My husband of 4 years has been an alcoholic for over 2 years now. It's such a long story but after dropping out of an impatient program he is in an iop now. We fight...... He gets nasty...... Fight in front of the kids..... Is controlling and overbearing. I coddle the kids and my ways are always wrong. I could go on and on but my reason for this post is we have split 4 times now. I left with the kids 4 days ago because he wouldn't leave. Told him I can't do this anymore. I am an absolute mess. I truly do love him so much and the thought of not having him anymore is devastating. Everyone tells me I have to end it but I hold on to the person he used to be. He thinks this is all normal marriage issues but it is far more. If I went back my family would think I'm a horrible mother. Is there any hope? Do I need to give up? I turn into a recluse when Weare together because he Is so jealous and controlling. But he was never like that before. Any advice would be so much appreciated. I am just lost and miserable and don't know what to do
shrnp said
Mar 12, 2017
Hello Bri58,
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. You are not alone, alcoholism is a family disease. It effects everyone in the family and sometimes children are the most vulnerable. But, we have to learn to fix ourselves and sometimes that is frightening. Once we are on the road to recovery, we can face our situations better. Which in turn helps everyone around us, sometimes even the alcoholic themselves. The first step in Alanon is, "We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable." I hope things calm down for you.
hotrod said
Mar 12, 2017
Hello Bri I too would like to add my welcome and assurance that you are not alone. Living with and interacting with the disease of alcoholism many of us develop negative coping tools that are ineffective when living and dealing with the disease. Many of us thought that our only choice was to leave until we found alanon.
I too suggest that you search out face to face meetings and attend. NO one at the meetings will give you advise as to what decision to make about your marriage instead they will offer you tools to use so you will be able to make your own informed choice and as well as emotional and spiritual support throughout the process.. We believe that the right answer for each of us is different and is within the person themselves That is why we attempt to live one day at a time, not projecting in to the future or lamenting thr past. Please keep coming back.
Freetime said
Mar 12, 2017
Welcome Bri, there is hope. And as Shrnp and Hotrod said, you are not alone. I would encourage you to look for a local Al-Anon meeting, which you can find at the website http://al-anon.info/MeetingSearch/Al-AnonMeetings.aspx?language=EN and you might also find a listing in the white pages of a telephone book. There also are on-line meetings on this Miracles In Progress site.
I found that through Al-Anon meetings I was able to connect with people who had been in my shoes, and learn how they managed. Al-Anon is a wonderful program that helped me clear my mind and feel more confident in the decisions I was making.
I understand and have felt that grief of losing the person that used to be, and feeling that I was at the end of my rope. What helped me most in the beginning was the slogans "One Day At A Time" and the 3 C's of someone else's drinking ... "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it (but I can change myself)." Keep coming back here ... there is a lot of wisdom to be shared.
-- Edited by Freetime on Sunday 12th of March 2017 12:24:53 PM
Jerry F said
Mar 12, 2017
Aloha Bri and welcome to the board and program from this side of the planet. Like the others I also know what it's like and where you are at with it and in thinking about my journey thru the disease and focusing on what I did that worked best I am reminded of the power of the face to face meetings I was introduced to and the fellowship of all of the numerous members who came to my aid with their ESH (Experience Strength and Hope) and who never left my side and still haven't and now its time for me to give that back. Al-Anon is a "do" program. We learn what has worked for others and we "do" that rather than do what we are in habit of doing...that was my change...stop doing what I do and thought was right and do what worked for others. I ended my life as I knew it then and swapped it for a new life...Boy does that ever work.
Look in the white pages of your local telephone book for the hotline number for Al-Anon and call that number for the information on where and when they hold face to face meeting in your area and then don't argue with your alcoholic...go to a meeting. Of course keep coming back home here. (((((hugs)))))
Stan1 said
Mar 12, 2017
Hi Bri and welcome! Yes the disease of alcoholism can be very confusing and painful for the entire family. Thankfully there is alanon to provide the tools of experience, strength and hope to turn over our method of dealing with it . I was a little uneasy going to my first FTF until I went inside and felt the warmth and understanding. You have taken a positive step just coming in here, please keep coming back.
a4l said
Mar 12, 2017
Hugs. Me and my kids left last week too. It takes time and support to untangle ones self from alcoholism. It's all a process. Whether you choose to stay gone or find yourself drawn back, alanon is the right place to start reclaiming yourself back from the family disease called alcoholism. Take care, eat something, keep coming back. Glad you reached out.
Iamhere said
Mar 12, 2017
Welcome to MIP Bri - glad you found us and glad you joined right in. I too would suggest exposing yourself to Al-Anon F2F (face to face) meetings to get a feel for how 'not alone' you are. The disease is progressive and it becomes too much for those of us who love an alcoholic at times. Al-Anon can help you with your own recovery which for me was necessary as all of me was wrapped up in the disease and the diseased. Parts of me were buried deep down by the affects of alcoholism, and it's been very rewarding to find them again.
As far as what will come next - we do not know ever. We typically don't give advice in Al-Anon, the exception is in cases of abuse and then we usually only advise others to find/seek support from any/all resources available.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone and there is hope and help in Al-Anon.
Bri58 said
Mar 13, 2017
Thank you all so much for the support. It truly means so much. I have a great family but no one understands my situation and just think I need to walk away for the kids and suck it up. It's not that easy and I'm so torn on what is right. I will look today and try to find a meeting to go to. I know if I go back right now even with him not drinking nothing is going to change. To him..... All this has been both of us and if the kids would behave that wouldn't be an issue. I'm by no means saying I am perfect. But if he won't change the ways this has changed him and how he sees everything it will be the same again. I know I'm rambling. Just a horrible situation.
Stan1 said
Mar 13, 2017
(((Bri))) Something you said just jumped out at me "if the kids would behave" Oh my do I remember the "what ifs" and they were usually directed to any one or anything other than my then AH. My favorite was "if I would just keep the counter clear". I found out in alanon that I didn't cause nor could I cure the disease of alcoholism, the only person I can try and and improve on is me. Keep coming back.
Iamhere said
Mar 13, 2017
Bri - my family and close friends also thought I should walk away from the insanity of my home. What I learned in recovery when I got honest was they were saying what they thought they should based on the sharing I did with them. I had literally purged all my anger, resentments, etc. to them and truly only shared all that was broken, crazy and devastating. I hadn't said a kind, good, positive word about my AH in a long while as my brain was so full of insanity, fear, anger and more.
I had to cease talking about the issues caused by this disease with family/friends who did not understand. Sharing instead with program friends who do understand and don't judge settled most of the well-meaning family/friends down. When they would ask how things were, my standard answer is I'm committed to doing all that I can to get through this and things are going better. Nothing more, nothing less. Over time, they stopped asking as they did see I was feeling better.
I had to explain more to my parents and basically told them that things with my boys are very difficult and if they wanted to know how they were, they could call and ask them. I stepped out completely and held fast to the boundary. None of these steps appeared to me until I worked on me with the steps of Al-Anon and regained some sanity back.
(((Hugs))) - there is hope and help in recovery!
Bri58 said
Mar 14, 2017
Thank you all so much for the support and feedback. I am trying to find some alanon meetings but having a really hard time with my work schedule. I definitely need to stop telling my family about issues and things he does wrong. There is also the issue of my kids running over and saying Chris did this or said that. It's so hard. I know deep down he is a wonderful person. This has changed him so much and he can't see it. He hasn't drank for weeks...... Yet still doesn't recognize all the damage he has caused and things he needs to change. I don't know whether to go back or not. Ido truly love him so much. So lost
Rickbrins said
Mar 14, 2017
It may be a long time before her realizes all that he has done and the extent of the pain that he has caused. If he is working an AA program then eventually he will get around to step 4 which will get him digging deeper into the wrongs he has done, he may even have to go through step 4 a few times to hit all the things that you would like to hear about. If he truly works the program, I believe he will eventually hit all the important things.
From what I have seen, It will take time, please stick with Al-anon to help you get through the wait and help you learn how to be good to yourself!
shrnp said
Mar 14, 2017
Have you tried the MIP online meetings? They are at 9:00 am and 9:00 pm. I like doing them we all get a chance to say something about a topic relating to Alanon recovery.
Iamhere said
Mar 15, 2017
The meeting schedule for online meetings here @ MIP is up to the top, left hand side. I share this as many of us are in different time zones so align your needs accordingly!! Keep coming back - it works when we work it and we're worth it!
Bri58 said
Mar 15, 2017
I will definitely try the online meetings. It's just a matter of occupying my kids so I can have some privacy. Already it feels so great to have people to talk to. I have my family and my best friend but no one understands this
Iamhere said
Mar 15, 2017
Bri58 - it's a chat room so they don't have to be 'quiet' or anything. If you need to walk away, it's fine. I've had to before and then when I return, I just scroll up to see the share portion I missed. If you need to drop off, you can as well. There is never any shame in arriving late or leaving early - recovery is a personal journey! My experience aligns - those who aren't affected by the disease don't get it - they try, but it's just so very, very hard to understand unless they've worn a sandal - forget the walk in the shoes! (((Hugs)))
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. You are not alone, alcoholism is a family disease. It effects everyone in the family and sometimes children are the most vulnerable. But, we have to learn to fix ourselves and sometimes that is frightening. Once we are on the road to recovery, we can face our situations better. Which in turn helps everyone around us, sometimes even the alcoholic themselves. The first step in Alanon is, "We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable." I hope things calm down for you.
Hello Bri I too would like to add my welcome and assurance that you are not alone. Living with and interacting with the disease of alcoholism many of us develop negative coping tools that are ineffective when living and dealing with the disease. Many of us thought that our only choice was to leave until we found alanon.
I too suggest that you search out face to face meetings and attend. NO one at the meetings will give you advise as to what decision to make about your marriage instead they will offer you tools to use so you will be able to make your own informed choice and as well as emotional and spiritual support throughout the process.. We believe that the right answer for each of us is different and is within the person themselves That is why we attempt to live one day at a time, not projecting in to the future or lamenting thr past. Please keep coming back.
Welcome Bri, there is hope. And as Shrnp and Hotrod said, you are not alone. I would encourage you to look for a local Al-Anon meeting, which you can find at the website http://al-anon.info/MeetingSearch/Al-AnonMeetings.aspx?language=EN and you might also find a listing in the white pages of a telephone book. There also are on-line meetings on this Miracles In Progress site.
I found that through Al-Anon meetings I was able to connect with people who had been in my shoes, and learn how they managed. Al-Anon is a wonderful program that helped me clear my mind and feel more confident in the decisions I was making.
I understand and have felt that grief of losing the person that used to be, and feeling that I was at the end of my rope. What helped me most in the beginning was the slogans "One Day At A Time" and the 3 C's of someone else's drinking ... "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it (but I can change myself)." Keep coming back here ... there is a lot of wisdom to be shared.
-- Edited by Freetime on Sunday 12th of March 2017 12:24:53 PM
Aloha Bri and welcome to the board and program from this side of the planet. Like the others I also know what it's like and where you are at with it and in thinking about my journey thru the disease and focusing on what I did that worked best I am reminded of the power of the face to face meetings I was introduced to and the fellowship of all of the numerous members who came to my aid with their ESH (Experience Strength and Hope) and who never left my side and still haven't and now its time for me to give that back. Al-Anon is a "do" program. We learn what has worked for others and we "do" that rather than do what we are in habit of doing...that was my change...stop doing what I do and thought was right and do what worked for others. I ended my life as I knew it then and swapped it for a new life...Boy does that ever work.
Look in the white pages of your local telephone book for the hotline number for Al-Anon and call that number for the information on where and when they hold face to face meeting in your area and then don't argue with your alcoholic...go to a meeting. Of course keep coming back home here. (((((hugs)))))
As far as what will come next - we do not know ever. We typically don't give advice in Al-Anon, the exception is in cases of abuse and then we usually only advise others to find/seek support from any/all resources available.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone and there is hope and help in Al-Anon.
I had to cease talking about the issues caused by this disease with family/friends who did not understand. Sharing instead with program friends who do understand and don't judge settled most of the well-meaning family/friends down. When they would ask how things were, my standard answer is I'm committed to doing all that I can to get through this and things are going better. Nothing more, nothing less. Over time, they stopped asking as they did see I was feeling better.
I had to explain more to my parents and basically told them that things with my boys are very difficult and if they wanted to know how they were, they could call and ask them. I stepped out completely and held fast to the boundary. None of these steps appeared to me until I worked on me with the steps of Al-Anon and regained some sanity back.
(((Hugs))) - there is hope and help in recovery!
From what I have seen, It will take time, please stick with Al-anon to help you get through the wait and help you learn how to be good to yourself!