Frustrating! Living with an active A, is to, say the least, and polietly, frustrating. I try so hard to practice the pause, before I say things I normally would. Even when he is dry, I pause before I respond to something completely stupid he has said. Like last night, we had been having a decent conversation about an event he been working at. He made a comment about an indivual who was taking advantage of someone else paying for drinks. And how drunk this person was getting. While I didn't respond........in my head I'm screeming......"you a$$!! You can talk trash about other people........hello you are one of them!" I know that it is his issue to deal with, how he views people, his thoughts etc. I need to let his words become just that.....words and not let he say get to me.

I'm still learning about detachment, it is hard when you are with my A way too much. 

Last night when I was getting ready for bed, I discovered my A had wrecked my favorite bedding. It was a gift and super expensive. I finally had I bed that made me feel like I was staying in a 5 star resort! It made me so happy to snuggle up under the covers. I could go to bed "mad" and still feel cozy! He wrecked it!! (insert all the swears here........I was that mad) When I seen the burn hole from his cigarette that he had dropped while drunk in bed one night........I yelled "are you bleeping kidding me".....from the living room he replied "what" I didn't respond. He could see me though. I closed the door rather harshly. And went to bed. He slept on the couch. So now do I leave the blanket on the bed? If I take it away, it won't get wrecked more.  He will know why I took it, good! But that's a more out of spite. If I leave it, I will worry everytime he is drinking. I gut tells me to take it away, don't care what he thinks, I will feel better knowing he can't completely wreck it. Yes I know it's just a silly blanket.....it's material. For me, it's the resp

I'm more angry at myself now. How could I have been so stupid to think he would respect my wishes to be careful. I knew he had wrecked other bedding in past in the same manner. What I was thinking. I just wanted my bedroom to be my cozy place. To do that, clearly it can't be with him.

I've decided to move out of the bedroom. I have a spare room. That will become my space. It has alot of damage that needs to be repaired. He doesn't fix anything. So that will be my job. I can repair drywall. Replace flooring. It will be myspace.  I'm angry that has come to this. I'm angry that he leaves things that are broken. Don't look he says, you would see them. Whatever...........have some pride you jack!!

The more I type the more upset I get. I'm suppose to let this all go. It's in the past, it has already happend. Can't change it. It's doesn't make it go away. It's still there. I go into my room I will see the blanket he burnt. I go into my new room.........the work that I now have to do........is there. How do I not think about it.

One day I will get there. Today is just going to take some a lot of work.

Hi Curlyblu, I just want to share that I also moved into a spare bedroom and fixed it up nicely for me, when the chaos of my late AH's disease got to be too much.  It was very satisfying to do the work.  I put a lovely picture on the wall and got some nice baskets to hold my clothes.  Gradually I moved all my necessities there, and I used that room for two years.  

Honestly, I felt angry and ashamed that I had to make that move, that I couldn't really enjoy the rest of our home, and that others might find out how bad things were and that I couldn't cure the situation all by myself.  

But I can see now that it was the wisest thing I could do for myself at the time.  It gave me physical detachment, and then I could work towards mental/spiritual detachment.

You are not alone ... enjoy and celebrate your new space! 

Thanks ((all)) I got a start on fixing the hole in the wall. It's not the prettiest job ever.....I'm not quiet ready to come a professional drywaller lol! But I did it myself. I've started a plan for that room. It's going to be a work in progress........ha just like me!

It feels good to have something I can focus on. Something that is for me. 

I did take my prized blanket away. I'm going to dress the bed in my room. Although I won't be living in there just yet, I know it will be safe and in my space. I put back on his bed a blanket he bought me when we were dating many years ago. He has wrecked that one too. Although it reminds me of time in our lives that was better. That man gave it to me is gone. It hurts like hell to think that, but it is the fact of life that I am in. 

It's very strange feeling to love someone, but not to like them. It most definately hurts.

Thank-you again everyone for letting me rant. I'm finding just putting my thoughts down into a post helps a great deal sort out some of jumbled mess twisting around in my brain. On line meetings also help alot too.

Have a great day all!

((Curly))I do hear you and understand. Many years ago my hubby burned coaches, chairs etc and I simply ignored it. He would also smoke in bed and one night I woke up with the entire bed on fire nearly engulfing both of us. I could not wake him up, so I, was successful in putting out the fire (so I thought) and went back to sleep only to have the fire flare up again within an hour so . The fire department had to be called who explained that mattress fires are extremely dangerous and that smoking in bed the cause for many deaths.

I am sorry to read about your lovely blanket and am cheering you on to finish that room