As some of you know my ex abf and I still talk, and yet I'm not really sure why (probably because I'm still in love with the man I fell in love with). Anyways, it's getting to the point with our relationship that I have no longer accepted his inappropriate verbally abusive ( you stupid "b"***, if you cared you'd be here. I didn't pay my bills because you weren't here to help me. I'm doing better than I ever have and you won't give me a chance...Etc etc) and lately sober behavior. The part I have the hardest time with is when we are arguing and it goes from anger to him crying on the phone because he's trying (he says he's been sober for a week, 4 of those days he was throwing up and it wasn't a choice that he wasn't drinking, but I guess that can be a jump start or am I wrong? It's like every time I get to my wits end of the drama he has this magical power of turning it around on me, now I know alcoholics do this and he is a pro! I just feel so horrible when he's so lost and unhappy and says he wants to make it all better and live the life we always dreamed of...thank you all who read this and who respond.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 13th of March 2017 01:01:34 PM
hotrod said
Mar 13, 2017
HI VVV I do understand your pain and your concern and would like to suggest that you up your Al-Anon meetings as quickly as possible so that you can develop the tools of detachment with love and familiarize yourself with some of the slogans that will help you in the situation.
This is a dreadful disease that we are dealing with and it is causes pain and suffering for both the alcoholic and the family. Learning how to be supportive, without doing for is extremely important as well is learning how to take care of ourselves in the process. Not engaging in arguments with the alcoholic is the first step towards some sort of sanity.
Meetings taught me how to do this. I learned to stop, not react and to pray before I spoke and that worked greatly. You are not alone so please do keep coming back there is hope.
Rickbrins said
Mar 13, 2017
Excellent advice as always HotRod, I have to agree that face to face meetings and slogans do help. You also know that the alcoholic/addict is very good at manipulating emotions, just like a fisherman, they know just how hard to pull and when to let loose, just to pull again. All the time making sure the hook is set and the line doesn't break, keeping the fish (US) on the line.
If you learn to not engage in the arguments and walk away from the insults, you will be happier and hopefully he will learn that they do not accomplish his goal anymore and stop.
I also do not feel as if 4 days sober is the sign of anything long term. If he is that bad, he will need a detox and serious commitment to some sort of program. I watched as a friend road the rollercoaster of "See, I can stop" until they felt better and that was the end of that. They have been in and out of 5 (yes 5) week long inpatient programs and still do not take sobriety seriously.
So, set your boundaries, try to stick to them. Also try to avoid the unproductive arguments, they never seem to get anywhere for us and just give the A an excuse to do what they were probably going to do anyway.
shrnp said
Mar 13, 2017
vvv,
My qualifier is an ex-bf that I have stayed in touch with. I found that his moods would change a lot depending on when he was drinking and how much. The starting and stopping drinking would amount to binges and then he would be sick for days too. He would end up going to the hospital often. He is pretty sick now though. That is why I am participating in Alanon so that even if he is not drinking and sick I will not let the disease run my life. It can be very hard at times.
vvv said
Mar 13, 2017
Thank you all for your responses this board always helps me so much I need to go to face to face meetings, but the times it's hard for me to get to. I read a lot of literature and that helps, but I always seem to stop reading as much when I'm doing well with the program. It's a constant state of discipline
Rickbrins said
Mar 14, 2017
As we all have experienced, sometimes it is hard to get to Face to Face meetings, some people find it scary to go to their first one. Please find a way to get to one, they are more than worth it and a valuable part of any recovery!
Iamhere said
Mar 14, 2017
I've had to learn the hard way that having a routine helps me with my recovery....I too used to slack off when I was feeling 'better' and then when life happened, I leaned into old thinking patterns and old habits. I would then have to restart recovery to focus on what's good and what's mine and ...
Instead, I now try to live/work the program every day steadily so I am more balanced when life happens. I would much rather schedule program effort than end up in a reactive mode (prefer proactive for my mental state)....just how it works best for me!
There are meetings here too for those who struggle to get to F2F meetings! (((Hugs))) to all.
Aerin said
Mar 15, 2017
I feel horrible too when they start to say they are trying and want to be better for themselves and us, etc etc. It breaks my heart in a way because I know what a good person he is outside of the drinking. I think that is one of the hardest lessons for me is to be compassionate but not overly compassionate. You know? sigh. I do continue to come to this board and read, although no face to face meetings yet. I do learn a lot reading. I retain information better that way than when someone is talking. Glad you posted
As some of you know my ex abf and I still talk, and yet I'm not really sure why (probably because I'm still in love with the man I fell in love with). Anyways, it's getting to the point with our relationship that I have no longer accepted his inappropriate verbally abusive ( you stupid "b"***, if you cared you'd be here. I didn't pay my bills because you weren't here to help me. I'm doing better than I ever have and you won't give me a chance...Etc etc) and lately sober behavior. The part I have the hardest time with is when we are arguing and it goes from anger to him crying on the phone because he's trying (he says he's been sober for a week, 4 of those days he was throwing up and it wasn't a choice that he wasn't drinking, but I guess that can be a jump start or am I wrong? It's like every time I get to my wits end of the drama he has this magical power of turning it around on me, now I know alcoholics do this and he is a pro! I just feel so horrible when he's so lost and unhappy and says he wants to make it all better and live the life we always dreamed of...thank you all who read this and who respond.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 13th of March 2017 01:01:34 PM
HI VVV I do understand your pain and your concern and would like to suggest that you up your Al-Anon meetings as quickly as possible so that you can develop the tools of detachment with love and familiarize yourself with some of the slogans that will help you in the situation.
This is a dreadful disease that we are dealing with and it is causes pain and suffering for both the alcoholic and the family. Learning how to be supportive, without doing for is extremely important as well is learning how to take care of ourselves in the process. Not engaging in arguments with the alcoholic is the first step towards some sort of sanity.
Meetings taught me how to do this. I learned to stop, not react and to pray before I spoke and that worked greatly. You are not alone so please do keep coming back there is hope.
If you learn to not engage in the arguments and walk away from the insults, you will be happier and hopefully he will learn that they do not accomplish his goal anymore and stop.
I also do not feel as if 4 days sober is the sign of anything long term. If he is that bad, he will need a detox and serious commitment to some sort of program. I watched as a friend road the rollercoaster of "See, I can stop" until they felt better and that was the end of that. They have been in and out of 5 (yes 5) week long inpatient programs and still do not take sobriety seriously.
So, set your boundaries, try to stick to them. Also try to avoid the unproductive arguments, they never seem to get anywhere for us and just give the A an excuse to do what they were probably going to do anyway.
My qualifier is an ex-bf that I have stayed in touch with. I found that his moods would change a lot depending on when he was drinking and how much. The starting and stopping drinking would amount to binges and then he would be sick for days too. He would end up going to the hospital often. He is pretty sick now though. That is why I am participating in Alanon so that even if he is not drinking and sick I will not let the disease run my life. It can be very hard at times.
Instead, I now try to live/work the program every day steadily so I am more balanced when life happens. I would much rather schedule program effort than end up in a reactive mode (prefer proactive for my mental state)....just how it works best for me!
There are meetings here too for those who struggle to get to F2F meetings! (((Hugs))) to all.
I feel horrible too when they start to say they are trying and want to be better for themselves and us, etc etc. It breaks my heart in a way because I know what a good person he is outside of the drinking. I think that is one of the hardest lessons for me is to be compassionate but not overly compassionate. You know? sigh. I do continue to come to this board and read, although no face to face meetings yet. I do learn a lot reading. I retain information better that way than when someone is talking. Glad you posted