Hi everyone. I've been married to an alcoholic for 6.5 years It started to become a problem about 5.5 years ago when I got pregnant and my husband started ramping up his drinking. I don't think I can adequately convey the feelings disappointment and horror of coming home with a 6 month old in tow, seeing him passed out on the living room floor, or watching him act like David Hasselhoff drunkenly eating that hamburger. To make matters worse, when I had the baby I quit my job, hoping that he would snap out of it, and went back to school. The last 5 years have been a complete nightmare. I no longer have financial independence, but I think the worst part about it is listening to what our son has to say about things. He is only five years old and he says things like "daddy drinks because he hates my mommy" and "mom, daddy doesn't even love you" and "did daddy lose [object] because he drank too much beer?" He knows what's going on in the house. I want a divorce because I don't see any way back from this. I can't raise my son thinking that this type of behavior is okay. I'm also no longer attracted to him, and he wasn't really all that nice to me anyway even before our son was around (he thinks he's adorable and clever). I'm reaching a point in my life where I don't want to put up with people who make me feel bad about myself and because he's so uncomfortable with himself and immature from drinking for such a long time, I don't see him making a change any time soon. I will soon graduate and hopefully can find a job soon and end this chapter in my life. I am plagued with feelings of guilt though. Feeling guilty that I used him to go to school because I know he or someone will throw that accusation out there. I also know that he used the fact that I wasn't working to his full advantage, because he knew I didn't have anywhere to go, so why am I feeling this guilt? What can I do to help my frame of mind? I know al anon is supposed to help you detach and make you not care as much when your loved ones drink, but I am a sensitive person and I don't think I can just detach as easily as others. I need to just not be around this person.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 15, 2017
Detaching is not about caring less .. it is learning not to take the drinking personally.
I hope you will stick around read as much as you can and go to a few meetings.
Hugs S :)
PS - Welcome to the group :)
T_Puppington said
Mar 15, 2017
Wow, that really helps! And it makes more sense than what I thought it was supposed to mean.
I have gone to a meeting, but it's kinda hard because I don't want my husband to know I'm going (don't wanna listen to him criticize me) and most of the meeting times are when I would be studying or getting our son ready for bed. But I will make more of an effort to attend.
Thanks for the welcome!
hotrod said
Mar 15, 2017
Welcome Puppington I do hope you can attempt to attend our on line meetings. They are held in the chat room 2x a day and are extremely helpful Even if you leave the marriage you will have develped negative coping tools that the meetings can help you discover and discard.
There is hope
T_Puppington said
Mar 15, 2017
Oh, I did not know the meetings were online. I'll see if I can attend one soon, and getting better coping mechanisms would be great. Thank you!
el-cee said
Mar 15, 2017
I could have written this word for word. Then I got alanon and I got free of it all. There is a common misconception that alanon teaches us not to care. This is so untrue. Alanon teaches the true meaning of caring and live. It helps us see how entangled and obsessed we have become along with lots of negative thinking anger resentment and wow the guilt was eating me alive. Give alanon a go you will be giving your wee boy the best gift ever. A happy saner mum.
T_Puppington said
Mar 15, 2017
Good to know it helped you so much. That gives me hope for myself too! And I want to be a better mom for my son. He needs that from me because I've never been able to feel like I was parenting to the best of my ability because of what I've had to deal with.
I noticed a lot of these posts could have been something I wrote too. It's good to know I'm not alone in going through this and finding a way out.
Iamhere said
Mar 15, 2017
Welcome T Puppington to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Alcoholism is chronic progressive disease and left unattended, it tends to reach beyond the drinker and affect those who love them or live with them.
To find the meetings here, look to the top left! You'll find the times as well as the link to the meeting room. I understand also the not wanting to hear feedback from your spouse - that does bring challenges.
This board (MIP) also has the 12 steps of the program to the top right. You can click through there and see how we work the steps here. Lastly, if you can get your hands on literature, it too will help.
My boys were very small when my husband returned to active disease. He kept some level of control for a long, long while until the disease got the upper hand. There is no doubt my boys learned to be sharp-tongued and a bit egotistical/self-serving by watching the adult(s) in the home. Yet, they now (they are 23 and 24) are realizing that treating normal people like doo-doo drives them away. My point - you child/ren will be exposed to him whether you stay or go for many years. Working the program for me gave me clarity on making choices that worked well for me and them.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
T_Puppington said
Mar 16, 2017
Thank you. I'll take a look at the meeting times and resources. Thanks for giving me a realistic expectation about how things might be for years to come.
Jerry F said
Mar 16, 2017
(((((Puppington))))) I have an urge to cry with you because of this share which has deep affect with me. I worked with youth as a behavioral health therapist/counselor and all of them were affected by our disease thru a parent; mostly the male parents and the damage was devastating and would so often ask me "How in the hell can we fix what has been broken by the disease"? My confidence took a while at practice to arrive at the point where it wouldn't ever turn away from youth that was reaching out for help. The families were broken and bruised and now I cannot remember many remaining that way as they found and learn a program of recovery.
Recovering youth were and are so very powerful because they do not have as much time in the disease as their elders and like your sons they do know the center and source of the problems. If there is Alateen available to them in your area I suggest you drag them into going. After a while they will drag you into taking them. Alateen in Al-Anon. Please keep coming back. In support. (((((hugs)))))
Hi everyone. I've been married to an alcoholic for 6.5 years It started to become a problem about 5.5 years ago when I got pregnant and my husband started ramping up his drinking. I don't think I can adequately convey the feelings disappointment and horror of coming home with a 6 month old in tow, seeing him passed out on the living room floor, or watching him act like David Hasselhoff drunkenly eating that hamburger. To make matters worse, when I had the baby I quit my job, hoping that he would snap out of it, and went back to school. The last 5 years have been a complete nightmare. I no longer have financial independence, but I think the worst part about it is listening to what our son has to say about things. He is only five years old and he says things like "daddy drinks because he hates my mommy" and "mom, daddy doesn't even love you" and "did daddy lose [object] because he drank too much beer?" He knows what's going on in the house. I want a divorce because I don't see any way back from this. I can't raise my son thinking that this type of behavior is okay. I'm also no longer attracted to him, and he wasn't really all that nice to me anyway even before our son was around (he thinks he's adorable and clever). I'm reaching a point in my life where I don't want to put up with people who make me feel bad about myself and because he's so uncomfortable with himself and immature from drinking for such a long time, I don't see him making a change any time soon. I will soon graduate and hopefully can find a job soon and end this chapter in my life. I am plagued with feelings of guilt though. Feeling guilty that I used him to go to school because I know he or someone will throw that accusation out there. I also know that he used the fact that I wasn't working to his full advantage, because he knew I didn't have anywhere to go, so why am I feeling this guilt? What can I do to help my frame of mind? I know al anon is supposed to help you detach and make you not care as much when your loved ones drink, but I am a sensitive person and I don't think I can just detach as easily as others. I need to just not be around this person.
I hope you will stick around read as much as you can and go to a few meetings.
Hugs S :)
PS - Welcome to the group :)
I have gone to a meeting, but it's kinda hard because I don't want my husband to know I'm going (don't wanna listen to him criticize me) and most of the meeting times are when I would be studying or getting our son ready for bed. But I will make more of an effort to attend.
Thanks for the welcome!
There is hope
Oh, I did not know the meetings were online. I'll see if I can attend one soon, and getting better coping mechanisms would be great. Thank you!
I could have written this word for word. Then I got alanon and I got free of it all. There is a common misconception that alanon teaches us not to care. This is so untrue. Alanon teaches the true meaning of caring and live. It helps us see how entangled and obsessed we have become along with lots of negative thinking anger resentment and wow the guilt was eating me alive. Give alanon a go you will be giving your wee boy the best gift ever. A happy saner mum.
I noticed a lot of these posts could have been something I wrote too. It's good to know I'm not alone in going through this and finding a way out.
To find the meetings here, look to the top left! You'll find the times as well as the link to the meeting room. I understand also the not wanting to hear feedback from your spouse - that does bring challenges.
This board (MIP) also has the 12 steps of the program to the top right. You can click through there and see how we work the steps here. Lastly, if you can get your hands on literature, it too will help.
My boys were very small when my husband returned to active disease. He kept some level of control for a long, long while until the disease got the upper hand. There is no doubt my boys learned to be sharp-tongued and a bit egotistical/self-serving by watching the adult(s) in the home. Yet, they now (they are 23 and 24) are realizing that treating normal people like doo-doo drives them away. My point - you child/ren will be exposed to him whether you stay or go for many years. Working the program for me gave me clarity on making choices that worked well for me and them.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
(((((Puppington))))) I have an urge to cry with you because of this share which has deep affect with me. I worked with youth as a behavioral health therapist/counselor and all of them were affected by our disease thru a parent; mostly the male parents and the damage was devastating and would so often ask me "How in the hell can we fix what has been broken by the disease"? My confidence took a while at practice to arrive at the point where it wouldn't ever turn away from youth that was reaching out for help. The families were broken and bruised and now I cannot remember many remaining that way as they found and learn a program of recovery.
Recovering youth were and are so very powerful because they do not have as much time in the disease as their elders and like your sons they do know the center and source of the problems. If there is Alateen available to them in your area I suggest you drag them into going. After a while they will drag you into taking them. Alateen in Al-Anon. Please keep coming back. In support. (((((hugs)))))