It hit me this morning that I have setting myself up, comtaminating my thoughts just by not saying what I mean, mean what I say. I thought I understood what that ment. Of course I was looking at strickly with how I deal with my A when he is active.
It is so much bigger than that. It involes me. Me being honest with myself and giving the most honest answer to whoever I may be interacting with at the time.
I never thought of myself as a pleaser......I was too headstrong (okay stubborn) to please people. So I thought. I am so that person. Why? One quick answer. I don't want people to be mad at me. To not like me because I said no, so I say yes to things I don't want to do then I am grumpy. So then I b.... to myself or my BFF about the situation I got myself into just because I didn't say what I mean.
This has gone on for years. And has effected me in ways I didn't know. Okay so if start now.......what are people going to think...it doesn't matter. I tell everyone else you can't make everyone happy, but don't listen to it myself.
I didn't realize how simple everyday conversations can result in me not being honest with myself. Everytime my A and I are out in the city he will ask where I would to go eat. And everytime I say I don't care. Yes I do, why do I say I don't. Because what if he doesn't like my choice. And if I name a place he doesn't want to go, then why are you asking me. That's not the point right. That's his issue. There has been plenty of times I wanted to go somewhere different, somewhere "fancy" some place we wouldn't go if we had all the kids with us. I usually end up picking a place I know he likes to go.
When he asks me what I want for a weekend supper while I'm at work........my response is whatever you make. In my head I'm screeming you make that baked chicken one more sunday I'm going to throw up! Yes every sunday for the past two months it has been the same baked chicken......the same right down to the same veggie...every sunday. So why when i am asked I don't answer how I really feel. Because he already had that on his list of what his was going to make. No I was asked my for my thoughts but yet again I didn't give an honest answer....and who's grumpy and can't eat....me.
My responses to simple questions really only effect me. If someone is upset by my response, that is there issue.
Then there is meaning what I say and standing by it. You'd think having kids I would have mastered this........you're grounded from the computer for a week. Three days into the week my youngest is trying to sneek the computer into her room, sometimes I let it go, sometimes I stop her in her tracks. My consistency is in the toilet. She might cry the crocodile tears when she is grounded at the time......but because of my own doing she has figured it out! UGH!
Even with my A, my last morning after talk when he was on a big drunk, I had just learnt about saying what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean....I thought I understood. Clearly I didn't. I told him I did not want to attend a function with him, because I didn't not feel comfortable knowing that drinking would take place. I told him to give my spot away. That hasn't happend. I'm stuck going, because I didn't mean it. And a little bit of guilt too. The tickets had to be pre-ordered at a pricey amount as well. My decision now to back out would effect many people. This one is a difficult one for me, and really showcases my indecisiveness. I want to go, because I know I will enjoy the presentations. I don't what to go, because I know my A will try to keep up with "Jones'", and it's outside my little bubble.
This meaning what I say, effects in all areas of my life. Even in work relationships. Because I can not say how I feel I often get pull into tasks (not required, strickly volunteer) I do not want do. So do them, again grumble to myself and ask myself how did I end up doing this........because I couldn't say I how really felt about it.
Oh my I am so learning how not saying what I mean has effected my thinking....and yes has at times has brought along resentments. Simple questions...."What would you like for your birthday?" "I don't know"...........yes I do. Then when my mind isn't read........I end up annoyed.......this person has known me for how long......still doesn't know me. Why couldn't I just say what I mean.......am I setting these people up on purpose to not meet my expectation of "knowing me".
The pause plays a part in this too.....If I am asked something, I really need to pause and think before I respond. Take the sunday supper........if I am asked......I can't respond, "please don't make that bleeping chicken again.....as much as I would like to.......it would be far better for me to respond. "let me think about it a minute" The same with grounding my daughter......pause.....can I really take the computer away for a week, is that realistic for that particular week, will my work schedule interferr with me knowing for sure she has left the computer alone. Or would it have been better to have said, I work these next three days, when I am not working and home, you will not be allowed on the computer?
It's cycle I see now that I really didn't understand. Thank-you all. Everyday I'm seeing more and more how this journey is far more about me than I really understood. Having an A in my life, maybe why I found this group, but not for who needs this group. That's me.
(((everyone)))
Taraxacum said
Mar 22, 2017
This was a great share for me to read today, thank you!!!
I do these types of things as well. For me though it is as if I have lost my voice - I really don't know how to choose a restaurant or say what I want to cook for dinner. So much of my life has been lived in reaction mode, or been an act of accommodation, that I really don't know what my own preferences or decisions are without these outside influences. I'm working on it - once a week I buy myself dinner. It's just me, eating whatever I want but the act of choosing is helping me I think.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 22, 2017
If you ever want to have a breakfast that is not going to happen until after lunch ask 3 very codependent women what they want to eat and watch the shenanigans play out. As codependent as I am .. I will never be as codie as these 3 women .. this is according to a therapist I had years earlier than that event.
This is a true story because I sat and watched my great aunt, grandma as well my mother .. the story started out by my great aunt deciding that morning she wanted sourdough waffles. My mother making the worst batch of waffles ever it was sadly pathetic because for those who know about sourdough starter you have to set that out the night before. So then it turned into what do you want to eat?! My mother holding the plate of pathetic waffles the whole time. You have to have the martyr for that situation. Followed by I don't know what do you want to eat?! I sat for a good 45 min getting hungrier and hungrier saying to myself you people are nuts!! It was a circular conversation .. the same thing over and over and no one wanted to own responsibility of making a choice because .. what if it wasn't the right one??
My Great Aunt turns to me and says you think this is funny!? I said yes, I do although I am hungry and would like to eat .. LOL! She says so what do you want to eat and my response was oh no .. you crazy people are not pulling me into your abyss of indecision!!!! My Great Aunt had a very eccentric personality and started to laugh and says you are probably the smartest one in the room.
We finally did find somewhere to eat and somehow I kept my temper .. I have a very short fuse for people who can't make a decision to save their life .. i.e. my mother specifically .. LOL! We went from horrible waffles to Mexican which was very good .. it was a comedy of errors and all I could think while I watched this play out was OMGOSH .. how do I not need more therapy? I was in my 20's I could easily tell you what I was wearing that day it was such a strong memory and a good lesson in staying in my hula hoop and knowing what I want.
I do go back to that story a LOT only because it is an absurdity in how many codependents does it take to decide on where to eat! :)
Curlyblu said
Mar 22, 2017
Taraxacum wrote:
This was a great share for me to read today, thank you!!! I do these types of things as well. For me though it is as if I have lost my voice - I really don't know how to choose a restaurant or say what I want to cook for dinner. So much of my life has been lived in reaction mode, or been an act of accommodation, that I really don't know what my own preferences or decisions are without these outside influences. I'm working on it - once a week I buy myself dinner. It's just me, eating whatever I want but the act of choosing is helping me I think.
You hit the nail on the head there! That's exactly how I feel. I most definately lost my voice. I lost my own identity. I just don't know how to speak up anymore, which is my mine to own and figure out.
Serenity.....so are you saying you won't do lunch with me?? LOL!
SerenityRUS said
Mar 22, 2017
LOL .. HA HA .. only if you know where you want to go and don't fuss if you say I don't care and I make the suggestion :)
I still laugh over that whole scene because I can see it in my mind as clear as day .. three senior citizens trying to make a decision and FORGET about the check coming around .. OHHH GOOD GRIEF .. who had what, how much did it cost, how much tip should we leave .. I left the tip as a rule because I always tip 25% for good service and trust me try getting an order from these women .. good luck on that .. oh there have been some very funny moments. They did tip cards and so on .... LOL .. all before smart phones.
Anyways just very funny stuff .. LOL!
Iamhere said
Mar 22, 2017
Great post and great shares all - love this topic....I too had a light-bulb moment about people pleasing and not being true to me, myself and I....
My sponsor smartly suggested I flip things upside down. I get up in the morning, do my routine and then consider what I want for dinner. Once I figure out dinner, I work backwards from there depending upon my role, time involved, etc. Sometimes the answer is YOYO - You're On Your Own!!
Filling my day with things I want/need to have/do has really helped me love me, put me first and learn to say No. or Yes. or Let me think about that. I loved when I learned Yes and No are complete sentences....I was one who offered way more words either to justify or defend my answer - it wasn't needed ... it was my way of coping and over-explaining things.
More will be revealed has been so, so, so true for me. Each day I am open, I learn more and/or I accept more and/or I see more - what a great life!!
hotrod said
Mar 22, 2017
Great awareness and honesty. Program is a process and is a gradual coming "too" as we learn to keep th focus on ourselves and slowly step out of denial .
Good work .
Curlyblu said
Mar 23, 2017
((Hotrod)) as much as I am learning, I most defiantly struggle within. Today is totally about the pause. And not do or say anything without a little more thought. I'm thankful for days that I see clearer.
Curlyblu said
Mar 29, 2017
So, this is an odd feeling. In my orginal post here I mentoned a function and how I said I wouldn't go. Normally (because I've said stuff before) my A would ignore what I said and we would carry on with the plans....I had it in my head that this would be the case again, my work had been rearranged. Well it turns out he actually "heard" me. I won't be attending.
What a strange feeling. I ment it. I can't go back on that. This feeling I'm feeling right now is the old me trying to butt into the changes I have made. I had a brief moment of regret...why did you say that. Because I'm done going places where he will be a fool. But I'm going to be missing out.....nope I can do something for me! I can have a run-a-way day!
I'm feeling growth even if I get surprised by it sometimes.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 30, 2017
Hugs Curly,
I always felt a sense of panic insecurity wise. Good for YOU .. new choices feel weird because it's truly an unknown. Just keep doing what you are doing .. you are right where you need to be :)
It hit me this morning that I have setting myself up, comtaminating my thoughts just by not saying what I mean, mean what I say. I thought I understood what that ment. Of course I was looking at strickly with how I deal with my A when he is active.
It is so much bigger than that. It involes me. Me being honest with myself and giving the most honest answer to whoever I may be interacting with at the time.
I never thought of myself as a pleaser......I was too headstrong (okay stubborn) to please people. So I thought. I am so that person. Why? One quick answer. I don't want people to be mad at me. To not like me because I said no, so I say yes to things I don't want to do then I am grumpy. So then I b.... to myself or my BFF about the situation I got myself into just because I didn't say what I mean.
This has gone on for years. And has effected me in ways I didn't know. Okay so if start now.......what are people going to think...it doesn't matter. I tell everyone else you can't make everyone happy, but don't listen to it myself.
I didn't realize how simple everyday conversations can result in me not being honest with myself. Everytime my A and I are out in the city he will ask where I would to go eat. And everytime I say I don't care. Yes I do, why do I say I don't. Because what if he doesn't like my choice. And if I name a place he doesn't want to go, then why are you asking me. That's not the point right. That's his issue. There has been plenty of times I wanted to go somewhere different, somewhere "fancy" some place we wouldn't go if we had all the kids with us. I usually end up picking a place I know he likes to go.
When he asks me what I want for a weekend supper while I'm at work........my response is whatever you make. In my head I'm screeming you make that baked chicken one more sunday I'm going to throw up! Yes every sunday for the past two months it has been the same baked chicken......the same right down to the same veggie...every sunday. So why when i am asked I don't answer how I really feel. Because he already had that on his list of what his was going to make. No I was asked my for my thoughts but yet again I didn't give an honest answer....and who's grumpy and can't eat....me.
My responses to simple questions really only effect me. If someone is upset by my response, that is there issue.
Then there is meaning what I say and standing by it. You'd think having kids I would have mastered this........you're grounded from the computer for a week. Three days into the week my youngest is trying to sneek the computer into her room, sometimes I let it go, sometimes I stop her in her tracks. My consistency is in the toilet. She might cry the crocodile tears when she is grounded at the time......but because of my own doing she has figured it out! UGH!
Even with my A, my last morning after talk when he was on a big drunk, I had just learnt about saying what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean....I thought I understood. Clearly I didn't. I told him I did not want to attend a function with him, because I didn't not feel comfortable knowing that drinking would take place. I told him to give my spot away. That hasn't happend. I'm stuck going, because I didn't mean it. And a little bit of guilt too. The tickets had to be pre-ordered at a pricey amount as well. My decision now to back out would effect many people. This one is a difficult one for me, and really showcases my indecisiveness. I want to go, because I know I will enjoy the presentations. I don't what to go, because I know my A will try to keep up with "Jones'", and it's outside my little bubble.
This meaning what I say, effects in all areas of my life. Even in work relationships. Because I can not say how I feel I often get pull into tasks (not required, strickly volunteer) I do not want do. So do them, again grumble to myself and ask myself how did I end up doing this........because I couldn't say I how really felt about it.
Oh my I am so learning how not saying what I mean has effected my thinking....and yes has at times has brought along resentments. Simple questions...."What would you like for your birthday?" "I don't know"...........yes I do. Then when my mind isn't read........I end up annoyed.......this person has known me for how long......still doesn't know me. Why couldn't I just say what I mean.......am I setting these people up on purpose to not meet my expectation of "knowing me".
The pause plays a part in this too.....If I am asked something, I really need to pause and think before I respond. Take the sunday supper........if I am asked......I can't respond, "please don't make that bleeping chicken again.....as much as I would like to.......it would be far better for me to respond. "let me think about it a minute" The same with grounding my daughter......pause.....can I really take the computer away for a week, is that realistic for that particular week, will my work schedule interferr with me knowing for sure she has left the computer alone. Or would it have been better to have said, I work these next three days, when I am not working and home, you will not be allowed on the computer?
It's cycle I see now that I really didn't understand. Thank-you all. Everyday I'm seeing more and more how this journey is far more about me than I really understood. Having an A in my life, maybe why I found this group, but not for who needs this group. That's me.
(((everyone)))
This is a true story because I sat and watched my great aunt, grandma as well my mother .. the story started out by my great aunt deciding that morning she wanted sourdough waffles. My mother making the worst batch of waffles ever it was sadly pathetic because for those who know about sourdough starter you have to set that out the night before. So then it turned into what do you want to eat?! My mother holding the plate of pathetic waffles the whole time. You have to have the martyr for that situation. Followed by I don't know what do you want to eat?! I sat for a good 45 min getting hungrier and hungrier saying to myself you people are nuts!! It was a circular conversation .. the same thing over and over and no one wanted to own responsibility of making a choice because .. what if it wasn't the right one??
My Great Aunt turns to me and says you think this is funny!? I said yes, I do although I am hungry and would like to eat .. LOL! She says so what do you want to eat and my response was oh no .. you crazy people are not pulling me into your abyss of indecision!!!! My Great Aunt had a very eccentric personality and started to laugh and says you are probably the smartest one in the room.
We finally did find somewhere to eat and somehow I kept my temper .. I have a very short fuse for people who can't make a decision to save their life .. i.e. my mother specifically .. LOL! We went from horrible waffles to Mexican which was very good .. it was a comedy of errors and all I could think while I watched this play out was OMGOSH .. how do I not need more therapy? I was in my 20's I could easily tell you what I was wearing that day it was such a strong memory and a good lesson in staying in my hula hoop and knowing what I want.
I do go back to that story a LOT only because it is an absurdity in how many codependents does it take to decide on where to eat! :)
You hit the nail on the head there! That's exactly how I feel. I most definately lost my voice. I lost my own identity. I just don't know how to speak up anymore, which is my mine to own and figure out.
Serenity.....so are you saying you won't do lunch with me?? LOL!
I still laugh over that whole scene because I can see it in my mind as clear as day .. three senior citizens trying to make a decision and FORGET about the check coming around .. OHHH GOOD GRIEF .. who had what, how much did it cost, how much tip should we leave .. I left the tip as a rule because I always tip 25% for good service and trust me try getting an order from these women .. good luck on that .. oh there have been some very funny moments. They did tip cards and so on .... LOL .. all before smart phones.
Anyways just very funny stuff .. LOL!
My sponsor smartly suggested I flip things upside down. I get up in the morning, do my routine and then consider what I want for dinner. Once I figure out dinner, I work backwards from there depending upon my role, time involved, etc. Sometimes the answer is YOYO - You're On Your Own!!
Filling my day with things I want/need to have/do has really helped me love me, put me first and learn to say No. or Yes. or Let me think about that. I loved when I learned Yes and No are complete sentences....I was one who offered way more words either to justify or defend my answer - it wasn't needed ... it was my way of coping and over-explaining things.
More will be revealed has been so, so, so true for me. Each day I am open, I learn more and/or I accept more and/or I see more - what a great life!!
Good work .
I always felt a sense of panic insecurity wise. Good for YOU .. new choices feel weird because it's truly an unknown. Just keep doing what you are doing .. you are right where you need to be :)
S :)