My RA husband was grumpy yesterday, and didn't want to go up and socialize with our friends. (They didn't drink in front of him last time, so that wasn't it, and they encouraged and said how proud of him they were for going through treatment. We're in Hawaii, so we don't get to see these friends very often. He told me to go up by myself to pick up our coffee, as he didn't want to sit and visit. Well, I got to gabbing, another friend showed up, and we all just sat and visited for a couple hours. I got back to the condo, and he was gone. I finally found him down on a bench upset because I was gone so long. I just feel like giving up. I know staying sober, and all the emotions are hard for him, but I just still feel like I can do nothing right. :( Just so lost.
2accept said
Mar 1, 2017
You mentioned he went to treatment. Is he going to AA meetings daily, speaking to his sponsor at least once a week or more, and learning to apply the 12 steps to his life? If he drank daily, the spiritual awareness is that the alcoholic can't stay sober today on yesterday's recovery. Recovery is done on a daily basis...just for today.
Mood swings are common in early recovery for both the AA and Alanon members. We don't have to be miserable just cause the alcoholic is. Detachment comes as a result of working the Alanon program. It's not our job to try to make the "dry-drunk" happy. Happiness is an "inside job" based on our spiritual fitness. If I'm not spiritually fit, then my emotions will be like a yo-yo. The alcoholic has the right to be miserable, but I choose not to be a victim to his misery. We have a choice with the help of Alanon and HP to think differently.
Much hope and healing for you.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 1, 2017
Hugs RL17,
Recovery is not easy .. worth it .. just sometimes it's hard and frustrating.
I really encourage you to focus on your own recovery and let him focus on his. I know and believe me I know it's not easy to let someone be where they are at specifically when they are acting like an a$$. Sometimes an a$$ is just an a$$ whatever he is or is not going through he needs to deal with his stuff and you just try to love and appreciate him where he is at .. I have learned the most kind thing I can give to someone else is to allow them to be free to be them. While enjoying the same freedom in the fact I receive the same gift maybe not from that person however from the people who know and understand where I am at today.
I had a discussion with a girlfriend recently who was twisting and turning about a guy and what should she do and she did something wrong .. we had a good laugh because I pointed out umm .. seriously .. if one sentence freaked him out .. he's so not the guy for you. His behavior is not about her. That's my thoughts is whatever your RA is doing or not doing .. not about you .. oh I'm sure he can make you feel that it's about you .. so what .. you had a good time without him .. without booze that's not your issue that's his demons screaming and he needs to address those to move forward. If he's been to rehab he has the tools to help him move forward and he needs to choose those tools it's not your job to be the AA police. No .. you didn't do anything wrong by having coffee with some friends and chatting for a couple of hours .. he was welcome to come and chose not to .. that's on him not you.
Hugs S :)
maryjane said
Mar 1, 2017
Hi, I feel for you. I just returned from Kauai with the RAH. We also stayed in a condo, but we didn't have friends also staying there. How I wish we did.
Your hubby made the choice not to go with you to see them for coffee. Then he got all moody because you were gone so long. He could just as easily walked toward you and the coffee group as walking farther away from you and your friends to be by himself on the beach. Don't feel bad for him. He is a grown man who makes choices. It wasn't your choice, it was his to walk further away.
You did what was right. Feel good about that. I always felt (and I sometimes still feel) that he is trying to change me/ change my personality, and make me act more like him..... and I am resisting, but it makes me feel bad. And then I put the shoe on the other foot and I think "what if I did that to him?" and I realize that it is a crappy thing to do to anyone. Him to me- or me to him.
You say "I know staying sober, and all the emotions are hard for him, but I just still feel like I can do nothing right. :( "........ I say to you- don't worry about his sobriety. You have been there for him through all these years. He HAS TO do this on his own! I know you know this, but I'm not sure he does.
I got a Valentine's day card from my RAH. I said something about "I need you". AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGG. I tossed it down and gagged. I felt like an octopus was hugging me. I don't want to be needed. I want to be wanted. It took me a lot of AlAnon to get to that point. I always felt good being needed. I could feel his emotions and never have any of my own emotions when I was needed. When I decided I didn't want to be needed, but instead to be wanted, it took a lot of weight off my shoulders. I could concentrate on being me and being the best me I could be. I didn't have to worry about him anymore because AlAnon made me believe that his HP would take care of him, not me.
You have lots of compassion but..... have some more for yourself.
Iamhere said
Mar 2, 2017
Great share maryjane - can totally, totally relate....I clearly remember the point at which I truly accepted that what others think/say/etc. about me is not about me - it's about them. I have to remind myself of this often and just do the best next thing I can do.
It took a ton of practice for me to separate my qualifier from the disease, my emotions from their words/actions and my response choices to their words/actions. I am still a work in progress here, but the simple abbreviated Serenity Prayer of "Bless Them, Change Me" helps in the heat of the moment.
We do not have to pick up the rope when it's laid at our feet. We always have choices. I have started my day over many, many times - outloud and proud even. (((Hugs))) RL - breathe, breathe and just let go and let God. Enjoy Hawaii and the vacation!
My RA husband was grumpy yesterday, and didn't want to go up and socialize with our friends. (They didn't drink in front of him last time, so that wasn't it, and they encouraged and said how proud of him they were for going through treatment. We're in Hawaii, so we don't get to see these friends very often. He told me to go up by myself to pick up our coffee, as he didn't want to sit and visit. Well, I got to gabbing, another friend showed up, and we all just sat and visited for a couple hours. I got back to the condo, and he was gone. I finally found him down on a bench upset because I was gone so long. I just feel like giving up. I know staying sober, and all the emotions are hard for him, but I just still feel like I can do nothing right. :( Just so lost.
Recovery is not easy .. worth it .. just sometimes it's hard and frustrating.
I really encourage you to focus on your own recovery and let him focus on his. I know and believe me I know it's not easy to let someone be where they are at specifically when they are acting like an a$$. Sometimes an a$$ is just an a$$ whatever he is or is not going through he needs to deal with his stuff and you just try to love and appreciate him where he is at .. I have learned the most kind thing I can give to someone else is to allow them to be free to be them. While enjoying the same freedom in the fact I receive the same gift maybe not from that person however from the people who know and understand where I am at today.
I had a discussion with a girlfriend recently who was twisting and turning about a guy and what should she do and she did something wrong .. we had a good laugh because I pointed out umm .. seriously .. if one sentence freaked him out .. he's so not the guy for you. His behavior is not about her. That's my thoughts is whatever your RA is doing or not doing .. not about you .. oh I'm sure he can make you feel that it's about you .. so what .. you had a good time without him .. without booze that's not your issue that's his demons screaming and he needs to address those to move forward. If he's been to rehab he has the tools to help him move forward and he needs to choose those tools it's not your job to be the AA police. No .. you didn't do anything wrong by having coffee with some friends and chatting for a couple of hours .. he was welcome to come and chose not to .. that's on him not you.
Hugs S :)
Your hubby made the choice not to go with you to see them for coffee. Then he got all moody because you were gone so long. He could just as easily walked toward you and the coffee group as walking farther away from you and your friends to be by himself on the beach. Don't feel bad for him. He is a grown man who makes choices. It wasn't your choice, it was his to walk further away.
You did what was right. Feel good about that. I always felt (and I sometimes still feel) that he is trying to change me/ change my personality, and make me act more like him..... and I am resisting, but it makes me feel bad. And then I put the shoe on the other foot and I think "what if I did that to him?" and I realize that it is a crappy thing to do to anyone. Him to me- or me to him.
You say "I know staying sober, and all the emotions are hard for him, but I just still feel like I can do nothing right. :( "........ I say to you- don't worry about his sobriety. You have been there for him through all these years. He HAS TO do this on his own! I know you know this, but I'm not sure he does.
I got a Valentine's day card from my RAH. I said something about "I need you". AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGG. I tossed it down and gagged. I felt like an octopus was hugging me. I don't want to be needed. I want to be wanted. It took me a lot of AlAnon to get to that point. I always felt good being needed. I could feel his emotions and never have any of my own emotions when I was needed. When I decided I didn't want to be needed, but instead to be wanted, it took a lot of weight off my shoulders. I could concentrate on being me and being the best me I could be. I didn't have to worry about him anymore because AlAnon made me believe that his HP would take care of him, not me.
You have lots of compassion but..... have some more for yourself.
It took a ton of practice for me to separate my qualifier from the disease, my emotions from their words/actions and my response choices to their words/actions. I am still a work in progress here, but the simple abbreviated Serenity Prayer of "Bless Them, Change Me" helps in the heat of the moment.
We do not have to pick up the rope when it's laid at our feet. We always have choices. I have started my day over many, many times - outloud and proud even. (((Hugs))) RL - breathe, breathe and just let go and let God. Enjoy Hawaii and the vacation!