I get it (in my own way). I can read these posts over and over, some bits hit home other not so much.
Doing what right for me most definitely won't be right for the next.
My A was at it again. This he choose to remove himself from the room. That helped me to detach. I could carry on my night.
This morning I fell back to my old habit of confronting him. I woke him up. I got snapped at (I would too...don't wake me from my slumber there will be he'll to pay lol), but mostly importantly I said what I mean, mean what I say, didn't say it mean.
He never responded. Shock! I did use a lot of "i" statments. I left the room before anger got over.
Before I left for the day I went back to give him a kiss (12 years every morning) I laid my head on his chest. He was crying.
The last 2 things I said were....you are killing me. And I wanted to grow old with you I know now that isn't going to happen. Of course I was crying. It didn't say anything else, just left.
Right or wrong it was what I needed to do. For me I feel a little better. Fully aware this is a rough road I have accepted to be on on will be for the rest of my life.
KennyFenderjazz said
Feb 28, 2017
Curlyblu wrote:
(I would too...don't wake me from my slumber there will be he'll to pay lol),
I love this statement. We lose empathy with our As. After awhile, I didn't see anything wrong with waking my wife up out of a sound sleep, treating her as though she was less than human, etc. After all, she's the one that got drunk, she should be able to listen to my anger whenever I feel like expressing it!
That beginning of returning empathy was a turning point for me. My wife has told me that she knows I love her because I'm not mean to her if/when she relapses. She left off the anymore. part - I'm not mean anymore.
That's a biggie that Al Anon gave me.
Kenny
Curlyblu said
Feb 28, 2017
That is one of my biggest downfalls is that I do have empathy for my A. I will choose my words better to express that I wasn't doing anything to treat him less than human.
Jerry F said
Feb 28, 2017
"Keep coming back....it works when you work it" promise made and promise kept. I use to think miracles were biblical stories pre-organized religion times and then changed my mind after "it works when you work it" came into my Al-Anon remake up. I've had more than my share of them including the ones which have appeared after living the principle of take what you like and leave the rest (for later). My HP knows how to insert miracles into my life and for that I am grateful.
I am going thru one presently and have been for the past 3 days (mine are not flashes) HP loves to see me tear up at times and smile at others. I will relate it on this board at a later date. For now I am letting it play out while doing my part in it. ((((hugs))))
Curlyblu said
Feb 28, 2017
Keep coming back is so important to me. I can come and share my what I am going through at that moment. I might take one step forward and three back, I know where I want to go. To a place I will see much more clearer than I do right now. There isn't a magic switch, at least I haven't found it, to completely switch off how I once thought. How I once handled things. I think this is where I am supposed to be growing.
Jerry F said
Mar 1, 2017
That is a great outlook and perception. (((hugs)))
Curlyblu said
Mar 1, 2017
Today was another first for me. I openly discussed my A with my health care provider. To speak so openly was very hard.
Curlyblu said
Mar 2, 2017
Sometime we reflect and it brings ugly feelings. Like resentment. I realized that I held a lot of resentment towards people. People I let in to my life....whoa wait....I let this person in now I have resentment? I discovered it is out of fear. Because they knew. They knew about my personal turmoil. They knew about my A. How dare they spread that s**t about me. Wait I let them in. That says a huge amount about me and I need to work on. Letting things go. This isn't the type of relationship that I can, want or need to repair. When I take out the resentment part of this relationship, I see that the friendship itself wasn't healthy. There have been people all through my life that have been such an energy drain that I just had to walk away. ******************* So why don't I have resentment towards my A? I think it's because I felt I could control it. I kept it under "lock". I should have resentment towards him. Maybe it's the love/commitment thing, I don't know. Now how can I say that living with an A doesn't drain my energy. ************************* One was a friend I trusted, who wasn't positive about anything in life sucked out all my "good vibes" left me feeling drained. I walked away. But held on to the resentment. The other is an active A, who can go from drunk multiple nights a week to days dry. That has surely had to have drained my energy. But yet for some reason I feel safe. (When looking at the whole picture.....there have been moment I was most defiantly scared). Possibly because he is one of my deepest darkest secrets. *********************** There was a share about a story of someone's first meeting. Going with in the idea that they were going to get all the answers to solve fix the A in thier life. And was rather mad that the group just listened. Didn't tell them what to do. I sooooo understand. For me I'm seeing more and more, reading posts, thinking about the words I have read that....it makes me look inside me. Ouch that can be an ugly place with all the messed up emtions. It would be soooo much easier to get someone to tell me how to put a bandaid on this resentment, rather than looking at what caused it. Me. That's a huge OUCH!
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 2nd of March 2017 07:01:27 AM
hotrod said
Mar 2, 2017
((Curlyblu)) Program works Your awareness and acceptance of yourself and what you are uncovering are powerful steps toward your recovery. Going inward and discovering what we are doing to hurt ourselves certainly is an eye opener, I can identify with all you have posted. I held on to anger, resentment and self pity because I thought I needed to keep reminding myself of the problems I encountered so as to not repeat the same mistake again. Program advised"Not so"- instead review the situation and learn the lessons from the event and then move forward free of the event and feelings That worked.
Keep on keeping on you are on your way
Iamhere said
Mar 2, 2017
I agree with Betty above me - your awareness and acceptance of yourself and what is being revealed is growth and powerful. The program does work when we work it - and we are worth it! I recall vividly the moment I realized that I was not a victim; instead I was a volunteer. I too allowed others into my life, not realizing that my picker was broken. I clearly picked others who were 'at par' with me "then"....what I mean by this is I suffered from denial, low self-esteem, low self-worth, etc. and that's what I attracted/selected in partners, friends, etc.
As I slowly worked the program, and began to change into a more spiritual person, I began to examine what I truly need in a 'friend'. I don't have a checklist or anything like that, but I do now carefully consider if they are a giver or a taker. I am hugely opposed to gossip of any kind at any time - good news or not. It took my own children telling me that their story is not mine to tell even if it affects me and they were right. I have a right to my feelings and my truths and my worries/concerns/recovery/etc, but I had to figure out a way to express my story without blaming/shaming them.
I also had to seriously change up who I shared what with. I had a minor car accident which set off a crazy chain of events - when accident happened, I was starting a 3 hour road trip to pick up my mother at an airport in a nearby city. My car was too damaged to make the trip, so I reached out to a program 'friend' first for help. I reached out to one of my aunt's also who could not help. They could not help me so I reached out to my son. He, his GF, their baby and I all took off to make the trip. Before we even got to my mother, several in my family were calling asking if my mother or I was hurt in the accident and bla-bla-bla....drove me crazy - most because I had 2 broken thumbs from air bag.
By the time I got to my next meeting 3 days later, I had moved beyond it all. Needless to say, several people inquired about my 'accident' - *sigh*. I was amazed at how others share mindless unimportant information, and decided that gossip - good, bad, indifferent - often feeds the ego. This made me seriously look at my own habits of sharing as well as how to share, what to share and with whom do I share events/issues in my life.
Powerful lessons in recovery taught me that I truly do control who is in my life, what parts of me I allow them to see/know and how I allow their words/action to affect my spirit. I have choices today that I did not realize or know about before and it makes me very grateful!!
Curlyblu said
Mar 3, 2017
Iamhere wrote:
As I slowly worked the program, and began to change into a more spiritual person, I began to examine what I truly need in a 'friend'. I don't have a checklist or anything like that, but I do now carefully consider if they are a giver or a taker. I am hugely opposed to gossip of any kind at any time - good news or not. It took my own children telling me that their story is not mine to tell even if it affects me and they were right. I have a right to my feelings and my truths and my worries/concerns/recovery/etc, but I had to figure out a way to express my story without blaming/shaming them.
How so very true! I agree, being surrounded by the right people is so very important. Not that we can always have that way, sometimes there are those people who have to be in your life that you can't control (such as work the place). And this can be a source of to negativity. At least for me it is. I can't remove myself from that completely without quitting my job only to move onto another and find the same type of thing.
Yesterday, after reading this I was a little more aware of our daily conversations while at work. As the day progressed, I learnt how wide ranged our conversations can be, (my work place is all women and involes healthcare) while we are "working" our job requires us to discuss people. It was the break room that I really paid more attention. The conversation would go from redecorating a home to baking. When someone asked about another worker who has been off due to illness, that was when I heard your words again. "not my story to tell". The ladies that talk about her condition were indeed closer friends I am to her, I do have real concern for her health, praying for a speedy recovery. But does she want me to know/find out in this fashion. It really is her story to tell, to those who she really wants to know of her condtion. I sat and listened. I didn't add my concern into the conversation like I normally would have. That is for me, to share with her personally. Later, another worker came to "vent" her frustrations because of the "didn't do/ what shouldn't be doing" of another worker. I listened, and only words that came to me how I understood her frustrations, and suggested she polietly bring it to her the reasons why it is done in this certain way, and how it directly effects the jobs they both had to do. I ended the conversation before an attack of the other lady would have started "she is this, she is that"
Becoming more aware of how I am outside my "chaos" life at home, is something I never thought I needed to work on. That part of my life was "fine". Home sucked.
Having readjusted my thoughts, I found I could apply it at home too. My A was at a social meeting, one member of the group had a job to do, that directly effected an event being planned by my A. As my A shared how he felt that something wasn't being done because it effected his group, he felt that it was out of ingnorance/spike. Unfortunatley I at this particular time I couldn't disagree with him. But instead of continuing the conversation into a blame game,and attack of this person. All I could say was, "that could very well be, but that is completely his issue to deal with the ingnorance and spike." That ended the conversation. And we carried on.
I really can change my thought pattern, my words, my actions. One day at a time.
(((Iamhere))) thank-you. Your share really touched me
Iamhere said
Mar 3, 2017
(((CurlyBlu))) - you are so right that we will find all kinds of folks in our daily journey. My reference was mostly to friends, with whom I share. I do remember how the discussions/gossip hummed in the work place. I also remember that at one time, I participated - sometimes with ill intent and other times with the best of intentions. As I got saner in recovery, I discovered that both scenarios made me feel uncomfortable so I just decided to either sit quiet or depart...I don't have to express myself, I only have to manage me and my actions.
One day at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time.....that's the way I roll!
I love this statement. We lose empathy with our As. After awhile, I didn't see anything wrong with waking my wife up out of a sound sleep, treating her as though she was less than human, etc. After all, she's the one that got drunk, she should be able to listen to my anger whenever I feel like expressing it!
That beginning of returning empathy was a turning point for me. My wife has told me that she knows I love her because I'm not mean to her if/when she relapses. She left off the anymore. part - I'm not mean anymore.
That's a biggie that Al Anon gave me.
Kenny
"Keep coming back....it works when you work it" promise made and promise kept. I use to think miracles were biblical stories pre-organized religion times and then changed my mind after "it works when you work it" came into my Al-Anon remake up. I've had more than my share of them including the ones which have appeared after living the principle of take what you like and leave the rest (for later). My HP knows how to insert miracles into my life and for that I am grateful.
I am going thru one presently and have been for the past 3 days (mine are not flashes) HP loves to see me tear up at times and smile at others. I will relate it on this board at a later date. For now I am letting it play out while doing my part in it. ((((hugs))))
That is a great outlook and perception. (((hugs)))
Sometime we reflect and it brings ugly feelings. Like resentment. I realized that I held a lot of resentment towards people. People I let in to my life....whoa wait....I let this person in now I have resentment? I discovered it is out of fear. Because they knew. They knew about my personal turmoil. They knew about my A. How dare they spread that s**t about me. Wait I let them in. That says a huge amount about me and I need to work on. Letting things go. This isn't the type of relationship that I can, want or need to repair. When I take out the resentment part of this relationship, I see that the friendship itself wasn't healthy. There have been people all through my life that have been such an energy drain that I just had to walk away. ******************* So why don't I have resentment towards my A? I think it's because I felt I could control it. I kept it under "lock". I should have resentment towards him. Maybe it's the love/commitment thing, I don't know. Now how can I say that living with an A doesn't drain my energy. ************************* One was a friend I trusted, who wasn't positive about anything in life sucked out all my "good vibes" left me feeling drained. I walked away. But held on to the resentment. The other is an active A, who can go from drunk multiple nights a week to days dry. That has surely had to have drained my energy. But yet for some reason I feel safe. (When looking at the whole picture.....there have been moment I was most defiantly scared). Possibly because he is one of my deepest darkest secrets. *********************** There was a share about a story of someone's first meeting. Going with in the idea that they were going to get all the answers to solve fix the A in thier life. And was rather mad that the group just listened. Didn't tell them what to do. I sooooo understand. For me I'm seeing more and more, reading posts, thinking about the words I have read that....it makes me look inside me. Ouch that can be an ugly place with all the messed up emtions. It would be soooo much easier to get someone to tell me how to put a bandaid on this resentment, rather than looking at what caused it. Me. That's a huge OUCH!
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 2nd of March 2017 07:01:27 AM
((Curlyblu)) Program works Your awareness and acceptance of yourself and what you are uncovering are powerful steps toward your recovery. Going inward and discovering what we are doing to hurt ourselves certainly is an eye opener, I can identify with all you have posted. I held on to anger, resentment and self pity because I thought I needed to keep reminding myself of the problems I encountered so as to not repeat the same mistake again. Program advised"Not so"- instead review the situation and learn the lessons from the event and then move forward free of the event and feelings That worked.
Keep on keeping on you are on your way
As I slowly worked the program, and began to change into a more spiritual person, I began to examine what I truly need in a 'friend'. I don't have a checklist or anything like that, but I do now carefully consider if they are a giver or a taker. I am hugely opposed to gossip of any kind at any time - good news or not. It took my own children telling me that their story is not mine to tell even if it affects me and they were right. I have a right to my feelings and my truths and my worries/concerns/recovery/etc, but I had to figure out a way to express my story without blaming/shaming them.
I also had to seriously change up who I shared what with. I had a minor car accident which set off a crazy chain of events - when accident happened, I was starting a 3 hour road trip to pick up my mother at an airport in a nearby city. My car was too damaged to make the trip, so I reached out to a program 'friend' first for help. I reached out to one of my aunt's also who could not help. They could not help me so I reached out to my son. He, his GF, their baby and I all took off to make the trip. Before we even got to my mother, several in my family were calling asking if my mother or I was hurt in the accident and bla-bla-bla....drove me crazy - most because I had 2 broken thumbs from air bag.
By the time I got to my next meeting 3 days later, I had moved beyond it all. Needless to say, several people inquired about my 'accident' - *sigh*. I was amazed at how others share mindless unimportant information, and decided that gossip - good, bad, indifferent - often feeds the ego. This made me seriously look at my own habits of sharing as well as how to share, what to share and with whom do I share events/issues in my life.
Powerful lessons in recovery taught me that I truly do control who is in my life, what parts of me I allow them to see/know and how I allow their words/action to affect my spirit. I have choices today that I did not realize or know about before and it makes me very grateful!!
How so very true! I agree, being surrounded by the right people is so very important. Not that we can always have that way, sometimes there are those people who have to be in your life that you can't control (such as work the place). And this can be a source of to negativity. At least for me it is. I can't remove myself from that completely without quitting my job only to move onto another and find the same type of thing.
Yesterday, after reading this I was a little more aware of our daily conversations while at work. As the day progressed, I learnt how wide ranged our conversations can be, (my work place is all women and involes healthcare) while we are "working" our job requires us to discuss people. It was the break room that I really paid more attention. The conversation would go from redecorating a home to baking. When someone asked about another worker who has been off due to illness, that was when I heard your words again. "not my story to tell". The ladies that talk about her condition were indeed closer friends I am to her, I do have real concern for her health, praying for a speedy recovery. But does she want me to know/find out in this fashion. It really is her story to tell, to those who she really wants to know of her condtion. I sat and listened. I didn't add my concern into the conversation like I normally would have. That is for me, to share with her personally. Later, another worker came to "vent" her frustrations because of the "didn't do/ what shouldn't be doing" of another worker. I listened, and only words that came to me how I understood her frustrations, and suggested she polietly bring it to her the reasons why it is done in this certain way, and how it directly effects the jobs they both had to do. I ended the conversation before an attack of the other lady would have started "she is this, she is that"
Becoming more aware of how I am outside my "chaos" life at home, is something I never thought I needed to work on. That part of my life was "fine". Home sucked.
Having readjusted my thoughts, I found I could apply it at home too. My A was at a social meeting, one member of the group had a job to do, that directly effected an event being planned by my A. As my A shared how he felt that something wasn't being done because it effected his group, he felt that it was out of ingnorance/spike. Unfortunatley I at this particular time I couldn't disagree with him. But instead of continuing the conversation into a blame game,and attack of this person. All I could say was, "that could very well be, but that is completely his issue to deal with the ingnorance and spike." That ended the conversation. And we carried on.
I really can change my thought pattern, my words, my actions. One day at a time.
(((Iamhere))) thank-you. Your share really touched me
One day at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time.....that's the way I roll!