Passage from How Alanon Works page 411: "Over the years, I have spent much of my time trying to bend life and other people to my will, only to fail miserably. I have also tried to change myself, eliminate my character defects, and force myself to feel differently. Again I have always failed. So why did change happen so much more readily after I returned to the program? The most important difference I can see is that by the time I returned, I was willing to be helped. It was the same old lessonGod didnt need my instructions about how to heal me. My job was not to identify all of the changes that should be made so that God would know what to do. My job was to be willing to accept His will for me, willing to heal.
Im five years in recovery I believe in the power to change one day at time. But, when Im not actively participating in program, I fall off the wagon. My Stinking Thinking subtly pops back in and my years of progress, healing and evolution can be diminished in a blink of an eye.
See, living my life on my own accord has never worked for me. I know that I need to practice the 12-steps and surrender to a higher power to get better. Otherwise I become isolated, detached from reality and my emotions. Serenity is just not possible.
When Im struggling, Ill contact a few closest friends who may have the slightest clue about the cunning, baffling disease of addiction. There is one friend in particular I know not to talk to about my personal traumas. However I wasnt in sound mind and she was around. She has a tendency of blaming me or accusing me of being so hard on myself. Trust me, my inner critic is worse than you can imagine. But when she blames me, I completely shut down and feel angry and resentful for opening up.
Program has helped me identify my negative thought patterns and regulate emotions. My ideas about situations drastically change. Only when I yield my power and attribute my personal gifts, do I begin to transform. I model my talents and efforts from inspiring people before me. When Im not learning from someone who is impacting me or the vision I have for my life, I turn inwards and isolate.
Not many people understand what its like to navigate a world that can feel unsafe or invalidated in. I was brought up not to feel my feelings. In school, I was too nice, too sensitive, and maybe a pushover. I was often told Youre too sensitive. Youve got to toughen up.
Pick a card any card. Ive heard them all. Peoples words and actions, regardless of their self-awareness or lack thereof, impacted me deeply.
I still remember what it felt like 15 years ago when someone put gum on my seat. Someone called me fat. Someone called me annoying. I wasnt invited to class birthday parties. Kids can be SO cruel.
I figured the only way to beat was to be better than them so thats what I did. I tried to control every situation and manipulate every outcome. I didnt learn how to do things the healthy way.
Back to the future a passage if time, I recently shared a post It Begins with Me. The last few months, I wasnt able to accept my job loss. I was in denial, self-loathing, and blaming God for another misfortune. The cliché old habits die hard ring true. I was struggling with:
1. Take accountability for other peoples actions. As a result, I was the one suffering. Nothing pains me more than to feel like I let someone down. Its those same people who have regularly implored me to say no more are the ones who have asked the most of me and have the highest expectations. When I said no or spoke up, my relationship were in jeopardy.
Its a damned if you do, damned if you dont word, sometimes. Nothing gives me more anxiety then this paradox.
2. Denied my instincts. My central focus was trying to help everyone else instead of turning inward. I let their issues become mine and ultimately couldnt separate the two. It took all my energy, and I felt mentally and emotionally drained constantly.
I am finally grounded in my own personal realities and goals and know that I need recovery for success.
With a humble heart, thank you for reading my post. There are so many benefits to sharing, and feel grateful to be part of this group.
-- Edited by msjuliet on Sunday 19th of March 2017 07:47:10 PM
-- Edited by msjuliet on Sunday 19th of March 2017 07:47:57 PM
-- Edited by msjuliet on Sunday 19th of March 2017 07:48:40 PM
-- Edited by msjuliet on Sunday 19th of March 2017 08:05:29 PM
Iamhere said
Mar 20, 2017
Thank you for the great share msjuliet - love to hear and see our program in action!!! (((Hugs)))
hotrod said
Mar 20, 2017
I agree Great reminder. I found that by working the program I no longer have such destructive, negative thoughts and am so grateful that alanon has shown me a new way to think,respond and feel.
msjuliet said
Mar 21, 2017
Thank you for the kind words and building me up! I'm so grateful for this community. xo
shrnp said
Mar 26, 2017
msjuliet,
Thanks for your share. I have found my serenity shattered by old thought patterns lately. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. I certainly feel stuck and I have not felt like that in awhile. Maybe I should work on the steps some more myself. Thanks again!
Conflicted said
Apr 19, 2023
Does this sound familiar??
I'm wondering if anybody else whose spouse is in recovery and you attend Alanon, still feel like your OWN life is unmanageable??? I never hear anybody talk about it. My OWN life is SO OUT OF CONTROL... the way I see that is in my HOME, bill management, laundry, I'm behind in my work that I need to turn into a class at a certain time, etc
I live day to day. If I have to go out to my class, I'm definitely hurriedly completing what I need to do to be able to perform my responsibilities in that class for that day and getting dressed probably not long before I have to leave. I take my medicine and eat something quickly.
On the days I don't have class generally I get up at no set time, brush teeth, bathroom and then go downstairs to take my medicine which takes a little while. Then I'll have something small to eat with my medicine. Then I check my email and respond to what needs to be addressed, then check Facebook, maybe do Wordle of the day. I know to all of you it probably sounds like, "okay there's an hour og her day, but in reality that can be a couple hours sometimes for me. Generally the TV is on during all that listening to the news or background noise.
Then I'm doing minor little things and usually end up sitting and watching TV for the most of the rest of my day. As it gets close to everyone coming home I'll get dressed, clean up kitchen, and possibly start dinner. Then once my kids and husband are home depending on the day I may have a meeting, if not then I'm cleaning up dinner in the kitchen maybe doing some laundry, or taking child to their activity or sitting and watching TV with them if they're home.
Believe it or not this is an improvement from 3 years ago. then I wouldn't be dressed the majority of the time and I would not have considered even taking this class and doing the work with it. I am on depression medicine and my doctor has adjusted it and that's when in the past 3 years things started to improve with me being a bit better.
Life just seems to have gotten away from me. I don't know if it's getting cell phones and computers cuz I definitely see once those became a part of my life at having an impact.... I know at one point I gave up because no matter what I did said my husband would never step up and help to the point that I even asked for his help project and my daughter's room as my Mother's Day gift that year. Other than my young daughter coming in for a little while to help me my husband and son did not get involved at all . I put the responsibility of no follow through completely on my husband because it was up to him whether him and the kids got involved and gave me the gift I asked for being them involved in my task. after that hit me and saying that even asking for help as a gift and not getting it I kind of was so hurt and angry, I gave up in a lot of ways. That was 12 - 13 years ago.
I don't know where to go from here or How to pull myself out of this Rabbit Hole. ""Making myself lists or telling myself x,y,z, that I'm going to do tomorrow" doesn't make me do it, get better or improve. AT the end of the day I just feel like a failure once again
Has anyone else experience or felt this? I'd like to go back to feel like a productive human being have my house, bills, life, social life, etc ...
I feel like I'm in a whirlpool going down a drain it just keeps going and I can't pull myself out
Thank you for reading.
DM2021 said
Apr 20, 2023
Conflicted,
1. The doctor who you see for your medication should know how you are feeling.
6. Keep coming back here to MIP and let us know how you are doing or need to
talk.
I hoped I helped.
Enigmatic said
Apr 20, 2023
Hi Conflicted, thank you so much for your honest share.
I absolutely can relate, that's what brought me to a point of desperation initially, and still tests me at times.
It may sound cliché, but as DM said above, keep your focus on the basics of the program and keep coming back to it...it really does work.
I can't change others, but there is a world of my own perspective that Alanon has helped me change, and it enabled me to find a sliver of Serenity that has grown a little every day that I keep the focus and effort on ALanon basics.
Passage from How Alanon Works page 411: "Over the years, I have spent much of my time trying to bend life and other people to my will, only to fail miserably. I have also tried to change myself, eliminate my character defects, and force myself to feel differently. Again I have always failed. So why did change happen so much more readily after I returned to the program? The most important difference I can see is that by the time I returned, I was willing to be helped. It was the same old lessonGod didnt need my instructions about how to heal me. My job was not to identify all of the changes that should be made so that God would know what to do. My job was to be willing to accept His will for me, willing to heal.
Im five years in recovery I believe in the power to change one day at time. But, when Im not actively participating in program, I fall off the wagon. My Stinking Thinking subtly pops back in and my years of progress, healing and evolution can be diminished in a blink of an eye.
See, living my life on my own accord has never worked for me. I know that I need to practice the 12-steps and surrender to a higher power to get better. Otherwise I become isolated, detached from reality and my emotions. Serenity is just not possible.
When Im struggling, Ill contact a few closest friends who may have the slightest clue about the cunning, baffling disease of addiction. There is one friend in particular I know not to talk to about my personal traumas. However I wasnt in sound mind and she was around. She has a tendency of blaming me or accusing me of being so hard on myself. Trust me, my inner critic is worse than you can imagine. But when she blames me, I completely shut down and feel angry and resentful for opening up.
Program has helped me identify my negative thought patterns and regulate emotions. My ideas about situations drastically change. Only when I yield my power and attribute my personal gifts, do I begin to transform. I model my talents and efforts from inspiring people before me. When Im not learning from someone who is impacting me or the vision I have for my life, I turn inwards and isolate.
Not many people understand what its like to navigate a world that can feel unsafe or invalidated in. I was brought up not to feel my feelings. In school, I was too nice, too sensitive, and maybe a pushover. I was often told Youre too sensitive. Youve got to toughen up.
Pick a card any card. Ive heard them all. Peoples words and actions, regardless of their self-awareness or lack thereof, impacted me deeply.
I still remember what it felt like 15 years ago when someone put gum on my seat. Someone called me fat. Someone called me annoying. I wasnt invited to class birthday parties. Kids can be SO cruel.
I figured the only way to beat was to be better than them so thats what I did. I tried to control every situation and manipulate every outcome. I didnt learn how to do things the healthy way.
Back to the future a passage if time, I recently shared a post It Begins with Me. The last few months, I wasnt able to accept my job loss. I was in denial, self-loathing, and blaming God for another misfortune. The cliché old habits die hard ring true. I was struggling with:
1. Take accountability for other peoples actions. As a result, I was the one suffering. Nothing pains me more than to feel like I let someone down. Its those same people who have regularly implored me to say no more are the ones who have asked the most of me and have the highest expectations. When I said no or spoke up, my relationship were in jeopardy.
Its a damned if you do, damned if you dont word, sometimes. Nothing gives me more anxiety then this paradox.
2. Denied my instincts. My central focus was trying to help everyone else instead of turning inward. I let their issues become mine and ultimately couldnt separate the two. It took all my energy, and I felt mentally and emotionally drained constantly.
I am finally grounded in my own personal realities and goals and know that I need recovery for success.
With a humble heart, thank you for reading my post. There are so many benefits to sharing, and feel grateful to be part of this group.
-- Edited by msjuliet on Sunday 19th of March 2017 07:47:10 PM
-- Edited by msjuliet on Sunday 19th of March 2017 07:47:57 PM
-- Edited by msjuliet on Sunday 19th of March 2017 07:48:40 PM
-- Edited by msjuliet on Sunday 19th of March 2017 08:05:29 PM
Thank you for the kind words and building me up! I'm so grateful for this community. xo
Thanks for your share. I have found my serenity shattered by old thought patterns lately. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. I certainly feel stuck and I have not felt like that in awhile. Maybe I should work on the steps some more myself. Thanks again!
1. The doctor who you see for your medication should know how you are feeling.
2. "Easy Does It" on yourself.
3. Keep working the 12 Steps of Al-Anon
4. Get a C2C or ODAT book and read everyday.
5. Join a local Al-Anon group and attend meetings/select a sponsor.
al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/
6. Keep coming back here to MIP and let us know how you are doing or need to
talk.
I hoped I helped.
I absolutely can relate, that's what brought me to a point of desperation initially, and still tests me at times.
It may sound cliché, but as DM said above, keep your focus on the basics of the program and keep coming back to it...it really does work.
I can't change others, but there is a world of my own perspective that Alanon has helped me change, and it enabled me to find a sliver of Serenity that has grown a little every day that I keep the focus and effort on ALanon basics.
SO glad you shared, you're on the right track!