My husband is in recovery - almost 8 months sober, but his situation was more complex. He was a hardcore binge drinker from age 15 - 24. He quit drinking cold turkey. He decided he'd like to drink again socially after almost 20 years, and started back up December of 2014, and he did great. He never drank more than one or two, and only maybe once or twice a month, but he was diagnosed with addictive personality disorder after a nervous breakdown, and since alcohol was his first addiction, he was told to give up drinking again, and then to go to AA to find the root of his issues. He's had his ups and downs, but has done well for the most part.
He has a sponsor, attends meetings several times a week, and has started Step 4 (although he's been hesitant to do his inventory, and gets testy when I mention it - this is a bad habit of his when it comes to anything that will make him uncomfortable - he procrastinates). But back right before attending AA, when he started therapy (he's been through therapy many times before), he let go of some very deeply buried things. Most of them involved his highly abusive childhood, and while they upset me, I'm somewhat used to the stories of beatings and violence, but he told me something that threw me for a loop. It didn't involve his mother, or brother, or any family. It involved a friend. The one who introduced him to hardcore drinking, and because they lived far apart, that started his binging - the fact that they only saw each other every other month or so. The one who taught him how to get in to locked liquor cabinets. How to mix drinks to avoid the smell of alcohol. How and what to fill bottles with to avoid detection. Before meeting this friend, my husband would steal beer every now and then, but this kicked it up to a new level. This friend lived in a good home with good parents. No abuse, but this person had some hidden issues, and drinking helped them to deal, and this was attractive to my husband -something to numb the pain and escape the anxiety.
When he graduated high school, my husband left home and never went back, even after his mother tried her hardest (including getting him kicked out of school). When we got married, he invited this friend to be in our wedding party. His family caused a lot of problems for us and tried to ruin our wedding, and my husband spend the night before getting blitzed with friends (the friend in question included). We've kept in touch over the years, and when social media became a thing (my husband doesn't use it - family members ruined it for him), this friend of his and I connected, and we talk regularly. So when my husband told me something he and this person had done while being drunk out of their minds, I was knocked over. I won't get in to it on here. I've not told another person. I couldn't handle it the first few days after he told me and I finally sat down with him one night and asked some questions so I could put a few things to rest in my mind. I could see how upsetting it was to him. He said he beat himself up a lot over it because he'd been kind-of lying about it for many years (I say kind-of, because it wasn't something he was asked about and lied about in response), and that right afterward, he immediately regretted it, and never did it again. I wasn't upset. I understood. It was before he and I met, so I didn't consider it a betrayal of my trust or anything. After assuring him several times, and having him tell me what he can remember (he doesn't remember most of it), he seemed to be OK, and I decided not to bring it up again, even though I really had more questions.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to continue to deal with this friend, who I do really like - always have? I have pretended like I don't know anything. And I don't see what good talking about it to this person would do - I don't know if they'd even remember. But I get this overwhelming awkward feeling now when they talk to me. This is akin to my husband meeting a high school friend of mine for the first time, and that person letting it slip that I did something stupid that we hadn't told anyone else about (it involved some petty vandalism, and I too felt horrible about it immediately after). It was before we met, and in the grand scheme of things wasn't the end of the world, but afterward he told me that he wouldn't have thought I'd have done something like that. Hope that makes sense.
I do attend Al-Anon once a week. I do service work in the group. I have all intentions of sticking with it. But I don't feel comfortable bringing this up to the group. I'm still trying to find a sponsor - qualified people are in short supply in our area. Thanks for reading.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 15, 2017
Wow .. I'm so sorry you are going through this and it kind of qualifies under the none of my business aspect of other people's recovery. The said event did not happen to you. This is your spouse we are talking about and it sounds like he has some things to deal with. I tend to have a my arm has cancer so I will cut off my arm vs deal with the issue of something like this it would depend on my relationship with the other party. I just encourage you to continue going to meetings, and keep looking for a sponsor. Seriously speaking I can only go by how people have treated me vs what others say and this to me sounds very much like an issue that you should allow your spouse to deal with and keep your hands to yourself. Many times in situations by me meddling in things that are none of my affair I tend to make things 1000x worse than they need to be. I know it's not easy because before alanon I really believed I had the only right answer and much to my surprise I realize I do not.
Hugs keep coming back .. S :)
Funkified said
Mar 15, 2017
Thanks. I have no plans to confront this person, and I've not brought it up to my husband again.
I'd like to remain friends with this person - I just get this awkward feeling that is hard to shake. It's just one of those nagging things that hangs out at the back of my brain and pops up when I talk to this person. Cutting them off would be pointless. I guess this will just be one of those things that will have to remain in my brain and will hopefully fade over time.
And yes, he has a lot to deal with, and is going to therapy. I used to accompany him - often at his request - but this time, I told him that I would only be a distraction, and this is all on him. Sometimes, I would love to drag him in there and make sure he's going over what he needs to go over, but I haven't done so, and won't. It's hard, but it's the right thing to do.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 15, 2017
Minding my own business is a REALLY difficult thing to do .. I find I have less time to mind others business when I get busy minding my own .. LOL.
hotrod said
Mar 15, 2017
Hi Funkified,I agree this is indeed an awkward situation and knowing how to handle it might require that you do a fourth through 10th step on the issue. It appears that the incident happened when these boys were teenagers, and experimenting with life and different experiences. I think I would chalk it up to teenage behavior and ask HP to lift any judgment, I might have and move forward.
I do believe that is why we have sponsors and share at meetings.
Iamhere said
Mar 15, 2017
Welcome to MIP Funkified - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in.....I have 2 sons who are active in the disease with many efforts in recovery. So far, it's not 'stuck'. I will share that they've shared things with me that have made my insides want to crawl through my skin. A part of me really wishes I didn't have to hear them and yet another part of me is reminded that a child who will brutally lay out their pain, deeds, agony, etc. to a parent has a trust in that parent - even if they don't know it.
I think it's awesome that you and your hubbie are close enough that he shared. That speaks volumes for his trust in you. I also understand what you are saying about 'the other party' - one of my sons spilled some beans that I wish I'd not heard and 3 days later, I was face to face with his 'counterpart'. I did what we're told - I paused and prayed and what came back to me was 'act as if I don't know' and 'don't judge'....to this day, the other person has no idea that I know what I know and I see them almost as often as my son.
I do believe it will fade in time - the visual in my head did over time. What helped me was even though the relationship was kind of triangular at the beginning, it's changed and what I have with my son is different than what I have with the other person. I value both of them for different reasons and my recovery keeps me focused on accepting everyone as they are, including me!
I am with Betty - step work has been so very helpful in moving my recovery to another level and gave me insight into why I tick the way I do. Love that you are committed to your recovery - keep doing what you're doing - it looks great on you!
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery....(((hugs)))
Rickbrins said
Mar 15, 2017
Letting go of things that I know but have no control over is very hard. I like your thought that it did not happen to you or while you were in the picture. My AGF has some things in her past that I am aware of, I'd love to talk more about it so that I understand more, but I have to keep reminding myself that when she is ready, when the time is right she will open up about the things she needs to. It doesn't make my life any different today, so the discussion can wait.
I understand how difficult this is, believe me, but it is necessary.
Funkified said
Mar 22, 2017
Thank you, everyone. Maybe I just wanted to hear from other people that this is something they understand and they learned to let it go. I think not being able to talk about it to anyone was what made it so hard. I'm feeling better about it now. I think just letting it go to other people helped. I thank all of you for your feedback.
I am also pleased to say that I found a sponsor. I am our group rep to the district (I just started) and our district rep agreed to take me on after I asked her for assistance finding someone, as qualified people are in extremely short supply in our group (only 3 ladies in our group have completed the steps, and out of those 3, one only shows up every few months (she travels for months at a time), one of them I just don't care for (she is OK, but she holds a service position and doesn't really do much - you have to twist her arm and ask repeatedly for stuff, and she rarely comes without bringing a friend who spends the meeting texting and giggling) and I wouldn't see it working, and the 3rd one I really like and she's been very helpful to me, but she has her hands full with life right now and didn't really pick-up on the few hints I dropped her. I didn't want to push - I value her friendship. So my new sponsor and I had a nice chat last night over the phone (she's a good bit away from me) but she gave me a good foundation and some good advice, and we'll check in every Wednesday night when my husband goes to one of his AA meetings.
I look forward to going on this journey.
Iamhere said
Mar 22, 2017
Funkified - congrats. on getting you a sponsor!!! I am also glad you found some relief in sharing your issue - I agree that sometimes just getting it out gets me to a different place of processing....we say around here - when we have an issue, we write about it, talk about it and pray about it. Typically if it lasts that long as a dominating 'concern' it's resolved shortly after.
Keep coming back - glad you are part of my journey!
My husband is in recovery - almost 8 months sober, but his situation was more complex. He was a hardcore binge drinker from age 15 - 24. He quit drinking cold turkey. He decided he'd like to drink again socially after almost 20 years, and started back up December of 2014, and he did great. He never drank more than one or two, and only maybe once or twice a month, but he was diagnosed with addictive personality disorder after a nervous breakdown, and since alcohol was his first addiction, he was told to give up drinking again, and then to go to AA to find the root of his issues. He's had his ups and downs, but has done well for the most part.
He has a sponsor, attends meetings several times a week, and has started Step 4 (although he's been hesitant to do his inventory, and gets testy when I mention it - this is a bad habit of his when it comes to anything that will make him uncomfortable - he procrastinates). But back right before attending AA, when he started therapy (he's been through therapy many times before), he let go of some very deeply buried things. Most of them involved his highly abusive childhood, and while they upset me, I'm somewhat used to the stories of beatings and violence, but he told me something that threw me for a loop. It didn't involve his mother, or brother, or any family. It involved a friend. The one who introduced him to hardcore drinking, and because they lived far apart, that started his binging - the fact that they only saw each other every other month or so. The one who taught him how to get in to locked liquor cabinets. How to mix drinks to avoid the smell of alcohol. How and what to fill bottles with to avoid detection. Before meeting this friend, my husband would steal beer every now and then, but this kicked it up to a new level. This friend lived in a good home with good parents. No abuse, but this person had some hidden issues, and drinking helped them to deal, and this was attractive to my husband -something to numb the pain and escape the anxiety.
When he graduated high school, my husband left home and never went back, even after his mother tried her hardest (including getting him kicked out of school). When we got married, he invited this friend to be in our wedding party. His family caused a lot of problems for us and tried to ruin our wedding, and my husband spend the night before getting blitzed with friends (the friend in question included). We've kept in touch over the years, and when social media became a thing (my husband doesn't use it - family members ruined it for him), this friend of his and I connected, and we talk regularly. So when my husband told me something he and this person had done while being drunk out of their minds, I was knocked over. I won't get in to it on here. I've not told another person. I couldn't handle it the first few days after he told me and I finally sat down with him one night and asked some questions so I could put a few things to rest in my mind. I could see how upsetting it was to him. He said he beat himself up a lot over it because he'd been kind-of lying about it for many years (I say kind-of, because it wasn't something he was asked about and lied about in response), and that right afterward, he immediately regretted it, and never did it again. I wasn't upset. I understood. It was before he and I met, so I didn't consider it a betrayal of my trust or anything. After assuring him several times, and having him tell me what he can remember (he doesn't remember most of it), he seemed to be OK, and I decided not to bring it up again, even though I really had more questions.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to continue to deal with this friend, who I do really like - always have? I have pretended like I don't know anything. And I don't see what good talking about it to this person would do - I don't know if they'd even remember. But I get this overwhelming awkward feeling now when they talk to me. This is akin to my husband meeting a high school friend of mine for the first time, and that person letting it slip that I did something stupid that we hadn't told anyone else about (it involved some petty vandalism, and I too felt horrible about it immediately after). It was before we met, and in the grand scheme of things wasn't the end of the world, but afterward he told me that he wouldn't have thought I'd have done something like that. Hope that makes sense.
I do attend Al-Anon once a week. I do service work in the group. I have all intentions of sticking with it. But I don't feel comfortable bringing this up to the group. I'm still trying to find a sponsor - qualified people are in short supply in our area. Thanks for reading.
Hugs keep coming back .. S :)
Thanks. I have no plans to confront this person, and I've not brought it up to my husband again.
I'd like to remain friends with this person - I just get this awkward feeling that is hard to shake. It's just one of those nagging things that hangs out at the back of my brain and pops up when I talk to this person. Cutting them off would be pointless. I guess this will just be one of those things that will have to remain in my brain and will hopefully fade over time.
And yes, he has a lot to deal with, and is going to therapy. I used to accompany him - often at his request - but this time, I told him that I would only be a distraction, and this is all on him. Sometimes, I would love to drag him in there and make sure he's going over what he needs to go over, but I haven't done so, and won't. It's hard, but it's the right thing to do.
Hi Funkified,I agree this is indeed an awkward situation and knowing how to handle it might require that you do a fourth through 10th step on the issue. It appears that the incident happened when these boys were teenagers, and experimenting with life and different experiences. I think I would chalk it up to teenage behavior and ask HP to lift any judgment, I might have and move forward.
I do believe that is why we have sponsors and share at meetings.
I think it's awesome that you and your hubbie are close enough that he shared. That speaks volumes for his trust in you. I also understand what you are saying about 'the other party' - one of my sons spilled some beans that I wish I'd not heard and 3 days later, I was face to face with his 'counterpart'. I did what we're told - I paused and prayed and what came back to me was 'act as if I don't know' and 'don't judge'....to this day, the other person has no idea that I know what I know and I see them almost as often as my son.
I do believe it will fade in time - the visual in my head did over time. What helped me was even though the relationship was kind of triangular at the beginning, it's changed and what I have with my son is different than what I have with the other person. I value both of them for different reasons and my recovery keeps me focused on accepting everyone as they are, including me!
I am with Betty - step work has been so very helpful in moving my recovery to another level and gave me insight into why I tick the way I do. Love that you are committed to your recovery - keep doing what you're doing - it looks great on you!
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery....(((hugs)))
I understand how difficult this is, believe me, but it is necessary.
Thank you, everyone. Maybe I just wanted to hear from other people that this is something they understand and they learned to let it go. I think not being able to talk about it to anyone was what made it so hard. I'm feeling better about it now. I think just letting it go to other people helped. I thank all of you for your feedback.
I am also pleased to say that I found a sponsor. I am our group rep to the district (I just started) and our district rep agreed to take me on after I asked her for assistance finding someone, as qualified people are in extremely short supply in our group (only 3 ladies in our group have completed the steps, and out of those 3, one only shows up every few months (she travels for months at a time), one of them I just don't care for (she is OK, but she holds a service position and doesn't really do much - you have to twist her arm and ask repeatedly for stuff, and she rarely comes without bringing a friend who spends the meeting texting and giggling) and I wouldn't see it working, and the 3rd one I really like and she's been very helpful to me, but she has her hands full with life right now and didn't really pick-up on the few hints I dropped her. I didn't want to push - I value her friendship. So my new sponsor and I had a nice chat last night over the phone (she's a good bit away from me) but she gave me a good foundation and some good advice, and we'll check in every Wednesday night when my husband goes to one of his AA meetings.
I look forward to going on this journey.
Keep coming back - glad you are part of my journey!