My AGF will be home from her program for the weekend and then in 10 days she will most likely be coming home for good. Right now I am fairly relaxed, although there have been a few triggers coming from family. I am very scared of how things will be when she gets out. She seems to be in a very good mental state and the program is working well for her, but my fear comes from not knowing how well I will be able to control my emotions. Will having her around bring back that rush of memories about how bad things were and send me falling backwards in my recovery and possibly affecting hers too? I hope I will be able to keep my tool kit handy and catch myself as I inevitably fall into my old habits. I am trying to have faith that I have grown in the program and will be able to keep my fears in check. I am counting on my HP to keep me moving in the right direction, but I am very scared at the same time.
I have some major fears in my near future, some that the mere thought of the situation paralyzes me. I am a strong person, but I have let this disease creep up on me and take control. I am learning to take that control back, but I can't do it on my own yet. Thank you all for being here.
KT2015 said
Mar 11, 2017
((Rick)) I can relate to the fear I have so much of it myself. What I love about this program is that it helps me with my fear.
I used to worry about not handling things perfectly. But the program also teaches me that it's about progress not perfection. I slip and fall and pick myself up and get back on track. And that's ok because I'm human. Wishing you all the best with her return. Remember the slogan one day at a time (sometimes I shorten that to one hour or one moment at a time of needed).
hotrod said
Mar 11, 2017
((Rick)) Positive thoughts and prayers on the way. Remember not to project and it is always one day at a time.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 11th of March 2017 09:00:35 AM
Iamhere said
Mar 11, 2017
Hey (((Rick))) - I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.....I too understand those fears - my sponsor gave me some quick tools to keep close by such as, "That was then, this is now." "I am safe and OK at the present moment." My all time favorite when I feel the fear rising, is "Bless Them, Change Me."
Hold tight to where you are each moment.....stay present and don't venture to the past or the future....you got this!!
Jerry F said
Mar 11, 2017
God I love the picture of the MIP family members diving into the pool to keep each other afloat and serene. LOL This does work when we work it. After reading your entry I remembered slogans which were and are soooo strong and helpful for me. Of course the detachment slogan Let go and Let God have it is very good and then my former sponsor standing over my back telling me remember to tell him "Don't React" (my sponsors name was Don't so that slogan carries more weight and mercy. "When in doubt?... Don't" and I was almost always in doubt because my emotions were scrambled so I made no decisions unless I reached serenity and peace of mind first. "If you keep and open mind...you will find help" and most likely when I do that my HP shows up or sends me help...I must be special. When I am compulsed to be a smarty pants and present myself as having all the answers I ask first..."Could you be wrong" (sponsor again). Don't even attempted to answer that question with a No or you will sit in the canoe with out paddles. There's more however I'm gonna wait and listen for the ones you came up with.
Remember you can always give her hugs and pats on the butt and say "Thanks for your growth". (((((hugs)))))
tiredtonite said
Mar 11, 2017
This really isn't a pass/fail proposition for you or for her unless you care to put that kind of pressure on yourselves. Ultimately, each person is responsible for their own recovery. Your own behavior isn't going to cause her to drink or not to drink. If she chooses to drink, it doesn't have to compromise your serenity unless you are willing to allow that. As much as there's a chance of relapse for either of you, there is a way for each of you to get back on track right away if the willingness is there - getting to a meeting right away, calling another person in the program to talk about it. Try not to worry. I kinda like having the house to myself when my ex was in rehab LOL. All you can do when she gets home is continue to be yourself. It's a good job and nobody else has it. Keep the faith and keep sharing. TT
Rickbrins said
Mar 12, 2017
The weekend visit home went well, my AGF seems to be on a great path and is highly motivated to work her steps. We had quality conversations and she is proud of my progress too. Together, as we work our individual programs, we can have a great future. We have plans on how to address each others fears and triggers. None of which include any aspect of control, just honesty without expectations.
I am far more calm right now. I know fear and confrontation are inevitable, but faith and program tools, as well as the others in the program will help see me through to brighter days.
8 more days left then her inpatient program is over. She will be home developing her program relationships at home as I continue to develop mine. Every step either of us take is a step closer to a life of complete serenity.
A big thank you to my HP, the Al-anon program, my continued education, and all of you!
Iamhere said
Mar 13, 2017
Rick - love that you both are finding your journey success through recovery. It is always great to hear how well it does work when we work it! Congrats. for a good weekend!
el-cee said
Mar 13, 2017
I can imagine that fear. This is one reason I cant live with active alcoholism. Ive surrendered. I know its bigger and more powerful than me and I know that it can take me down to a dark place. I wont go there again. I think two people in recovery could potentially have a great life together and I know some who do. I hope it all works out for you and my suggestion is take it one day at a time, stay in the day, the past is over and the hurt of the past has no power to hurt you again unless you choose to pull it out and relive it. The future cant be seen and so living in the fear of the future takes away the true living for today.
The way I live in today, which I do find hard, is to write gratitude lists, daily readings, write out my fears and any resentments and talk it over with my sponsor. Contact with my higher power and trusting that everything is unfolding just perfectly even if it doesnt quite suit me.
Rickbrins said
Mar 14, 2017
Thank you everyone for your awesome words and for being here when I need to share!
My AGF will be home from her program for the weekend and then in 10 days she will most likely be coming home for good. Right now I am fairly relaxed, although there have been a few triggers coming from family. I am very scared of how things will be when she gets out. She seems to be in a very good mental state and the program is working well for her, but my fear comes from not knowing how well I will be able to control my emotions. Will having her around bring back that rush of memories about how bad things were and send me falling backwards in my recovery and possibly affecting hers too? I hope I will be able to keep my tool kit handy and catch myself as I inevitably fall into my old habits. I am trying to have faith that I have grown in the program and will be able to keep my fears in check. I am counting on my HP to keep me moving in the right direction, but I am very scared at the same time.
I have some major fears in my near future, some that the mere thought of the situation paralyzes me. I am a strong person, but I have let this disease creep up on me and take control. I am learning to take that control back, but I can't do it on my own yet. Thank you all for being here.
((Rick)) Positive thoughts and prayers on the way. Remember not to project and it is always one day at a time.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 11th of March 2017 09:00:35 AM
Hold tight to where you are each moment.....stay present and don't venture to the past or the future....you got this!!
God I love the picture of the MIP family members diving into the pool to keep each other afloat and serene. LOL This does work when we work it. After reading your entry I remembered slogans which were and are soooo strong and helpful for me. Of course the detachment slogan Let go and Let God have it is very good and then my former sponsor standing over my back telling me remember to tell him "Don't React" (my sponsors name was Don't so that slogan carries more weight and mercy. "When in doubt?... Don't" and I was almost always in doubt because my emotions were scrambled so I made no decisions unless I reached serenity and peace of mind first. "If you keep and open mind...you will find help" and most likely when I do that my HP shows up or sends me help...I must be special. When I am compulsed to be a smarty pants and present myself as having all the answers I ask first..."Could you be wrong" (sponsor again). Don't even attempted to answer that question with a No or you will sit in the canoe with out paddles. There's more however I'm gonna wait and listen for the ones you came up with.
Remember you can always give her hugs and pats on the butt and say "Thanks for your growth". (((((hugs)))))
This really isn't a pass/fail proposition for you or for her unless you care to put that kind of pressure on yourselves. Ultimately, each person is responsible for their own recovery. Your own behavior isn't going to cause her to drink or not to drink. If she chooses to drink, it doesn't have to compromise your serenity unless you are willing to allow that. As much as there's a chance of relapse for either of you, there is a way for each of you to get back on track right away if the willingness is there - getting to a meeting right away, calling another person in the program to talk about it. Try not to worry. I kinda like having the house to myself when my ex was in rehab LOL. All you can do when she gets home is continue to be yourself. It's a good job and nobody else has it. Keep the faith and keep sharing. TT
I am far more calm right now. I know fear and confrontation are inevitable, but faith and program tools, as well as the others in the program will help see me through to brighter days.
8 more days left then her inpatient program is over. She will be home developing her program relationships at home as I continue to develop mine. Every step either of us take is a step closer to a life of complete serenity.
A big thank you to my HP, the Al-anon program, my continued education, and all of you!
The way I live in today, which I do find hard, is to write gratitude lists, daily readings, write out my fears and any resentments and talk it over with my sponsor. Contact with my higher power and trusting that everything is unfolding just perfectly even if it doesnt quite suit me.