What do you do when the alcoholic in your life shows up drunk on your front porch with car keys in hand? He's not allowed in my house because I don't have the space, he scares my animals, and because I don't want to be around him when he's drunk. I've set my boundary, but my boundary does not allow me to let him kill or injure himself or someone else by allowing him to drive drunk? I am his last resource, and I'm no longer a resource unless he's working on sobriety. I could use some advice even though I'm new to this forum, I'm not new to alanon--but he is the first active alcoholic in my life that I've dealt with. Thanks!
SerenityRUS said
Mar 21, 2017
Welcome and glad you are here .. I'm a little confused by your statement that you are not new to alanon however this is the first active alcoholic you have dealt with??
My XAH was not allowed and I say NOT ALLOWED to drive with my children in his truck with my children in it. Period. If I felt he was a danger to himself or others I have no problem calling the cops. My children were also old enough to know if something was off they did not get in the truck with him and I did not care what kind of scene he threw .. they had a right to protect themselves from being hurt because their dad had issues.
On the flip side of that alanon teaches I do not create a crisis or cover the consequences .. I know it's worded differently .. if someone is drunk and they are going to drive and I know they are going to hurt another living person or there is that possibility again .. my choice is to call the authorizes .. I have done my part in that regard and have zero regrets about it.
This is no different to me than to witness a murder and make a conscious decision not to call the police or a rape .. it defies logic to me NOT to at least notify the authorities there is a danger on the roads.
Again .. this is me and my boundary my X tested me once having the children and being drunk .. he went to jail. I'm not sorry as he was mentally in a very dark place. He needed help and that was the best avenue to go to .. I will tell you he never drank around the kids again because he understood no one was playing with him at that point.
I believe everyone has the right to come to their own conclusions on what works for them .. I take a hard stance on this as I never want to look at a family of someone he could have injured and have a part in why that person should be alive.
Hugs S :)
TalieOwl said
Mar 21, 2017
Thank you. He has been in my life for a few years as housemate (just) and very close friend. During these years, I have attended alanon off and on. Learning how others deal with these things has helped me, immensely. So has learning that his disease is his and his choices are his and that I choose how to respond. I'm actually quite at peace--sad but at peace--about cutting ties with him until and if he chooses to seek sobriety.
Iamhere said
Mar 21, 2017
Welcome TalieOwl - glad you found us at MIP and glad that you are here. This disease is progressive as you know. I am a double winner, so don't allow any alcohol or substances in my home.....of course, that also suggests under the influence is not acceptable. I've taken the keys away and suggested they sleep it off in their car. If they harass me for the keys or raise any stink, I will call the police. I have and if they come to my house under the influence, and refuse to give up the keys, I will call the police and give a heads up about a drunk driver on the roads.
As you can imagine, my qualifiers no longer come to my home when they are under the influence. I have also driven mine to the County Detox Center and left them in their car their and walked away with the keys calling for a ride. I have no desire to have it in my home, around my home and/or around me.
Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
shrnp said
Mar 21, 2017
Hello Talieowl,
I am in agreement with the other people about calling the police. If he is not driving they might let him spend the night in jail for drunk in public which is better than a DUI. However, If he is driving he should not be because he could kill someone else, so I would call the police then too. Don't make the subject about yourself or your response to the situation. Put the responsibility on the alcoholic. You can also call another person to drive them home.
_bunny_ said
Mar 22, 2017
Hello TaileOwl and ((hugs)) to you. Not to long ago my sometimes toxic, but lovely AH called me while driving his truck and under the influence of alcohol. I stayed on the phone with him until he got to where he was going and nobody got hurt except for me. I lost all my serenity in that moment, I was in denial that this had actually even happened, my anxiety went through the roof, so I made the choice to create a boundary. The next day when I was calm, I had a conversation with my AH explaining how upset his bad decision had made me because I worried for his safety and the safety of others and that next time I would be calling the police. To this day AH has respected my boundary, but I am well prepared to make that call to the police because I worked too hard to have my serenity compromised to this dreadful disease. Welcome to MIP and keep coming back :)
Mike B said
Mar 22, 2017
Hi Talieowl! Glad to have you here with us. Sounds like he's testing your boundaries? You've asked him not to show up drunk, but he has. Time to execute on those boundaries. Ask him to leave and if he doesn't, call the authorities. You're not responsible for ANYTHING that may happen to him or someone else.
KennyFenderjazz said
Mar 22, 2017
Hi TalieOwl
The best thing that ever happened to my AW was that she got a couple of DUIs. It was her wake up call, she became very afraid she would lose our child, and got heavily into recovery after that.
They also got her off the streets, because she could easily have killed herself, or someone else. Upon review, if she ever becomes active again and decides to drive and I know she is under the influence, I will call the police. I have decided that is better than if she kills someone, then it will be on my (and her) conscience for the rest of our lives.
Kenny
Jayla said
Mar 24, 2017
Feeling a bit guilty as I read all this bc my AH drives drunk EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. He's never hurt anyone. I've definitely thought about tipping off the police (cuz he's not the only one always driving home drunk either) but I haven't bc I felt like my motive would be to punish him for being out drinking. Also we certainly can't afford all the fees associated with a DUI. But I don't know, maybe I do have a responsibility.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 24, 2017
Jayla,
This as many things related to the addict individuals are dealing with is a personal choice .. it's no different than the choice to stay or leave. My XAH before we split got that DUI and it was bad .. thank GOD he didn't kill anyone and was driving in the country. I could have called the police he left drunk not as drunk as he was when they found him .. however DRUNK .. after we split and it wasn't about punishing him .. it was protecting my children from being hurt or killed for that matter .. so my choices now are very different than they were 7 years ago. It took me a while to come to that resolve. Knowing what I know now .. calling the police is the right thing for me to do.
Everyone comes to their own decision of what works .. again Alanon teaches we don't create a crisis nor do we stop the consequences of someone else's choices.
_bunny_ said
Mar 24, 2017
Hello Jayla, there's no right or wrong answer here. I like what SerenityRUS said, it's all about personal choice. In Al-Anon we don't give advice, we just share our experiences, strength and hope. So kick your guilt to the curb and trust your HP to guide your thoughts and actions and do what's best for you.
Bethany66 said
Mar 24, 2017
Jayla, I feel these same feelings. We live in a gated community and my AH feels very safe driving around while drinking. I worry about kids walking home from school or folks out walking their dogs. But I am not there when he does it, I only know he does. He sometimes takes the golf cart, and then I am sure he thinks it is absolutely no big deal. It eats at me that I don't do anything to stop it, but there is little I can do if I am not there. If I am home, I offer to drive him. But sometimes he sneaks away. I hate it.
-- Edited by Bethany66 on Friday 24th of March 2017 05:49:48 PM
Jayla said
Mar 24, 2017
Good points here. I've got some more thinking to do about this issue....
TalieOwl said
Mar 27, 2017
Thank you, all for your support and suggestions. Very long story short, cops called multiple times. Drunken psychotic rage, complete with the normal emotional/mental abuse and a good push; a gashed finger for him; and my dog running away from him when he was drunk (I found her) and much more...I cut ties. I knew when I did that he may end up dead. I am at peace with this decision. This relationship had devolved to a point that there was nothing in it for me except playing a role I don't like--and I didn't like who I become when I have to deal with his drinking. I can no longer trust him because he so rarely tells the true truth and all he does is manipulate to get others to enable him and stick around. Frankly, I'm too smart for that s**t. So, I'm done.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Monday 27th of March 2017 09:21:00 PM
What do you do when the alcoholic in your life shows up drunk on your front porch with car keys in hand? He's not allowed in my house because I don't have the space, he scares my animals, and because I don't want to be around him when he's drunk. I've set my boundary, but my boundary does not allow me to let him kill or injure himself or someone else by allowing him to drive drunk? I am his last resource, and I'm no longer a resource unless he's working on sobriety. I could use some advice even though I'm new to this forum, I'm not new to alanon--but he is the first active alcoholic in my life that I've dealt with. Thanks!
My XAH was not allowed and I say NOT ALLOWED to drive with my children in his truck with my children in it. Period. If I felt he was a danger to himself or others I have no problem calling the cops. My children were also old enough to know if something was off they did not get in the truck with him and I did not care what kind of scene he threw .. they had a right to protect themselves from being hurt because their dad had issues.
On the flip side of that alanon teaches I do not create a crisis or cover the consequences .. I know it's worded differently .. if someone is drunk and they are going to drive and I know they are going to hurt another living person or there is that possibility again .. my choice is to call the authorizes .. I have done my part in that regard and have zero regrets about it.
This is no different to me than to witness a murder and make a conscious decision not to call the police or a rape .. it defies logic to me NOT to at least notify the authorities there is a danger on the roads.
Again .. this is me and my boundary my X tested me once having the children and being drunk .. he went to jail. I'm not sorry as he was mentally in a very dark place. He needed help and that was the best avenue to go to .. I will tell you he never drank around the kids again because he understood no one was playing with him at that point.
I believe everyone has the right to come to their own conclusions on what works for them .. I take a hard stance on this as I never want to look at a family of someone he could have injured and have a part in why that person should be alive.
Hugs S :)
As you can imagine, my qualifiers no longer come to my home when they are under the influence. I have also driven mine to the County Detox Center and left them in their car their and walked away with the keys calling for a ride. I have no desire to have it in my home, around my home and/or around me.
Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
I am in agreement with the other people about calling the police. If he is not driving they might let him spend the night in jail for drunk in public which is better than a DUI. However, If he is driving he should not be because he could kill someone else, so I would call the police then too. Don't make the subject about yourself or your response to the situation. Put the responsibility on the alcoholic. You can also call another person to drive them home.
Hi Talieowl! Glad to have you here with us. Sounds like he's testing your boundaries? You've asked him not to show up drunk, but he has. Time to execute on those boundaries. Ask him to leave and if he doesn't, call the authorities. You're not responsible for ANYTHING that may happen to him or someone else.
The best thing that ever happened to my AW was that she got a couple of DUIs. It was her wake up call, she became very afraid she would lose our child, and got heavily into recovery after that.
They also got her off the streets, because she could easily have killed herself, or someone else. Upon review, if she ever becomes active again and decides to drive and I know she is under the influence, I will call the police. I have decided that is better than if she kills someone, then it will be on my (and her) conscience for the rest of our lives.
Kenny
This as many things related to the addict individuals are dealing with is a personal choice .. it's no different than the choice to stay or leave. My XAH before we split got that DUI and it was bad .. thank GOD he didn't kill anyone and was driving in the country. I could have called the police he left drunk not as drunk as he was when they found him .. however DRUNK .. after we split and it wasn't about punishing him .. it was protecting my children from being hurt or killed for that matter .. so my choices now are very different than they were 7 years ago. It took me a while to come to that resolve. Knowing what I know now .. calling the police is the right thing for me to do.
Everyone comes to their own decision of what works .. again Alanon teaches we don't create a crisis nor do we stop the consequences of someone else's choices.
Jayla,
I feel these same feelings. We live in a gated community and my AH feels very safe driving around while drinking. I worry about kids walking home from school or folks out walking their dogs. But I am not there when he does it, I only know he does. He sometimes takes the golf cart, and then I am sure he thinks it is absolutely no big deal. It eats at me that I don't do anything to stop it, but there is little I can do if I am not there. If I am home, I offer to drive him. But sometimes he sneaks away. I hate it.
-- Edited by Bethany66 on Friday 24th of March 2017 05:49:48 PM
Thank you, all for your support and suggestions. Very long story short, cops called multiple times. Drunken psychotic rage, complete with the normal emotional/mental abuse and a good push; a gashed finger for him; and my dog running away from him when he was drunk (I found her) and much more...I cut ties. I knew when I did that he may end up dead. I am at peace with this decision. This relationship had devolved to a point that there was nothing in it for me except playing a role I don't like--and I didn't like who I become when I have to deal with his drinking. I can no longer trust him because he so rarely tells the true truth and all he does is manipulate to get others to enable him and stick around. Frankly, I'm too smart for that s**t. So, I'm done.
-- Edited by Iamhere on Monday 27th of March 2017 09:21:00 PM