This whole having more than one feeling issue really gets me stumped from time to time. I automatically go to what would my XAH do vs the fact not everyone is hardwired the way he is thank GOD .. it's a little more complex than that because I am looking at consistant patterns through my life. People do things for me just because the issue is I'm always on point regarding what is the motive. It's a hard issue for me, usually involves tears when someone is just straight up genuine. I am blessed to have multiple people who are gifts. I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that this person really wants to just do because .. not because I think I'm entitled to it .. just because. This all goes back to my parents big time .. there was always a condition regarding what I received. They probably didn't mean it that way it's just how I took it.
Now I'm in a relationship with a guy who is going through some rough stuff at the moment and he does something for me even when there is a disagreement and I question why. Turns out it's not about the disagreement it's just because he's realized I don't ask for anything and he feels that he has been neglectful. The disagreement is a separate issue to him and has nothing to do with reminding me he cares very deeply for me regardless of any disagreement .. I can't even talk to him about it because I want to cry out of sheer relief. These moments for me are sweet relief to a very weary, patched and quilted heart. My brain doesn't process that much emotion.
I'm still battling the whole I have to do everything myself .. and relying on someone else is very scary. So again .. I don't ask .. and I get not scolded just umm .. seriously you are not required to do everything alone. I also recognize that he's very much a quiet strength vs the I'm going to do this that and the other .. he just does .. I'm readjusting my thought process. I'm not quiet in my strength I am out there .. lol .. I am here I am .. deal with it and if you don't like it well forget you .. so to speak. So I have to remind myself quiet strength is not a bad quality to have because it is gentle and it's always available specifically to me through this person. He sees my strength and it doesn't frighten him and sometimes he needs my loudness to remind him that quiet is not always the right path. Sometimes you do have to draw a line in the sand and say enough and do so to remind others that yes .. now is not the time and I am not the person to mess with. There is nothing wrong with that and I have brought things into the light that would have other wise not been taken seriously .. so I am grateful for my single parent loud mouth .. sometimes at least .. lol.
It's been 6 months and he's truly been a gift .. I have taken my healing further than I could have thought although I obviously have more to do. I am very grateful for these little reminders that life is just a process and this to shall pass regardless if it's good or if it's bad .. it's just temporary. I just truly hope that my HP sees fit that this man walk this path with me for a long time to come. It's not to say he doesn't frustrate me or I don't have my tantrums .. I can do so and be safe.
Hugs S :)
hotrod said
Mar 1, 2017
((Serenity)) love to read of the sweet lessons you are being subjected to and the grace and wisdom you are absorbing. HP 's is a gentle loving teacher.
Thanks for this share, i can identify
a4l said
Mar 1, 2017
This all sounds like a bravery im incapable of, yet hopeful of one day. Love it.
el-cee said
Mar 2, 2017
I can relate to what your saying here. For me, Im like raising my expectations of relationships very slowly. Is it because we spent so long with people with very little to give and so we adapt and get used to being let down or constantly feeling disappointed and angry and then when these 'normal' people come into our life and behave 'normally' it takes a bit of getting used too. The man Ive been seeing treats me so well. Hes not perfect and I can still let the sick thinking leak in at times. I find that its all connected to my self esteem. He is full of kindness, love, respect for me and Im a bit like wow, what are you all about? Whats your motives? Are you trying to get me to let my guard down to begin slowly abusing me? Obviously this is my own sick thinking and thanks to my progress in Alanon I recognise unacceptable behaviour now and I know how to stop it. So I relax into it all much more now but my 'scars' or 'damage' or dis-ease is never far away and I often have to remember Im recovering from a powerful disease and I will always be and so often I misinterpret people place and things, the important thing is I dont often act on these feelings, Im getting better at 'Stop' and 'Think.' So glad to be sharing this journey with people here, its good to know Im not alone.x
SerenityRUS said
Mar 3, 2017
EC .. that's it .. I was honestly so touched and shocked that he wanted nothing in return from me. This wasn't I'm begging you to forgive me .. it wasn't I'm trying to get out of what we had discussed earlier this was strictly you are important to me regardless what else is going on and I want you to remember that. I find that I do have to have strong boundaries as in it would be very easy for this to go very codie and I don't want that either. Still he is very kind and it's confusing to say the least .. LOL. So while my sick thinking gets into the what's your motive and what did you actually DO that warrants this kind of apology (that's what I immediately took from the gesture). My healthy thinking goes to we are two separate people who need to continue to do things that enrich and make us feel good individually because I need to continue to fill my cup so I can be loving and giving to those around me and I expect him to do the same. I want this behavior to continue and not just get depleted. I will not lie .. there are days I think OMGOSH .. maybe I'm not made for relationships .. LOL!!
Green Eyes said
Mar 3, 2017
As you already know, I can soooo relate to your post, Serenity. In my current relationship, I keep thinking that I'm not worthy of someone loving me unconditionally. And I tend to not want to trust that he loves me for who am I am, damaged and untrusting at times. But he does, and that just confounds me. He supports me and has my best interests in mind. So different from my deceased AH. I put my walls up a lot and try to keep him away from loving me too much. But I also keep telling myself to just also stop my "stinkin' thinkin'," and just enjoy each a day with this new man "a day at a time." Is he perfect? Um, no. But Lord knows I'm certainly am not, either. And yet, he loves me, "warts and all." LOL!
SerenityRUS said
Mar 3, 2017
Amen to that sis .. I swear it's always entertaining to say the least.
tiredtonite said
Mar 3, 2017
So nice that you're enjoying the niceties of someone who is present and caring about your feelings. I can hear gratitude in your post for your recovery and awareness. We never deserved to be treated poorly or to have treated ourselves poorly. You're working the program and attracting healthier people. With growth in Alanon, we can begin to feel less guarded and more self assured of our choices even safe as you mentioned. It takes a little time to get use to this new way of feeling for sure. It's a nice change :) Glad this guy is good for you and this new relationship is bringing you happiness one day at a time. ((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 3rd of March 2017 07:26:22 PM
1911A1 said
Mar 6, 2017
I used to give to others out of my own neediness, in hopes of getting a few morsels in return. Thanks to the growth and gifts I've gained in recovery, today I can give out of my abundance without expectation, and what a liberating thing that is.
MeTwo2 said
Mar 6, 2017
I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that this person really wants to just do because .. not because I think I'm entitled to it .. just because. This all goes back to my parents big time .. there was always a condition regarding what I received. They probably didn't mean it that way it's just how I took it.
just copied and pasted the line above because it's so me too ..
Now I'm in a relationship with a guy who is going through some rough stuff at the moment and he does something for me even when there is a disagreement and I question why. (I relate to this on such a deep level i even get suspicious with my higher power, but I'm guessing insanity and paranoid go hand in hand sometimes) .. oye ..
SerenityRUS said
Mar 6, 2017
Well that whole giving out of my own neediness seriously spoke to me. I used to give because I wanted the other person to like me and think I was a good person .. of course I still want that emotional payoff however in getting healthier instead of giving to my detriment I am able to give from a different place and maybe that's why others are responding to me in a different way as well.
Yes .. I realize now how much my parents conditioned me to expect conditions to be attached to what was given and these are things that should have been given freely .. unconditional love .. there was the expectation set or perceived if I do this then you are expected to behavior ABC. When I didn't behave ABC there was a consequence that was bizarrely loose. So I really lowered my expectations regarding my parents and what they gave me emotionally .. with my kids I try to do different .. I'm not going to lie .. I have to think about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I have to remind myself to hug them good night .. I have to remind myself to hug them when I get home .. thankfully they are of the upbringing that they know if I don't make the move they are free to do so without the worry of rejection .. although I have moments when I am sick I don't want anyone touching me .. LOL. They realize immediately I am sick and don't want to be bothered by anyone .. leave me to my misery and it will be ok there is zero rejection attached and we have had this conversation. To make up my parents gave materially which sent the wrong message to me .. it was extremely confusing to a child that was and is very literal.
YES .. I do question my HP .. sometimes I think that's ok because it's ok to think and not blindly follow .. what happened to the sheep that just kept running towards the cliff? They ran off the cliff .. so I really have to focus on what is my HP's will and what is MY will .. which always gets me into trouble .. LOL.
Very glad not to be doing this journey alone I have had a lot going on recently and it's always nice to touch base and figure out what is and is not going on.
andromeda said
Mar 7, 2017
What you said in your last post just came up with my sponsor and myself recently. I've been working step 3 again and I've noticed that I am totally OK giving my HP my life, but turning over my 'will'? Well, that's another story. Just a constant struggle to turn over control of my life to my HP and to let go.
Love your shares, girl! Looks like you're doing great! HUGS!
LOL .. mine .. I'm good for it.
This whole having more than one feeling issue really gets me stumped from time to time. I automatically go to what would my XAH do vs the fact not everyone is hardwired the way he is thank GOD .. it's a little more complex than that because I am looking at consistant patterns through my life. People do things for me just because the issue is I'm always on point regarding what is the motive. It's a hard issue for me, usually involves tears when someone is just straight up genuine. I am blessed to have multiple people who are gifts. I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that this person really wants to just do because .. not because I think I'm entitled to it .. just because. This all goes back to my parents big time .. there was always a condition regarding what I received. They probably didn't mean it that way it's just how I took it.
Now I'm in a relationship with a guy who is going through some rough stuff at the moment and he does something for me even when there is a disagreement and I question why. Turns out it's not about the disagreement it's just because he's realized I don't ask for anything and he feels that he has been neglectful. The disagreement is a separate issue to him and has nothing to do with reminding me he cares very deeply for me regardless of any disagreement .. I can't even talk to him about it because I want to cry out of sheer relief. These moments for me are sweet relief to a very weary, patched and quilted heart. My brain doesn't process that much emotion.
I'm still battling the whole I have to do everything myself .. and relying on someone else is very scary. So again .. I don't ask .. and I get not scolded just umm .. seriously you are not required to do everything alone. I also recognize that he's very much a quiet strength vs the I'm going to do this that and the other .. he just does .. I'm readjusting my thought process. I'm not quiet in my strength I am out there .. lol .. I am here I am .. deal with it and if you don't like it well forget you .. so to speak. So I have to remind myself quiet strength is not a bad quality to have because it is gentle and it's always available specifically to me through this person. He sees my strength and it doesn't frighten him and sometimes he needs my loudness to remind him that quiet is not always the right path. Sometimes you do have to draw a line in the sand and say enough and do so to remind others that yes .. now is not the time and I am not the person to mess with. There is nothing wrong with that and I have brought things into the light that would have other wise not been taken seriously .. so I am grateful for my single parent loud mouth .. sometimes at least .. lol.
It's been 6 months and he's truly been a gift .. I have taken my healing further than I could have thought although I obviously have more to do. I am very grateful for these little reminders that life is just a process and this to shall pass regardless if it's good or if it's bad .. it's just temporary. I just truly hope that my HP sees fit that this man walk this path with me for a long time to come. It's not to say he doesn't frustrate me or I don't have my tantrums .. I can do so and be safe.
Hugs S :)
Thanks for this share, i can identify
I can relate to what your saying here. For me, Im like raising my expectations of relationships very slowly. Is it because we spent so long with people with very little to give and so we adapt and get used to being let down or constantly feeling disappointed and angry and then when these 'normal' people come into our life and behave 'normally' it takes a bit of getting used too. The man Ive been seeing treats me so well. Hes not perfect and I can still let the sick thinking leak in at times. I find that its all connected to my self esteem. He is full of kindness, love, respect for me and Im a bit like wow, what are you all about? Whats your motives? Are you trying to get me to let my guard down to begin slowly abusing me? Obviously this is my own sick thinking and thanks to my progress in Alanon I recognise unacceptable behaviour now and I know how to stop it. So I relax into it all much more now but my 'scars' or 'damage' or dis-ease is never far away and I often have to remember Im recovering from a powerful disease and I will always be and so often I misinterpret people place and things, the important thing is I dont often act on these feelings, Im getting better at 'Stop' and 'Think.' So glad to be sharing this journey with people here, its good to know Im not alone.x
So nice that you're enjoying the niceties of someone who is present and caring about your feelings. I can hear gratitude in your post for your recovery and awareness. We never deserved to be treated poorly or to have treated ourselves poorly. You're working the program and attracting healthier people. With growth in Alanon, we can begin to feel less guarded and more self assured of our choices even safe as you mentioned. It takes a little time to get use to this new way of feeling for sure. It's a nice change :) Glad this guy is good for you and this new relationship is bringing you happiness one day at a time. ((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 3rd of March 2017 07:26:22 PM
just copied and pasted the line above because it's so me too ..
Now I'm in a relationship with a guy who is going through some rough stuff at the moment and he does something for me even when there is a disagreement and I question why. (I relate to this on such a deep level i even get suspicious with my higher power, but I'm guessing insanity and paranoid go hand in hand sometimes) .. oye ..
Yes .. I realize now how much my parents conditioned me to expect conditions to be attached to what was given and these are things that should have been given freely .. unconditional love .. there was the expectation set or perceived if I do this then you are expected to behavior ABC. When I didn't behave ABC there was a consequence that was bizarrely loose. So I really lowered my expectations regarding my parents and what they gave me emotionally .. with my kids I try to do different .. I'm not going to lie .. I have to think about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I have to remind myself to hug them good night .. I have to remind myself to hug them when I get home .. thankfully they are of the upbringing that they know if I don't make the move they are free to do so without the worry of rejection .. although I have moments when I am sick I don't want anyone touching me .. LOL. They realize immediately I am sick and don't want to be bothered by anyone .. leave me to my misery and it will be ok there is zero rejection attached and we have had this conversation. To make up my parents gave materially which sent the wrong message to me .. it was extremely confusing to a child that was and is very literal.
YES .. I do question my HP .. sometimes I think that's ok because it's ok to think and not blindly follow .. what happened to the sheep that just kept running towards the cliff? They ran off the cliff .. so I really have to focus on what is my HP's will and what is MY will .. which always gets me into trouble .. LOL.
Very glad not to be doing this journey alone I have had a lot going on recently and it's always nice to touch base and figure out what is and is not going on.
Love your shares, girl! Looks like you're doing great! HUGS!