I haven't been to a meeting in a couple weeks due to illness. I quite speaking to my qualifier about a month ago. I still can't believe it has been a month. I am so incredibly sad that he has not contacted me. I feel so utterly worthless that he doesn't miss me or see me as valuable. I know this is faulty thinking. But that doesnt stop me from feeling it. It makes me really think that ia wasted 2.5 years of my life on him. I am just so sad.
YARNCRAZY said
Mar 2, 2017
i can idenify with you. my xah was so bad off,he didnt ealize i was gone for several days and we lived in the same house. many including me thought he would stop drinking when i left. I thought i was like the plug in the tub of his addiction and when i left, he would have trully hit bottom. after all,he was broke,lost his job,lost his family and friends,lost his car and drivers liscens and was about to lose his house but noooo ... I wasted 25 yrs of my life and i still have to deal with that realization every day. With alanon,s principles and pals here online, things ae a bit better. Actually, so many wonderful things happened to me after leving and yes, some very hard things too, but they are"my things"
el-cee said
Mar 2, 2017
I think that when we look for validation of anything like self worth etc. from other people then we are in danger of disappointment and a reduction in our self esteem. When we look for our holes to be filled by an active drinker then its even more detrimental to our health. If we learn about the nature of alcoholism then we most likely never got many of our needs met in a healthy balanced way, how could we when the drinker is driven by a powerful addiction to alcohol? So even the declaration of love from the drinker may come from the intense need for the disease to thrive. Its so sad, the person isn't really present in our lives, how can they be? The idea of love and intimacy can be figments of our own imagination or at least the value we place on them come from us rather than the reality of the situation. For me this type of'love' triggered my own addictive personality and I got hooked in the drip feeding of love, attention etc. Its a sad situation. I got free through awareness and acceptance of reality.
2accept said
Mar 2, 2017
Hi Teal... We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. Our greatest assets to help others down the road in recovery are these types of painful experiences. Our greatest learning and growth come from extreme pain. When I've experienced these type of separations/breakups, my awareness has crystalized into the Real Truth... "This is not rejection, but protection from harm's way with God's help." God protects us in ways we don't always understand. If we trust God, things will work out. The bottle is always the mistress in the relationship. I've not been able to find love, value, and self-worth through the alcoholic, because the alcoholic is "broken" and lacks these traits in themselves. A reliance on spiritual matters (God) has brought comfort and acceptance of me that I could never find in any human, active alcoholic or not. Wishing and praying for your comfort through this time of grieving.
shrnp said
Mar 2, 2017
Hello Tealfighter,
I missed my A's friendship when we broke up too. However, he was not the same person that I had met years ago. I could not even talk to him after a certain time of the day because he was always so drunk. Trying to have a conversation with someone drinking because I was lonely was so sad. I slowly began rebuilding my life around my own interest and my family. I could not fix him but I could fix myself. I still get lonely at times but the loneliness I felt during the relationship was a lot worse. Alanon can help because it is a fellowship of people who have been through the same experiences. Together we share something in common and do not judge. I am glad you are here, I hope your day gets better.
Iamhere said
Mar 2, 2017
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers tealfighter. Often for me, when I am feeling 'less than' and 'unimportant' to one I've given so much of myself I have been reminded in recovery that I am allowed to feel sad and I am allowed to grieve. These are very normal and natural events in life and healthy for me to experience and feel. Yet, at the same time, for those of us affected by alcoholism/addiction, we need to be reminded that our feelings aren't facts and as you say, our thinking about these 'events' may be faulty.
Al-Anon did give me back the gift of me. Self-love and the relationship I have with my higher power are enough for me now. I consider anything beyond that a bonus experience. I'm grateful for the love of friends, family and others and truly treasure it beyond words. Yet, I no longer need it to feel/be whole. I am enough just as I am - imperfect. I have enough just as things are - imperfect. You are too - you just may not feel/see it (yet).
Be gentle with you and lean into the program any way you can. For me, especially when I was new, I found that simple things helped me find more positively in my spirit - gratitude lists, taking a walk, petting my lovely dog, pulling weeds, etc. Small things helped me in big ways while I was feeling/processing early in recovery.
Keep coming back - there is always hope and help in recovery...
alf said
Mar 2, 2017
I am so very glad for this post today. Thank you for the reminder IAH. Feelings and thoughts are not facts. I too am struggling with a (what seems to be) broken spirit. I will cling to the program with all of my strength and ask my higher power to help me through this rough time.
We are not alone.
Teal, I am so sorry for your pain. I understand it. Turning to regular meeting attendance has helped me to experience a brief smile, a bit of laughter. Each day that passes I find myself experiencing more joy. I have faith that if I continue clinging to the program the anguish and fear shall pass.
Hang in there.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 2, 2017
I didn't miss him .. I missed the dream I thought I was living it wasn't until after he was gone for an extended time that I realized my dream was more of a nightmare on a lot of levels.
I miss the would have, could have, should have been's .. I don't miss the man he is today. There were shades of that person when we met .. I just didn't realize there were bigger issues as I choose to ignore the red flags.
Do I think I wasted my time? Not really .. I look back and the only thing different for me was I wish I had left sooner or gotten to alanon sooner .. it wasn't wasted time .. it was healing time to move me forward to where I needed to be today.
My wasted time involves trying to get untangled from his mess and him not wanting to really let go .. LOL. That's a whole other story though.
Hugs S :)
tiredtonite said
Mar 2, 2017
I'm sorry that you've been ill recently. When I miss my usual meeting a few weeks in a row, I sure do miss that loving support and the experience, strength and hope I receive there. I really need to be extra loving to myself when I'm not feeling well because a sense of melancholy can overtake me. My emotions tend to be out of balance, more extreme when I just don't feel well. It's good to have this awareness.
I know how awful it can feel to not have the love you feel for someone returned. It eludes me too how we can spends years with active alcoholics and be left drop kicked to the curb. It's a sad reminder of how incredibly powerful the disease of alcoholism is. I guess this is where sobriety and working a 12 step program can make a difference. The obsession for alcohol supersedes any other need as you know. Such rational doesn't serve as comfort for the hurt we feel only reminds us of fact that active alcoholics are limited by one relationship only - themselves and alcohol. It was difficult for me to understand this because the disease wasn't in full bloom when I got together with my now exah. It can be a sneaky disease that progresses over time and leaves us with good memories of a person who at one time was capable of showing up in a relationship with us. Before Alanon, I didn't know alcoholism was a progressive disease and would include emotional/physical distancing by my husband and then isolate himself with his substance. Step 1 didn't come easily for me. I had a long marriage and couldn't let go and let god. I spend a long time in the "if onlies" believing some words, some human intervention for which I felt completely responsible would have changed outcomes. Starting again after a long marriage wasn't easy but today especially when I go back and read my old journals or listen to some newcomers, I feel gratitude to the god of my understanding for releasing me without my permission from a very chaotic, insane existence and opening a door to a world of choices. Going from a sense of dependency on the alcoholic in my life for defining my worth and happiness to defining that for myself was a challenge at first for someone who defined themselves by what others thought of her, who thought too much of others and not enough of herself. Today, my higher power the god of my understanding is first in my life, I am next and then others - in that order. I pray hp's will for my life and I pray that others be taken care of by the god of their understanding. I'm grateful that my hp led me to this program and freed me from the clutches of alcoholism. Hope you are feeling better very soon. Thank you for sharing. (((hugs))) TT
lookingup said
Mar 3, 2017
Thank you ((((((tt))))) for your powerful share ,
I'm also grateful to my hp to leading me to this program and freeing me from the grips of the alcoholic/addict.
I haven't been to a meeting in a couple weeks due to illness. I quite speaking to my qualifier about a month ago. I still can't believe it has been a month. I am so incredibly sad that he has not contacted me. I feel so utterly worthless that he doesn't miss me or see me as valuable. I know this is faulty thinking. But that doesnt stop me from feeling it. It makes me really think that ia wasted 2.5 years of my life on him. I am just so sad.
I missed my A's friendship when we broke up too. However, he was not the same person that I had met years ago. I could not even talk to him after a certain time of the day because he was always so drunk. Trying to have a conversation with someone drinking because I was lonely was so sad. I slowly began rebuilding my life around my own interest and my family. I could not fix him but I could fix myself. I still get lonely at times but the loneliness I felt during the relationship was a lot worse. Alanon can help because it is a fellowship of people who have been through the same experiences. Together we share something in common and do not judge. I am glad you are here, I hope your day gets better.
Al-Anon did give me back the gift of me. Self-love and the relationship I have with my higher power are enough for me now. I consider anything beyond that a bonus experience. I'm grateful for the love of friends, family and others and truly treasure it beyond words. Yet, I no longer need it to feel/be whole. I am enough just as I am - imperfect. I have enough just as things are - imperfect. You are too - you just may not feel/see it (yet).
Be gentle with you and lean into the program any way you can. For me, especially when I was new, I found that simple things helped me find more positively in my spirit - gratitude lists, taking a walk, petting my lovely dog, pulling weeds, etc. Small things helped me in big ways while I was feeling/processing early in recovery.
Keep coming back - there is always hope and help in recovery...
We are not alone.
Teal, I am so sorry for your pain. I understand it. Turning to regular meeting attendance has helped me to experience a brief smile, a bit of laughter. Each day that passes I find myself experiencing more joy. I have faith that if I continue clinging to the program the anguish and fear shall pass.
Hang in there.
I miss the would have, could have, should have been's .. I don't miss the man he is today. There were shades of that person when we met .. I just didn't realize there were bigger issues as I choose to ignore the red flags.
Do I think I wasted my time? Not really .. I look back and the only thing different for me was I wish I had left sooner or gotten to alanon sooner .. it wasn't wasted time .. it was healing time to move me forward to where I needed to be today.
My wasted time involves trying to get untangled from his mess and him not wanting to really let go .. LOL. That's a whole other story though.
Hugs S :)
I'm sorry that you've been ill recently. When I miss my usual meeting a few weeks in a row, I sure do miss that loving support and the experience, strength and hope I receive there. I really need to be extra loving to myself when I'm not feeling well because a sense of melancholy can overtake me. My emotions tend to be out of balance, more extreme when I just don't feel well. It's good to have this awareness.
I know how awful it can feel to not have the love you feel for someone returned. It eludes me too how we can spends years with active alcoholics and be left drop kicked to the curb. It's a sad reminder of how incredibly powerful the disease of alcoholism is. I guess this is where sobriety and working a 12 step program can make a difference. The obsession for alcohol supersedes any other need as you know. Such rational doesn't serve as comfort for the hurt we feel only reminds us of fact that active alcoholics are limited by one relationship only - themselves and alcohol. It was difficult for me to understand this because the disease wasn't in full bloom when I got together with my now exah. It can be a sneaky disease that progresses over time and leaves us with good memories of a person who at one time was capable of showing up in a relationship with us. Before Alanon, I didn't know alcoholism was a progressive disease and would include emotional/physical distancing by my husband and then isolate himself with his substance. Step 1 didn't come easily for me. I had a long marriage and couldn't let go and let god. I spend a long time in the "if onlies" believing some words, some human intervention for which I felt completely responsible would have changed outcomes. Starting again after a long marriage wasn't easy but today especially when I go back and read my old journals or listen to some newcomers, I feel gratitude to the god of my understanding for releasing me without my permission from a very chaotic, insane existence and opening a door to a world of choices. Going from a sense of dependency on the alcoholic in my life for defining my worth and happiness to defining that for myself was a challenge at first for someone who defined themselves by what others thought of her, who thought too much of others and not enough of herself. Today, my higher power the god of my understanding is first in my life, I am next and then others - in that order. I pray hp's will for my life and I pray that others be taken care of by the god of their understanding. I'm grateful that my hp led me to this program and freed me from the clutches of alcoholism. Hope you are feeling better very soon. Thank you for sharing. (((hugs))) TT
I'm also grateful to my hp to leading me to this program and freeing me from the grips of the alcoholic/addict.