Ok, so I clearly have had far too much time to myself in that dangerous section of my mind....
I have been very happy, my AGF has been in her 90 day inpatient program and appears to be doing very well,Her release date is tentatively scheduled for Monday (More about that later) and I am thrilled that she is coming home in what I believe to be a great state of mind.Well, my fears have me doing a bunch of research and listening to others shares.What I keep hearing about is a "Pink Cloud", that euphoria we feel when we think and believe that our loved one is doing great.Am I just wishful thinking, can this be real?I know relapse is inevitable, and I gather that it is the way that our loved ones relapse that will tell the true story.I also know that there is nothing that I can do about it..."I did not cause it, I can not control it, and I can not cure it."But I want so badly for this to be what I think it is and what really scares me is that I can contribute to it.I know that I have put this in the hands of my HP, and that is where it has to be, but ...(My recovery and life is full of buts) This is why I need Al-anon and you.
So, I get to visit her tomorrow, Saturday, and her scheduled release day is Monday.She and her counselor have set the date and it seemed reasonable to me, but in our brief phone call on Wednesday (15 minute phone call on Wednesdays and a 3 hour visit on Saturdays) I got the impression, right or wrong, that maybe some think she should stay longer. She jokingly said a few things that would not be out of character for her, about staying longer, but possibly could have been looking for permission to stay longer.Was it her way of feeling me out for my thoughts, or was it really just a joke?I tried to not react or way or another, I want this to be her and her counselors decision, not based on me or my reactions.Yes, I want her home, but not before she has the best chance of success.
I think I should talk to her about it face to face tomorrow, but I am not sure how to do so without sending a message one way or the other. Is it my place to even bring it up.My recovery says no, but my gut says that she is looking to me for confirmation that I will back her decision.
I have always told her that I am proud of her for taking this step and working so hard on her program.I am doing everything I can to let her know that I back her and her recovery and that I will be here as long as it takes, but is she really looking for more?
Now there is me, am I strong enough in my recovery to be ready for her to come home?Will I be able to keep my path toward true serenity or will I just mess everything up for both of us.I am putting trust in my HP, but I still have fear. I thought I was doing so well, now I sit here alone (reaching out to you) scared and paralyzed. Repeating the Serenity Prayer and hoping something else will come to my rescue before I screw it all up.
Sorry this is so long, but, thanks for letting me share!
Rick
-- Edited by Rickbrins on Friday 17th of March 2017 08:30:23 PM
-- Edited by Rickbrins on Friday 17th of March 2017 08:32:48 PM
-- Edited by Rickbrins on Friday 17th of March 2017 08:36:27 PM
SerenityRUS said
Mar 17, 2017
pink cloud has been in my experience anyone who is in recovery who has initially a false sense of euphoria for lack of a better term .. It's thinking and faulty thinking they get ahead of themselves regarding their recovery and don't see the realities of failure .. I hesitate to use that word .. I don't mean it in a negative connotation. I have experienced it as well as seen it in others .. It's ok .. I guess it's being ok with not being ok .. it just is. I as far as the conversation with your sig other why not just give it over to your hp and let him figure it out. This is where a sponsor is recovery gold because you can bounce things off of them and figure out what is and isn't working. Checking motives is huge .. Hugs Keep coming back.
MissM said
Mar 17, 2017
That's a lot you've got swirling around in your head. Which is so utterly natural. Is it possible you can take time out to do something nice for yourself? You've both got a much better shot at things working well if you are looking after you
shrnp said
Mar 18, 2017
Hi Rick,
I am not sure how many times you have been through the rehab process with your girlfriend. If this is the first time or she has gone to rehab before. We use the three C's when referring to someone's drinking a lot. It applies to sobriety also. You cannot control your girlfriend's sobriety, you have to just let it go if that makes any sense. Whatever is going to happen will happen. I am sorry if I am being frank about it, but you have to have faith that whatever happens you will be alright, and she can take care of herself. It sounds like she is safe and being taken care. Plus, she is really trying to take her sobriety seriously. If she gets out and starts drinking again or you have other kinds of problems, then you can decide what to do at that time. You will make the right decision, don't beat yourself up about something you have no control over right now.
Rickbrins said
Mar 18, 2017
You all as usual have great advice and sadly all things I already know but am having a moment of weakness or should I call it a relapse of my own. I actually went to work this week which means spending a lot of time alone in the one place no one should ever go alone, in my head. I know, that is a scary thing even on a good day.
So yes, I have been over thinking faulty thoughts and had hours away from any type of support system. I do realize that I have no control over her decision to drink or not drink and I have to have faith in her HP to protect her. I need to control what I can, me, and have faith that my HP will protect me.
For the past week or so I have been in a really relaxed and good mental state, but the combination of too much time alone with my thoughts and the fear of the unknown post inpatient program got the best of me. I can easily pull myself together for the 3 hour visit tomorrow, and will do my best to get back on track before her release on Monday. With your help I will find a way to keep me in check and on track.
I know that I have a few very large hurdles to make it over in the next couple of months. They will be large and not easy, but I will try to take them on one at a time as they come up. I will also try to increase my F2F meeting time as well as time here. I will probably fail at over thinking things, but I will surely try to work some slogans to minimize the regression.
Sunday I hope to do something for me and take my 2 sons out to a nice lunch or dinner, depending on their schedules, I look forward to that.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 18, 2017
Rick .. Just be really gentle with yourself .. I know I didn't get here overnight .. It's not going to all 100% change overnight. It's a process and sometimes the process feels like quicksand you have a great start .. Recovery is a journey not a destination it's never done. You are doing so good .. Just keep coming back. I remember going to meetings in the beginning and hearing how the long timers had been there 20 years and thinking wth how dysfunctional can you actually be it's 12 steps .. Lol? A year tops.. Then as I work my program I realize um .. No .. Not so easy to retain what I have learned 40 years of unhealthy behavior .. A lot to unlearn. Just keep coming back even on the pink cloud days and even on the quick sand days.. It keeps getting better.
Iamhere said
Mar 18, 2017
Hey Rick - when my brain/thoughts are swirling, that's when it's so very helpful to write/journal or even talk it out with a sponsor or trusted program friend. You've done the former here - good on you!
Pink Cloud is a 'nebulous term' that is more a treatment center word than recovery word. Basically how it was described to me was thinking you've got it covered, are 'well' and possibly armed against negative issues/influences - relapses is only one small element here. Having said this, there is nothing wrong with having joy in early successes in recovery!
I went to treatment and stayed almost as long as your qualifier. I can remember going through the process and it's a huge deal to be sober one day, then 7, then 30, then xx....and so it goes! In AA and other meetings, it's often asked at the start if anyone is celebrating days/months/years of sobriety. For an alcoholic, abstinence is miraculous as most drank/used every day - some more than others.
Translating that Pink Cloud syndrome to Al-Anon has been explained to me as assuming all will be well now that the substance is gone. We all know this is so not real. Fear, anxiety, reality and much, much more will stay for us way longer than the substance as we change our focus from them to us. We will slip and that's OK - we have tools to redirect. For me, each time my qualifier(s) relapsed, I had to talk about it with my sponsor and each time, it became clear that this is not about me; it wasn't done to me; it wasn't done because of me; it is an illness over which recovery is available/optional/hard.
My best moments in Al-Anon have been when I am letting other lead the discussions and practicing on listening. I am analytical so always have a million questions about everything/everyone - I've worked on this as it's a form of trying to control the person, situation or outcome. I always felt it was part of planning - yes/no.
So - be gentle with you and show up trying to just be of service. Not leading, not following - just an equal trying to help as asked (this was hard to - I volunteered for many things and found out later this was enabling). My favorite response when anyone I love is in crisis is, "I am so sorry for your pain. I will pray for you. How can I be of service?" This can be a slippery slope question if you don't have boundaries in place...also learned real-life in real time.
Between now and then, remind yourself of the calm/peace/serenity we get when we stay in the here/now. Keep turning it all over to HP and trust the process. I can't explain to you why I never relapsed - I truly have no idea. At the same time, I can't explain why my qualifiers did all relapse and stayed active (as of now). I can't sit here and tell you that I wanted it more or I worked harder or anything - the only thing I have done right 100% of the time for almost 30 years is trust God and not pick up that first drink.
Keep coming back - you're doing just fine....and so is she!
Rickbrins said
Mar 19, 2017
Iamhere and Serenity, Thank you for the encouragement. Your words are very helpful. I did go to a F2F meeting today, and I spent a few hours listening to pod casts. I also had a 3 hour visit with my AGF.
As suspected, my level of anxiety was very much higher that it needed to be. I am feeling much better for now. I used my newly found tool (which includes your responses) and a F2F meeting to drag myself back to a more normal life.
Thank you all so much!
Iamhere said
Mar 20, 2017
Good on you Rick for getting to the meeting and using tools to seek serenity.....it does work when we work it!
Ok, so I clearly have had far too much time to myself in that dangerous section of my mind....
I have been very happy, my AGF has been in her 90 day inpatient program and appears to be doing very well, Her release date is tentatively scheduled for Monday (More about that later) and I am thrilled that she is coming home in what I believe to be a great state of mind. Well, my fears have me doing a bunch of research and listening to others shares. What I keep hearing about is a "Pink Cloud", that euphoria we feel when we think and believe that our loved one is doing great. Am I just wishful thinking, can this be real? I know relapse is inevitable, and I gather that it is the way that our loved ones relapse that will tell the true story. I also know that there is nothing that I can do about it..."I did not cause it, I can not control it, and I can not cure it." But I want so badly for this to be what I think it is and what really scares me is that I can contribute to it. I know that I have put this in the hands of my HP, and that is where it has to be, but ...(My recovery and life is full of buts) This is why I need Al-anon and you.
So, I get to visit her tomorrow, Saturday, and her scheduled release day is Monday. She and her counselor have set the date and it seemed reasonable to me, but in our brief phone call on Wednesday (15 minute phone call on Wednesdays and a 3 hour visit on Saturdays) I got the impression, right or wrong, that maybe some think she should stay longer. She jokingly said a few things that would not be out of character for her, about staying longer, but possibly could have been looking for permission to stay longer. Was it her way of feeling me out for my thoughts, or was it really just a joke? I tried to not react or way or another, I want this to be her and her counselors decision, not based on me or my reactions. Yes, I want her home, but not before she has the best chance of success.
I think I should talk to her about it face to face tomorrow, but I am not sure how to do so without sending a message one way or the other. Is it my place to even bring it up. My recovery says no, but my gut says that she is looking to me for confirmation that I will back her decision.
I have always told her that I am proud of her for taking this step and working so hard on her program. I am doing everything I can to let her know that I back her and her recovery and that I will be here as long as it takes, but is she really looking for more?
Now there is me, am I strong enough in my recovery to be ready for her to come home? Will I be able to keep my path toward true serenity or will I just mess everything up for both of us. I am putting trust in my HP, but I still have fear. I thought I was doing so well, now I sit here alone (reaching out to you) scared and paralyzed. Repeating the Serenity Prayer and hoping something else will come to my rescue before I screw it all up.
Sorry this is so long, but, thanks for letting me share!
Rick
-- Edited by Rickbrins on Friday 17th of March 2017 08:30:23 PM
-- Edited by Rickbrins on Friday 17th of March 2017 08:32:48 PM
-- Edited by Rickbrins on Friday 17th of March 2017 08:36:27 PM
I am not sure how many times you have been through the rehab process with your girlfriend. If this is the first time or she has gone to rehab before. We use the three C's when referring to someone's drinking a lot. It applies to sobriety also. You cannot control your girlfriend's sobriety, you have to just let it go if that makes any sense. Whatever is going to happen will happen. I am sorry if I am being frank about it, but you have to have faith that whatever happens you will be alright, and she can take care of herself. It sounds like she is safe and being taken care. Plus, she is really trying to take her sobriety seriously. If she gets out and starts drinking again or you have other kinds of problems, then you can decide what to do at that time. You will make the right decision, don't beat yourself up about something you have no control over right now.
So yes, I have been over thinking faulty thoughts and had hours away from any type of support system. I do realize that I have no control over her decision to drink or not drink and I have to have faith in her HP to protect her. I need to control what I can, me, and have faith that my HP will protect me.
For the past week or so I have been in a really relaxed and good mental state, but the combination of too much time alone with my thoughts and the fear of the unknown post inpatient program got the best of me. I can easily pull myself together for the 3 hour visit tomorrow, and will do my best to get back on track before her release on Monday. With your help I will find a way to keep me in check and on track.
I know that I have a few very large hurdles to make it over in the next couple of months. They will be large and not easy, but I will try to take them on one at a time as they come up. I will also try to increase my F2F meeting time as well as time here. I will probably fail at over thinking things, but I will surely try to work some slogans to minimize the regression.
Sunday I hope to do something for me and take my 2 sons out to a nice lunch or dinner, depending on their schedules, I look forward to that.
Pink Cloud is a 'nebulous term' that is more a treatment center word than recovery word. Basically how it was described to me was thinking you've got it covered, are 'well' and possibly armed against negative issues/influences - relapses is only one small element here. Having said this, there is nothing wrong with having joy in early successes in recovery!
I went to treatment and stayed almost as long as your qualifier. I can remember going through the process and it's a huge deal to be sober one day, then 7, then 30, then xx....and so it goes! In AA and other meetings, it's often asked at the start if anyone is celebrating days/months/years of sobriety. For an alcoholic, abstinence is miraculous as most drank/used every day - some more than others.
Translating that Pink Cloud syndrome to Al-Anon has been explained to me as assuming all will be well now that the substance is gone. We all know this is so not real. Fear, anxiety, reality and much, much more will stay for us way longer than the substance as we change our focus from them to us. We will slip and that's OK - we have tools to redirect. For me, each time my qualifier(s) relapsed, I had to talk about it with my sponsor and each time, it became clear that this is not about me; it wasn't done to me; it wasn't done because of me; it is an illness over which recovery is available/optional/hard.
My best moments in Al-Anon have been when I am letting other lead the discussions and practicing on listening. I am analytical so always have a million questions about everything/everyone - I've worked on this as it's a form of trying to control the person, situation or outcome. I always felt it was part of planning - yes/no.
So - be gentle with you and show up trying to just be of service. Not leading, not following - just an equal trying to help as asked (this was hard to - I volunteered for many things and found out later this was enabling). My favorite response when anyone I love is in crisis is, "I am so sorry for your pain. I will pray for you. How can I be of service?" This can be a slippery slope question if you don't have boundaries in place...also learned real-life in real time.
Between now and then, remind yourself of the calm/peace/serenity we get when we stay in the here/now. Keep turning it all over to HP and trust the process. I can't explain to you why I never relapsed - I truly have no idea. At the same time, I can't explain why my qualifiers did all relapse and stayed active (as of now). I can't sit here and tell you that I wanted it more or I worked harder or anything - the only thing I have done right 100% of the time for almost 30 years is trust God and not pick up that first drink.
Keep coming back - you're doing just fine....and so is she!