I am reeling right now. So instead of engaging and allowing my anger to bubble up and cause me to retaliate I am here, venting to you all. My AH has had the flu since the weekend. I posted earlier in the week, unsure if he was truly sick or not. I am still not sure. Might have had the flu, might actually be in withdrawal. Because he isn't living here at the moment I can't be sure of course. I have been fine all week. He has been subdued, sick, we've talked faced timed etc. But now the dry drunk is rearing his angry head towards me and I hate it. I am trying to pause, I am trying to not engage, but it's so hard. He wants to "parent" the boys over the phone thru me and if I don't do what he is commanding he gets pissed off, hangs up, says I am ignoring him, says "my words don't matter anyways". He always does this with the children. He's never here and wants to parent THRU me. I hate it. Don't bark orders over the phone and expect me to jump. He has no idea of the situation and just thinks he can call and "help". It's not helpful, it makes it worse. I could tell before any of this happened that he was in a foul mood. 3 days dry. The oldest child wants to text him, he responds with all these I miss you, I love you, etc. And I am MAD. I text him- nothing. The only time he texts me is when he needs something, wants to complain about something, or wants to yell at me. THATS IT. I am jealous that he SHOWS love to our children but never me. Unless he's drunk. and even then its HATE and LOVE right? Not really love. I haven't cried in weeks and now with one face-time, one time of him trying to parent a 3 year old tantrum thru me, 3 mean texts and I am broken again. It's so frustrating. Try again tomorrow I guess.
shrnp said
Mar 15, 2017
I am sorry you are going through this. It took me a longtime to not get drawn into my A's drama, especially when it was directed at me. I wish, I had sought out Alanon sooner. It is great you reached out, it can be so lonely going through that by yourself. We did not have children together but the arguing did effect my relationship with my son because I would get so depressed after one of my A's episodes. Now, my family life is so much better. I am hoping and praying things get better for you too.
Curlyblu said
Mar 15, 2017
(((Pumkin))) I can so relate to you. I'm so glad you (all of us) have this group to vent/share. This is dfinately rough road when starting our healing. I'm thankful for the many who are seasoned in this. I might not always agree in the moment.....still wanting at times the quick fix.....make him better now.....still at times having trouble with letting it go to my HP to take care of. I have to keep telling myself through the tears I will get better. Today is a particularly bad day on my end as well....I've caught myself saying "bless me, change him"....but that isn't in my HP's plan at the moment...if ever. One day at time, is the only way I can go right now. Every day is completely different for me emtionally too. (((Pumkin)))thinking positive thoughts for you.
-- Edited by Curlyblu on Wednesday 15th of March 2017 07:44:15 PM
Enigmatic said
Mar 15, 2017
Hang in there, pumpkin, you're in our thoughts and prayers...The Serenity Prayer is a go-to for me whenever I am pressed, hope you are able to find some comfort there, too...
pumkin26 said
Mar 15, 2017
thank you and (((hugs))) to both shrnp and curly... I think I am really emotional and I am not sure why. We talk about focusing on ourselves, focusing on my recovery--- but I think my biggest anchor in his disease is this need to be loved. I have my own bag of s** (right, don't we all) that I need to deal with and probably the main reason I fell into this codependent trap. I have abandonment issues. I am working on them with a counselor but it is 37 years in the making... I too won't change over night. So I am trying to work thru my issues, and then also try and escape this insanity. It seems easier to be the victim right? Be the martyr? Change is hard. it's scary, it's unknown. So it is so easy to fall back into my "normal" which is so crazy!
Curly- I recognize the same issues as your most recent post. My counselor says that when I told my A that I thought about counseling and going to meetings and he responded with- you don't need that, it's a waste of your time-- it was because the disease doesn't want us to change... right? That is bad news for them. I also felt damned if I do damned if I don't. In every situation, all day, every day. Everything is my fault. Nothing I do is right. I am not allowed to have a bad day and be emotional. I will be the first to admit when I am sick I am super moody and short tempered. But he gets mad at me, there's not sympathy if I am sick, no empathy. While he lays in bed recovering from his night and I am sick (staying home from work sick) but still up getting the kids ready he has the nerve to say "are you cooking breakfast or what?" it's always a backhanded request statement. Sure let me SERVE YOU while I am sick. I have story for days just like that one, we all do, right? That's why its called insanity.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 15th of March 2017 08:22:29 PM
pumkin26 said
Mar 15, 2017
thank you Enigmatic.... I have the serenity prayer as the background on my phone, a constant reminder for moments like these. I;m just so new to Alanon and with an active A, I know I have a lot of work to do. I focus on a day at a time or as in this evening minute by minute...
-- Edited by pumkin26 on Wednesday 15th of March 2017 07:51:33 PM
_bunny_ said
Mar 15, 2017
Hugs and positive thoughts to you ((pumpkin26)). I love your decision/choice to detach with love and come to your Al-Anon family for support. For me crying is key when the crazy gets even crazier. I don't hold back, I allow the tears to flow and all that negative energy to flow out with them. One day at a time and maybe tomorrow will be a good one.
Rickbrins said
Mar 15, 2017
Pumpkin,
If you are damned if you do and damned if you don't, then it seems as if you have a great excuse to do what is right for you. At least that way one of you will be happy.
I do understand how you feel, I went through a lot of that same abuse (It is a form of abuse). It wasn't until I started to focus on me and did a better job of not engaging in the negative behavior, that it got any better. It did get worse first, as she saw that her usual tricks weren't working, I wasn't falling into the trap of arguing and giving the addiction the excuse it needed, she tried getting meaner. As I learned to detach from that as well, she felt as if I was slipping away, eventually she got scared and decided that she needed a 90 day in-patient program.
She is there for 4 more days, then we will see. She seems to be in a great place mentally I hope that carries over when she is out in the real world.
But, I will say it again, it did get worse as I learned to not get sucked it. Once the realization sunk in that I was not playing that game, she eventually got better.
Good Luck, we are here for you.
Iamhere said
Mar 15, 2017
pumkin - I too am sending you thought and prayers - it's never easy to love an alcoholic. My best tool when I was early on was to focus on what is good and within my scope instead of what's not working well and or out of my control.
a4l said
Mar 16, 2017
Ugh pumpkin i remember this too. Parenting young children while having an alcoholic is awful. Awful. The kids are so needy, the workload never ends and is repetitive and what you want and need is emotional support not emotional abuse. Making friends helped me. It took ages. We went out every day my 3 kids and i in a series of beat up and fully loaded prams and then one day, suddenly it seemed, we knew our community,had people to say hello to, others to stop and chat with and a couple girlfriends to have coffee with. Daughter has preschool friends she bumps into. It helps to take the focus off them. Revives the spirit,gives energy, energy which so easily gets taken when addiction is hovering about. Not easy at all. Thinking of you.
I am reeling right now. So instead of engaging and allowing my anger to bubble up and cause me to retaliate I am here, venting to you all. My AH has had the flu since the weekend. I posted earlier in the week, unsure if he was truly sick or not. I am still not sure. Might have had the flu, might actually be in withdrawal. Because he isn't living here at the moment I can't be sure of course. I have been fine all week. He has been subdued, sick, we've talked faced timed etc. But now the dry drunk is rearing his angry head towards me and I hate it. I am trying to pause, I am trying to not engage, but it's so hard. He wants to "parent" the boys over the phone thru me and if I don't do what he is commanding he gets pissed off, hangs up, says I am ignoring him, says "my words don't matter anyways". He always does this with the children. He's never here and wants to parent THRU me. I hate it. Don't bark orders over the phone and expect me to jump. He has no idea of the situation and just thinks he can call and "help". It's not helpful, it makes it worse. I could tell before any of this happened that he was in a foul mood. 3 days dry. The oldest child wants to text him, he responds with all these I miss you, I love you, etc. And I am MAD. I text him- nothing. The only time he texts me is when he needs something, wants to complain about something, or wants to yell at me. THATS IT. I am jealous that he SHOWS love to our children but never me. Unless he's drunk. and even then its HATE and LOVE right? Not really love. I haven't cried in weeks and now with one face-time, one time of him trying to parent a 3 year old tantrum thru me, 3 mean texts and I am broken again. It's so frustrating. Try again tomorrow I guess.
(((Pumkin))) I can so relate to you. I'm so glad you (all of us) have this group to vent/share. This is dfinately rough road when starting our healing. I'm thankful for the many who are seasoned in this. I might not always agree in the moment.....still wanting at times the quick fix.....make him better now.....still at times having trouble with letting it go to my HP to take care of. I have to keep telling myself through the tears I will get better. Today is a particularly bad day on my end as well....I've caught myself saying "bless me, change him"....but that isn't in my HP's plan at the moment...if ever. One day at time, is the only way I can go right now. Every day is completely different for me emtionally too. (((Pumkin)))thinking positive thoughts for you.
-- Edited by Curlyblu on Wednesday 15th of March 2017 07:44:15 PM
thank you and (((hugs))) to both shrnp and curly... I think I am really emotional and I am not sure why. We talk about focusing on ourselves, focusing on my recovery--- but I think my biggest anchor in his disease is this need to be loved. I have my own bag of s** (right, don't we all) that I need to deal with and probably the main reason I fell into this codependent trap. I have abandonment issues. I am working on them with a counselor but it is 37 years in the making... I too won't change over night. So I am trying to work thru my issues, and then also try and escape this insanity. It seems easier to be the victim right? Be the martyr? Change is hard. it's scary, it's unknown. So it is so easy to fall back into my "normal" which is so crazy!
Curly- I recognize the same issues as your most recent post. My counselor says that when I told my A that I thought about counseling and going to meetings and he responded with- you don't need that, it's a waste of your time-- it was because the disease doesn't want us to change... right? That is bad news for them. I also felt damned if I do damned if I don't. In every situation, all day, every day. Everything is my fault. Nothing I do is right. I am not allowed to have a bad day and be emotional. I will be the first to admit when I am sick I am super moody and short tempered. But he gets mad at me, there's not sympathy if I am sick, no empathy. While he lays in bed recovering from his night and I am sick (staying home from work sick) but still up getting the kids ready he has the nerve to say "are you cooking breakfast or what?" it's always a backhanded request statement. Sure let me SERVE YOU while I am sick. I have story for days just like that one, we all do, right? That's why its called insanity.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 15th of March 2017 08:22:29 PM
thank you Enigmatic.... I have the serenity prayer as the background on my phone, a constant reminder for moments like these. I;m just so new to Alanon and with an active A, I know I have a lot of work to do. I focus on a day at a time or as in this evening minute by minute...
-- Edited by pumkin26 on Wednesday 15th of March 2017 07:51:33 PM
If you are damned if you do and damned if you don't, then it seems as if you have a great excuse to do what is right for you. At least that way one of you will be happy.
I do understand how you feel, I went through a lot of that same abuse (It is a form of abuse). It wasn't until I started to focus on me and did a better job of not engaging in the negative behavior, that it got any better. It did get worse first, as she saw that her usual tricks weren't working, I wasn't falling into the trap of arguing and giving the addiction the excuse it needed, she tried getting meaner. As I learned to detach from that as well, she felt as if I was slipping away, eventually she got scared and decided that she needed a 90 day in-patient program.
She is there for 4 more days, then we will see. She seems to be in a great place mentally I hope that carries over when she is out in the real world.
But, I will say it again, it did get worse as I learned to not get sucked it. Once the realization sunk in that I was not playing that game, she eventually got better.
Good Luck, we are here for you.