My ex of 25 yrs was found dead in his home with an almost empty half gal of whiskey by his side. An autopsy was not done and cause of death is going down as a heart attack. I am so confused by the rush of emotions I am feeling. Divorce is a sort of continuation. I always knew he was out there somewhere. Death is final.
We have not been in contact in many years and we live 1500 miles apart. We have a child together so there has always been updates and contact with the grandmother and aunt, but not a lot of direct contact with him. I made the decision to leave 25 yrs ago because I felt our safety was in jeopardy. He would hallucinate/psychosis and think that I was an intruder, among other things.
As an enabler I thought for sure he would die as soon as I left him. I thought I was keeping him alive and he would never make it without me. Well, 25 yrs later it happened. Why was I so shocked?! To be honest I had been shocked that he could survive 25 yrs without me picking up the pieces and fixing his mistakes and keeping him from hurting himself.
I broke down in tears when I first heard the news. At the time I was crying for the pain my daughter would be going through. Now I'm not sure what these emotions really are. I have had nightmares and flashbacks. Now that he is gone everything I had tucked away in my mind is resurfacing. It's like a floodgate has opened and I'm drowning in all these emotions. I'm reliving all the things that we went through and I thought I had already dealt with. The fear, the panic, and the heartache. All over again.
Why can't I move on? Why have I continued to carry these feelings, fears, and now phobias in my mind? I had a huge anxiety/panic attack this evening.
Death is so raw. It really happened and I'm in shock. He's gone. Why is his death forcing me to deal with the unsettled effects of my time as his wife? It's been so long ago but I can't stop reliving everything in my mind.
I'm happily remarried. I have already forgiven him many years ago. I know it was the disease of alcoholism. He did love us. This is a silent grief that I cannot share anywhere but here. Thank you so much for listening.
hotrod said
Mar 14, 2017
((Living Free)) Positive thoughts and prayers on the way . I am saddened to read of your pain and so understand the backlash of which you speak. It does sound as if returning to alanon meetings and working the steps with a sponsor would help you to process the past and let go of residual unaddressed pain. Please keep coming back You are not alone
SerenityRUS said
Mar 14, 2017
Hugs, .. there are no really good words of comfort except to say I am so sorry for your loss and the grief you are now dealing with. Thanks for sharing that here.
Iamhere said
Mar 14, 2017
(((LivingFree))) - sending you positive thoughts and prayers. I am sorry for your loss and your grief. I've not had a loss like yours, but can relate to what I call 'whiplash grief' - returning grief when I thought I had processed it. I have come to understand that feelings are real, but they are not facts. When I have something reappear in my thoughts or emotions, it is not because I did not 'do well' the first time through; instead it's about a lesson I can grow and learn from.
There is still a part of my brain/thinking that wants happy, joy and freedom 'all the time'. That's a great goal, but it's not a perfect reality. I tend to assume a failure in me when I am sad, mad, other and that's just not real - we are all imperfect doing our best.
I am with Betty that leaning into the program will help with what is going on. Each time I am faced with a 'different chapter' of my journey and feel uncertain or sad or fearful, it is the tools, steps, fellowship and program that help me through it.
We are here for you however we can be. (((Hugs)))
DavidG said
Mar 14, 2017
(((((((((((((((((((( Living Free )))))))))))))))))
For so many years we expect the worst, sometimes...
but when it comes- this does not seem to soften the blow...
...I think having the emotions to deal with is is a great gift...
and it is so healthy to cry and to weep!!! Oh yes... and to share... ...
Stan1 said
Mar 14, 2017
(((((((((Living Free))))))))) so very sorry for your loss. During painful times my favorite reminder from ODAT is " Painful experiences come from the thorns that wound us; they make us forget they also have roses". It let's me know that the feeling of sadness is every bit as normal as the feeling of joy and that Al anon can help me deal with and process all my feelings.
shrnp said
Mar 14, 2017
I am very sorry for your loss. It would have upset me also since you have a child together. The memories will fade, it is not uncommon for trauma or death to bring up bad things from your past.
Living Free said
Mar 15, 2017
Thank you all for the kind words and encouragement. I still have some work to do and I am so thankful that this site is available. It's time to "Let go and let God".
I'm taking a complete inventory of all things that I have not dealt with and I'm also re-evaluating the fantasies I've built up in my mind of "The good ole' days". I need to face the realities of who I am and how I've become the way I am. For example; My perfectionism, my controlling attitude, the residual effects that my current husband deals with and all of the walls that I've built that have become a normal part of who I am now. It's time that I truly break free from these old rusty chains that have held me in captivity for so many years.
Thanks again for being here, for your kind words and for really understanding.
Mijita said
Mar 15, 2017
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband last year and this past Friday I lost my father. I lost the two men I loved the most in 14 months. I make sure to go to as many Al-Anon meetings as possible, I am currently in a grief support group. I read my fathers bible and do the grief support homework and I talk to my best friend when she is available. My cats have been a source of comfort, immense comfort as they can sense my sadness. I understand your pain and the fear and questions that come with it. I know that feeling of being alone. I am thinking of you and hold your hand from a far. Please feel free to reply if you need to talk. Hugs, love, blessings, comfort and healing to you.
Iamhere said
Mar 15, 2017
Mijita - welcome to MIP! Glad you found us and glad that you shared. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please keep coming back - as you know - there is hope and help in recovery!
(((Hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers of healing for you!
Living Free said
Mar 15, 2017
Mijita wrote:
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband last year and this past Friday I lost my father. I lost the two men I loved the most in 14 months. I make sure to go to as many Al-Anon meetings as possible, I am currently in a grief support group. I read my fathers bible and do the grief support homework and I talk to my best friend when she is available. My cats have been a source of comfort, immense comfort as they can sense my sadness. I understand your pain and the fear and questions that come with it. I know that feeling of being alone. I am thinking of you and hold your hand from a far. Please feel free to reply if you need to talk. Hugs, love, blessings, comfort and healing to you.
I am so sorry. I am remarried to my current husband for 23yrs. I can't imagine life without him. The loss of my Ex husband is a grief that I must feel in silence. I lost my mom 2 years ago and I still grieve for her as well. Even though we know to live is to die we just can't really understand the impact until it happens to us personally. The best answer to any grief related pain is.....Turn to God and trust him to give the strength that is needed.
Please know that you are not alone and cry it all out. every day for as long as it takes. Allow yourself this time to heal. There's no way around grief. You have to go straight through it. One day you will realize that you have gained a new strength and a deeper wisdom from all of this that you didn't have before. Life will be different but even though it's impossible to imagine right now, life WILL be good again. Brand new life will be born and you will realize that life is still worth living. God is with you always even when you feel so alone. <3
My ex of 25 yrs was found dead in his home with an almost empty half gal of whiskey by his side. An autopsy was not done and cause of death is going down as a heart attack. I am so confused by the rush of emotions I am feeling. Divorce is a sort of continuation. I always knew he was out there somewhere. Death is final.
We have not been in contact in many years and we live 1500 miles apart. We have a child together so there has always been updates and contact with the grandmother and aunt, but not a lot of direct contact with him. I made the decision to leave 25 yrs ago because I felt our safety was in jeopardy. He would hallucinate/psychosis and think that I was an intruder, among other things.
As an enabler I thought for sure he would die as soon as I left him. I thought I was keeping him alive and he would never make it without me. Well, 25 yrs later it happened. Why was I so shocked?! To be honest I had been shocked that he could survive 25 yrs without me picking up the pieces and fixing his mistakes and keeping him from hurting himself.
I broke down in tears when I first heard the news. At the time I was crying for the pain my daughter would be going through. Now I'm not sure what these emotions really are. I have had nightmares and flashbacks. Now that he is gone everything I had tucked away in my mind is resurfacing. It's like a floodgate has opened and I'm drowning in all these emotions. I'm reliving all the things that we went through and I thought I had already dealt with. The fear, the panic, and the heartache. All over again.
Why can't I move on? Why have I continued to carry these feelings, fears, and now phobias in my mind? I had a huge anxiety/panic attack this evening.
Death is so raw. It really happened and I'm in shock. He's gone. Why is his death forcing me to deal with the unsettled effects of my time as his wife? It's been so long ago but I can't stop reliving everything in my mind.
I'm happily remarried. I have already forgiven him many years ago. I know it was the disease of alcoholism. He did love us. This is a silent grief that I cannot share anywhere but here. Thank you so much for listening.
((Living Free)) Positive thoughts and prayers on the way . I am saddened to read of your pain and so understand the backlash of which you speak. It does sound as if returning to alanon meetings and working the steps with a sponsor would help you to process the past and let go of residual unaddressed pain.
Please keep coming back You are not alone
There is still a part of my brain/thinking that wants happy, joy and freedom 'all the time'. That's a great goal, but it's not a perfect reality. I tend to assume a failure in me when I am sad, mad, other and that's just not real - we are all imperfect doing our best.
I am with Betty that leaning into the program will help with what is going on. Each time I am faced with a 'different chapter' of my journey and feel uncertain or sad or fearful, it is the tools, steps, fellowship and program that help me through it.
We are here for you however we can be. (((Hugs)))
(((((((((((((((((((( Living Free )))))))))))))))))
For so many years we expect the worst, sometimes...
but when it comes- this does not seem to soften the blow...
...I think having the emotions to deal with is is a great gift...
and it is so healthy to cry and to weep!!! Oh yes... and to share...
...
I'm taking a complete inventory of all things that I have not dealt with and I'm also re-evaluating the fantasies I've built up in my mind of "The good ole' days". I need to face the realities of who I am and how I've become the way I am. For example; My perfectionism, my controlling attitude, the residual effects that my current husband deals with and all of the walls that I've built that have become a normal part of who I am now. It's time that I truly break free from these old rusty chains that have held me in captivity for so many years.
Thanks again for being here, for your kind words and for really understanding.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband last year and this past Friday I lost my father. I lost the two men I loved the most in 14 months. I make sure to go to as many Al-Anon meetings as possible, I am currently in a grief support group. I read my fathers bible and do the grief support homework and I talk to my best friend when she is available. My cats have been a source of comfort, immense comfort as they can sense my sadness. I understand your pain and the fear and questions that come with it. I know that feeling of being alone. I am thinking of you and hold your hand from a far. Please feel free to reply if you need to talk. Hugs, love, blessings, comfort and healing to you.
(((Hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers of healing for you!
I am so sorry. I am remarried to my current husband for 23yrs. I can't imagine life without him. The loss of my Ex husband is a grief that I must feel in silence. I lost my mom 2 years ago and I still grieve for her as well. Even though we know to live is to die we just can't really understand the impact until it happens to us personally. The best answer to any grief related pain is.....Turn to God and trust him to give the strength that is needed.
Please know that you are not alone and cry it all out. every day for as long as it takes. Allow yourself this time to heal. There's no way around grief. You have to go straight through it. One day you will realize that you have gained a new strength and a deeper wisdom from all of this that you didn't have before. Life will be different but even though it's impossible to imagine right now, life WILL be good again. Brand new life will be born and you will realize that life is still worth living. God is with you always even when you feel so alone.
<3