Hour by Hour today trying to refocus my thinking...
pumkin26 said
Mar 3, 2017
So I have been doing fairly good taking my life a day at time. I am attending Online meetings which really helps keep my focused and grounded. I definitely have my moments bc let's be honest I am so new to Alanon. I even laughed at myself the other day bc I went to check the list of in-person meetings in my area and was shocked to see that there were a handful during the mid-morning/noonish time period that would work around my work schedule. I laugh bc I swear I don't remember seeing those a few weeks ago----- wasn't ready to see them? :) I don't think I could swing several in-person meetings a week, but my goal is 1 in person meeting a week plus online meetings. That is a doable goal and doesn't bring my anxiety.
Anyhow this brings me to yesterday evening. My active A called and said he wouldn't be stopping by (my boundary, can't be at the house or me and kids if he has been drinking--- he has temporarily moved out--- as hard as it is, I needed this boundary and honestly I think he did too) and that he wou;d come by early this morning to see the kids and I, but would cal me later that night. It was a nice conversation, it felt genuine, we laughed and in that moment I felt at ease. My how that happens. Of course no phone call, didn't show up this morning, texted me mid-morning saying the "roads were so bad". Immediately I had anxiety (WHYYYY it's a simple text). My response was simple "ya". Between the time I woke up and the time I left the house I felt myself compulsively looking out the window for his car. Wondering if/when he'd pop up. In those moments I had to remind myself "it doesn't matter, where he is, if he shows up or if he doesn't show up" (see this is a typical pattern for him and usually I start texting how hurt I am, how upset I am that I didn't hear from him, that he isn't doing what he said he was going to do) I had to continue to redirect my thinking. And yet I still kept looking out the damn window. So irritated with myself. But I let it go and tried to not look again. I wasn't too successful. When he finally reached out, I responded but didn't inquire further. He is making his own choices. Unfortunately I know that it had set me off this morning, bc even tho I was redirecting my thoughts I was angry with my kids. I lacked patience with them and was easily upset. This is hard work and I am trying, but a little upset with myself for how my morning went.
Every night he tells me he is going to meetings--- tried IOP but I doubt hes actively participating in it--- when he goes he texts how much he doesn't like it, doesn't need it, etc. I have no way of knowing if he is going or not--- this is where my controlling nature sets in, right? I want to hold him accountable, so then I can resent him if he's not going? Ultimately it is on him if he goes or not. He said the other night that he was doing all of this bc of me, that I was "making him" go (or some version of these words) and I simply said, I am not "making" you do anything. It is very interesting to watch and listen (now that I have some alanon in me) to what he says, how he says it, what he does and see the way he tries to put it all on me. I've seen it before, but not in this way.
What I am discovering, is like most people who I have listened to share their story(s), is that I have A LOT of work to do on myself. My brain is completely wired all wrong and not just with my A, but in life. It's like we were the perfect storm--- Hi co-dependent (me) meet alcoholic (him). Ha! Crazy how that works. And as I look back and currently I am drawn to those who "need" fixing, right? Ha... I look back, hi major attachment issues with friends and family.
Clearly I have enough to think about in regards to myself... my A can figure his stuff out on his own... ha, ask me again in an hour.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 3, 2017
OH goodness I have had days where it's min by min an hour was 59 min to long for me to handle.
It's a very natural response to expecting someone to do what they say they are going to do and expecting to be let down .. I expect my XAH to pay child support and not give me a hard time about different things such as my daughter's graduation expenses and so on .. do you think that happens? NO. LOL!! I really had to completely let go of any expectations the biggest one was he was going to do what he said he was going to do .. if he did it was icing on the cake if he didn't no surprise I wasn't expecting him to do it anyways.
If we had this all under control there would be no need for alanon .. LOL .. none of us would be here and life would be peachy keen .. so keep coming back it really sounds like you have a good understanding of what you need and where you are going.
Big hugs :)
hotrod said
Mar 3, 2017
((Pumkin)) Progress not perfection is what we seek
Curlyblu said
Mar 3, 2017
((Pumkin)) keep on keeping on
tiredtonite said
Mar 3, 2017
Thanks for sharing pumkin. You're doing a good job keeping your side of the street clean. It's great you were able to find some local meetings and are attending online ones too. I must say you're learning quickly what's yours to own and what isn't. That's good! Yes, his recovery is his business. His words recovering because it's what you want are purely a set up for blaming you if he fails. Good that you handed ownership of his recovery right back to him.
Hey.. I was a big window watcher too. Many of us have been where you are. It's natural to worry about someone you love.
Hope you'll be gentle with yourself as you continue to recover in Alanon. It takes time to get use to detaching from the alcoholic. It's a new behavior for us to put ourselves first but it's definitely a good one. Hope you'll keep coming back to work it with us. You're worth it. (((hugs)) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 3rd of March 2017 08:09:17 PM
Iamhere said
Mar 3, 2017
(((Pumkin))) - sending you positive thoughts and prayers. It is at times a moment by moment program and progress is what is the goal. We are all imperfect and loved exactly as we are. Keep doing what you're doing and redirect when necessary back to you, joy, program...
pumkin26 said
Mar 6, 2017
Thank you all for your kind responses. I had a crazy couple days but I read them in the moment and it helped me to ease out of my high anxiety and refocus. I feel myself changing, I am noticing his patterns, and feel myself actively NOT engaging with him as he tries in different ways. I read in a share (on here somewhere) that said, "how do you know when an alcoholic is lying? their mouth is moving." (might have even been on a response to one of my shares) but I remember this a lot and so when he is lying I am not mad or hurt... I just listen, rarely respond and move on.
So I have been doing fairly good taking my life a day at time. I am attending Online meetings which really helps keep my focused and grounded. I definitely have my moments bc let's be honest I am so new to Alanon. I even laughed at myself the other day bc I went to check the list of in-person meetings in my area and was shocked to see that there were a handful during the mid-morning/noonish time period that would work around my work schedule. I laugh bc I swear I don't remember seeing those a few weeks ago----- wasn't ready to see them? :) I don't think I could swing several in-person meetings a week, but my goal is 1 in person meeting a week plus online meetings. That is a doable goal and doesn't bring my anxiety.
Anyhow this brings me to yesterday evening. My active A called and said he wouldn't be stopping by (my boundary, can't be at the house or me and kids if he has been drinking--- he has temporarily moved out--- as hard as it is, I needed this boundary and honestly I think he did too) and that he wou;d come by early this morning to see the kids and I, but would cal me later that night. It was a nice conversation, it felt genuine, we laughed and in that moment I felt at ease. My how that happens. Of course no phone call, didn't show up this morning, texted me mid-morning saying the "roads were so bad". Immediately I had anxiety (WHYYYY it's a simple text). My response was simple "ya". Between the time I woke up and the time I left the house I felt myself compulsively looking out the window for his car. Wondering if/when he'd pop up. In those moments I had to remind myself "it doesn't matter, where he is, if he shows up or if he doesn't show up" (see this is a typical pattern for him and usually I start texting how hurt I am, how upset I am that I didn't hear from him, that he isn't doing what he said he was going to do) I had to continue to redirect my thinking. And yet I still kept looking out the damn window. So irritated with myself. But I let it go and tried to not look again. I wasn't too successful. When he finally reached out, I responded but didn't inquire further. He is making his own choices. Unfortunately I know that it had set me off this morning, bc even tho I was redirecting my thoughts I was angry with my kids. I lacked patience with them and was easily upset. This is hard work and I am trying, but a little upset with myself for how my morning went.
Every night he tells me he is going to meetings--- tried IOP but I doubt hes actively participating in it--- when he goes he texts how much he doesn't like it, doesn't need it, etc. I have no way of knowing if he is going or not--- this is where my controlling nature sets in, right? I want to hold him accountable, so then I can resent him if he's not going? Ultimately it is on him if he goes or not. He said the other night that he was doing all of this bc of me, that I was "making him" go (or some version of these words) and I simply said, I am not "making" you do anything. It is very interesting to watch and listen (now that I have some alanon in me) to what he says, how he says it, what he does and see the way he tries to put it all on me. I've seen it before, but not in this way.
What I am discovering, is like most people who I have listened to share their story(s), is that I have A LOT of work to do on myself. My brain is completely wired all wrong and not just with my A, but in life. It's like we were the perfect storm--- Hi co-dependent (me) meet alcoholic (him). Ha! Crazy how that works. And as I look back and currently I am drawn to those who "need" fixing, right? Ha... I look back, hi major attachment issues with friends and family.
Clearly I have enough to think about in regards to myself... my A can figure his stuff out on his own... ha, ask me again in an hour.
It's a very natural response to expecting someone to do what they say they are going to do and expecting to be let down .. I expect my XAH to pay child support and not give me a hard time about different things such as my daughter's graduation expenses and so on .. do you think that happens? NO. LOL!! I really had to completely let go of any expectations the biggest one was he was going to do what he said he was going to do .. if he did it was icing on the cake if he didn't no surprise I wasn't expecting him to do it anyways.
If we had this all under control there would be no need for alanon .. LOL .. none of us would be here and life would be peachy keen .. so keep coming back it really sounds like you have a good understanding of what you need and where you are going.
Big hugs :)
Thanks for sharing pumkin. You're doing a good job keeping your side of the street clean. It's great you were able to find some local meetings and are attending online ones too. I must say you're learning quickly what's yours to own and what isn't. That's good! Yes, his recovery is his business. His words recovering because it's what you want are purely a set up for blaming you if he fails. Good that you handed ownership of his recovery right back to him.
Hey.. I was a big window watcher too. Many of us have been where you are. It's natural to worry about someone you love.
Hope you'll be gentle with yourself as you continue to recover in Alanon. It takes time to get use to detaching from the alcoholic. It's a new behavior for us to put ourselves first but it's definitely a good one. Hope you'll keep coming back to work it with us. You're worth it. (((hugs)) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 3rd of March 2017 08:09:17 PM