My AF emailed today to say that he and my step-mother are separating. I don't have all the details, but I knew something like this was coming. I don't know if the decision was mutual or otherwise. I have a lot of respect for my step-mother and I wouldn't blame her at all if she was just fed up with my father's alcoholism. He admits he's an alcoholic, but doesn't appear to have made much (if any) progress toward recovery.
Being that he's retired and not in the best health, I am very worried about what comes next. Part of me wants to swoop in and try to rescue him. Of course, my own sickness will make that "rescue" take the form of trying to control him, second guess him, and resent him when he doesn't do what I think he should do. I know that will do neither of us any good.
On a more selfish note, I'm tired of his illness being this ever-widening black hole that seems to have taken up more and more space in our family dynamic. It's the elephant in the room all the time, in every interaction, with everyone in the family and it's exhausting. I'm going to try to be mindful of the Three C's, not being enabling, practicing the pause, and boundaries. I have realized lately that my father has not really had to deal with the consequences of the way he treats other people.
I love my father, but I just can't get drawn into the insanity that is caused when his illness and my sickness interact.
hotrod said
Mar 9, 2017
Hi Mikkil I am sorry to read of this new development and can understand your concern. Alcoholism is a dreadful fatal disease over which we are powerless.
This disease is impossible to handle, without the support and understanding of a a recovery program Face to face meetings helped me to develop new constructive tools to live by and enabled me to offer compassion and respect to the alcoholic i urge you to attend there is hope
Iamhere said
Mar 9, 2017
(((Hugs))) to you Mikhail - so sorry for the present situation you are processing resulting from the disease. When things around me are created a 'dust up', my first course of action is to lean into the program as best I can. That for me includes more reading, more meetings, more fellowship and/or some serious writing. My heart still battles my program when someone I care about is in pain - no matter the cause.
I've got a son that I evicted and he got fired from his job after 3+ years. I have no doubt that he's spiraling out of control and that I am powerless. In working with my sponsor, I've written a special prayer for him that I'm saying as he comes into my mind. I've also let him know I am here if he wants to seek recovery and have asked that he text/call every few days so I know he's alive.
While this sounds dreadfully cold (as I write it), it's just where we are with the dance of the disease. I have to keep reminding myself that my absolute best course of action with an active drunk is unconditional love from across the street. I've made it clear that I love him dearly and will support him but not enable him.
My sponsor pointed out to me that I can reach out like this without offering a life-line. Hope this helps you - helped me to write it out!
Mikhail said
Mar 9, 2017
Thank you both for your replies. They're exactly what I needed to hear right now.
My AF emailed today to say that he and my step-mother are separating. I don't have all the details, but I knew something like this was coming. I don't know if the decision was mutual or otherwise. I have a lot of respect for my step-mother and I wouldn't blame her at all if she was just fed up with my father's alcoholism. He admits he's an alcoholic, but doesn't appear to have made much (if any) progress toward recovery.
Being that he's retired and not in the best health, I am very worried about what comes next. Part of me wants to swoop in and try to rescue him. Of course, my own sickness will make that "rescue" take the form of trying to control him, second guess him, and resent him when he doesn't do what I think he should do. I know that will do neither of us any good.
On a more selfish note, I'm tired of his illness being this ever-widening black hole that seems to have taken up more and more space in our family dynamic. It's the elephant in the room all the time, in every interaction, with everyone in the family and it's exhausting. I'm going to try to be mindful of the Three C's, not being enabling, practicing the pause, and boundaries. I have realized lately that my father has not really had to deal with the consequences of the way he treats other people.
I love my father, but I just can't get drawn into the insanity that is caused when his illness and my sickness interact.
This disease is impossible to handle, without the support and understanding of a a recovery program Face to face meetings helped me to develop new constructive tools to live by and enabled me to offer compassion and respect to the alcoholic i urge you to attend there is hope
I've got a son that I evicted and he got fired from his job after 3+ years. I have no doubt that he's spiraling out of control and that I am powerless. In working with my sponsor, I've written a special prayer for him that I'm saying as he comes into my mind. I've also let him know I am here if he wants to seek recovery and have asked that he text/call every few days so I know he's alive.
While this sounds dreadfully cold (as I write it), it's just where we are with the dance of the disease. I have to keep reminding myself that my absolute best course of action with an active drunk is unconditional love from across the street. I've made it clear that I love him dearly and will support him but not enable him.
My sponsor pointed out to me that I can reach out like this without offering a life-line. Hope this helps you - helped me to write it out!