Yesterday I felt myself wallowing in self-pity and martyrdom. I was in an out of staying present and wallowing. In my truth it was ME that was struggling and although I had certain triggers from my A, it was more me- feeling sorry for myself. I was lucky enough to know a friend at my first F2F meeting and she let me borrow her books until I can get my own (so thankful). So yesterday evening, I pulled them out, looked in the back and started reading on resentment, self-pity, martyrdom. it was so comforting to read, to feel the words. In the midst of reading I received a text from A that caused immediate anxiety (I can always tell where he is at with his drinking based on his text- while I can't control it I know what is going on, I paused, and said I wouldn't engage in that type of conversation and left it at that). I then started reading on anxiety and Let go and Let God. How interesting that in the moment of anxiety I was deep into my readings. How thankful I am that in that moment I was taking care of me and how it affected my reaction.
I also reached out to my friend in Al-Anon, she called me later that evening and talked me thru many of the resentments, self-pity and martyrdom feelings I was having. She is not my sponsor, still looking for one, but we have a common thread and I am thankful for her and her support and guidance. I am attending a different F2F meeting on Wed and she will be there, which again I am so thankful for as I have social anxiety with new situations and new people.
I am thankful for all of your support. I read a LOT of the posts and responses. I don't always respond, but I find them messages so helpful.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 20, 2017
I don't know if you have the How Alanon Works book however for 5$ that book is a God send for me .. it has great insight and it is a definite reminder that I am not alone and sometimes it puts the things discussed in meetings or with my sponsor into full play.
I had someone tell me straight out if I didn't get off the pity pot it was going to get glued to my butt .. lol .. kind of made me mad at first and then I realized that it was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment to do something different. There is a saying that goes something like this at least .. move a muscle ... change a thought .. that helped me when my thought process got stuck to just do something different maybe it was clean the house .. go for a walk .. something that got my mind off of my obsession .. the A and what he was or wasn't doing .. it is very hard to do that when my mind gets stuck in a cycle of thought.
The best thing I can do is take care of me in those moments of my insanity .. I keep trying to get different results from the same behavior and that just doesn't work for me .. something else I wanted to point out is I have spent a LOT of time trying to make people who I believe have wronged me rewrite the past so I can have a different future .. it's what my XAH does however he wants to erase his misdeeds I want him to own them and force him to acknowledge how wrong he is .. let me tell you how that has worked out for me because that didn't start with my X .. I have been doing that with my parents since I was 8 .. I'm not just a little stubborn or anything .. LOL. No one has the ability to go back in time and rewrite history to make it what they want it to be .. my realities are I had a dysfunctional childhood that I have spent a great deal of time trying to recover from .. it can't be undone .. I wasted a lot of time trying to make it so .. I carried that over to my XAH to make him be something he was not because of the disease of alcoholism .. make him into the husband I deserved and the father our kids deserved .. again .. it didn't workout well .. LOL.
Keep coming back, keep being gentle with yourself and keep working the program to the best of your ability it will evolve with time.
Hugs S :)
Jerry F said
Mar 20, 2017
Aloha Pumpkin and Serenity....came to peeking at the board during breakfast and after my early morning meeting. I am grateful for your shares on insight and will keep some of this as gospel....specially the burp on the toilet seat getting stuck....LOL ((((hugs))))
pumkin26 said
Mar 20, 2017
Aloha, Jerry and Serenity!
Yes I am finding I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I am not sure why I was feeling so down yesterday, but wallowing isn't the answer. It's hard bc I have spent a lot of time practicing self-pity and resentment before I even realized he was an alcoholic. I have been working with a counselor as well--- working on ME. I have a lot of baggage. I realized that I am attracted to helping people (it's my profession too) and as I look back on not just relationships but all sorts of people I've come into contact with I am struck with this sudden awareness. Even tho my A wasn't active alcoholic when we met he had other warning signs as someone that could fall into addiction. I do struggle with past resentments, things that have happened, or didn't happen, things that were said or not said based on my expectations. Not having awareness of alcoholism set me up for failure. And you're right, I can't go back and change anything. My Al-Anon friend said last night that her sponsor told her when she is in the past or in the future to look down at her feet. we laughed a little, but it makes sense. I was re-reading my post and I must have said thankful like 20 times haha but that is how I am feeling today.
In the midst of my wallowing I realized (it hit me in that very moment) that I "need" his love in order to feel value. My thoughts were dark. Isn't that sad? This is the pattern I have felt for a long time, even before my relationship with my AH. I have a lot of work to do on my own recovery.
My counselor gave me a book called "the Courage to Be Yourself." sounds right up my alley.
Iamhere said
Mar 20, 2017
Good on you pumkin for using the tools you have access to! I love that you identified where you were and took action. We discuss and hear about the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance and Action - way to go!
I readily admit - I too love the analogy of the pity pot and it getting stuck to the backside - I chuckled out loud....Grateful for each of you on this journey!!
(((Hugs)))
pumkin26 said
Mar 21, 2017
Thank you, Iamhere... I was listening to a podcast today on the 4 M's. I definitely am guilty of "mothering, managing, and martyrdom" the manipulation easily falls into place with all three of those as well. It is so interesting for me to read and listen and become very self-aware. Ha! Definitely not trying to get my bum stuck on the pot!
shrnp said
Mar 21, 2017
Hi pumpkin,
I don't know if you can relate to this but I started timing my anxiety and other reactions after my A would call me and get me going. I decided that I was not going give him another minute of my day after giving the disease so much of my life. It turned out to be two hours the first day, and about 1 1/2 hours the next time he called. It use to be a whole a weekend so I am doing a lot better. It take times, I wish, I had been a part of Alanon a lot sooner. It has made things so much easier.
Iamhere said
Mar 22, 2017
I hear you pumkin - I too heard many things and my brain was like....oh yeah - I can relate!!! Then I would listen in meetings and hear how others have helped themselves through the tools/steps/sponsor and got confidence that I too could repair/change me. It's really a simple program - we just have to be willing to be open and to change.
Yesterday I felt myself wallowing in self-pity and martyrdom. I was in an out of staying present and wallowing. In my truth it was ME that was struggling and although I had certain triggers from my A, it was more me- feeling sorry for myself. I was lucky enough to know a friend at my first F2F meeting and she let me borrow her books until I can get my own (so thankful). So yesterday evening, I pulled them out, looked in the back and started reading on resentment, self-pity, martyrdom. it was so comforting to read, to feel the words. In the midst of reading I received a text from A that caused immediate anxiety (I can always tell where he is at with his drinking based on his text- while I can't control it I know what is going on, I paused, and said I wouldn't engage in that type of conversation and left it at that). I then started reading on anxiety and Let go and Let God. How interesting that in the moment of anxiety I was deep into my readings. How thankful I am that in that moment I was taking care of me and how it affected my reaction.
I also reached out to my friend in Al-Anon, she called me later that evening and talked me thru many of the resentments, self-pity and martyrdom feelings I was having. She is not my sponsor, still looking for one, but we have a common thread and I am thankful for her and her support and guidance. I am attending a different F2F meeting on Wed and she will be there, which again I am so thankful for as I have social anxiety with new situations and new people.
I am thankful for all of your support. I read a LOT of the posts and responses. I don't always respond, but I find them messages so helpful.
I had someone tell me straight out if I didn't get off the pity pot it was going to get glued to my butt .. lol .. kind of made me mad at first and then I realized that it was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment to do something different. There is a saying that goes something like this at least .. move a muscle ... change a thought .. that helped me when my thought process got stuck to just do something different maybe it was clean the house .. go for a walk .. something that got my mind off of my obsession .. the A and what he was or wasn't doing .. it is very hard to do that when my mind gets stuck in a cycle of thought.
The best thing I can do is take care of me in those moments of my insanity .. I keep trying to get different results from the same behavior and that just doesn't work for me .. something else I wanted to point out is I have spent a LOT of time trying to make people who I believe have wronged me rewrite the past so I can have a different future .. it's what my XAH does however he wants to erase his misdeeds I want him to own them and force him to acknowledge how wrong he is .. let me tell you how that has worked out for me because that didn't start with my X .. I have been doing that with my parents since I was 8 .. I'm not just a little stubborn or anything .. LOL. No one has the ability to go back in time and rewrite history to make it what they want it to be .. my realities are I had a dysfunctional childhood that I have spent a great deal of time trying to recover from .. it can't be undone .. I wasted a lot of time trying to make it so .. I carried that over to my XAH to make him be something he was not because of the disease of alcoholism .. make him into the husband I deserved and the father our kids deserved .. again .. it didn't workout well .. LOL.
Keep coming back, keep being gentle with yourself and keep working the program to the best of your ability it will evolve with time.
Hugs S :)
Aloha Pumpkin and Serenity....came to peeking at the board during breakfast and after my early morning meeting. I am grateful for your shares on insight and will keep some of this as gospel....specially the burp on the toilet seat getting stuck....LOL ((((hugs))))
Yes I am finding I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I am not sure why I was feeling so down yesterday, but wallowing isn't the answer. It's hard bc I have spent a lot of time practicing self-pity and resentment before I even realized he was an alcoholic. I have been working with a counselor as well--- working on ME. I have a lot of baggage. I realized that I am attracted to helping people (it's my profession too) and as I look back on not just relationships but all sorts of people I've come into contact with I am struck with this sudden awareness. Even tho my A wasn't active alcoholic when we met he had other warning signs as someone that could fall into addiction. I do struggle with past resentments, things that have happened, or didn't happen, things that were said or not said based on my expectations. Not having awareness of alcoholism set me up for failure. And you're right, I can't go back and change anything. My Al-Anon friend said last night that her sponsor told her when she is in the past or in the future to look down at her feet. we laughed a little, but it makes sense. I was re-reading my post and I must have said thankful like 20 times haha but that is how I am feeling today.
In the midst of my wallowing I realized (it hit me in that very moment) that I "need" his love in order to feel value. My thoughts were dark. Isn't that sad? This is the pattern I have felt for a long time, even before my relationship with my AH. I have a lot of work to do on my own recovery.
My counselor gave me a book called "the Courage to Be Yourself." sounds right up my alley.
I readily admit - I too love the analogy of the pity pot and it getting stuck to the backside - I chuckled out loud....Grateful for each of you on this journey!!
(((Hugs)))
I don't know if you can relate to this but I started timing my anxiety and other reactions after my A would call me and get me going. I decided that I was not going give him another minute of my day after giving the disease so much of my life. It turned out to be two hours the first day, and about 1 1/2 hours the next time he called. It use to be a whole a weekend so I am doing a lot better. It take times, I wish, I had been a part of Alanon a lot sooner. It has made things so much easier.
(((Hugs)))