I broke up with alcoholic boyfriend about a month ago but gave him another chance after he promised to get help. I went and picked him up after we decided to reconcile and he was in bad shape after a 3 day bender. I felt so worried for him. He showed signs of improvement but then failed to follow through with AA meetings and other appointments. On the weekend I found a bottle of my gin that was way lower then I remembered and had clearly been watered down. I can swig it from the bottle easily without any burning to my throat, yet he denies he touched it. He's told me he's, "not putting up with it" and "get f**" after I confronted him with it. He's stolen alcohol from me many times before yet he still makes me question myself. Is he just gaslighting me? God I hate this feeling!! Anyway, we've broken up again, what a surprise. I'm iust worried that he'll do something serious to hurt himself this time. He told me that after our last break up he drove to his parents place with an axe in his car to "make sure he gave them his stuff". I think he old admitted that to me because he actually scared himself that time. I know al-anon is not to provide advice but I really need some help. It's hard to get to meetings as I have a 2 year old with limited babysitting options.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 15th of March 2017 07:56:39 AM
hotrod said
Mar 15, 2017
SaraLin This is not unusual behavior for an alocholic. Alcoholism is a dreadful 3 fold disease over which we are powerless. Attending alanon meetings helped me to connect with others who really understood and provided me with usual constructive tools to live by.
We hold on line meetings here 2x s a day in the chat room and here is the schedule:
Meetings 9 AM EST Mon-Fri 9 PM EST Mon-Sat 10 AM EST Sat & Sun
There is hope
Iamhere said
Mar 15, 2017
It took me a while in recovery to realize that actions seriously do speak louder than words. I'm sorry that you're affected by the disease - it's chronic and progressive. In my area, some of the meetings actually do provide child-care so I'd see if that might be available to you in your area.
The online meetings here are super for those who can't get to F2F meetings or just want to add more meetings to their program. Please keep coming back - there is help and hope in recovery!
SaraLin said
Mar 15, 2017
I'm driving myself crazy at the moment trying to find solid evidence that he watered it down. What if I was wrong? I've made one of my friends come over and try it (he agreed it was watered down) and put it in the freezer to see what happens (it's mostly frozen). I'm feeling a little nutty right now. Just scared I accused him of something if I'm wrong? But then again he's lied to me so many times before & nearly emptied a 10 litre port barrel of mine.
I'm going to try and go to a meeting while my son is asleep tomorrow - I'll time his nap and take the pusher.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 15, 2017
I think it helped me to just accept what is and leave the other stuff alone .. as much as my XAH gaslit me .. I did my own number on myself at a rapid rate. My XAH went to the extent of opening a bottle of wine and putting the cork back in it pretended it was a full bottle he didn't even add anything to it and tried to tell me that I drank the whole thing. Thankfully I had enough alanon to just let that whole rationalization of an addict go. That was his story and my need to be right was just not as important. After all does it really matter if the bottle was more or less empty or if he watered it down or not? It was not important and didn't really matter my truth is that I know I'm not the one putting an empty bottle back in the fridge and putting the cork back in it. Know your truth and stand quietly in that truth.
Hugs S :)
Jerry F said
Mar 15, 2017
Aloha Sara and welcome to the board and I gotta be honest with you I am having a hard time with your post as I had with mine when I got into recovery.
I am a double...a member of both programs because part of my disease was in the denial I carried with me regarding my own drinking versus my alcoholic/addict wife.
I had to practice reading my own shares because of that my sponsor told me I had to separate myself from all things alcohol. I was 9 years being alcohol free before I followed thru on the things I was thinking of her doing and went from alcohol free to being sober...there is a difference.
I understand your post because I have been there and done that and said that all and then did the inventory my sponsor led me thru..."What is your part in it". Living with an alcoholic trying to show her that I could or would do what it was that she was doing and then being more justified at it was insanity.
Sounds like he isn't following your boundaries....are you following them?
Alcohol has no prejudices at all. It affects every one the same way. Your gin is his gin is your childs gin....try seeing the picture of that. Keep coming back ((((hugs)))))
SaraLin said
Mar 15, 2017
I get really confused by some of this. I know everyone talks about detaching with love, but does that mean I'm not allowed to have any expectations of the alcoholic? He's stolen from me and is gaslighting me - I know he's got a disease and he's physically compelled to drink, but why does it have to involve stealing from me? I feel like my feelings don't matter in this.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 15, 2017
I think it can be broken down a little more simply which it is not to say your feelings don't matter .. you are expecting "normal rational" behavior from a sick person and no .. you aren't going to get it. There is a saying about going to the hardware store looking for a loaf of bread. You are asking for things that your AFB can't give you. 7 months of sobriety is great .. however in the big scheme of things it's a drop in the bucket .. the first 1 1/2 years of sobriety they are just getting back into physical sobriety and their brains have not caught up .. now that's what has happened under the influence (which is a great book by the way). So imagine how twisted up the sober people's brains get because there is no relief medicinally for these things .. it bleeds out every which way. Focusing on why your ABF can't give you .. XZY isn't productive .. finding out where you can get the validation that you need .. that's priceless .. that's where sponsors, meetings, lit come into play.
It really doesn't matter what your AFB does or doesn't do .. it only matters what are you going to do. Another great book is Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice Drew (or Toby Drew Rice) Vol 1, 2 would be a good read for you they are short, packed with alanon information although not alanon lit I do highly recommend that series.
Alcoholism is very confusing and it takes no prisoners. Yes your feelings matter .. that's why meetings are so important you are not alone.
Keep coming back.
shrnp said
Mar 15, 2017
Saralin,
Alcoholism is an addiction both mentally and physically. If someone has nothing else to drink they will drink whatever is available. I have even seen someone drink mouthwash. It is hard to separate the disease from what types of behaviors we would not want our loved ones doing.
Jerry F said
Mar 15, 2017
(((((Sara))))) your feelings do matter in this as long as it is you who is respecting them or not endangering them. Do not forget how cunning powerful and baffling this disease is on a daily basis and how powerless you and he and millions of others are over it. Keep coming back and keep your mind open...you will find help. ((((hugs))))
SaraLin said
Mar 15, 2017
I just can't believe how horrible this disease is. I've never really had any experience with it until now. I don't feel like there's really any hope for him because he doesn't want to get better, he just pretends that he wants to once in a while. How can that possibly change? I have spent so many hours googling stories of how people finally got sober, I still don't really understand what finally leads to the change. I know that I am becoming sick too and I need to focus on myself. I can do that, but it seems like there's no way that me and the alcoholic in my life can make our relationship work. I'm sad sad and broken by this all.
shrnp said
Mar 15, 2017
Saralin, I started working the steps it really helped a lot. The first step is that "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable." It takes awhile to understand how someone else's illness makes us sick but it does. For me recovery in Alanon is peace of mind and taking charge of my life and regaining control of my thoughts and actions. There is hope, the program works.
-- Edited by shrnp on Wednesday 15th of March 2017 07:07:57 PM
Rickbrins said
Mar 15, 2017
Saralin,
You are getting a lot of good insight here, I hope it is helping. I have learned that if you work the Al-anon program for yourself, and you make yourself happier and healthier, you will be in a better place to make good decisions for yourself. Once you are happy with you, you will be able to make a more clear decision about him and you will be happy with that decision either way.
My mother always said that you can't love anyone until you love yourself. I will add that you can't be happy with anyone, unless you are happy with yourself.
Keep working the program, I can see that you are learning from it already. It takes time, I know this all too well, but it happens. Progress not Perfection!
Rick
Jerry F said
Mar 15, 2017
Sister there is also an AA board here at MIP and you can go haunt and listen to them. This mornings meeting for me (AA) was on the 3rd step and he read from the steps and traditions AA book and then told the group (reminded) that sobriety is for us who honestly want it and without reservation come to accept the help and leadership of a power GREATER THAN OURSELVES. I capped that because that is how it worked(s) for me and anytime I forget that and start living and believing that there is nothing or no one more powerful than Jerry F I'm done for. I can relapse back into that self centered thought however if I combine a drink with it I will also be a former family member of MIP. I don't relish walking away from this family at all. So I will just keep coming back and no one can tell me not to. (((hugs)))
I broke up with alcoholic boyfriend about a month ago but gave him another chance after he promised to get help. I went and picked him up after we decided to reconcile and he was in bad shape after a 3 day bender. I felt so worried for him. He showed signs of improvement but then failed to follow through with AA meetings and other appointments. On the weekend I found a bottle of my gin that was way lower then I remembered and had clearly been watered down. I can swig it from the bottle easily without any burning to my throat, yet he denies he touched it. He's told me he's, "not putting up with it" and "get f**" after I confronted him with it. He's stolen alcohol from me many times before yet he still makes me question myself. Is he just gaslighting me? God I hate this feeling!! Anyway, we've broken up again, what a surprise. I'm iust worried that he'll do something serious to hurt himself this time. He told me that after our last break up he drove to his parents place with an axe in his car to "make sure he gave them his stuff". I think he old admitted that to me because he actually scared himself that time. I know al-anon is not to provide advice but I really need some help. It's hard to get to meetings as I have a 2 year old with limited babysitting options.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 15th of March 2017 07:56:39 AM
SaraLin This is not unusual behavior for an alocholic. Alcoholism is a dreadful 3 fold disease over which we are powerless. Attending alanon meetings helped me to connect with others who really understood and provided me with usual constructive tools to live by.
We hold on line meetings here 2x s a day in the chat room and here is the schedule:
Meetings
9 AM EST Mon-Fri
9 PM EST Mon-Sat
10 AM EST Sat & Sun
There is hope
The online meetings here are super for those who can't get to F2F meetings or just want to add more meetings to their program. Please keep coming back - there is help and hope in recovery!
Hugs S :)
Aloha Sara and welcome to the board and I gotta be honest with you I am having a hard time with your post as I had with mine when I got into recovery.
I am a double...a member of both programs because part of my disease was in the denial I carried with me regarding my own drinking versus my alcoholic/addict wife.
I had to practice reading my own shares because of that my sponsor told me I had to separate myself from all things alcohol. I was 9 years being alcohol free before I followed thru on the things I was thinking of her doing and went from alcohol free to being sober...there is a difference.
I understand your post because I have been there and done that and said that all and then did the inventory my sponsor led me thru..."What is your part in it". Living with an alcoholic trying to show her that I could or would do what it was that she was doing and then being more justified at it was insanity.
Sounds like he isn't following your boundaries....are you following them?
Alcohol has no prejudices at all. It affects every one the same way. Your gin is his gin is your childs gin....try seeing the picture of that. Keep coming back ((((hugs)))))
It really doesn't matter what your AFB does or doesn't do .. it only matters what are you going to do. Another great book is Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice Drew (or Toby Drew Rice) Vol 1, 2 would be a good read for you they are short, packed with alanon information although not alanon lit I do highly recommend that series.
Alcoholism is very confusing and it takes no prisoners. Yes your feelings matter .. that's why meetings are so important you are not alone.
Keep coming back.
Alcoholism is an addiction both mentally and physically. If someone has nothing else to drink they will drink whatever is available. I have even seen someone drink mouthwash. It is hard to separate the disease from what types of behaviors we would not want our loved ones doing.
(((((Sara))))) your feelings do matter in this as long as it is you who is respecting them or not endangering them. Do not forget how cunning powerful and baffling this disease is on a daily basis and how powerless you and he and millions of others are over it. Keep coming back and keep your mind open...you will find help. ((((hugs))))
Saralin,
I started working the steps it really helped a lot. The first step is that "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable." It takes awhile to understand how someone else's illness makes us sick but it does. For me recovery in Alanon is peace of mind and taking charge of my life and regaining control of my thoughts and actions. There is hope, the program works.
-- Edited by shrnp on Wednesday 15th of March 2017 07:07:57 PM
You are getting a lot of good insight here, I hope it is helping. I have learned that if you work the Al-anon program for yourself, and you make yourself happier and healthier, you will be in a better place to make good decisions for yourself. Once you are happy with you, you will be able to make a more clear decision about him and you will be happy with that decision either way.
My mother always said that you can't love anyone until you love yourself. I will add that you can't be happy with anyone, unless you are happy with yourself.
Keep working the program, I can see that you are learning from it already. It takes time, I know this all too well, but it happens. Progress not Perfection!
Rick
Sister there is also an AA board here at MIP and you can go haunt and listen to them. This mornings meeting for me (AA) was on the 3rd step and he read from the steps and traditions AA book and then told the group (reminded) that sobriety is for us who honestly want it and without reservation come to accept the help and leadership of a power GREATER THAN OURSELVES. I capped that because that is how it worked(s) for me and anytime I forget that and start living and believing that there is nothing or no one more powerful than Jerry F I'm done for. I can relapse back into that self centered thought however if I combine a drink with it I will also be a former family member of MIP. I don't relish walking away from this family at all. So I will just keep coming back and no one can tell me not to. (((hugs)))