So I'm back with My Him. I expect this information to be met with deathly silence. Also this post is mostly about him. Sorry.
My mother came to see me the other day and I told her. She was surprisingly not discouraging. She said, well, he obviously loves you Melissa, but he's uncontrollable. But you love each other. But it's such a mess. F***k, Melissa, are you sure?
Yeah, I'm sure. I'm really sure. I want this.
It's been 2 and a half years of him working hard and trying to show me what he is willing to do. I never expected any of it. I thought I really believed, once I took away the meal ticket, that boy would be out of here like a shot. I spent 10 years with him and I was always certain that as soon as I stopped providing, he would go. But he didn't. I'm still a bit shocked by the devotion. The part of me that can't love herself just flat out doesn't get it. Because why? I'm fat, weird and stupid. Apparently he sees something else. I want to know what he sees. I think that's a good thing. It intrigues me. What does he see? It's not a provider...what is it?
I've been telling him to eff off for 2 and a half years now and he just waits. He comes over and mows the lawn sometimes and he buggers off when I tell him to. And he's saved all this money- thousands- he keeps saying its for us. Whatever i want- buy a house, travel, he says he doesn't care, it's just for us, when I decide to be with him again. When, lol.
That's a weird concept. He works as a temp now- big money but no benefits and there is work every day but he isn't bound the the job so if he goes on a bender and doesn't answer the phone for 3 days, he still has work. Lol and he got certified to drive a digger-loader. I know it's called something else but when my brothers were small they always called it a "digger loader" and now I just laugh myself silly every time he drives one. Did you drive a digger-loader today babe? Yes hunny. I drove a digger loader. It was hilarious.
Anyway he talked about buying a house the other night and he said he'd need a more stable job to get a home loan. When I talked to him today he had been to an interview for a construction job. He's moving fast. And well. I know I'm just talking about him thus far. Sorry. I'm going to go somewhere with this, I promise. Actually I'm probably not.
He's still a drunk and that's OK because I never asked him not to be. What I asked him was to treat me with respect, be the kind of guy that wouldn't hurt me, listen to me, and so forth. He is now a walking encyclopedia on everything Mel thinks and likes. Jesus, he's committed to the task. He anticipates everything I like. And I'm hard to please; I'm allergic to everything. Suddenly he's the vegan, gluten free version of Gorden Ramsey. Also, zero signs of aggression and agreement to me having plans in place "if". Because let's face it, the if is going to happen. It's out there, at the bottom of a bottle of Captain Jack, just waiting. One of these nights, he's going to get good and drunk and scary. And I know I am honeymooning in the goldilocks zone right now but wow it's nice. I've never had this. Ever. It's so good. But I have to have a contingency plan. Always. Forever, no matter what happens and no matter how good it seems.
Anyway none of this is really relevant because it's about him and what I think he is thinking and doing, ie stuff I am utterly powerless over. It's just nice. I've never had nice and I'm enjoying it.
What is relevant is me. When I am around him, I am jealous, childish, bitchy and possessive. I don't even recognise myself. I'm all clingy and unsure and seeking approval. All of the worst parts of me. All the parts I hate. I wonder if I can work my way through it using my program? I'd like to think I can. I think of the advice I have given to other people....be the best version of yourself that you can be and if that turns out to be attractive, then bonus. It doesn't scare me, but there is so much work to do. Maybe it's time to face those ugly parts of me. And a weird part of me likes them and thinks they are what make me likeable even though all evidence is to the contrary.
Also, he's got a court date in a few weeks and the likely outcome is jail time. Probably not much, but it's pretty likely that he will go away for 3-6 months. Maybe a year. And that scares me. He's a big guy and kind of a s**t-magnet. If someone wants to get aggressive they'll pick a fight with him every time. We can be standing in line to order burgers or sitting on the beach minding our own business and if someone wants a fight, they'll start with him. And he never backs down and the whole situation scares me. And the calm way he's saying "well I f'ed up and I have to face it, and then I have to live better" is so foreign.
He's actually doing much better than me. I'm stuck in childish nonsense. Maybe I'm going to be forced to face it. I don't know.
What I do know is that I'm happy and I haven't been able to say that for a very long time.
Anyway thanks for letting me share. Sorry I was so himhimhim and low on program. I just haven't felt good for such a long time.
(((everyone)))
el-cee said
Mar 17, 2017
Good luck to you Mel, I hope it works out well and if it doesnt you have enough recovery to know what to do. Good to hear your happy.x
MissM said
Mar 17, 2017
Thanks babe.
Enigmatic said
Mar 17, 2017
Hi MissM...
A concept that I discovered in AlAnon, unknown in my life experience previously, is unconditional love and support. Another new idea was that I don't always know what is best for myself, so I can't possibly know what choice is best for another...all I can do is offer ESH, love, and support.
From your share, I heard: "I'm really sure. I want this...I've never had this. Ever. It's so good...I want to know what he sees...What I do know is that I'm happy and I haven't been able to say that for a very long time..." You know the facts better than anyone and make decisions with the help of your higher power.
Whatever decision you reach, therefore, my thoughts and prayers are with you on your journey...as always, AlAnon and the fellowship are here to share the journey, you are not alone, and I'm glad you keep coming back
Rickbrins said
Mar 17, 2017
MissM, only you know what you truly want. I'm glad that you are putting thought into this and I am very happy that you have Al-anon to lean on you no matter how things go.
Please keep us updated!
hotrod said
Mar 17, 2017
MissM wrote:
. Because why? I'm fat, weird and stupid. Apparently he sees something else. I want to know what he sees. I think that's a good thing. It intrigues me. What does he see? It's not a provider...what is it?
Hi Ms. M. I see an attractive, intelligent, hard working, creative, compassionate woman who is also a dedicated mom who has dreams and the wisdom to implement them .
What is relevant is me. When I am around him, I am jealous, childish, bitchy and possessive. I don't even recognize myself. I'm all clingy and unsure and seeking approval. All of the worst parts of me. All the parts I hate. I wonder if I can work my way through it using my program? I'd like to think I can. I think of the advice I have given to other people....be the best version of yourself that you can be and if that turns out to be attractive, then bonus.
Dear Ms. M. No one else sees this and I suggest that you take the time to do a 4th through 10th step on this issue so you can have a more realistic picture of yourself and then maybe put yourself at the top of your amend list in Step 8 and 9 so that you can truly see who you are and what everyone else sees and appreciates .
I know hat I had a few defects that I cherished and refused to let them go. HP in his wisdom showed me these "prized" defects in action and I finally saw how they were hurting me and became willing to let them go. Hopefully that will happen for you as well. These defects were replaced with constructive positive responses that have enriched my life.
I am happy that you are happy and please remember that you have worked hard and have more powerful tools than you had at the beginning of this relationship. They will come in handy in the days to follow. Remember Al-Anon says we can be happy with the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
Good to hear from you.
lookingup said
Mar 17, 2017
Wow,
I'm very Happy for you msM,
Happy also that you are shareing this with us,
You are very program intelligent,
Have FUN,and Enjoy every minute of it,
Hugs,,,Lu
a4l said
Mar 18, 2017
I see a kick-#:$ literary talent, who is patient, gentle, wise and pretty.
He better see that too and take bloody good care of her this time around. Lord knows you both,but especially you, deserve a bit of happiness after all this time. Xxo
Jill said
Mar 18, 2017
MissM, did someone tell you the dumb and fat thing? They wanted to make you feel bad. You are neither. I don't believe incoming insults! "Never say "never" ", but they're never true.
I like Betty's suggestion about the steps.
tiredtonite said
Mar 19, 2017
I've gotta tell you... I felt such sadness when I read your post. I know you say you're happy but the self criticism just made me let out a big sigh and my eyes filled with tears.
Maybe you'll consider the suggestion of working the action steps to really know yourself and love yourself as your hp does. You're worth it.
It's a major decision to let someone who is actively drinking back into your life 24/7. Wishing you the best.
In support, TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 19th of March 2017 03:15:13 PM
MissM said
Mar 20, 2017
Thanks folks.
2 thinks are fairly apparent from your responses and from reading back over my own words.
1) I have plenty of tools at my disposal and this is probably a pretty good time to use them! and
2) I am being pretty unpleasant to myself. Why?
It's kind of enlightening and disheartening at the same time. I've been alone a lot for the past couple of years...isolated really. Not always by choice; circumstances have been difficult but the bottom line has been, I have been alone pretty consistently save for a teenage person who isn't all that glowing in her appraisals of me. And I sort of had myself convinced that I had lost those self deprecating habits but apparently they are still there. Apparently as soon as I find myself in any kind of close relationship with another adult, out they come. Great :-/
Even here, when I post, I generally find myself hating my own words and I avoid replying to comments not because I don't want to, but because I feel so sure that my thoughts and words are so monumentally stupid that they need to go away where they can't annoy anyone any-more...lol. So I avoid further comment to avoid bumping my own 'stupid' post back to the top where it might be seen again. Anyway i was revisiting this today and thinking about how to begin doing as suggested and working some steps and I thought, well, this is probably a good pace to start. Isn't being able to share without wanting to crawl under a rock and hide sort of the entire framework of how this thing works in the first place?
I see it in every aspect of my life lately. I am doing on-campus classes and I have myself convinced that everyone else in every class hates me; I find it almost impossible to say anything in class because I'm sure I sound stupid beyond imagination. I keep wanting to apply for jobs and looking around the place and the staff and convincing myself that they won't like me and then it will just be awkward so i should spare everyone the awkwardness. I avoid driving- still- because 'I'll probably do something stupid".
So in a lot of ways I moved forward over the past couple of years but in others I think I have actually gone backwards.
Time to begin anew I think. I'm sure these steps didn't get any more complicated or less effective than last time
And I'm sure it will be a gift, because it always is.
Thanks for listening.
(((everyone)))
hotrod said
Mar 20, 2017
((Ms.M.)) time to start those asset and gratitude lists. They work . I will start you off: Creative, intelligent, personable, compassionate, supportive, with tons of new tools to handle life on life's terms-- Now you go from there
el-cee said
Mar 20, 2017
I'll join in hotrod. Kind friendly understanding compassionate. Come on girl we want to see you seeing what we all see. Working the steps is a brilliant idea I'm doing the samex
MissM said
Mar 20, 2017
Thanks ladies your support is amazing and you are right, getting back to the basics of gratitude and assets is where I ought start fresh. I will do just that
sunmustshine said
Mar 21, 2017
MissM you need to know how your strength and confidence has helped me through difficult times in the past. You are a smart, lovely and beautiful woman. The fun stories about your daughter have saved me from feeling an utter failure for the mess I'd found me and mine in with her dad. You made a lot of things okay for me by sharing and being here. Oh, and about not speaking up in class...speak up! You have wonderful things to say and thoughts to share. You always have. No one has anything on you where intellect, thoughtfulness, kindness and compassion are concerned...always remember that. Wishing you continued joy.
likemyheart said
Mar 21, 2017
I know exactly how it feels to look around and THINK that everyone is so much more together, talented, unique, special, able, etc ad nauseum. It helps to remember that my HP made me exactly the way I am for a reason. I like the story of the talents, where the master gave his servants a differing number of talents and we are supposed to do whatever we can with those talents and not worry about what anyone else is doing with theirs! That's my take on the story anyway, and it helps me a lot when I am feeling unworthy of life - because I CAN do some things that others cannot and it isn't a competition, except for with ourselves. When I chopped my finger off, I supposed that people of some temperaments would never play the piano again, wallowing in the self-pity that seems to be of human nature. I didn't, I used playing as one of my therapies and I still struggle to adapt and overcome, re-adjusting my fingering so that the music can still flow. I am not a great piano player, I never will be but I CAN play and entertain myself - and, I even ventured out into the world of playing so that others (besides my long-suffering daughter) could hear me - a huge step for me. And, I am a better piano player now than I was before I cut my finger off because I used it so much for therapy.
I wish you well with your HIM; I so understand how hard it is to be alone except for the surly teenager!
So I'm back with My Him. I expect this information to be met with deathly silence. Also this post is mostly about him. Sorry.
My mother came to see me the other day and I told her. She was surprisingly not discouraging. She said, well, he obviously loves you Melissa, but he's uncontrollable. But you love each other. But it's such a mess. F***k, Melissa, are you sure?
Yeah, I'm sure. I'm really sure. I want this.
It's been 2 and a half years of him working hard and trying to show me what he is willing to do. I never expected any of it. I thought I really believed, once I took away the meal ticket, that boy would be out of here like a shot. I spent 10 years with him and I was always certain that as soon as I stopped providing, he would go. But he didn't. I'm still a bit shocked by the devotion. The part of me that can't love herself just flat out doesn't get it. Because why? I'm fat, weird and stupid. Apparently he sees something else. I want to know what he sees. I think that's a good thing. It intrigues me. What does he see? It's not a provider...what is it?
I've been telling him to eff off for 2 and a half years now and he just waits. He comes over and mows the lawn sometimes and he buggers off when I tell him to. And he's saved all this money- thousands- he keeps saying its for us. Whatever i want- buy a house, travel, he says he doesn't care, it's just for us, when I decide to be with him again. When, lol.
That's a weird concept. He works as a temp now- big money but no benefits and there is work every day but he isn't bound the the job so if he goes on a bender and doesn't answer the phone for 3 days, he still has work. Lol and he got certified to drive a digger-loader. I know it's called something else but when my brothers were small they always called it a "digger loader" and now I just laugh myself silly every time he drives one. Did you drive a digger-loader today babe? Yes hunny. I drove a digger loader. It was hilarious.
Anyway he talked about buying a house the other night and he said he'd need a more stable job to get a home loan. When I talked to him today he had been to an interview for a construction job. He's moving fast. And well. I know I'm just talking about him thus far. Sorry. I'm going to go somewhere with this, I promise. Actually I'm probably not.
He's still a drunk and that's OK because I never asked him not to be. What I asked him was to treat me with respect, be the kind of guy that wouldn't hurt me, listen to me, and so forth. He is now a walking encyclopedia on everything Mel thinks and likes. Jesus, he's committed to the task. He anticipates everything I like. And I'm hard to please; I'm allergic to everything. Suddenly he's the vegan, gluten free version of Gorden Ramsey. Also, zero signs of aggression and agreement to me having plans in place "if". Because let's face it, the if is going to happen. It's out there, at the bottom of a bottle of Captain Jack, just waiting. One of these nights, he's going to get good and drunk and scary. And I know I am honeymooning in the goldilocks zone right now but wow it's nice. I've never had this. Ever. It's so good. But I have to have a contingency plan. Always. Forever, no matter what happens and no matter how good it seems.
Anyway none of this is really relevant because it's about him and what I think he is thinking and doing, ie stuff I am utterly powerless over. It's just nice. I've never had nice and I'm enjoying it.
What is relevant is me. When I am around him, I am jealous, childish, bitchy and possessive. I don't even recognise myself. I'm all clingy and unsure and seeking approval. All of the worst parts of me. All the parts I hate. I wonder if I can work my way through it using my program? I'd like to think I can. I think of the advice I have given to other people....be the best version of yourself that you can be and if that turns out to be attractive, then bonus. It doesn't scare me, but there is so much work to do. Maybe it's time to face those ugly parts of me. And a weird part of me likes them and thinks they are what make me likeable even though all evidence is to the contrary.
Also, he's got a court date in a few weeks and the likely outcome is jail time. Probably not much, but it's pretty likely that he will go away for 3-6 months. Maybe a year. And that scares me. He's a big guy and kind of a s**t-magnet. If someone wants to get aggressive they'll pick a fight with him every time. We can be standing in line to order burgers or sitting on the beach minding our own business and if someone wants a fight, they'll start with him. And he never backs down and the whole situation scares me. And the calm way he's saying "well I f'ed up and I have to face it, and then I have to live better" is so foreign.
He's actually doing much better than me. I'm stuck in childish nonsense. Maybe I'm going to be forced to face it. I don't know.
What I do know is that I'm happy and I haven't been able to say that for a very long time.
Anyway thanks for letting me share. Sorry I was so himhimhim and low on program. I just haven't felt good for such a long time.
(((everyone)))
Good luck to you Mel, I hope it works out well and if it doesnt you have enough recovery to know what to do. Good to hear your happy.x
Hi MissM...
A concept that I discovered in AlAnon, unknown in my life experience previously, is unconditional love and support. Another new idea was that I don't always know what is best for myself, so I can't possibly know what choice is best for another...all I can do is offer ESH, love, and support.
From your share, I heard: "I'm really sure. I want this...I've never had this. Ever. It's so good...I want to know what he sees...What I do know is that I'm happy and I haven't been able to say that for a very long time..." You know the facts better than anyone and make decisions with the help of your higher power.
Whatever decision you reach, therefore, my thoughts and prayers are with you on your journey...as always, AlAnon and the fellowship are here to share the journey, you are not alone, and I'm glad you keep coming back
I'm very Happy for you msM,
Happy also that you are shareing this with us,
You are very program intelligent,
Have FUN,and Enjoy every minute of it,
Hugs,,,Lu
I like Betty's suggestion about the steps.
I've gotta tell you... I felt such sadness when I read your post. I know you say you're happy but the self criticism just made me let out a big sigh and my eyes filled with tears.
Maybe you'll consider the suggestion of working the action steps to really know yourself and love yourself as your hp does. You're worth it.
It's a major decision to let someone who is actively drinking back into your life 24/7. Wishing you the best.
In support, TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 19th of March 2017 03:15:13 PM
2 thinks are fairly apparent from your responses and from reading back over my own words.
1) I have plenty of tools at my disposal and this is probably a pretty good time to use them! and
2) I am being pretty unpleasant to myself. Why?
It's kind of enlightening and disheartening at the same time. I've been alone a lot for the past couple of years...isolated really. Not always by choice; circumstances have been difficult but the bottom line has been, I have been alone pretty consistently save for a teenage person who isn't all that glowing in her appraisals of me. And I sort of had myself convinced that I had lost those self deprecating habits but apparently they are still there. Apparently as soon as I find myself in any kind of close relationship with another adult, out they come. Great :-/
Even here, when I post, I generally find myself hating my own words and I avoid replying to comments not because I don't want to, but because I feel so sure that my thoughts and words are so monumentally stupid that they need to go away where they can't annoy anyone any-more...lol. So I avoid further comment to avoid bumping my own 'stupid' post back to the top where it might be seen again. Anyway i was revisiting this today and thinking about how to begin doing as suggested and working some steps and I thought, well, this is probably a good pace to start. Isn't being able to share without wanting to crawl under a rock and hide sort of the entire framework of how this thing works in the first place?
I see it in every aspect of my life lately. I am doing on-campus classes and I have myself convinced that everyone else in every class hates me; I find it almost impossible to say anything in class because I'm sure I sound stupid beyond imagination. I keep wanting to apply for jobs and looking around the place and the staff and convincing myself that they won't like me and then it will just be awkward so i should spare everyone the awkwardness. I avoid driving- still- because 'I'll probably do something stupid".
So in a lot of ways I moved forward over the past couple of years but in others I think I have actually gone backwards.
Time to begin anew I think. I'm sure these steps didn't get any more complicated or less effective than last time
And I'm sure it will be a gift, because it always is.
Thanks for listening.
(((everyone)))
((Ms.M.)) time to start those asset and gratitude lists. They work . I will start you off:
Creative, intelligent, personable, compassionate, supportive, with tons of new tools to handle life on life's terms-- Now you go from there
I wish you well with your HIM; I so understand how hard it is to be alone except for the surly teenager!