I'm reluctant to be intimate now that he's sober...again
WrenT said
Mar 7, 2017
We've been married 12 years, have 3 children, and he's been an alcoholic for the past 3.5 years. It all started with him being on workman's comp for 6 months, and then losing his job shortly after getting back to work. Then a length of unemployment, followed by a crappy low-paying non-consistent job with heavy drinkers that all sent him down the depression, pushing away friends and family, snowball into sleeping 18 hours a day, drunk when awake, not working, drinking whatever money he made plus mine, quick slide into monetary debt. He finally hit what he thought was rock bottom - tremors, paranoia, hallucinations, panic attacks, and I got him into the CATS program for 5 days in in-patient treatment. He got out, was sober for about 3 months, then took up drinking again for no apparent reason. I couldn't get him to go to AA or any kind of support programs. He'd go cold turkey to sober up, be good for a couple days, weeks, month or two, then relapse again. He went to the VA for another in-patient stint of 5 days, and then resumed the cycle again. He got picked up for a DUI two days before Xmas and we're currently still going through the court appearances for that. This is all just backstory. The topic I wanted to hopefully get input on is the intimacy side of things. Since he started his decline, my sex-drive slowly went down. On occasion, when trying to "bargain" with him, I'd offer it as a bargaining chip, to keep him sober. It didn't have as much power over him as alcohol, and I always came out of it feeling as if I'd cheapened our whole relationship by pimping myself out to him in exchange for his sobriety. Which in turn made me want to have less relations with him. Having sex with him drunk, I'd find myself rolling my eyes and wishing he'd just finish already, breathing beer fumes in my face the whole time. I started making sure the lights were always off and the room dark so he couldn't see me do it. And in the times he was sober, I would flip-flop between holding out on sex to push the issue of needing to build up trust that I'd lost in him constantly relapsing, and getting in what I could in an effort to show him what he could be having if he stayed sober. I know now how much of an enabler I was being and neither tack were the right response. He's currently 10 days sober, going to AA meetings daily or sometimes twice a day, and things are slowly "normalizing" again. He's been giving me blatant hints that "it's been a while" (over a month) but there is such a lack of trust in him on my part, I don't know what to do. I would love to open up to him again and rekindle our sex life (we didn't have 3 kids for lack of practice - lol) but the fear of him relapsing again keeps my libido tightly in check. I would absolutely LOVE if he could show me affection in other ways, maybe to soften me to him again (coming home to a clean house would do a world of wonders, as he's currently unemployed again), but anytime I suggest such things to him, he shrugs or laughs it off or ignores it. Any suggestions???
shrnp said
Mar 7, 2017
You are not alone, sex when someone else is drunk is not pleasant. I don't think they understand it.
Iamhere said
Mar 7, 2017
What I've learned in recovery is setting boundaries is about me - self-protection and not about anything else. Also, I had to learn to say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean. I had no issues suggesting I would have more energy for intimacy if I had less on my plate (job + kids + housework + grocery shopping + laundry + ....................... = no energy remaining!!!)
There is nothing wrong with making 'it' about you! You have a right to suggest that you aren't feeling intimacy right now due to stress, low energy, etc. I statements are very telling when trying to rebuild trust and communication. Understand that both sides using I statements are fair - he may/may not be able to express this way yet.
Look into yourself and determine what your motives are and what makes best sense for you, just for today. I totally understand unappealing sex with one smelling of booze - yuck...yuck and yuck again! I had to learn to not say things like, "You don't have a job....can you at least pick up the house?" And instead say, "It would be very helpful for me if you could tidy things up today while I am at work." I really had to learn that what is important to me (a clean house) is not always equally important to others (golf, video games, reading a book, couch potato). Yet, when I was able to to use I statements and really ask for help, 9/10 times - it happened.
I am fortunate - my sponsor is Al-Anon, AA and a licensed counselor...I truly feel blessed as she's shown me how to be a gentler, kinder person! Good luck - pray about it and the answers/words will come!
milkwood said
Mar 8, 2017
Hello Wren, Welcome to MIP.
I think that you have described a great way to go about resolving this problem (one that I share with you by the way). You've said that you would love it if your partner could, for a while, show you his affection and appreciation in other ways. This might not be easy for him, especially in early days of sobriety, but there is no reason why you should have to use your body as a bargaining chip with anyone and your own self-esteem may need to be restored with some simple, gentle, loving behaviour.
However, this is putting all the power in our husbands' hands, and the chances of this loving behaviour lasting long enough to woo us are slim in the early days of sobriety. There is a lot of other important stuff going on there. I found that it was so much better to use this time to learn how to be affectionate to myself. After all, we can't give from an empty cup and I was running on empty. I needed topping up with some good stuff!
So I would suggest that you treat yourself in ways that show affection and care for yourself... This can be asking for a cleaner house when you get back from work, or, perhaps more realistically, hiring a cleaner for a day now and then.
You've been through a lot on this rollercoaster and, for me, it was absolutely essential that I treated myself with respect, forgiveness and the protection. I needed to take back some control over my life as well. I resolved to sooth myself in some way every single day - whether it was a hot bubble bath, a small holiday, clean pretty bedlinen, a nice walk or a bunch of flowers. Without those gifts I would feel bitter, depressed and hard done by, and that is not who I want to be. Also, if I am not liking me then I don't really 'feel up for it' either. So on lots of different levels this pattern of self care has helped.
It is not easy to change the habits of a lifetime and Al Anon has really helped by giving me tools and slogans that remind me to check my motives and needs. I love it! Sending (((((hugs))))))
We've been married 12 years, have 3 children, and he's been an alcoholic for the past 3.5 years. It all started with him being on workman's comp for 6 months, and then losing his job shortly after getting back to work. Then a length of unemployment, followed by a crappy low-paying non-consistent job with heavy drinkers that all sent him down the depression, pushing away friends and family, snowball into sleeping 18 hours a day, drunk when awake, not working, drinking whatever money he made plus mine, quick slide into monetary debt. He finally hit what he thought was rock bottom - tremors, paranoia, hallucinations, panic attacks, and I got him into the CATS program for 5 days in in-patient treatment. He got out, was sober for about 3 months, then took up drinking again for no apparent reason. I couldn't get him to go to AA or any kind of support programs. He'd go cold turkey to sober up, be good for a couple days, weeks, month or two, then relapse again. He went to the VA for another in-patient stint of 5 days, and then resumed the cycle again. He got picked up for a DUI two days before Xmas and we're currently still going through the court appearances for that. This is all just backstory. The topic I wanted to hopefully get input on is the intimacy side of things. Since he started his decline, my sex-drive slowly went down. On occasion, when trying to "bargain" with him, I'd offer it as a bargaining chip, to keep him sober. It didn't have as much power over him as alcohol, and I always came out of it feeling as if I'd cheapened our whole relationship by pimping myself out to him in exchange for his sobriety. Which in turn made me want to have less relations with him. Having sex with him drunk, I'd find myself rolling my eyes and wishing he'd just finish already, breathing beer fumes in my face the whole time. I started making sure the lights were always off and the room dark so he couldn't see me do it. And in the times he was sober, I would flip-flop between holding out on sex to push the issue of needing to build up trust that I'd lost in him constantly relapsing, and getting in what I could in an effort to show him what he could be having if he stayed sober. I know now how much of an enabler I was being and neither tack were the right response. He's currently 10 days sober, going to AA meetings daily or sometimes twice a day, and things are slowly "normalizing" again. He's been giving me blatant hints that "it's been a while" (over a month) but there is such a lack of trust in him on my part, I don't know what to do. I would love to open up to him again and rekindle our sex life (we didn't have 3 kids for lack of practice - lol) but the fear of him relapsing again keeps my libido tightly in check. I would absolutely LOVE if he could show me affection in other ways, maybe to soften me to him again (coming home to a clean house would do a world of wonders, as he's currently unemployed again), but anytime I suggest such things to him, he shrugs or laughs it off or ignores it. Any suggestions???
You are not alone, sex when someone else is drunk is not pleasant. I don't think they understand it.
There is nothing wrong with making 'it' about you! You have a right to suggest that you aren't feeling intimacy right now due to stress, low energy, etc. I statements are very telling when trying to rebuild trust and communication. Understand that both sides using I statements are fair - he may/may not be able to express this way yet.
Look into yourself and determine what your motives are and what makes best sense for you, just for today. I totally understand unappealing sex with one smelling of booze - yuck...yuck and yuck again! I had to learn to not say things like, "You don't have a job....can you at least pick up the house?" And instead say, "It would be very helpful for me if you could tidy things up today while I am at work." I really had to learn that what is important to me (a clean house) is not always equally important to others (golf, video games, reading a book, couch potato). Yet, when I was able to to use I statements and really ask for help, 9/10 times - it happened.
I am fortunate - my sponsor is Al-Anon, AA and a licensed counselor...I truly feel blessed as she's shown me how to be a gentler, kinder person! Good luck - pray about it and the answers/words will come!
I think that you have described a great way to go about resolving this problem (one that I share with you by the way). You've said that you would love it if your partner could, for a while, show you his affection and appreciation in other ways. This might not be easy for him, especially in early days of sobriety, but there is no reason why you should have to use your body as a bargaining chip with anyone and your own self-esteem may need to be restored with some simple, gentle, loving behaviour.
However, this is putting all the power in our husbands' hands, and the chances of this loving behaviour lasting long enough to woo us are slim in the early days of sobriety. There is a lot of other important stuff going on there. I found that it was so much better to use this time to learn how to be affectionate to myself. After all, we can't give from an empty cup and I was running on empty. I needed topping up with some good stuff!
So I would suggest that you treat yourself in ways that show affection and care for yourself... This can be asking for a cleaner house when you get back from work, or, perhaps more realistically, hiring a cleaner for a day now and then.
You've been through a lot on this rollercoaster and, for me, it was absolutely essential that I treated myself with respect, forgiveness and the protection. I needed to take back some control over my life as well. I resolved to sooth myself in some way every single day - whether it was a hot bubble bath, a small holiday, clean pretty bedlinen, a nice walk or a bunch of flowers. Without those gifts I would feel bitter, depressed and hard done by, and that is not who I want to be. Also, if I am not liking me then I don't really 'feel up for it' either. So on lots of different levels this pattern of self care has helped.
It is not easy to change the habits of a lifetime and Al Anon has really helped by giving me tools and slogans that remind me to check my motives and needs. I love it! Sending (((((hugs))))))