My AH and I had been getting along very well lately. I had been working my program pretty well and I have even seen it rub off on him a bit. We just had a fantastic vacation together and I came home feeling better about our relationship than I have in a long time. And then yesterday instead of going to work the day after we got home he stayed home one more day while I went to work. I thought it was strange he was hard to reach all day but didn't think much of it. When I got home it took me about 2 minutes to smell the alcohol on his breath notice the stumble in his step and the resentment for me in his voice. And my heart sank. So I decided to utilize my program and do my best to cope in the situation, accept it for what it is and move forward. Our night went as well as can be expected as I kept the focus on myself and off of him. Then in the middle of the night out of nowhere he woke up and was angry with me. We got in a huge argument. The cold hatred for me that seems to lie under the surface when he is drinking spilled out and my old immature confrontational telling him off behaviour flared up. It was the worst argument we have had in a few months. Today I just feel sad. I am now noticing a pattern that bothers me. When he isn't drinking he is much more loving, caring, thoughtful and kind towards me and I toward him. When he's drinking he has this simmering contempt for me and everything I do and say and I am on edge and frustrated with everything. It's the disease that seems to hate me. I try to remind myself of that and I try to step away from it so I don't have to be so exposed but it's getting to me. Maybe it's because I decided to confront the disease last night and I know that is always a losing battle.
Today I'm feeling tired of it all. Tired of living with an active alcoholic. Tired of coming home not knowing what to expect in my own home. Tired of feeling hated by my husband. Tired of being married. Tired of working so hard to feel like it's all crap now. I also didn't sleep last night because of the argument so I'm physically tired. Which is probably a sign that I need to HALT and take care of myself today. I feel all the little resentments in myself building up "He was home all day and didn't lift a finger around the house but I did everything including taking the garbage to the curb with an injured back". See how quick the martyr in me can come out! lol. I know I chose to take the garbage out. No one made me do it. I know I chose to do things around my house and keep it up and that was MY choice.
The sad sorry for myself part of me wants to know how we can go from being so respectful and loving with each other for almost a week away to have so much hatred come out in one night. And it seemed to come out of nowhere. We were on a vacation and his drinking was surprisingly moderate most nights but it feels like he planned this all along. Wait until I am at work and he can be at home and then just get drunk and he thinks he is fooling me. I can tell by his behaviour he thinks he tricked me. I know it's the disease. I know I shouldn't be surprised but I really hate the disease right now.
The good things that happened are I was able to catch myself in my old behaviour and just stop and walk away from the argument eventually. It didn't consume me like it has in the past. I am aware enough to know that my fatigue is probably clouding my mood and feelings about the situation in a negative way so I'm taking care of myself. It was a good reminder to detach a little more. On our vacation I could see myself falling back into my people pleasing enabling ways and it felt so good because that is what I am used to. I've noticed my feelings about my marriage swinging drastically one way and then another. I am handing my marriage over to my higher power and am asking for clarity on it. I know the clarity and the right decision will come to me. I am just giving it time.
hotrod said
Mar 9, 2017
((KT)) this is a dreadful and baffling disease over which we are powerless. I am sorry that the end of vacation ended up badly, but would like to note that you did dig into your Al-Anon tools and protected yourself. This is great progress and as you know it is progress not perfection that we seek.
Remember, we are attempting to live one day at a time ,trusting HP. You have been working a powerful program so that going forward, this incident might enable you to look deeper into your fourth and fifth step.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way
Rickbrins said
Mar 9, 2017
I'm sorry you are having a hard time. ((HUGS)) I can say, from my experience, the hold of the addiction wants an excuse for him to continue his drinking, so the addiction will cause trouble, lie, cheat, any thing it can to justify his dependence on alcohol. As you have seen, when he is sober and away from it, he is very loving and a joy to be around. When the alcohol rears it's ugly head and speaks for him, he is not.
You seem to be doing the right thing by focusing on you during the bad times. It is hard, you are still learning to break with your old habits and it will be easy for you to have set backs. Stick with the program, grasp on to the sayings and other tools that Al-anon teaches us, get a sponsor that you can call to help you steer clear of old habits. All of this will help, but remember, when you fall back to your old ways, "Progress not Perfection"
Also, keep in mind, that in my experience, as the alcohol looses its affect on you and feels like it can no longer justify its existence in the same old ways, it may actually get worse before it gets better. It, not your loving husband, will possibly get more mean and nasty trying to get the reaction it needs to justify it's existence. Possibly this is why your argument was worse than they have been. Maybe it is a sign that you are winning and it is losing.
Get rest, find serenity somewhere, and eat a healthy meal. After that you will find it easier to think clearly and make good decisions.
My thoughts are with you!
-- Edited by Rickbrins on Thursday 9th of March 2017 09:35:32 PM
SerenityRUS said
Mar 9, 2017
Hugs .. change is scary .. all change is scary because it represents the unknown. I find I tend to act out more when it comes to things being good than things being bad because I'm used to the bad stuff vs the good stuff. Even though I really want the good stuff .. it's unknown again unknown = scary for me. I know how to deal with a drunk X .. if he started being all rational .. umm .. yah .. I wouldn't know what to do and I would be vary wary by nature. There is the freedom of just giving stuff over to HP and letting more be revealed on an as need to know basis.
The thing I love about the program is the permission it gives me to stop and start my day over at any point and time .. I get up have a bad moment .. boom there it is .. start over .. I can stop, evaluate myself and see if maybe I need to attend some of my own needs first. 10 min before bed .. boom .. start over.
My behavior doesn't have to be affected by someone else was an incredibly freeing feeling. That was a pure gift of alanon and realizing I had the power to make a conscious choice not to respond to other people's crazy.
This is a great topic because I am dealing with it at the moment.
Thanks for sharing :) Hugs S :)
shrnp said
Mar 9, 2017
KT2015,
It is good that you were able to begin applying the things you have learned in Alanon. It sounds like you had a great vacation, and I am sorry this is happening now. I have found that alcoholism brings out a lot of misplaced anger and resentment. My qualifier had a love-hate relationship with me, one minute he loved me, but when he was drinking a lot he hated me. Unfortunately, they get disappointed with themselves and blame other people. One thing that I am learning is to separate the good times from the bad, and not letting a totally different drunken incident spoil something I have fond memories of. The same would apply to expectations that alcohol is going to spoil something in the future. We have to learn to start over whether it is a new day or a new hour for some of us. I hope things get better real soon.
Iamhere said
Mar 9, 2017
(((KT2015))) - sending you tons of thoughts and prayers - I love that you 'see' that you are tired and HALT was considered. I love that you recognize how the disease is so cunning, powerful and constant in us all. I totally understand where you are today - I've referred to it as the emotional hangover that happens when the unexpected arrives without warning. Even when I am able to refrain from my old habits and patterns, I still am affected because it's so hard to watch those we love be in pain - and I believe that alcoholics seek altering substances due to some undefined or uncontrollable inner pain.
Be gentle with you and keep doing what you're doing. When you are better rested, it may help you to make a gratitude list and an asset list. There have been times when I've actually had things like, "We had 3 days of peace between flair-ups on my lists" because my sponsor kept pointing out to me that I really need to focus on what's working vs. what's broken.
A huge part of me still wants to lean towards the old tapes in my brain when there is chaos circling around me. I'm one who one negative thought can have me projecting gloom/doom all around me so the sooner I can take action to change my attitude, the shorter my hangover is.
I am glad to hear that you had a nice vacation - even if the end was different than desired - you got away, and had a good time!! We're here as best we can be - thank you for your share!
2HP said
Mar 9, 2017
Thank you for your post which is helping me while I'm away on vacation (((hugs)))
I remember so well what you describe... things start going so well in the relationship and I would start thinking he probably isn't really an alcoholic or whew! I'm so glad that's all behind us now. And when it cycled back around again, my life would become unmanageable again.
It certainly helped me to "understand" alcoholism so that I didn't have to take it all personally.... it looked like my husband hated "me" but it was his disease getting restless. Harmony was always short lived. When I came to see the pattern... it often started with him trolling me for an arguement... like inviting me to step into the boxing ring and have a knock-down, drag-out fight with him... Once I saw that pattern, I learned to avoid biting the hook. I learned to NOT put the boxing gloves on because there was no fight unless I engaged in it. I learned to accept that conflict will always be there and I could begin to own my power again and feel stronger and more relaxed by backing up... backing up... backing up... and NOT allowing myself to get sucked in to the dis-ease. How often I allowed his disease to trigger my own.
I value the suggestion of 4th step work because this is always what gives me something I can work on, I no longer feel so helpless. Since nothing is going to change but me, I welcome finding out the error I make in the loss of my own serenity.... my serenity is my responsibility. how often my thinking became flawed, I'd start thinking that an alcoholic should NOT be acting like one and that is insane. It doesn't make him a bad person, it makes him a sick one.
And I don't have to like it. I do have to accept it because my serenity is in direct proportion to my level of acceptance. when I stop fighting with reality, I am in a better place to make good decisions for myself.
God bless you, my friend, I so admire the work you put into your recovery (((hugs)))
KT2015 said
Mar 10, 2017
Oh thank you everyone for your responses. I get so much strength from all of you on this board. I am currently working the 4th step with my sponsor. I find the 4th step really difficult. Looking at my bad behaviour makes me squirm but I keep pushing through because I know I will grow from it.
I can't even point out one of your comments that was helpful because they were all helpful. I am well rested today. Some rest and time to look at it from a different perspective helped. My part in all of this is that I assumed that a good vacation meant all our problems were gone. I think I slipped right back into my old pattern of denial until reality came crashing back on me again. One of the things I tend to do is burry my head in the sand. "If I pretend that everything is ok then everything is ok". Kind of a sick way to live now that I've found a different way. But just slipping back into that for a short time allowing the fantasy to take over even for a moment didn't help me when the disease reared it's ugly head again. So I'm back to loving detachment. It's not all doom and gloom nor is it all sunshine and roses. It is what it is and I'm working more on living life on life's terms.
Hugs to all of you and thank you all for your support!
2HP said
Mar 10, 2017
I once feared the 4th step too. It felt like something I had to "do" to myself until I learned it was something I do "for" myself. It is not about flogging myself. If I am beating myself up, I can be sure I am going backwards and I know this because god never punishes me... my own actions cause the suffering. And that is why I work this step, to find out how I can stop the suffering. The fourth step is where I get insight and power. I can't surrender anything to God (in the following steps) unless I know what I am doing that is not working.
Every spiritual path is about knowing thyself. When I look at this step in that light... that knowing myself through step 4 will lead to more freedom and peace and joy..... I embraced it. As a result, I have a mountain of notebooks under my bed, lol
I sit here inspired by your willingness and cheering you on (((hugs)))
My AH and I had been getting along very well lately. I had been working my program pretty well and I have even seen it rub off on him a bit. We just had a fantastic vacation together and I came home feeling better about our relationship than I have in a long time. And then yesterday instead of going to work the day after we got home he stayed home one more day while I went to work. I thought it was strange he was hard to reach all day but didn't think much of it. When I got home it took me about 2 minutes to smell the alcohol on his breath notice the stumble in his step and the resentment for me in his voice. And my heart sank. So I decided to utilize my program and do my best to cope in the situation, accept it for what it is and move forward. Our night went as well as can be expected as I kept the focus on myself and off of him. Then in the middle of the night out of nowhere he woke up and was angry with me. We got in a huge argument. The cold hatred for me that seems to lie under the surface when he is drinking spilled out and my old immature confrontational telling him off behaviour flared up. It was the worst argument we have had in a few months. Today I just feel sad. I am now noticing a pattern that bothers me. When he isn't drinking he is much more loving, caring, thoughtful and kind towards me and I toward him. When he's drinking he has this simmering contempt for me and everything I do and say and I am on edge and frustrated with everything. It's the disease that seems to hate me. I try to remind myself of that and I try to step away from it so I don't have to be so exposed but it's getting to me. Maybe it's because I decided to confront the disease last night and I know that is always a losing battle.
Today I'm feeling tired of it all. Tired of living with an active alcoholic. Tired of coming home not knowing what to expect in my own home. Tired of feeling hated by my husband. Tired of being married. Tired of working so hard to feel like it's all crap now. I also didn't sleep last night because of the argument so I'm physically tired. Which is probably a sign that I need to HALT and take care of myself today. I feel all the little resentments in myself building up "He was home all day and didn't lift a finger around the house but I did everything including taking the garbage to the curb with an injured back". See how quick the martyr in me can come out! lol. I know I chose to take the garbage out. No one made me do it. I know I chose to do things around my house and keep it up and that was MY choice.
The sad sorry for myself part of me wants to know how we can go from being so respectful and loving with each other for almost a week away to have so much hatred come out in one night. And it seemed to come out of nowhere. We were on a vacation and his drinking was surprisingly moderate most nights but it feels like he planned this all along. Wait until I am at work and he can be at home and then just get drunk and he thinks he is fooling me. I can tell by his behaviour he thinks he tricked me. I know it's the disease. I know I shouldn't be surprised but I really hate the disease right now.
The good things that happened are I was able to catch myself in my old behaviour and just stop and walk away from the argument eventually. It didn't consume me like it has in the past. I am aware enough to know that my fatigue is probably clouding my mood and feelings about the situation in a negative way so I'm taking care of myself. It was a good reminder to detach a little more. On our vacation I could see myself falling back into my people pleasing enabling ways and it felt so good because that is what I am used to. I've noticed my feelings about my marriage swinging drastically one way and then another. I am handing my marriage over to my higher power and am asking for clarity on it. I know the clarity and the right decision will come to me. I am just giving it time.
((KT)) this is a dreadful and baffling disease over which we are powerless. I am sorry that the end of vacation ended up badly, but would like to note that you did dig into your Al-Anon tools and protected yourself. This is great progress and as you know it is progress not perfection that we seek.
Remember, we are attempting to live one day at a time ,trusting HP. You have been working a powerful program so that going forward, this incident might enable you to look deeper into your fourth and fifth step.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way
I'm sorry you are having a hard time. ((HUGS)) I can say, from my experience, the hold of the addiction wants an excuse for him to continue his drinking, so the addiction will cause trouble, lie, cheat, any thing it can to justify his dependence on alcohol. As you have seen, when he is sober and away from it, he is very loving and a joy to be around. When the alcohol rears it's ugly head and speaks for him, he is not.
You seem to be doing the right thing by focusing on you during the bad times. It is hard, you are still learning to break with your old habits and it will be easy for you to have set backs. Stick with the program, grasp on to the sayings and other tools that Al-anon teaches us, get a sponsor that you can call to help you steer clear of old habits. All of this will help, but remember, when you fall back to your old ways, "Progress not Perfection"
Also, keep in mind, that in my experience, as the alcohol looses its affect on you and feels like it can no longer justify its existence in the same old ways, it may actually get worse before it gets better. It, not your loving husband, will possibly get more mean and nasty trying to get the reaction it needs to justify it's existence. Possibly this is why your argument was worse than they have been. Maybe it is a sign that you are winning and it is losing.
Get rest, find serenity somewhere, and eat a healthy meal. After that you will find it easier to think clearly and make good decisions.
My thoughts are with you!
-- Edited by Rickbrins on Thursday 9th of March 2017 09:35:32 PM
The thing I love about the program is the permission it gives me to stop and start my day over at any point and time .. I get up have a bad moment .. boom there it is .. start over .. I can stop, evaluate myself and see if maybe I need to attend some of my own needs first. 10 min before bed .. boom .. start over.
My behavior doesn't have to be affected by someone else was an incredibly freeing feeling. That was a pure gift of alanon and realizing I had the power to make a conscious choice not to respond to other people's crazy.
This is a great topic because I am dealing with it at the moment.
Thanks for sharing :) Hugs S :)
It is good that you were able to begin applying the things you have learned in Alanon. It sounds like you had a great vacation, and I am sorry this is happening now. I have found that alcoholism brings out a lot of misplaced anger and resentment. My qualifier had a love-hate relationship with me, one minute he loved me, but when he was drinking a lot he hated me. Unfortunately, they get disappointed with themselves and blame other people. One thing that I am learning is to separate the good times from the bad, and not letting a totally different drunken incident spoil something I have fond memories of. The same would apply to expectations that alcohol is going to spoil something in the future. We have to learn to start over whether it is a new day or a new hour for some of us. I hope things get better real soon.
Be gentle with you and keep doing what you're doing. When you are better rested, it may help you to make a gratitude list and an asset list. There have been times when I've actually had things like, "We had 3 days of peace between flair-ups on my lists" because my sponsor kept pointing out to me that I really need to focus on what's working vs. what's broken.
A huge part of me still wants to lean towards the old tapes in my brain when there is chaos circling around me. I'm one who one negative thought can have me projecting gloom/doom all around me so the sooner I can take action to change my attitude, the shorter my hangover is.
I am glad to hear that you had a nice vacation - even if the end was different than desired - you got away, and had a good time!! We're here as best we can be - thank you for your share!
I remember so well what you describe... things start going so well in the relationship and I would start thinking he probably isn't really an alcoholic or whew! I'm so glad that's all behind us now. And when it cycled back around again, my life would become unmanageable again.
It certainly helped me to "understand" alcoholism so that I didn't have to take it all personally.... it looked like my husband hated "me" but it was his disease getting restless. Harmony was always short lived. When I came to see the pattern... it often started with him trolling me for an arguement... like inviting me to step into the boxing ring and have a knock-down, drag-out fight with him... Once I saw that pattern, I learned to avoid biting the hook. I learned to NOT put the boxing gloves on because there was no fight unless I engaged in it. I learned to accept that conflict will always be there and I could begin to own my power again and feel stronger and more relaxed by backing up... backing up... backing up... and NOT allowing myself to get sucked in to the dis-ease. How often I allowed his disease to trigger my own.
I value the suggestion of 4th step work because this is always what gives me something I can work on, I no longer feel so helpless. Since nothing is going to change but me, I welcome finding out the error I make in the loss of my own serenity.... my serenity is my responsibility. how often my thinking became flawed, I'd start thinking that an alcoholic should NOT be acting like one and that is insane. It doesn't make him a bad person, it makes him a sick one.
And I don't have to like it. I do have to accept it because my serenity is in direct proportion to my level of acceptance. when I stop fighting with reality, I am in a better place to make good decisions for myself.
God bless you, my friend, I so admire the work you put into your recovery (((hugs)))
I can't even point out one of your comments that was helpful because they were all helpful. I am well rested today. Some rest and time to look at it from a different perspective helped. My part in all of this is that I assumed that a good vacation meant all our problems were gone. I think I slipped right back into my old pattern of denial until reality came crashing back on me again. One of the things I tend to do is burry my head in the sand. "If I pretend that everything is ok then everything is ok". Kind of a sick way to live now that I've found a different way. But just slipping back into that for a short time allowing the fantasy to take over even for a moment didn't help me when the disease reared it's ugly head again. So I'm back to loving detachment. It's not all doom and gloom nor is it all sunshine and roses. It is what it is and I'm working more on living life on life's terms.
Hugs to all of you and thank you all for your support!
Every spiritual path is about knowing thyself. When I look at this step in that light... that knowing myself through step 4 will lead to more freedom and peace and joy..... I embraced it. As a result, I have a mountain of notebooks under my bed, lol
I sit here inspired by your willingness and cheering you on (((hugs)))