Its been a long time since I've been on here, as life was getting very crazy with my A. She stopped drinking on May 12th and her health quickly turned for the worse. When she was admitted into the hospital Dec. 5th, we weren't sure if she would come home. Her liver was quickly shutting down and her only hope wa a new liver. At that point she still wasn't on the list because she had to be clean and sober for six months. I was beginning to lose hope. Luckily there was a loophole and her two doctors pulling some major strings that got her to see a specialist to get her listed. Her attitude during all of this was extremely positive. I was doing everything I could on my end to keep her alive.
On December 27, she got the call that a new liver was available. She wasn't listed for two weeks yet. She got the surgery on the 28th and came home 5 days later. Lots of PT, OT, appointments, and prayer, she's almost past the scary part of the recovery process. She has been amazing. Thank you to all of you for helping me in the years of alcoholism that I struggled with. I wish to say it's all done, but I'm really going through some emotional stuff still.
I was talking to a friend about me, as she has been a close friend for almost 30 Years. She said I'm not looking worried anymore and that I was glowing. I'm not feeling glowing. In fact, I've been having daily outbursts that have been scaring me lately. I know I'm dealing with depression and anxiety and trying to find help has been expensive. She thinks I could be dealing with PTSD. I thought that might be a bit extreme, but I don't know. Things between my A and me are going great, but it feels like the rest of my life isn't going so well. I've been trying at work to get a promotion and been turned down though my coworkers don't see why as do I. I'm dealing with a financial burden as my spouse still isn't working yet. My house is in disarray as the bathroom is getting redone for her so she can have accommodations ( she fractured her back in the hospital as well making this necessary). Now that she has less dependence on me as a caregiver, I'm finding my purpose in things in life getting lost and my needs of challenge and purpose not being fulfilled. And it's eating me alive. I haven't found a good Al- anon group since my smaller group disbanded- the others are so large that I feel lost. I know through this process I am suffering personally and don't know how to deal with it. And I feel so guilty considering my A is doing so well and I'm not in spite of all the good I've witnessed in and through her. Thanks for listening.
a4l said
Feb 26, 2017
Wow Gabigail, you've come through a lot! I love your honesty about feeling lost now with greater independence, that's great insight.
To me, it sounds like your in an inbetween time. Massive health issues for significant other, ongoing financial ones, probably feels like there's no end in sight. Feels being the key word. Facts and feelings, remember. A bathroom renovation, the visual clutter doesnt help. But its a part of change and progress. It too shall pass. Feels like a chaotic mess, but is infact mere part of change leading to progress. I read transitions all through this post. Transitions are times where patience, especially with ourselves, is so important. Faith in your HP as you understand HP. You have been through a massive life change with your partners health issues. Give yourself credit.and that lessened dependence? Enjoy it, you certainly deserve it. I'm eating my own advice with that one too. I reckon if you get a chance to see how heavy the loads been over the last few years, by putting a bit down, it will give you the space to plan and regroup. I'm thinking partners decreased dependence might be that weight lifting slightly. I hope it is and wish you that respite. The job promotion missed this time.... Qtip it and remember HP always has impeccable timing. Hang in there!
hotrod said
Feb 26, 2017
((Gabigail))) one day at a time helped me to adjust to my "new normal". Prayers and positive thoughts on the way.
tiredtonite said
Feb 26, 2017
Glad you're back with us ((gabigail))) For some reason, that saying today is first day of the rest of you life came to mind after reading your post. I'll share my own experience with you concerning outbursts. Mine were negative ones. I know today that they came from stuffed feelings - repressed anger, fear and confusion. I experienced them when I was in the grief process and trying to push forward to the "new normal" as was stated by hotrod. I wondered who I'd be without this person in my life? The same could be said when in a small window of time my exah got sober while in a rehab. What would I do with myself? What's my job now that I am out of the job of getting him sober? And also, why does he have so many people giving him special attention while I've been through all of this and no one validates me? These were all things that I was internalizing an felt guilty expressing to others. Well, thank goodness for the rehab workers who directed me to Alanon. It was the beginning of letting those feeling out in a same environment, changing my focus to myself, redirecting my energy to what I could do for myself to honor my own life, learn what I liked and didn't, laugh again and pause to notice beautiful moments my higher power gifted me. I often say that Alanon turned my world from black and white to color. Honestly, I was so busy with my A, seasons would change and I didn't even notice.
I hope you won't worry too much or take personally being passed over at work a few times. Maybe it was your loving higher power protecting you, saying "not now," for a reason unknown to you. More may be revealed about all of that over time.
No doubt it comes as a relief that your A got the surgery and is doing well. I have a sober A in my home who sometimes reminds me and himself that we are living in just this 24 hour time period. There are no guarantees concerning sobriety but then that's true in all things in life isn't it? It can be hard to let go of that inclination to rescue him from himself when he's going through some life struggles. I realize though that doing so is a form of trying to control outcomes, forcing my will on another concerning their life. Heck, what do I know? Experience taught me trying to play god with my own life didn't work out too great.
I hope you keep coming back to share and that you find a meeting you like. I understand about those very large meetings. Where I use to live, a microphone was handed around to be sure others could hear you share. Today, I might be tempted to tell a joke or sing a little song. That's tremendous progress for someone who once took a back seat and cried through the whole meeting. I did find my first sponsor in just such a meeting and courage to keep coming back and for that I am very grateful. I hope you'll be gentle with yourself and give yourself time. It's so hard to let go and let god at times especially right after a crisis. I tended to anticipate the next. Of course, there was just as much of a chance for good things but I couldn't see it back then. If you're worrying, I hope you'll give yourself a day off from it and do something loving for you that brings serenity. My belief is hp wants the best for for each of us. Please take what you liked and leave the rest.
In support, TT
lookingup said
Feb 26, 2017
Wonderful replies givin here,I don't see how I could add more,
Except I to am working my own recovery today I'm striving instead of just surviving,and useing my tools often,helps me in all areas of my life thanks to a loving hp,great sponsor I do believe my hp guided me right to her,and for my 12 step work ,and readings , it's all magical my life has changed for the better ,getting better and better all the time,more I put into my recovery along with my knowledge I've already gained I'm a totally different person today ,others see it in me to .its like I'm taking a breath of fresh air all day every day....thanks to my ,hp sponsor ,12 step work...........((((((((hugs)))))))))....lu
Jerry F said
Feb 26, 2017
Oh WOW TT...I now know why HP brought me to the computer chair to sit and read before my morning meeting. So your heart has learned to use the keyboard to express great ESH to another family member. Mahalo for that grace...((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Feb 26, 2017
Hey gabigail - great to see you here and glad that your qualifier appears to be doing well and on the mend! I am sorry that you've got feelings and 'stuff' that's coming up. All I can say is that when things normalize after chaos, I tend to be unsettled in a state of is this the new normal? Is this going to last? Is this real? Etc - almost a projection in a shocked state of being.
I have always found my peace again when unsettled by going Back to Basics. Starting my day as I was taught when I first came with prayer, meditation and daily readers. Stay in the present, go to meetings, lean into fellowship, and end my day with my HP it just always works to help me realign.
Trust the process, your program and your HP. You've been under unimaginable stress and it's time to breathe and just stay present! (((Hugs))) to you both!
Hi everyone-
Its been a long time since I've been on here, as life was getting very crazy with my A. She stopped drinking on May 12th and her health quickly turned for the worse. When she was admitted into the hospital Dec. 5th, we weren't sure if she would come home. Her liver was quickly shutting down and her only hope wa a new liver. At that point she still wasn't on the list because she had to be clean and sober for six months. I was beginning to lose hope. Luckily there was a loophole and her two doctors pulling some major strings that got her to see a specialist to get her listed. Her attitude during all of this was extremely positive. I was doing everything I could on my end to keep her alive.
On December 27, she got the call that a new liver was available. She wasn't listed for two weeks yet. She got the surgery on the 28th and came home 5 days later. Lots of PT, OT, appointments, and prayer, she's almost past the scary part of the recovery process. She has been amazing. Thank you to all of you for helping me in the years of alcoholism that I struggled with. I wish to say it's all done, but I'm really going through some emotional stuff still.
I was talking to a friend about me, as she has been a close friend for almost 30 Years. She said I'm not looking worried anymore and that I was glowing. I'm not feeling glowing. In fact, I've been having daily outbursts that have been scaring me lately. I know I'm dealing with depression and anxiety and trying to find help has been expensive. She thinks I could be dealing with PTSD. I thought that might be a bit extreme, but I don't know. Things between my A and me are going great, but it feels like the rest of my life isn't going so well. I've been trying at work to get a promotion and been turned down though my coworkers don't see why as do I. I'm dealing with a financial burden as my spouse still isn't working yet. My house is in disarray as the bathroom is getting redone for her so she can have accommodations ( she fractured her back in the hospital as well making this necessary). Now that she has less dependence on me as a caregiver, I'm finding my purpose in things in life getting lost and my needs of challenge and purpose not being fulfilled. And it's eating me alive. I haven't found a good Al- anon group since my smaller group disbanded- the others are so large that I feel lost. I know through this process I am suffering personally and don't know how to deal with it. And I feel so guilty considering my A is doing so well and I'm not in spite of all the good I've witnessed in and through her. Thanks for listening.
Glad you're back with us ((gabigail))) For some reason, that saying today is first day of the rest of you life came to mind after reading your post. I'll share my own experience with you concerning outbursts. Mine were negative ones. I know today that they came from stuffed feelings - repressed anger, fear and confusion. I experienced them when I was in the grief process and trying to push forward to the "new normal" as was stated by hotrod. I wondered who I'd be without this person in my life? The same could be said when in a small window of time my exah got sober while in a rehab. What would I do with myself? What's my job now that I am out of the job of getting him sober? And also, why does he have so many people giving him special attention while I've been through all of this and no one validates me? These were all things that I was internalizing an felt guilty expressing to others. Well, thank goodness for the rehab workers who directed me to Alanon. It was the beginning of letting those feeling out in a same environment, changing my focus to myself, redirecting my energy to what I could do for myself to honor my own life, learn what I liked and didn't, laugh again and pause to notice beautiful moments my higher power gifted me. I often say that Alanon turned my world from black and white to color. Honestly, I was so busy with my A, seasons would change and I didn't even notice.
I hope you won't worry too much or take personally being passed over at work a few times. Maybe it was your loving higher power protecting you, saying "not now," for a reason unknown to you. More may be revealed about all of that over time.
No doubt it comes as a relief that your A got the surgery and is doing well. I have a sober A in my home who sometimes reminds me and himself that we are living in just this 24 hour time period. There are no guarantees concerning sobriety but then that's true in all things in life isn't it? It can be hard to let go of that inclination to rescue him from himself when he's going through some life struggles. I realize though that doing so is a form of trying to control outcomes, forcing my will on another concerning their life. Heck, what do I know? Experience taught me trying to play god with my own life didn't work out too great.
I hope you keep coming back to share and that you find a meeting you like. I understand about those very large meetings. Where I use to live, a microphone was handed around to be sure others could hear you share. Today, I might be tempted to tell a joke or sing a little song. That's tremendous progress for someone who once took a back seat and cried through the whole meeting. I did find my first sponsor in just such a meeting and courage to keep coming back and for that I am very grateful. I hope you'll be gentle with yourself and give yourself time. It's so hard to let go and let god at times especially right after a crisis. I tended to anticipate the next. Of course, there was just as much of a chance for good things but I couldn't see it back then. If you're worrying, I hope you'll give yourself a day off from it and do something loving for you that brings serenity. My belief is hp wants the best for for each of us. Please take what you liked and leave the rest.
In support, TT
Except I to am working my own recovery today I'm striving instead of just surviving,and useing my tools often,helps me in all areas of my life thanks to a loving hp,great sponsor I do believe my hp guided me right to her,and for my 12 step work ,and readings , it's all magical my life has changed for the better ,getting better and better all the time,more I put into my recovery along with my knowledge I've already gained I'm a totally different person today ,others see it in me to .its like I'm taking a breath of fresh air all day every day....thanks to my ,hp sponsor ,12 step work...........((((((((hugs)))))))))....lu
Oh WOW TT...I now know why HP brought me to the computer chair to sit and read before my morning meeting. So your heart has learned to use the keyboard to express great ESH to another family member. Mahalo for that grace...((((hugs))))
I have always found my peace again when unsettled by going Back to Basics. Starting my day as I was taught when I first came with prayer, meditation and daily readers. Stay in the present, go to meetings, lean into fellowship, and end my day with my HP it just always works to help me realign.
Trust the process, your program and your HP. You've been under unimaginable stress and it's time to breathe and just stay present! (((Hugs))) to you both!