At my meeting the topic was the pamphlet called 'Alcoholism how it effects the family.' Its pretty good and its hard hitting in the sense that it lays it all out. The manipulation by both the drinker and the family to try and stop the drinking. The cunningness of the drinker in maintaining the drinking with ease or as much ease as possible. It all becomes very complex and subtle props. All set up so each person has a role and the whole family become enablers. So one of the drinkers tactics is to instill fear in the family members because at that point the family are much more compelled to remove the consequences and tidy up any crisis and the drinker turns into a baby, a drunk baby. The family operate on fear and they provide many different crutches for the drinker and of course the drinker gets worse.
Its not until we get serious about looking at the true motives in each role that it can be understood and then change can occur but the problem is it can be difficult to look at the true motives because as soon as we face our own martyrdom, victim role, controlling or ego etc then many of us can refuse to look because it can hurt. Its too much for many to face and I think its because we see these things as attacking words or negative when in fact its just plain and simple symptoms of alcoholism that we all develop as survival strategies. Detach from the connotations of these words see them as symptoms that we want relief from and recovery begins. So if someone or something such as the readings suggest your behaviour is motivated by your self pity and martyrdom and victim playing try hard to consider it a possibility without taking it as a personal attack and progress begins from here in my experience.
-- Edited by el-cee on Friday 3rd of March 2017 06:07:21 AM
Calm Lady said
Mar 3, 2017
Many thanks for posting it, El-Cee.
Makes a lot of sense to me. I work on myself to detach from my various hats I wear. Martyr, victim, rescuer etc.
Curlyblu said
Mar 3, 2017
The more often I come here, and since I have attended a few on line meetings, this has come to me. That I really have played a role in this.
*********************
How is that possible. I no longer have "sociable" drinks in my home or else where. "See I can quit why can't you". Someone I trust asked what I have done to "fix" the problems created by the drinking. I said well really I haven't had to. My A is actually very responsible, makes sure bills are paid, food on the table etc. No they said what do you do. Then they started to give me clues as to how my very own actions and responses to situations where I indeed had an active role in, covering, fixing and enabling.
*****************
I don't ever buy his booze....so how can I be enabling him to continue. Oh but I have been.
*******************************
I never ever thought I was playing a victim either. "I'm too 'strong' for that". This journey has been a learning experience about myself, more at the moment, then I ever thought.
TYFS, a really good read.
hotrod said
Mar 3, 2017
Good Morning LC Thanks for this inspiring message. I know when I learned to stop reacting and to "Examine my motives", I was amazed to discover that I honestly had not accept my powerlessness, as I attempted to manipulate at every turn, was never honest about who I was and how i felt. It was an eye opener and gave me the inspiration to slowly begin to keep the focus on myself, stop reacting but to stop and" Think", live one day at a time as I stopped judging, blaming and critiquing anyone. This program is a gret gift and I appreciate your service.
el-cee said
Mar 3, 2017
Thanks Hotrod, I agree it is about not judging anyone including ourselves. The self awareness that lets us see our own shortcomings doesnt have to come with judgement of ourselves. It is such a gift to not take a hurt with the truth of us.
hotrod said
Mar 3, 2017
I agree That is a great gift LC
tiredtonite said
Mar 3, 2017
Thanks elcee for sharing on this topic. This is the part that really stood out for me in your post.
Detach from the connotations of these words see them as symptoms that we want relief from and recovery begins. So if someone or something such as the readings suggest your behaviour is motivated by your self pity and martyrdom and victim playing try hard to consider it a possibility without taking it as a personal attack and progress begins from here in my experience.
I'm grateful for the loneliness and hugs that kept me coming back to meetings as a newcomer because I did feel some resentment when new concerning being labeled a martyr or victim as some of our readings imply. I'm glad my higher power did for me what I could not do for myself at that time - led me back week after week to listen and learn. Had I not felt like I just had nowhere else to go with the stories of my problem husband, I might have walked off out due to righteous indignation at being labeled a martyr or victim for a problem I believed would not exist if I were not with an alcoholic. I'm glad Alanon recovery was in my higher power's plan for me. If hp brings you to it hp will see you through it. I'm grateful desperation drove me to be willing to be willing to address my own contribution to making matters worse in my home through my choices. I didn't know what I didn't know until the god of my understanding spoke to me through the shares of others in this program. Thank you for being a part of my recovery journey and for your service to this board. ((hugs))) TT
Iamhere said
Mar 3, 2017
Great topic and great shares! I know that I put on many, many hats trying to manage, change, fix, etc. the 'disease' and the 'diseased'....I am short on time ... chasing 2 under the age of 4 ... but also know that the best gift I ever gave to me was Al-Anon and recovery. I can take off all the hats and work to just be me. Being me is a welcome compared to me before.
I'll post more later - thanks to all for your ESH!
Calm Lady said
Mar 3, 2017
What a lovely way of putting it, IAH -
Take off all our hats and work on being ourselves. Big smile.
Iamhere said
Mar 3, 2017
Thanks CL - I am just too darn tired tonight after chasing 2 little ones most of the day + a round of golf....on a very windy golf course. What I know is my brain and way of thinking when I arrived was in 'fix-it' and 'solution-mode'. I truly was offended when it was suggested I needed to work on me. I was hyper-certain that IF others stopped doing what they were doing, we would be able to live like a 'normal (Norman Rockwell) family.
I had to go and keep trying to fix, change, control a bit longer and then came back to Al-Anon beaten down, numb and very broken. I had issues just getting through simple things such as the daily readings as well as the newcomer handouts. It took me time to be able to see my part in the dysfunction caused by the disease and it took me even longer to study/examine my motives.
I have a way of over-analyzing things and this habit applied to me/my self-assessment. It was very important for me to always look at my assets too as I was real good at shame/blame - both of others and of me. I am one who still struggles with shades of gray and that's why I don't do well with labels. Given the freedom to work the steps honestly with a sponsor was what helped me see who I was and why and how to let it go for growth and change. That's why I think of hats - speaking only for me, I felt like a wife, mother, sister, daughter, employee, friend, boss, aunt, caretaker, confidant, probation officer, nurse and a zillion more labels/titles. None of them had anything to do with me being me - a loved child of God put on this Earth for a purpose and reason that apparently was alluding me as I was a miserable mess.
It is the power of the program, the steps, the fellowship and ESH of others that set me free. I no longer want to own other's issues even when I hurt for them (my boys). I no longer want to save them from themselves even though it's hard to watch them trip and fall. I no longer want to project - good or bad - as either scenario raises up my ego again. I really have to keep things simple, and remember that God's got the bigger plan and I am a small part.
Off to relax for the night - later MIP family!
Rickbrins said
Mar 6, 2017
It was something very similar to this that really resonated in me and sold me on Al-anon. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of good in Al-anon, but it was hearing this idea that really hit me.
El-cee, I love your wording, very informative and to the point, easy to read and believe! Thank you so much for this share, I hope many people see this, especially the newbies, maybe it will sell them on the program too!
MeTwo2 said
Mar 6, 2017
this is a great topic .. i love the pamphlet too of the name of the play "a merry go round called denial" .. it also breaks down the roles we each play .. the alcoholic script the star of the show and the roles which are cast .. pretty sure it also mentions the parts played as in the hero (the one we or others build up) .. the lost child .. (can't get it together) .. the villain (scapegoat who the heroes always run out of town) .. and there is the clown and peacekeeper .. the funny ones and the pleasers .. (not positive though these are in that exact pamphlet but there are many roles) .. it's very interesting to continue learning more .. alcoholism is definitely a family disease (game) the entire family can participate (play) in 'together .. can get pretty distorted if we don't recognize the disease .. thankful we have a place to recover our clarity over time ..
At my meeting the topic was the pamphlet called 'Alcoholism how it effects the family.' Its pretty good and its hard hitting in the sense that it lays it all out. The manipulation by both the drinker and the family to try and stop the drinking. The cunningness of the drinker in maintaining the drinking with ease or as much ease as possible. It all becomes very complex and subtle props. All set up so each person has a role and the whole family become enablers. So one of the drinkers tactics is to instill fear in the family members because at that point the family are much more compelled to remove the consequences and tidy up any crisis and the drinker turns into a baby, a drunk baby. The family operate on fear and they provide many different crutches for the drinker and of course the drinker gets worse.
Its not until we get serious about looking at the true motives in each role that it can be understood and then change can occur but the problem is it can be difficult to look at the true motives because as soon as we face our own martyrdom, victim role, controlling or ego etc then many of us can refuse to look because it can hurt. Its too much for many to face and I think its because we see these things as attacking words or negative when in fact its just plain and simple symptoms of alcoholism that we all develop as survival strategies. Detach from the connotations of these words see them as symptoms that we want relief from and recovery begins. So if someone or something such as the readings suggest your behaviour is motivated by your self pity and martyrdom and victim playing try hard to consider it a possibility without taking it as a personal attack and progress begins from here in my experience.
-- Edited by el-cee on Friday 3rd of March 2017 06:07:21 AM
Makes a lot of sense to me. I work on myself to detach from my various hats I wear. Martyr, victim, rescuer etc.
Thanks elcee for sharing on this topic. This is the part that really stood out for me in your post.
Detach from the connotations of these words see them as symptoms that we want relief from and recovery begins. So if someone or something such as the readings suggest your behaviour is motivated by your self pity and martyrdom and victim playing try hard to consider it a possibility without taking it as a personal attack and progress begins from here in my experience.
I'm grateful for the loneliness and hugs that kept me coming back to meetings as a newcomer because I did feel some resentment when new concerning being labeled a martyr or victim as some of our readings imply. I'm glad my higher power did for me what I could not do for myself at that time - led me back week after week to listen and learn. Had I not felt like I just had nowhere else to go with the stories of my problem husband, I might have walked off out due to righteous indignation at being labeled a martyr or victim for a problem I believed would not exist if I were not with an alcoholic. I'm glad Alanon recovery was in my higher power's plan for me. If hp brings you to it hp will see you through it. I'm grateful desperation drove me to be willing to be willing to address my own contribution to making matters worse in my home through my choices. I didn't know what I didn't know until the god of my understanding spoke to me through the shares of others in this program. Thank you for being a part of my recovery journey and for your service to this board. ((hugs))) TT
I'll post more later - thanks to all for your ESH!
Take off all our hats and work on being ourselves. Big smile.
I had to go and keep trying to fix, change, control a bit longer and then came back to Al-Anon beaten down, numb and very broken. I had issues just getting through simple things such as the daily readings as well as the newcomer handouts. It took me time to be able to see my part in the dysfunction caused by the disease and it took me even longer to study/examine my motives.
I have a way of over-analyzing things and this habit applied to me/my self-assessment. It was very important for me to always look at my assets too as I was real good at shame/blame - both of others and of me. I am one who still struggles with shades of gray and that's why I don't do well with labels. Given the freedom to work the steps honestly with a sponsor was what helped me see who I was and why and how to let it go for growth and change. That's why I think of hats - speaking only for me, I felt like a wife, mother, sister, daughter, employee, friend, boss, aunt, caretaker, confidant, probation officer, nurse and a zillion more labels/titles. None of them had anything to do with me being me - a loved child of God put on this Earth for a purpose and reason that apparently was alluding me as I was a miserable mess.
It is the power of the program, the steps, the fellowship and ESH of others that set me free. I no longer want to own other's issues even when I hurt for them (my boys). I no longer want to save them from themselves even though it's hard to watch them trip and fall. I no longer want to project - good or bad - as either scenario raises up my ego again. I really have to keep things simple, and remember that God's got the bigger plan and I am a small part.
Off to relax for the night - later MIP family!
El-cee, I love your wording, very informative and to the point, easy to read and believe! Thank you so much for this share, I hope many people see this, especially the newbies, maybe it will sell them on the program too!
this is a great topic .. i love the pamphlet too of the name of the play "a merry go round called denial" .. it also breaks down the roles we each play .. the alcoholic script the star of the show and the roles which are cast .. pretty sure it also mentions the parts played as in the hero (the one we or others build up) .. the lost child .. (can't get it together) .. the villain (scapegoat who the heroes always run out of town) .. and there is the clown and peacekeeper .. the funny ones and the pleasers .. (not positive though these are in that exact pamphlet but there are many roles) .. it's very interesting to continue learning more .. alcoholism is definitely a family disease (game) the entire family can participate (play) in 'together .. can get pretty distorted if we don't recognize the disease .. thankful we have a place to recover our clarity over time ..