for me... but I know I can't cling and pretend that the situation isn't different.
Sending positive thoughts, peace, and serenity your way!
The stuff spilth over .. LOL .. true story.
The rejection is so hard to deal with .. or even the idea of rejection .. UGH .. that's the scary part for me. I agree also about the triggers and the insensitivity. AND .. he's got his own stuff to deal with I'm not expecting him to deal with mine .. it's like keep crazy in your own lane .. LOL! I got my crazy over here and I am doing what I need to do.
The same conversations .. UGH .. I feel like I'm dealing with the kids .. state it once .. ok .. state it twice .. helloooo .. state it 3x? No. Then that's where I take a harder stance. My original conclusion hasn't changed and all I'm doing is restating it which does nothing except tell me someone is not hearing me.
We have come to some resolve .. there is a funny thing about the break for the weekend is he's kind of thinking because I'm not angry that we don't need a break .. I am kind of like .. love you .. good bye I will see you Tuesday. He's kind of getting it however I can understand his confusion .. we are getting along great .. he's setting appropriate boundaries .. why do I need a break? Well .. because .. I need to know for me that I have regrouped and am ready to face the day. I also know since him and his STBX have come to an agreement as of yesterday verbally the attorney is drawing it up .. she's in rant mode .. he's called me a couple of times and I know she's on a roll at the moment .. LOL. I also know that means this weekend is not going to be quiet .. if that's the case I already know what Sunday will be like and no .. I don't want to participate because it won't be any different than the last few Sunday's and I'm not interested. I don't participate .. having to witness it is to much again .. if we are together why are you not paying attention to me. Honestly .. I'm not needy .. it's just not like our timetables are similar .. he's working on the weekends and I work during the week .. so the time we have together .. I want someone to have their focus on the present not one foot in the past and the other in the future.
Anyway big hugs and glad to know we travel in packs :)
Long story short, my oldest son begged me to let him move back home to finish school. He's working on his under-grad and got 2 kids, job, full-time class schedule, and is breaking from his baby momma. So - I said No a couple of times and then had a change of heart when we agreed to boundaries, rent, etc.
That was first of the year. Yesterday, he went out and put a deposit down on an apartment and is moving out 'soon'. The apartment is in the cool part of town - by the party area, not remotely close to our home, his babies' home, his daycare, and even further from his college he commutes to 5 days a week....there is a part of me that is screaming - WTH? And another part of me that is sad BUT truly grateful that he feels the need to move out and move on. I had mentally prepared for the differences in 'us' - but I was again conned by a pretension of more maturity that is not there (yet).
So - I am sad as one of the discussions we had was an ability/willingness to work on our fractured relationship. Needless to say, I knew he'd be short on time with his schedule to do this quickly - now I see that going away again. His birthday is tomorrow and I have tried for 3 days to set up breakfast, lunch, dinner, something and he's made other plans. This is expected as he's done this since 18. My 25 year old son still is looking for love in all the wrong places and is willing to put his family behind new 'friends' and everything else in his life...
So - I am looking forward to the break that happens when he departs. I had hoped for a different outcome but have clearly stated my boundaries. This was the last time he could come home - he was told he could stay as long as he followed the rules and needed to...he chose to make it short-term and that's OK with me! I will miss the baby boys that I've gotten to see twice weekly since the first of the year and have thoughts on the change and how it will affect them, but that's none of my business.
I hope to keep learning in recovery what it is about me that still aligns my heart/joy with the behaviors of others. I've done much better this time around but goodness gracious! I am trying to find my balance between helping/enabling and self-care/selfish/self-less.
Just wanted you all to know the thought that 'breaks' are a god-send came to me when I was reading this and felt compelled to share.
I had a very, very lazy Sunday that I will pay for today with LOTS of laundry .. LOL. I'm ok with that. My daughter had a friend over and they took her brother out and treated him to lunch and a Starbucks drink. I wound up staying home and just binge watching Netflix, two of my very favorite shows and just relaxing. I even picked dinner up instead of cooking.
So looking forward to catching up with him and hearing about his weekend we did talk a bit and that was a good thing. Getting away from his phone constantly going off .. priceless especially since that's exactly what happened and we weren't together. I kind of knew what would play out because Sunday's are like that. Even he admitted it was over the top and without me there doing my eyeball rolling physically or silently he noticed it far more because there was nothing else to focus on. Again .. it was a good thing. He's aware of why it's irritating to me when we are together and it's a simple fix if he chooses to do so.
I feel very relaxed today and that's a good thing. :)
Since I decided to break from my son, I had a decent day - went to a meeting and then 7 of us went golfing. We had a good time, and I was surprised that my son and the babies were here when I got home. They'd been here for a few hours and nobody called me wondering where I was, asking stupid questions, etc. My oldest grandson (3) and I made a cake for my son and we ordered pizza. I went and played softball after pizza (would not recommend) and they were all in bed when I got home (rather late).
So - changing things up put me a bit behind, but worth it. So glad that you and I learned enough in recovery to put ourselves first - amazing how it works out when we practice what we've been taught! (((Hugs)))
Hi, Serenity - i can definitely relate and especially at the moment... i'm in a committed relationship of 6 years - we're engaged but all plans were indefinitely postponed due to his relapse. now he's sober and trying to get his life together. we're under some real financial stress. so... in response to my own depression and exhaustion, i've decided to go away for a weekend. ALONE. just two nights, but i've only done this once before in this relationship (apart from a few visits to friends)... and all i know is i need some space and peace and a change of scene. i'm an introvert and lived alone most of my adult life and liked it. so i was nervous to have him move in with me and while there are many good things about it it's also been a challenge for me. i need a break from everything and everyone, and i need to look at some different scene for a while.
sounds to me like you're doing good self care!
All of which I couldn't have done with my XAH in my life because I wasn't where I needed to be mentally or emotionally. I am so grateful to have the support I do now.
Enjoy your quiet .. as an only child I cherish that time alone. :)
Oh BF and I are planning a trip with the kids to his parents to make sugar eggs the kind with scenes inside them so I suggested why don't we just go ahead and color eggs as well make cookies and I would love to make other candy as well. His s/mom is the bomb with stuff like that!! So I can't wait as that will be in a couple of weeks.
Sure is a ton easier when I only have to worry about me, my stuff, my clothes, etc. Ha.ha.ha....
Anyway, I also get the whole laundry problem as well. I just washed the bed linens after having needed to do that for like over a week! UGH!