Sorry just need to vent and know that there are others who have gone down this path before me. I am still very new - 4 al anon meetings so far and had successfully set up some boundaries at home for my AH (not to be drunk at home or in front of children). He has gone to a couple of AA meetings, and his drinking has improved but I am not sure he is serious about it all. I am trying hard to detach even within the house - but struggling with four children and the house to run.
When I am out of the house I feel OK - but as I start to drive home I can feel my mood sinking in my stomach and I am struggling to get over that. Whether I walk in and he is sober, I still feel so low and I only feel better when he is not here. Today he has made some effort and the first time in a long time actually did something to help around the house, but I still ended up telling him I don't love him and don't want to be with him anymore. Trouble is I don't know whether this is all my resentment bubbling out. I read on here not to make any major decisions for 6 months - does that mean I should just carry on trying to detach with Al Anon support and shelve major decisions (like divorce) until then. I just feel like running away I feel so empty ad crying most days. If I didn't have my beautiful children I would go. Thank you for listening.
_bunny_ said
Mar 4, 2017
Hi Bettertomorrow, there is hope and you sound very strong. Detaching from my sometimes toxic, but lovely AH took time, patience and practice. I too felt like I was just running away at first and it took awhile before it felt right. Detachment now is more a state of mind, for instance, if AH is in a lousy mood, I can acknowledge it to myself, know I'm not responsible for his moods and go read a book so I stay peaceful. I did wait 12 months before making the choice to stay or leave and I'm glad I did because after a year in Al-Anon I was a totally different person. Hugs to you and children and I hope you keep coming back :)
Freetime said
Mar 4, 2017
Hi Better, I can relate to your feelings. I recall very well the dread of going home, not knowing what I would find, wanting to get away, feeling so much better when I was out of the house -- and yet angry that I could not feel at ease in my own home. What helped me most was the slogan "One Day At A Time," which I would repeat to myself whenever I started feeling crazy.
My situation is not exactly the same as yours, but here are a couple of things I have learned:
Guidelines, like the 6 month suggestion, are just guidelines -- we have to make our own decisions based on our individual situation. Sometimes a small change in our own behavior is helpful, even if we cannot make a big change right away. A big change, like ending a marriage, will need many small steps such as separating finances, thinking about where one would live, etc., so we can do some of those small steps and see how they feel, without making the big leap right away. If personal safety is at risk, that is a different story and calls for immediate action.
Boundaries are not what I used to think they are. Example: At one time, we had a boundary that husband would not drink at all. This was the doctor's recommendation for health reasons, and he agreed to it. Both the doctor and husband gave me the responsibility for controlling alcohol in the house. What actually happened was that he started drinking in secret. So this boundary just drove the drinking underground, and there was nothing I could do about it. Since then, I have learned that boundaries are for me. I do not have to tell anyone in advance what my boundaries are. I just have to know, for example, that if drinking happens, then I will take action that I can control -- maybe I would leave the room or house, maybe I would calmly not engage with anyone who is drinking, maybe I would take the kids out to an activity they enjoy, etc. A few times I went away for mini-vacations for a few days, and that was helpful for me.
I can only imagine how hard this is with four children at home. Hold onto the idea that preserving your sanity, and being an example of healthy living, is the best gift you can give them and will last their whole lives.
Lyne said
Mar 4, 2017
Your board name is positive and a better tomorrow is definately within reach. When I came to program almost 4 years ago, I was in a desperate frame of mind to decide about leaving/staying/moving to other bedroom. I felt anxious, depressed, and could not relax. I felt I had to make a decision and thought my F2F meeting would help. I've discovered that I needed to give myself time to heal, and there is not an exact time line for that. 4 years in now, I am calmer, happier, and saner most of the time. Detaching has taken me a very long time. I can do it now but have setbacks. For myself I have learned to focus on me, not my A, and I'm sure this is difficult with young kids. Try and give yourself some time. It doesn't happen overnight. Answers will come, just maybe not in the time frame you want, Lyne
Iamhere said
Mar 5, 2017
Hey Better - hope today is a new day for you to seek your truth, peace, serenity and light. I so remember the trips towards my home - it was as if the car would slow itself down in anticipation of what 'might be'. With practice, and hindsight, I did come to understand that projecting what might await me was my own distorted thinking and if I could stay present from moment to moment, it calmed me a bit. I also realized that I had already experienced so many tornadoes resulting from the disease that if it was the worse case scenario, God would get me through it....
I had to just practice keeping my mouth shut and taking all my words to trusted program friends. Processing with them helped me figure out what was making me tick - it truly wasn't about my qualifier but instead my own fears often.
(((Hugs))) - I agree that boundaries are for self-protection. You are doing fine - keep leaning into the program as best you can.
Bettertomorrow said
Mar 5, 2017
Thank you all for your kind words and sharing your experiences. I came home this afternoon to a broken garage door and AH totally drunk. At least he had the decency to remove himself to his room, so the youngest children were spared from seeing him stumbling and slurring all over the place or to smell the alcohol coming off his body. This is perhaps the first evening that I haven't screamed at him and just gone on with enjoying the evening with the children. A small, but significant step for me. I don't have internal serenity - that empty hole is there, but I appreciate I am just taking my first steps on the Al Anon journey.
I may need to renegotiate my boundaries - I did say for him not to drunk in the house and he has violated that. But I can't bundle him out of the door in the state he is in. I think I would like to say to him tomorrow that our relationship is on hold for 6 months (unless I or he decide otherwise as things evolve) and that as far as our marriage goes we are separated while I work on myself and see where I am at the end of that time. At the mo no immediate personal safety issues - when he is drunk he stumbles around for a bit, falls over and then passes out. If there were I would of course leave immediately.
I appreciate all your help. Knowing that others have been on a similar journey before me helps immensely. X
SerenityRUS said
Mar 5, 2017
Hugs .. My biggest issue was understanding my xah truly meant what he said in the moment .. He blinked and was on to his next moment .. He only believed what my actions not what I said. So I learned to be like the A in that regard and started watching his actions and paying attention to what I said vs what I did. It does get better a day at a time .. It is a situation of learning to allow time to take time. Hugs ..
Jerry F said
Mar 6, 2017
Aloha Gwen...you're a newbie with more time in the disease than in the recovery from it, go easy with yourself and take your time learning from the literature, meetings and the fellowship such as MIP here. We have tons of experience which is yours for the offering and as you learn and practice the miracles start to come. Detachment is an art form and when learned and practiced is one of the most powerful recovery behaviors I have witnessed in my time in program. Part of it for me was being able to manage my behaviors, thoughts and feelings how I needed them to be without sacrificing them to the disease and the alcoholic/addict I was married to at the time or any other alcoholic in my family. I practice it daily in my life. A key to successful detachment for me is to have a daily relationship with a power greater than myself who I can rely upon constantly to support me unconditionally. Another is a sponsor in the program who I can be in contact as needed to help me fine tune my thoughts, feelings and behaviors so I don't do any to make the situation worse, which I have often done in the past before Al-Anon.
Try imagining your alcoholic laying in your hands and raising your hand up above your head high. Then bring them down....empty leaving him up there to your Higher Power. That worked for me. Keep coming back here often. (((((hugs)))))
Rickbrins said
Mar 6, 2017
Jerry F, love this method, "Try imagining your alcoholic laying in your hands and raising your hand up above your head high. Then bring them down....empty leaving him up there to your Higher Power." I hope to remember it next time I need to detach!
Hi all,
Sorry just need to vent and know that there are others who have gone down this path before me. I am still very new - 4 al anon meetings so far and had successfully set up some boundaries at home for my AH (not to be drunk at home or in front of children). He has gone to a couple of AA meetings, and his drinking has improved but I am not sure he is serious about it all. I am trying hard to detach even within the house - but struggling with four children and the house to run.
When I am out of the house I feel OK - but as I start to drive home I can feel my mood sinking in my stomach and I am struggling to get over that. Whether I walk in and he is sober, I still feel so low and I only feel better when he is not here. Today he has made some effort and the first time in a long time actually did something to help around the house, but I still ended up telling him I don't love him and don't want to be with him anymore. Trouble is I don't know whether this is all my resentment bubbling out. I read on here not to make any major decisions for 6 months - does that mean I should just carry on trying to detach with Al Anon support and shelve major decisions (like divorce) until then. I just feel like running away I feel so empty ad crying most days. If I didn't have my beautiful children I would go. Thank you for listening.
Hi Better, I can relate to your feelings. I recall very well the dread of going home, not knowing what I would find, wanting to get away, feeling so much better when I was out of the house -- and yet angry that I could not feel at ease in my own home. What helped me most was the slogan "One Day At A Time," which I would repeat to myself whenever I started feeling crazy.
My situation is not exactly the same as yours, but here are a couple of things I have learned:
Guidelines, like the 6 month suggestion, are just guidelines -- we have to make our own decisions based on our individual situation. Sometimes a small change in our own behavior is helpful, even if we cannot make a big change right away. A big change, like ending a marriage, will need many small steps such as separating finances, thinking about where one would live, etc., so we can do some of those small steps and see how they feel, without making the big leap right away. If personal safety is at risk, that is a different story and calls for immediate action.
Boundaries are not what I used to think they are. Example: At one time, we had a boundary that husband would not drink at all. This was the doctor's recommendation for health reasons, and he agreed to it. Both the doctor and husband gave me the responsibility for controlling alcohol in the house. What actually happened was that he started drinking in secret. So this boundary just drove the drinking underground, and there was nothing I could do about it. Since then, I have learned that boundaries are for me. I do not have to tell anyone in advance what my boundaries are. I just have to know, for example, that if drinking happens, then I will take action that I can control -- maybe I would leave the room or house, maybe I would calmly not engage with anyone who is drinking, maybe I would take the kids out to an activity they enjoy, etc. A few times I went away for mini-vacations for a few days, and that was helpful for me.
I can only imagine how hard this is with four children at home. Hold onto the idea that preserving your sanity, and being an example of healthy living, is the best gift you can give them and will last their whole lives.
I had to just practice keeping my mouth shut and taking all my words to trusted program friends. Processing with them helped me figure out what was making me tick - it truly wasn't about my qualifier but instead my own fears often.
(((Hugs))) - I agree that boundaries are for self-protection. You are doing fine - keep leaning into the program as best you can.
Thank you all for your kind words and sharing your experiences. I came home this afternoon to a broken garage door and AH totally drunk. At least he had the decency to remove himself to his room, so the youngest children were spared from seeing him stumbling and slurring all over the place or to smell the alcohol coming off his body. This is perhaps the first evening that I haven't screamed at him and just gone on with enjoying the evening with the children. A small, but significant step for me. I don't have internal serenity - that empty hole is there, but I appreciate I am just taking my first steps on the Al Anon journey.
I may need to renegotiate my boundaries - I did say for him not to drunk in the house and he has violated that. But I can't bundle him out of the door in the state he is in. I think I would like to say to him tomorrow that our relationship is on hold for 6 months (unless I or he decide otherwise as things evolve) and that as far as our marriage goes we are separated while I work on myself and see where I am at the end of that time. At the mo no immediate personal safety issues - when he is drunk he stumbles around for a bit, falls over and then passes out. If there were I would of course leave immediately.
I appreciate all your help. Knowing that others have been on a similar journey before me helps immensely. X
Aloha Gwen...you're a newbie with more time in the disease than in the recovery from it, go easy with yourself and take your time learning from the literature, meetings and the fellowship such as MIP here. We have tons of experience which is yours for the offering and as you learn and practice the miracles start to come. Detachment is an art form and when learned and practiced is one of the most powerful recovery behaviors I have witnessed in my time in program. Part of it for me was being able to manage my behaviors, thoughts and feelings how I needed them to be without sacrificing them to the disease and the alcoholic/addict I was married to at the time or any other alcoholic in my family. I practice it daily in my life. A key to successful detachment for me is to have a daily relationship with a power greater than myself who I can rely upon constantly to support me unconditionally. Another is a sponsor in the program who I can be in contact as needed to help me fine tune my thoughts, feelings and behaviors so I don't do any to make the situation worse, which I have often done in the past before Al-Anon.
Try imagining your alcoholic laying in your hands and raising your hand up above your head high. Then bring them down....empty leaving him up there to your Higher Power. That worked for me. Keep coming back here often. (((((hugs)))))