I am where I thought I would never be again. On the Merry-go-round. Again. Even though I have a lot of venting to do, this post will be some history. Six years ago I found out my H was a meth addict. Fun. The 3 years prior was so hellish, that I was planning on leaving him with my then 10 year-old son. Then I found the baggie and knew why our lives had become so chaotic. Why I hated him... why I dreamed of him dying. Every. Damn. Night.
Instead of leaving, I enlisted the help of his and my family & they confronted him a la Intervention-style, while my son and I left the house. He spent 90 days in rehab. During that time I went to many meetings... both Narc-anon and Al-anon. I joined this forum. While he was jumping fences and begging me to come home, I had to apply for state aid and file a DA's report. You see, he had run through our entire life savings. I had nothing. But I did have a job and supportive family. I also had meetings. People who knew the embarrassment of what I was going through. After 90 days was up, I did not let my RA back into the house. I was not ready. But because of the program, I did not divorce him - even though I still wanted to. He continued to work his program, and I mine. Because my son was young, after 60 days, I decided to let him move back in. Besides, he was doing really well, and I had a glimmer of hope for us as a couple. Well that lasted about a year. Then he stopped working his program b/c "All that reminds me of the worst time of my life." In the back of my mind I felt that the shoe was going to drop... it was only a matter of time.
As it turned out, we spent the next 5 yrs. in a decent place. Whenever I had doubts, I would test him (per his request) and it would always come back negative. However I noticed that I had begun to "complain" of "addict behaviors." Old behaviors that not only I did not love about him, but that made me question my love for him. Then he began to get ill. For quite a while, he wouldn't go to the doctor because he feared he may have cancer. Crazy thinking, right? Finally, he was too ill to spend a whole day at work. He complained all day when at home. He finally took my advice and went to the doctor. After thousands of dollars in tests, he was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome with diarrhea, and fatty-liver disease. What? He was told to lose weight, go on a FODMAP diet, take probiotics and oh yea, quit drinking. What? Who? That is when I first found out that his health problems were due to drinking. However, he told the doctor and myself that he "just drank heavily for about 6 months, b/c he was suffering from depression after the death of his father." "I can stop at any time, and certainly this health scare is telling me it is time." So the doctor put him on an antidepressant, and scheduled follow-up appointments and tests.
Fast-forward 6 months and I just recently found out that my H is not only avoiding going to his follow-up appointments & not taking his meds regularly, but oh yea, he comes home and passes out almost every night! Believe me, I have thought something was up for months now, but each time I bring up alcohol use, he gets angry and uses my distrust as a weapon against me... "You should be working your program"... or "You never allow me to be recovered!" Or my favorite... "You are just crazy!" His favorite line to me when he was spinning from too much Meth. One night I came home from work to find him passed out on our bed, his pants wet with urine, and a half-empty bottle of vodka next to him. I have been away from meetings for quite a while... I thought I was free. How wrong I was! After an angry confrontation, he finally admitted that he was an alcoholic and was so ashamed that he was going to have to start over with recovery.
Well, I used what I learned from my first go-round with Al-anon and waited until the next day when he was sober to remind him of the boundaries I set 6 years ago. That if he wanted this marriage, he would have to attend meetings. Unfortunately, we have NEVER recovered financially from the first time, so we live paycheck to paycheck. No savings to speak of. I thought that perhaps he could use his sick-time and 2 weeks of paid vacation to attend a rehab facility... that's when he told me that he used all his time last month trying to get over the withdrawals on his own. Because of our odd work hours, I never knew that he took this time off. He hid it well. He is too afraid to use the alcohol program at work... not to mention we don't know how we would manage all the debt we have (and the rent) without his pay. I work part-time at minimum wage. So after some time lingering on these boards reading, I decided that I will focus on detaching and getting back to F2F meetings and my AH can stay in the house as long as he is attending meetings and there is no more passed-out nights.
I am not perfect in my detaching... I do dream of him having a massive heart attack & dying. Almost nightly. I do get pissed off when he talks about "getting my best friend back," but as of 3 weeks into this revelation has only attended one meeting! He hates that I seem so distant... but I cannot detach with love right now. I feel no love for him. I am just trying not to let the anger I feel get the best of me.
Freetime said
Mar 19, 2017
Hi Posies, I am glad to hear you are planning to detach and to go to F2F meetings.
I have had many of the same feelings you are having, the frustration at a sick addict not following medical advice, not taking advantage of any program, passing out, etc. I understand the feeling of wishing the person would die and release both of us from this pain.
I understand not being able to detach with love. I learned from the program that this is a process, and I could not expect loving detachment to happen all at once. It was OK to start with angry detachment, because that was just the first step and I could progress gradually from there. As I was reminded by a program friend, it is "Progress, not Perfection."
I just wanted to say you are not alone, and there is hope.
PosiesandPuppies said
Mar 19, 2017
So yea. Most of my journaling right now will be angry. I am sorry about that. But I also know that I need to get these angry feelings off my chest. I need to have the small pity party for one, so that I can move on from here.
I hate that my life involves addiction... again!
I hate that I feel so vulnerable.
I hate that I was right... deep down, I was right all along... my AH could not beat his addictive personality.
I hate that I chose to stay with him.
I hate that now I question even falling in love with him in the first place! I wish I would have chosen someone else.
I hate that I do not trust ANYONE except my parents. It really is hard to live life that way. It makes it hard to raise a teen... I am constantly working against myself so that I don't put all that on my son.
I hate that we have never recovered from my AH's first time with addiction - financially. I would love to be self-sustaining so that I could up and move out of his life!
I hate that with the first go-round he squashed any dream of owning a home.
I hate that with this go-round, he squashed my dream of going back to school to become an ultrasound tech - that was the reasoning of ending my at-home business to work part-time for minimum wage.
Even though I know I get good stuff from meetings and the 12 steps, I hate that I have to come to this place again.
I hate that all the years of work on ME didn't help with keeping my AH from succumbing to his addictive personality. Although it has helped me to become less controlling - which is a great thing!
I hate the fear of thinking that one day my AH will lose his job due to his drinking.
I hate the feeling of uncertainty.
I hate that his drinking has kept him from being a true partner with parenting.
I hate hearing his excuses.
Ok. In some way, I feel a little lighter... even though my AH just told me that he won't be going to a meeting tonight b/c it's just too late on a Sunday night. This was after telling me he would go to one on Thursday night... then Friday night... then Sunday afternoon. Sigh
I think I will click on the Step Work Board!
PosiesandPuppies said
Mar 19, 2017
Thank you, Freetime...your reply to my post made me cry... but in a good way. B/c I know that people here are all going through the same thing.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 20, 2017
Hugs PP ..I'm so sorry and I know people shy away from anger .. I don't .. Anger is a motivating feeling. My suggestion is feel your feelings in a safe place and then you do the next right thing. Meetings .. Sponsor .. step work and so on .. Welcome back I'm just so sorry the reasons as to why you are back. Do the step work not just the meetings. Hugs you are not alone.
hotrod said
Mar 20, 2017
Hi Possies and Puppies (love your log on name and Avatar) Glad that you have returned and had the courage to share with such honesty and clarity, Please do remember that alcoholism is a chronic , progressive disease over which we are powerless.
Attending alanon meetings helps me to keep the focus on myself, monitor my negative voices, and most importantly accept life on life's' terms. Glad that you plan on visiting the Steps as I beleive that recovery can be found in working them Please do keep coming back
Iamhere said
Mar 20, 2017
I too send warm welcomes PP and love your name and avatar! Glad that you've returned and so sorry for the circumstances. This disease is powerful and progressive - it's too much for one person to handle alone. Denial is larger than life and equal to the disease - I completely understand your anger....I've BTDT (Been There Done That).
I love that you returned to recovery, meetings, focusing on you, etc. I can share from my own experience that only this program and all it offers gave me what I tried many other ways to have - peace of mind and my joy back. For each 'angry list' I created, my sponsor suggested I try to also create a gratitude/asset list. We are so, so hard on ourselves - it really, really helped. In the beginning, I was able to find few things but I put forth the effort any ways.
I hope you keep coming back - there is always hope and help in recovery. (((Hugs)))
PosiesandPuppies said
Mar 21, 2017
Thank you, Serenity, hotrod and Iamhere!
It feels good knowing that I can vent (even the ugly stuff) and there will be people here that will accept me and guide me as well. I love the idea of a gratitude list! True, I may not have many to list right now, but it may help me to start thinking in a more positive light.
I am grateful for my parents - they support me no matter what!
I am grateful to have my low-paying job - going from $16.00/hr to $10.00/hr was a huge shock to be sure, but at least I have one, & it is so fun working with dogs every day!
I am grateful that my son took my advice today.
I am grateful to have access to this forum!
Jerry F said
Mar 21, 2017
Aloha PP and welcome back...certainly you do have courage to try to change the things you can. "Cunning, Powerful and Baffling" is often the description for the disease of addiction and so the victims of it who make headway learn how to keep a detachment going so that they can learn and practice their program of peace of mind and serenity. I was born and raised in the disease and had to come to the understanding that enabling it to exist and grow was normal and natural for me until I found and got into our program. I almost succumbed to the death outcome of it and then almost did happen.
I am in support of your recovery and your husbands also should he complet
Hello All!
I am where I thought I would never be again. On the Merry-go-round. Again. Even though I have a lot of venting to do, this post will be some history. Six years ago I found out my H was a meth addict. Fun. The 3 years prior was so hellish, that I was planning on leaving him with my then 10 year-old son. Then I found the baggie and knew why our lives had become so chaotic. Why I hated him... why I dreamed of him dying. Every. Damn. Night.
Instead of leaving, I enlisted the help of his and my family & they confronted him a la Intervention-style, while my son and I left the house. He spent 90 days in rehab. During that time I went to many meetings... both Narc-anon and Al-anon. I joined this forum. While he was jumping fences and begging me to come home, I had to apply for state aid and file a DA's report. You see, he had run through our entire life savings. I had nothing. But I did have a job and supportive family. I also had meetings. People who knew the embarrassment of what I was going through. After 90 days was up, I did not let my RA back into the house. I was not ready. But because of the program, I did not divorce him - even though I still wanted to. He continued to work his program, and I mine. Because my son was young, after 60 days, I decided to let him move back in. Besides, he was doing really well, and I had a glimmer of hope for us as a couple. Well that lasted about a year. Then he stopped working his program b/c "All that reminds me of the worst time of my life." In the back of my mind I felt that the shoe was going to drop... it was only a matter of time.
As it turned out, we spent the next 5 yrs. in a decent place. Whenever I had doubts, I would test him (per his request) and it would always come back negative. However I noticed that I had begun to "complain" of "addict behaviors." Old behaviors that not only I did not love about him, but that made me question my love for him. Then he began to get ill. For quite a while, he wouldn't go to the doctor because he feared he may have cancer. Crazy thinking, right? Finally, he was too ill to spend a whole day at work. He complained all day when at home. He finally took my advice and went to the doctor. After thousands of dollars in tests, he was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome with diarrhea, and fatty-liver disease. What? He was told to lose weight, go on a FODMAP diet, take probiotics and oh yea, quit drinking. What? Who? That is when I first found out that his health problems were due to drinking. However, he told the doctor and myself that he "just drank heavily for about 6 months, b/c he was suffering from depression after the death of his father." "I can stop at any time, and certainly this health scare is telling me it is time." So the doctor put him on an antidepressant, and scheduled follow-up appointments and tests.
Fast-forward 6 months and I just recently found out that my H is not only avoiding going to his follow-up appointments & not taking his meds regularly, but oh yea, he comes home and passes out almost every night! Believe me, I have thought something was up for months now, but each time I bring up alcohol use, he gets angry and uses my distrust as a weapon against me... "You should be working your program"... or "You never allow me to be recovered!" Or my favorite... "You are just crazy!" His favorite line to me when he was spinning from too much Meth. One night I came home from work to find him passed out on our bed, his pants wet with urine, and a half-empty bottle of vodka next to him. I have been away from meetings for quite a while... I thought I was free. How wrong I was! After an angry confrontation, he finally admitted that he was an alcoholic and was so ashamed that he was going to have to start over with recovery.
Well, I used what I learned from my first go-round with Al-anon and waited until the next day when he was sober to remind him of the boundaries I set 6 years ago. That if he wanted this marriage, he would have to attend meetings. Unfortunately, we have NEVER recovered financially from the first time, so we live paycheck to paycheck. No savings to speak of. I thought that perhaps he could use his sick-time and 2 weeks of paid vacation to attend a rehab facility... that's when he told me that he used all his time last month trying to get over the withdrawals on his own. Because of our odd work hours, I never knew that he took this time off. He hid it well. He is too afraid to use the alcohol program at work... not to mention we don't know how we would manage all the debt we have (and the rent) without his pay. I work part-time at minimum wage. So after some time lingering on these boards reading, I decided that I will focus on detaching and getting back to F2F meetings and my AH can stay in the house as long as he is attending meetings and there is no more passed-out nights.
I am not perfect in my detaching... I do dream of him having a massive heart attack & dying. Almost nightly. I do get pissed off when he talks about "getting my best friend back," but as of 3 weeks into this revelation has only attended one meeting! He hates that I seem so distant... but I cannot detach with love right now. I feel no love for him. I am just trying not to let the anger I feel get the best of me.
Hi Posies, I am glad to hear you are planning to detach and to go to F2F meetings.
I have had many of the same feelings you are having, the frustration at a sick addict not following medical advice, not taking advantage of any program, passing out, etc. I understand the feeling of wishing the person would die and release both of us from this pain.
I understand not being able to detach with love. I learned from the program that this is a process, and I could not expect loving detachment to happen all at once. It was OK to start with angry detachment, because that was just the first step and I could progress gradually from there. As I was reminded by a program friend, it is "Progress, not Perfection."
I just wanted to say you are not alone, and there is hope.
So yea. Most of my journaling right now will be angry. I am sorry about that. But I also know that I need to get these angry feelings off my chest. I need to have the small pity party for one, so that I can move on from here.
I hate that my life involves addiction... again!
I hate that I feel so vulnerable.
I hate that I was right... deep down, I was right all along... my AH could not beat his addictive personality.
I hate that I chose to stay with him.
I hate that now I question even falling in love with him in the first place! I wish I would have chosen someone else.
I hate that I do not trust ANYONE except my parents. It really is hard to live life that way. It makes it hard to raise a teen... I am constantly working against myself so that I don't put all that on my son.
I hate that we have never recovered from my AH's first time with addiction - financially. I would love to be self-sustaining so that I could up and move out of his life!
I hate that with the first go-round he squashed any dream of owning a home.
I hate that with this go-round, he squashed my dream of going back to school to become an ultrasound tech - that was the reasoning of ending my at-home business to work part-time for minimum wage.
Even though I know I get good stuff from meetings and the 12 steps, I hate that I have to come to this place again.
I hate that all the years of work on ME didn't help with keeping my AH from succumbing to his addictive personality. Although it has helped me to become less controlling - which is a great thing!
I hate the fear of thinking that one day my AH will lose his job due to his drinking.
I hate the feeling of uncertainty.
I hate that his drinking has kept him from being a true partner with parenting.
I hate hearing his excuses.
Ok. In some way, I feel a little lighter... even though my AH just told me that he won't be going to a meeting tonight b/c it's just too late on a Sunday night. This was after telling me he would go to one on Thursday night... then Friday night... then Sunday afternoon. Sigh
I think I will click on the Step Work Board!
Thank you, Freetime...your reply to my post made me cry... but in a good way. B/c I know that people here are all going through the same thing.
Hi Possies and Puppies (love your log on name and Avatar) Glad that you have returned and had the courage to share with such honesty and clarity, Please do remember that alcoholism is a chronic , progressive disease over which we are powerless.
Attending alanon meetings helps me to keep the focus on myself, monitor my negative voices, and most importantly accept life on life's' terms. Glad that you plan on visiting the Steps as I beleive that recovery can be found in working them Please do keep coming back
I love that you returned to recovery, meetings, focusing on you, etc. I can share from my own experience that only this program and all it offers gave me what I tried many other ways to have - peace of mind and my joy back. For each 'angry list' I created, my sponsor suggested I try to also create a gratitude/asset list. We are so, so hard on ourselves - it really, really helped. In the beginning, I was able to find few things but I put forth the effort any ways.
I hope you keep coming back - there is always hope and help in recovery. (((Hugs)))
It feels good knowing that I can vent (even the ugly stuff) and there will be people here that will accept me and guide me as well. I love the idea of a gratitude list! True, I may not have many to list right now, but it may help me to start thinking in a more positive light.
I am grateful for my parents - they support me no matter what!
I am grateful to have my low-paying job - going from $16.00/hr to $10.00/hr was a huge shock to be sure, but at least I have one, & it is so fun working with dogs every day!
I am grateful that my son took my advice today.
I am grateful to have access to this forum!
Aloha PP and welcome back...certainly you do have courage to try to change the things you can. "Cunning, Powerful and Baffling" is often the description for the disease of addiction and so the victims of it who make headway learn how to keep a detachment going so that they can learn and practice their program of peace of mind and serenity. I was born and raised in the disease and had to come to the understanding that enabling it to exist and grow was normal and natural for me until I found and got into our program. I almost succumbed to the death outcome of it and then almost did happen.
I am in support of your recovery and your husbands also should he complet