I dont really know if al-anon is for me or not as being a west of scotland 59 year old male I'm meant to be old enough,tough enough and wise enough to deal with all lifes problems without flinching. I'm at the moment too scared to go near a meeting as in these parts thats what a sniveling weakling would do but I am now reaching breaking point with my AW of 30+years.
sorry, I just posted to say hello
SerenityRUS said
Feb 28, 2017
Welcome Numan,
Addiction doesn't discriminate although wouldn't it be nice if it did, you are in the right place.
We have a lot of men who are on the boards so they will be able to give more guidance in that regard. As far as feeling weak because you are a man there is no such thing. Addiction is something none of us can do alone. This is a safe place to put things out on paper and figure out where you are in your own recovery and processing of feelings. None of this is easy so keep coming back read some posts take what you like and you will find you like more and more.
Hugs S :)
KennyFenderjazz said
Feb 28, 2017
Hi numan,
I went to my first meeting because of anger. I didn't really feel weak, I felt very angry that my wife had ruined my life, our family, spent tens of thousands of dollars on legal bills, etc etc. How dare she do that??!
Nevertheless, I was scared as heck to go to a meeting. I didn't know what it was all about, and didn't want to expose this familial problem any more to the outside world than it already had.
What I found was a bunch of people who have been there done that, and didn't judge me. They didn't judge me for me allowing my wife's unacceptable behavior, than a little later I found they didn't judge me for behaviors that I was starting to understand in myself that were part of the problem. They had all been through this crazy ruide as well, and knew what it took to get through it in one piece.
So I just sat and listened. And then I didn't go for a year after about 3 meetings. And then it was time for me to truly recover, and I sat at meetings and listened again. Then I started talking. Then I started growing. And being able to deal with my circumstances.
I hope you decide to go, it certainly helped me understand my wife's alcoholism, and then it helped me understand me. That was the beginning of wisdom. At 55 years old. And I still have a long ways to go, but that's OK because I'm a work in progress!
Kenny
hotrod said
Feb 28, 2017
Welcome Numan NO one can handle living with the disease of alcoholosm alone. It takes courage to reach out and ask fo help as you have done. I am glad you did and i assure that there is hope and help please keep coming back.
Jerry F said
Feb 28, 2017
m
Thanks Kenny for the honesty and Ouch!! because I could have also written it almost word for word.
Numan let me help you to reach the breaking point and then linger with you for a while with the pain to learn it is temporary. Your post reminds me to pray for the breaking point....the point where I open my fist and stop swinging and accept my powerlessness as this program has taught me. Alcoholism love the macho guys because it always wins and leaves guys laying around in various forms of defeat. I am in both programs finding AA after 9 years of Al-Anon and attempting to fix an alcoholic/addict wife. I could not do God work. Only God can and could do it and that is how she eventually got clean and sober...I should have never considered a peaceful successful life with another alcoholic/addict spouse (my 3rd) and then..... Although my journey was loud and insane and almost fatal the breaking point was quiet and serene as I learned that the God of my understanding is also merciful and compassionate and supportive I didn't only let her free, I also let my family of origin free too.
Place her in your hands and lift those hand above your head and then bring them back down empty...leave her to your HP. In support...love and prayers. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 28th of February 2017 08:01:52 PM
el-cee said
Mar 1, 2017
Welcome, Im also from where your from and when I walked in the doors of alanon 5 years ago, I was a snivelling weakling and funnily enough im so grateful for that. This disease beat me and brought me to a place in recovery called surrender. It was vital for me because it was at this point I had ran out of my own idea that I could fix the alcoholic in my life. I couldnt and cant and thank God I know it. We are lucky in this part of the world we have local meetings, meetings in the cities, all over the place so go on the website and get yourself some recovery just for you.
numan said
Mar 1, 2017
Thank you all for replying to my post, its very much appreciated. My big problem is that my wife drinks regularly always getting drunk but has recovered next day and we can carry on our lives, then every so often she just drinks and drinks for days on end and in these episodes she can't even walk and has to be helped to bed,bathroom etc, she then sleeps for a few hours before it starts all over again. I'm worried if I Left she would have an accident and I'd never forgive myself. I even go get her booze as letting her go in traffic would be more irresponsible than getting it for her on my part.
I know alanon is not a quick fix but I do feel.....god knows what I feel...I think I'm in a bad country song
hotrod said
Mar 1, 2017
You are not alone . Please believe alanon can help by offering constructive tools to live by and a new outlook on life. I too purchased alcohol for my son because i did not want him driving. No one in alanon will give you advise as we believe that the answers for each person is within that person. Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic, disease over which we are powerless. Keep reading here and keep an open mind.
2accept said
Mar 1, 2017
Hi Numan... soon to be a "New Man" with the help of Alanon! Alcoholism is an equal opportunity offender. It doesn't care if you're: male or female, young or old, rich or poor, educated or uneducated, etc, etc. Alcoholism has only one agenda --To Destroy. Alanon and HP of your own choosing, can stomp out the deadly affects of active insanity, which living with an alcoholic can cause. There are no "John Wayne" heroes in Alanon. Remember, most heroes are dead heroes. Admission that there is a major problem with a loved one and we can't handle it any longer by ourselves is a huge step forward. Sometimes our hitting of our bottom can be a catalyst for the alcoholic to hit their bottom. Their bottom is not our fault... no matter how low they have to go. I stopped buying the poison that made my alcoholic sicker and left "their bottom" in HP's hands.
So glad you've reached out. There is hope.
KennyFenderjazz said
Mar 1, 2017
Hi numan,
I've had those kinds of dilemmas as well. I have felt anchored to the couch watching my passed-out wife waiting for her to try to get up and get to the bathroom/bed. In those times, I could also get on here, and sometimes go to the online meetings. The 9 AM one here would be at 1400 your time, the 9 PM would be 3 AM your time. But often the chat rooms have someone in there between meetings as well.
Feel free to keep coming back, if you are here enough, perhaps you will figure something out that will allow you to attend meetings and still make you feel that your wife is safe. I also have done some alcohol buying for the wife, I wasn't happy about it, but I did what I thought that I had to do to keep my family safe. As Betty said, we aren't here to judge, we are here to give you our experiences that can hopefully help you gain new insight, get out of feeling trapped, and realize that you aren't alone.
Keep coming back!
Kenny
Iamhere said
Mar 2, 2017
Welcome numan to MIP! So glad you found us and so glad that you joined right in and shared. The disease of alcoholism is maddening at best, and beyond damaging for all involved. It is considered a family disease as it reaches out beyond the A and sucks us in as well. You are not alone, and even if you aren't ready for a meeting, that's OK! It might help you to consider if you realize that we all come together and share only Experience, Strength & Hope - no advice and no judgement.
We (members) also take anonymity very seriously - reminded at each meeting, "Who you see here, What you hear here, When you leave here - let it stay here." What this means is nobody shares attendance or contents outside of the room - at any point in time.
Meetings gave me a safe place to listen (at first) and then share my pain, fears, etc. I was able to listen how others came in feeling broken like me and find a better life using all the tools of recovery. I trusted over time that I was not alone, my shares were confidential and there truly was no judgement. Freedom for me from my obsession about my qualifiers came when I committed to the program and worked it as best I could.
Please keep coming back - there is always hope and help in recovery!!
numan said
Mar 2, 2017
Thank you all again for your warm welcoming words and encouragement. I took another step towards going to a meeting by driving to the local group hall to check out parking etc.
I was far too timid to even think about going in.
One of my biggest fears is that I've never been in any way religious and when reading up on this forum, 12 steps and things I see "God" is mentioned lots and this is a bit scary.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 2, 2017
Don't let that bother you because we don't talk about God in the traditional sense .. it's a higher power .. what do you deem bigger than you and believe me if it works for you it can be anything.
12 Step programs are not for the religious .. they are for the open minded spiritually based and that can mean atheist as well.
The God of my understanding is far different than the God I thought I knew. That's how I refer to my higher power .. others refer to their HP in other ways.
This opens the door for people who are not spiritually or religiously based for a deeper understanding of what their higher power is ..
Good luck and I hope you decide to venture in to a meeting!!
hotrod said
Mar 2, 2017
numan Alanon is a spiritual program and everyone is encouraged to define the God of their own understanding Many, like myself, choose the principles of the program as their own GOD or- Good Orderly Directions is another. Many are atheist and still are able to relate. Please know that you are not alone. It is not a religion-- We are all encouraged to take what you need and leave the rest.
-
Bethany66 said
Mar 2, 2017
Sometimes small steps get you to the same place as big ones! You are doing fine numan!
I think we can too often be put off by what we fear and miss the beauty of a program that is very gentle, very non-discriminatory and allows us the freedom to make the HP what we feel best works for us. Nature, the program itself (based on the 12 steps and 12 traditions), or the power that holds the universe together all can be considered a HP. I guess it is anything you can define as a power greater than yourself. Most of us, at the time we hit the doors felt that almost ANYTHING had power greater than ourselves!! :)
Please don't let fear keep you from an amazing program that gives you the tools to feel hope and strength again. Everyone in the room was a newcomer at one meeting. We have many newcomers each week at my home meeting. The world is hurting and we all need a safe place to come and garner strength.
I dont really know if al-anon is for me or not as being a west of scotland 59 year old male I'm meant to be old enough,tough enough and wise enough to deal with all lifes problems without flinching. I'm at the moment too scared to go near a meeting as in these parts thats what a sniveling weakling would do but I am now reaching breaking point with my AW of 30+years.
sorry, I just posted to say hello
Addiction doesn't discriminate although wouldn't it be nice if it did, you are in the right place.
We have a lot of men who are on the boards so they will be able to give more guidance in that regard. As far as feeling weak because you are a man there is no such thing. Addiction is something none of us can do alone. This is a safe place to put things out on paper and figure out where you are in your own recovery and processing of feelings. None of this is easy so keep coming back read some posts take what you like and you will find you like more and more.
Hugs S :)
I went to my first meeting because of anger. I didn't really feel weak, I felt very angry that my wife had ruined my life, our family, spent tens of thousands of dollars on legal bills, etc etc. How dare she do that??!
Nevertheless, I was scared as heck to go to a meeting. I didn't know what it was all about, and didn't want to expose this familial problem any more to the outside world than it already had.
What I found was a bunch of people who have been there done that, and didn't judge me. They didn't judge me for me allowing my wife's unacceptable behavior, than a little later I found they didn't judge me for behaviors that I was starting to understand in myself that were part of the problem. They had all been through this crazy ruide as well, and knew what it took to get through it in one piece.
So I just sat and listened. And then I didn't go for a year after about 3 meetings. And then it was time for me to truly recover, and I sat at meetings and listened again. Then I started talking. Then I started growing. And being able to deal with my circumstances.
I hope you decide to go, it certainly helped me understand my wife's alcoholism, and then it helped me understand me. That was the beginning of wisdom. At 55 years old. And I still have a long ways to go, but that's OK because I'm a work in progress!
Kenny
m
Thanks Kenny for the honesty and Ouch!! because I could have also written it almost word for word.
Numan let me help you to reach the breaking point and then linger with you for a while with the pain to learn it is temporary. Your post reminds me to pray for the breaking point....the point where I open my fist and stop swinging and accept my powerlessness as this program has taught me. Alcoholism love the macho guys because it always wins and leaves guys laying around in various forms of defeat. I am in both programs finding AA after 9 years of Al-Anon and attempting to fix an alcoholic/addict wife. I could not do God work. Only God can and could do it and that is how she eventually got clean and sober...I should have never considered a peaceful successful life with another alcoholic/addict spouse (my 3rd) and then..... Although my journey was loud and insane and almost fatal the breaking point was quiet and serene as I learned that the God of my understanding is also merciful and compassionate and supportive I didn't only let her free, I also let my family of origin free too.
Place her in your hands and lift those hand above your head and then bring them back down empty...leave her to your HP. In support...love and prayers. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 28th of February 2017 08:01:52 PM
I know alanon is not a quick fix but I do feel.....god knows what I feel...I think I'm in a bad country song
You are not alone . Please believe alanon can help by offering constructive tools to live by and a new outlook on life.
I too purchased alcohol for my son because i did not want him driving. No one in alanon will give you advise as we believe that the answers for each person is within that person. Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic, disease over which we are powerless.
Keep reading here and keep an open mind.
I've had those kinds of dilemmas as well. I have felt anchored to the couch watching my passed-out wife waiting for her to try to get up and get to the bathroom/bed. In those times, I could also get on here, and sometimes go to the online meetings. The 9 AM one here would be at 1400 your time, the 9 PM would be 3 AM your time. But often the chat rooms have someone in there between meetings as well.
Feel free to keep coming back, if you are here enough, perhaps you will figure something out that will allow you to attend meetings and still make you feel that your wife is safe. I also have done some alcohol buying for the wife, I wasn't happy about it, but I did what I thought that I had to do to keep my family safe. As Betty said, we aren't here to judge, we are here to give you our experiences that can hopefully help you gain new insight, get out of feeling trapped, and realize that you aren't alone.
Keep coming back!
Kenny
We (members) also take anonymity very seriously - reminded at each meeting, "Who you see here, What you hear here, When you leave here - let it stay here." What this means is nobody shares attendance or contents outside of the room - at any point in time.
Meetings gave me a safe place to listen (at first) and then share my pain, fears, etc. I was able to listen how others came in feeling broken like me and find a better life using all the tools of recovery. I trusted over time that I was not alone, my shares were confidential and there truly was no judgement. Freedom for me from my obsession about my qualifiers came when I committed to the program and worked it as best I could.
Please keep coming back - there is always hope and help in recovery!!
I was far too timid to even think about going in.
One of my biggest fears is that I've never been in any way religious and when reading up on this forum, 12 steps and things I see "God" is mentioned lots and this is a bit scary.
12 Step programs are not for the religious .. they are for the open minded spiritually based and that can mean atheist as well.
The God of my understanding is far different than the God I thought I knew. That's how I refer to my higher power .. others refer to their HP in other ways.
This opens the door for people who are not spiritually or religiously based for a deeper understanding of what their higher power is ..
Good luck and I hope you decide to venture in to a meeting!!
numan Alanon is a spiritual program and everyone is encouraged to define the God of their own understanding Many, like myself, choose the principles of the program as their own GOD or- Good Orderly Directions is another.
Many are atheist and still are able to relate. Please know that you are not alone. It is not a religion-- We are all encouraged to take what you need and leave the rest.
-
I think we can too often be put off by what we fear and miss the beauty of a program that is very gentle, very non-discriminatory and allows us the freedom to make the HP what we feel best works for us. Nature, the program itself (based on the 12 steps and 12 traditions), or the power that holds the universe together all can be considered a HP. I guess it is anything you can define as a power greater than yourself. Most of us, at the time we hit the doors felt that almost ANYTHING had power greater than ourselves!! :)
Please don't let fear keep you from an amazing program that gives you the tools to feel hope and strength again. Everyone in the room was a newcomer at one meeting. We have many newcomers each week at my home meeting. The world is hurting and we all need a safe place to come and garner strength.
All the best to you!
Your post just reminded me of this
http://ru.memegenerator.net/instance/61497456
I was searching for Al-Anon humour once and found this.
Hope you give it a go.
Time for me to leave for my noon meeting here.
Nora (Australia)
PS Once when i was in Florida i was in a meeting that was almost all men so you guys are catching up.