Hi all .I just joined this group and I have never been to an al anon meeting before.I know,from reading different articles,that I am definitely a co dependent.
Reality hit me like a ton of bricks these ten days and I have finally had to come out of denial. My husband left a bar Friday night,got a room,with a lady in tow.He preceded to rent another room the next day,had the same lady over.He shut off phone,did not return home until Tuesday,drunk,wearing same clothes,going on about that woman just happened to be there,its not what I think.He didnt call me because he knew i would growl.
i basically said I slept 2 hours a night,its a small town,and I knew about the woman.He got defensive,that I would think he had sex.It hasnt been good.He is a very heavy drinker,with his own shop,so yesterday was the first day he was sober since,and he slept all day.He was talking to her everyday when drunk.
i think I probably made a mistake,by having all his belongings put in spare room,when he got home,I shouldve removed myself from the bedroom.I thought it was good at the time because he has stayed out all night before and I hated laying next to him with all the resentment I had.
My question is this,even if there was no sex,isnt that still not cheating and showing me disrespect.Whenever I have had doubts about his infidelity,hes always very drunk,when it happens.Does the alcohol help in bringing on this kind of cheating or whatever its called?
Iamhere said
Mar 6, 2017
Welcome to MIP marie - glad you found us and glad that you shared. For alcoholics, nothing is off limits when the disease is active. Not all act/do/are the same, but it's safe to say that an active alcoholic is sick spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally. Al-Anon would be helpful for you as you could find like minded folks who can share their ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) with you in support.
Alcoholism is considered a family disease as we are also affected. Working on your own recovery from the affects of the disease will help you work through the disease, how it affects you and how powerless we truly are over what another does or says!
Keep coming back - glad you are here!
hotrod said
Mar 6, 2017
Welocme Marie, As IAH has stated, alcoholism is a progressive, chronic , fatal disease over which we are powerless. Alanon is the recovery program for family members who have lived with the insanity of the disease and developed negative coping tools to survive. It was here that I broke the isolation caused by living in the insanity , and developed new tools ot live by. You are not alone and there is hope
Jerry F said
Mar 6, 2017
It happens with men also...my wife did what your husband has and low and behold the awareness that I got remembering that when she drank and used she would bed with every Tom, Dick and Harry and then....Jerry F. That is how our relationship started so I woke up. I learned in the program that alcoholism isn't a moral issue it is a AMA recognized disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotion that if not arrested totally by total abstinence results in insanity and/or death. My wife and I both have come close to those doors. I am also a former alcoholism and substance abuse therapist and from experience the most successful process toward serenity and sobriety are the 12 step programs of Al-Anon and AA. Please stick around this MIP family and join with us as we work toward our recoveries. You are in the insanity stage of Alcoholism and if or when you are feeling crazy about it...that's normal. Find the face to face meetings also in your area and go quick. (((((hugs)))))
Hurtwife11 said
Mar 7, 2017
My husband did the same to me. And once we got and interventionist to talk to him he finally left for rehab 5 weeks ago. But right before he left i found out he spent all our savings on strip clubs, alcohol and drugs. I knew he cheated on me once before and forgave him, why? because i love him. But all it did I found was I enabled him to keep down the same ugly path he was on. My husband may be in rehab, but it doesn't take away the pain in your heart. Thats for sure.
I learned that the addict is a true manipulator and will lie to get what he wants. And don't let him make you feel lesser than, because it is a disease and he needs help. Take care of yourself. Thats what I'm doing, focusing on me and my kids. I pray that you are able to find peace.
Bettertomorrow said
Mar 7, 2017
Welcome Marie92.
I too am very new to Al Anon (just 4 meetings so far), but it has already helping me tremendously. One of the posts on this board called 'slot machine' was really powerful for me. I realised that my AH has been giving me just enough affection / periods of sober etc. that I remained hooked into a co-dependant relationship with him and in the meantime my own self esteem dropped bit by bit and day by day until I found myself accepting things which years ago would have been totally unacceptable to me. By detaching from him (and by that I mean detaching my emotional response) and focusing on building my own self worth and self esteem (it is early days and it is still hard for me to do), but I can already feel myself getting a different perspective about what I do and don't want out of MY life. You asked the question about whether your husband staying away with another woman or not was cheating or not. Al Anon will help you support yourself, so that the answer to those type of questions will become clearer or even irrelevant, because the focus will be on your recovery. Lots of hugs.
Iamhere said
Mar 7, 2017
Welcome to MIP Hurtwife - glad that you found us and glad that you joined right in. Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
el-cee said
Mar 7, 2017
''My question is this,even if there was no sex,isnt that still not cheating and showing me disrespect.Whenever I have had doubts about his infidelity,hes always very drunk,when it happens.Does the alcohol help in bringing on this kind of cheating or whatever its called?''
Of course, his behaviour is completely unacceptable. Driven by alcoholism, yes, excusable, no. He will say anything to continue fully in his disease. Whether he had sex or not is not really the issue. Of course its important, now, you need to think of STD's but ultimately it sounds like he is deep in his disease and the disease will drive him to do and say whatever to allow it all to continue. Thats his mission and its pretty simple really. Alcoholism isnt that complex when you learn about it. The behaviours become pretty predictable, lying, cheating, the lot goes hand in hand.
It gets tricky when it comes to us. We are effected, the whole family is. We lose touch with reality, we get all mixed up in the crisises and confusion reigns and before we know it we are focussing in on the irrelevant issues and looking for any way to justify our own inaction in the whole big mess. So the whole thing 'Did he have sex or not' Isnt the point at all but its the distraction.
I recommend Alanon, get some face to face support, break the shame and isolation from this or it goes on and on forever really. We get addicted to the excited misery and we could live this way forever if we so chose. I chose not too along with thousands around the world through Alanon.
Hi all .I just joined this group and I have never been to an al anon meeting before.I know,from reading different articles,that I am definitely a co dependent.
Reality hit me like a ton of bricks these ten days and I have finally had to come out of denial. My husband left a bar Friday night,got a room,with a lady in tow.He preceded to rent another room the next day,had the same lady over.He shut off phone,did not return home until Tuesday,drunk,wearing same clothes,going on about that woman just happened to be there,its not what I think.He didnt call me because he knew i would growl.
i basically said I slept 2 hours a night,its a small town,and I knew about the woman.He got defensive,that I would think he had sex.It hasnt been good.He is a very heavy drinker,with his own shop,so yesterday was the first day he was sober since,and he slept all day.He was talking to her everyday when drunk.
i think I probably made a mistake,by having all his belongings put in spare room,when he got home,I shouldve removed myself from the bedroom.I thought it was good at the time because he has stayed out all night before and I hated laying next to him with all the resentment I had.
My question is this,even if there was no sex,isnt that still not cheating and showing me disrespect.Whenever I have had doubts about his infidelity,hes always very drunk,when it happens.Does the alcohol help in bringing on this kind of cheating or whatever its called?
Alcoholism is considered a family disease as we are also affected. Working on your own recovery from the affects of the disease will help you work through the disease, how it affects you and how powerless we truly are over what another does or says!
Keep coming back - glad you are here!
It happens with men also...my wife did what your husband has and low and behold the awareness that I got remembering that when she drank and used she would bed with every Tom, Dick and Harry and then....Jerry F. That is how our relationship started so I woke up. I learned in the program that alcoholism isn't a moral issue it is a AMA recognized disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotion that if not arrested totally by total abstinence results in insanity and/or death. My wife and I both have come close to those doors. I am also a former alcoholism and substance abuse therapist and from experience the most successful process toward serenity and sobriety are the 12 step programs of Al-Anon and AA. Please stick around this MIP family and join with us as we work toward our recoveries. You are in the insanity stage of Alcoholism and if or when you are feeling crazy about it...that's normal. Find the face to face meetings also in your area and go quick. (((((hugs)))))
My husband did the same to me. And once we got and interventionist to talk to him he finally left for rehab 5 weeks ago. But right before he left i found out he spent all our savings on strip clubs, alcohol and drugs. I knew he cheated on me once before and forgave him, why? because i love him. But all it did I found was I enabled him to keep down the same ugly path he was on. My husband may be in rehab, but it doesn't take away the pain in your heart. Thats for sure.
I learned that the addict is a true manipulator and will lie to get what he wants. And don't let him make you feel lesser than, because it is a disease and he needs help. Take care of yourself. Thats what I'm doing, focusing on me and my kids. I pray that you are able to find peace.
Welcome Marie92.
I too am very new to Al Anon (just 4 meetings so far), but it has already helping me tremendously. One of the posts on this board called 'slot machine' was really powerful for me. I realised that my AH has been giving me just enough affection / periods of sober etc. that I remained hooked into a co-dependant relationship with him and in the meantime my own self esteem dropped bit by bit and day by day until I found myself accepting things which years ago would have been totally unacceptable to me. By detaching from him (and by that I mean detaching my emotional response) and focusing on building my own self worth and self esteem (it is early days and it is still hard for me to do), but I can already feel myself getting a different perspective about what I do and don't want out of MY life. You asked the question about whether your husband staying away with another woman or not was cheating or not. Al Anon will help you support yourself, so that the answer to those type of questions will become clearer or even irrelevant, because the focus will be on your recovery. Lots of hugs.
Of course, his behaviour is completely unacceptable. Driven by alcoholism, yes, excusable, no. He will say anything to continue fully in his disease. Whether he had sex or not is not really the issue. Of course its important, now, you need to think of STD's but ultimately it sounds like he is deep in his disease and the disease will drive him to do and say whatever to allow it all to continue. Thats his mission and its pretty simple really. Alcoholism isnt that complex when you learn about it. The behaviours become pretty predictable, lying, cheating, the lot goes hand in hand.
It gets tricky when it comes to us. We are effected, the whole family is. We lose touch with reality, we get all mixed up in the crisises and confusion reigns and before we know it we are focussing in on the irrelevant issues and looking for any way to justify our own inaction in the whole big mess. So the whole thing 'Did he have sex or not' Isnt the point at all but its the distraction.
I recommend Alanon, get some face to face support, break the shame and isolation from this or it goes on and on forever really. We get addicted to the excited misery and we could live this way forever if we so chose. I chose not too along with thousands around the world through Alanon.