So today I woke up and the thoughts were swirling around in my head. I looked out the window (knowing my AH wasn't home) to see if his car was there (haven't done that in over a week) I think I looked out the window 3-4 times. I'm exhausted, didn't sleep well (worked in my sleep). I felt myself going back into my obsessive thoughts and it made me think of HALT. Since I am so new I don't quite understand this concept, but TIRED triggered for me. I thought, maybe it meant that when I am any of these things (thus not taking care of me) I am slipping into my bad habits? I can already feel the anxiety creeping in. I have too long of a day to worry about my AH and his bag of drama. I'm just feeling like he has his cake and eating it too. He can come and go as he pleases (basically) bc I have set the boundary that he can't be in the house drunk (its a flexible boundary bc let's face it nothing is perfect right now), but bc he knows that he doesn't come home. So it's like he gets a pass not to communicate and to do as he pleases. In my head I feel like it gives him a pass to be a bachelor with the comforts of having a home (when it's convenient for him) and seeing his boys without much of any responsibility (not that he ever has that burden, but in this way I am not fussing at him about it, or walking around resentful and with an attitude as he would say). Since alcoholism appeared he started lacking consideration in our relationship. Simple communication was just too hard. But it's the alcohol, right? So he gets a pass bc of the disease? I feel myself fighting against my recovery today, and it sucks. I know its a process and won't happen over night, but today I am angry and hurt.
Curlyblu said
Feb 25, 2017
((Pumkin)) being new to trying accept, I can totally relate. Am doing what is right for me? The ups and downs of emotions that go on in the head still drive me crazy when I thought once I accepted, I would see clearly.
Even thought I understand the 3Cs, I still want to know what caused and how to fix it....I can't and for me that sucks.
My A is still currently having a sober run. I thought this was going to be a good thing. A time to "reconnect", communicate as grown adults. Though that has been happening, I find my anxiety and confusion is just as stron as if he was drinking.
I over think everything he does. This is where I still think I can control or cure it comes back at me. I don't talk to him about his attempt at being sober. I do see what I think is referred to as a dry drunk. Being sober doesn't automatically bring him back to "normal" state. His mood is off.
I guess the point I'm trying to make in my ramble, is that being new to all thus our emotions and thoughts are going to be all over the place. From what I have read from people who are many years into thier own recovery. They too have moments they slip back. Having the tools to understand our our own emotions and get our thoughts back on track, is so important. For me being here helps with that and more tools will found when am able to get to a f2f meeting too.
You are defiantly not alone. Hotrod alays says....keep coming back....I get what that means now Hotrod
hotrod said
Feb 25, 2017
((Pumkin))It is a process and you are not alone. "Acceptance is the key" to recovery and I hear a great deal of acceptance in the way you are reviewing your behavior and thought/ Keep on keeping on. It does work if you work it
el-cee said
Feb 25, 2017
I can understand the feeling of injustice in the relationship with alcoholism. It's horrible and it stops me sleeping too. I've reversed much of my thinking through alanon. So I work towards making my own life good with or without the drinker. I make plans for my own day regardless of the drinker. Its a shift in our own perception that's needed. The idea that he's out enjoying himself without the responsibility of family puts you in the victim role. When actually his behaviour is driven by a need to run from reality and ultimately himself. It's about gratitude for what we have but I didn't get it until I began working a program of recovery and making in central in my life. Then I worked out unacceptable behaviour and I stopped accepting it.
Iamhere said
Feb 25, 2017
I am like el-cee - I stopped planning 'as if' my qualifier would be here, there, around, a part of....and just began making plans that were good for me, one day at a time. At anytime I begin to consider 'them' - in any fashion, I had to lean into anything program or self. Easy things like a walk, a nap, cleaning a closet or more effort - a meeting, some literature, dialing a program friend. Before some step work, there was never a time I began to obsess about my qualifiers that had a positive outcome for me, my attitude, my emotions, etc.
HALT - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. What I use this for is when I am unsettled for any reason at any time, I look to HALT - to see if any apply and if so, to try to redirect my energy accordingly. I also know that when I 'snap', more often than not, one or more of these apply. By using the program, I have come to realize and accept that I am much more likely to react instead of respond when I don't feel well, am extra tired or am hungry. I am certainly not fun to be around if I am angry and I am truly not lonely very often any more...
So - having HALT fly into my brain is to see if there is a quick answer to my state as well as a possible quick solution.
You are doing great and I can understand how you feel. I was told early on that there is no point EVER in comparing my insides to what others show my on the outside - I did this always/often. It became real for me that I truly do not know what others feel inside so it's not rational for me to do this. (((Hugs)))
pumkin26 said
Feb 25, 2017
Curlyblu wrote:
((Pumkin)) being new to trying accept, I can totally relate. Am doing what is right for me? The ups and downs of emotions that go on in the head still drive me crazy when I thought once I accepted, I would see clearly. Even thought I understand the 3Cs, I still want to know what caused and how to fix it....I can't and for me that sucks. My A is still currently having a sober run. I thought this was going to be a good thing. A time to "reconnect", communicate as grown adults. Though that has been happening, I find my anxiety and confusion is just as stron as if he was drinking. I over think everything he does. This is where I still think I can control or cure it comes back at me. I don't talk to him about his attempt at being sober. I do see what I think is referred to as a dry drunk. Being sober doesn't automatically bring him back to "normal" state. His mood is off. I guess the point I'm trying to make in my ramble, is that being new to all thus our emotions and thoughts are going to be all over the place. From what I have read from people who are many years into thier own recovery. They too have moments they slip back. Having the tools to understand our our own emotions and get our thoughts back on track, is so important. For me being here helps with that and more tools will found when am able to get to a f2f meeting too. You are defiantly not alone. Hotrod alays says....keep coming back....I get what that means now Hotrod
Thank you curlyblu! I definitely feel like you and I are on similar paths right now. I agree, whenever my A is trying to be sober my anxiety spikes high. My counselor says bc its unknown. I KNOW what to expect when he's drinking, it's the unknown that sends me into a frenzy. Crazy! I remember thinking, I should be happy hes not drinking why am I spinning out of control. And when he;s not drinking, he's going thru withdrawl, physically, can't sleep, agitated, all that fun stuff. And I think that's cool I can deal with this backlash bc it's worth it if he's sober. But it never lasts, longest time was 7 days. And then it's a straight binge almost like he's making up for every drink he missed those days he wasn't drinking.
Le sigh, we have our work cut out for us! (((curly)))
pumkin26 said
Feb 25, 2017
hotrod wrote:
((Pumkin))It is a process and you are not alone. "Acceptance is the key" to recovery and I hear a great deal of acceptance in the way you are reviewing your behavior and thought/ Keep on keeping on. It does work if you work it
Thank you!!! While I feel like I am struggling today It makes me feel better to hear your encouraging words... :) Had a long work day, wasn't able to respond until now, but I read these posts and felt my anxiety easing.
pumkin26 said
Feb 25, 2017
el-cee wrote:
I can understand the feeling of injustice in the relationship with alcoholism. It's horrible and it stops me sleeping too. I've reversed much of my thinking through alanon. So I work towards making my own life good with or without the drinker. I make plans for my own day regardless of the drinker. Its a shift in our own perception that's needed. The idea that he's out enjoying himself without the responsibility of family puts you in the victim role. When actually his behaviour is driven by a need to run from reality and ultimately himself. It's about gratitude for what we have but I didn't get it until I began working a program of recovery and making in central in my life. Then I worked out unacceptable behaviour and I stopped accepting it.
"The idea that he's out enjoying himself without the responsibility of family puts you in the victim role".... sigh so true.
"When actually his behaviour is driven by a need to run from reality and ultimately himself." This is where I struggle, I see the truth in this statement, but still hard for me to accept--- right now, today. I have been catching daily meetings online, and it is doing wonders for my thinking, to the point that as soon as my obsessive thoughts started this morning I knew I was back sliding a bit and immediately wanted to "come clean" on here so I could regain my perspective. I am so happy that I can do so bc otherwise I would've continued to obsess all day and it would've affected my entire mood at work.
Thank you!
pumkin26 said
Feb 25, 2017
Iamhere wrote:
I am like el-cee - I stopped planning 'as if' my qualifier would be here, there, around, a part of....and just began making plans that were good for me, one day at a time. At anytime I begin to consider 'them' - in any fashion, I had to lean into anything program or self. Easy things like a walk, a nap, cleaning a closet or more effort - a meeting, some literature, dialing a program friend. Before some step work, there was never a time I began to obsess about my qualifiers that had a positive outcome for me, my attitude, my emotions, etc.
HALT - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. What I use this for is when I am unsettled for any reason at any time, I look to HALT - to see if any apply and if so, to try to redirect my energy accordingly. I also know that when I 'snap', more often than not, one or more of these apply. By using the program, I have come to realize and accept that I am much more likely to react instead of respond when I don't feel well, am extra tired or am hungry. I am certainly not fun to be around if I am angry and I am truly not lonely very often any more...
So - having HALT fly into my brain is to see if there is a quick answer to my state as well as a possible quick solution.
You are doing great and I can understand how you feel. I was told early on that there is no point EVER in comparing my insides to what others show my on the outside - I did this always/often. It became real for me that I truly do not know what others feel inside so it's not rational for me to do this. (((Hugs)))
Thank you so much Iamhere... this was very helpful for me this morning. Definitely gave me some clarity to how I was feeling- I could instantly tell by how exhausted I woke up that my mood was immediately effected. I (obviously) had never connected these dots, and as I learn more I see how everything is intertwined.
I was listening to a podcast called "The recovery show" (I've only listened to one so far) on Boundaries, they briefly talked about how we as enablers are often "controlling" by nature or because of our circumstances. This fits me to a T. I wonder how my need for control (makes me feel safe, I like routine, I like plans, etc) is connected to my active A.
Tomorrow is a new day, thanks again (((Iamhere)))
Jerry F said
Feb 25, 2017
P our program is very flexible and having the benefit of the fellowship and the sponsors and my counselor I was able to learn all forms of alternatives to fit my practice which wasn't totally well balanced for a sane endeavor. meaning there were times I needed to get crazy because that is what I needed and on one visit my counselor asked me, "Remember when you were throwing tantrums as a child"? "Yeah...So?" "Remember what you did and how you did it" "Yeah....So?"
"I want you to show me what it looked like, and sounded like and don't go beyond 15 20 seconds"..."Yeah...So?"
"So show me" "You're crazy!!"
"No this is about you"...."Show me".
"You're CRAZY!!" and we start laughing
Then I throw a tantrum...a real genuine 7 year old tantrum....jumping up and down, waving my arms and hands, screaming crap and then at 15 seconds I was worn out and out of breath and not angry or resentful for the time. It worked!! YAY!! I went home and practice a couple of times and called my sponsor for a review visit and he asked me "Does that work"? and after I said yes he said "Good keep working it for later.
Later included 3 tantrums in shopping malls, 1 in a public parking mall and one on a city sidewalk...all of them worked until I didn't need to work them anymore because I learned to arrive at the quiet without the drama. Strange that at only one two times at most did anyone take notice or run away. It works when you work it.
((((hugs))))
pumkin26 said
Feb 27, 2017
Thanks, Jerry!
I have to admit, hearing your story made me chuckle and smile when I didn't feel like doing either. Seriously, having a tantrum sounds refreshing. I often have a meltdown- basically a tantrum- but I say meltdown bc my mind is so twisted in the moment that it doesn't necessarily help me feel better. Whether I am dealing with my A or my children or life I tend to bottle my pain, hurt, frustration in... and it's not until I am already boiling that I unleash. I am working with a counselor to help better my own "stuff" so that I am more equip to handle my A and progress with the help of Alanon. My own "stuff" is what made me a perfect sucker to be a co-dependent enabler to my A. Funny I didn't see it happening until it was already too late.
maryjane said
Feb 27, 2017
Don't think he is getting away with anything. He is slowly killing himself. He is slowly killing his marriage. He is slowly killing his relationship with his kids. It is like standing on a sand dune and having someone shovel the sand away under you. At first it doesn't matter, but as time goes by and more sand is removed your feet start to move.
He does not get a "pass" because of his "disease". It is all having an affect on you and the kids and the job and the life. You are not responding, not reacting for YOU, not because you are giving him a pass. You are keeping your own stress levels down as much as possible so that you can continue to hold yourself/ your mind/ your emotions together. (High cortisol levels/stress hormones are signs of doing damage to your body.) There is a lot of truth in the t-shirts that say, "keep calm and carry on".
Take care of yourself.
pumkin26 said
Feb 27, 2017
maryjane wrote:
Don't think he is getting away with anything. He is slowly killing himself. He is slowly killing his marriage. He is slowly killing his relationship with his kids. It is like standing on a sand dune and having someone shovel the sand away under you. At first it doesn't matter, but as time goes by and more sand is removed your feet start to move.
He does not get a "pass" because of his "disease". It is all having an affect on you and the kids and the job and the life. You are not responding, not reacting for YOU, not because you are giving him a pass. You are keeping your own stress levels down as much as possible so that you can continue to hold yourself/ your mind/ your emotions together. (High cortisol levels/stress hormones are signs of doing damage to your body.) There is a lot of truth in the t-shirts that say, "keep calm and carry on".
Take care of yourself.
(((maryjane))) thank you so much, this is helpful for me today. Old habits (and ways of thinking) die hard. It's like my wires are all jumbled and I need to straighten them out. Some days are better than others. I have reread this several times, letting it sink in... one day at a time...
Curlyblu said
Feb 28, 2017
I've read this post a few times. Trying to wrapped my brain around it. I'm still at the point where I feel like my A is getting a pass. ((Maryjane)), as much as that makes soooo much sense. It infuriates me to think because of his disease he is killing everything I love, he has no clue. When all of this eventually happens I'll be left picking up the pieces he left behind.
I get it. It's far beyond my control. It'll be another part of this merry-go-round. I somewhat get he can't control it either. Today I feel like I have from denial that he is an alcoholic, to accepting it, now I'm just plain made about it.
(((Pumkin))) ty for your shares. As much as I unload on here. I see where you heading in your healing. One day at a time I will get there.
((Everyone)) hope today treats you well.
So today I woke up and the thoughts were swirling around in my head. I looked out the window (knowing my AH wasn't home) to see if his car was there (haven't done that in over a week) I think I looked out the window 3-4 times. I'm exhausted, didn't sleep well (worked in my sleep). I felt myself going back into my obsessive thoughts and it made me think of HALT. Since I am so new I don't quite understand this concept, but TIRED triggered for me. I thought, maybe it meant that when I am any of these things (thus not taking care of me) I am slipping into my bad habits? I can already feel the anxiety creeping in. I have too long of a day to worry about my AH and his bag of drama. I'm just feeling like he has his cake and eating it too. He can come and go as he pleases (basically) bc I have set the boundary that he can't be in the house drunk (its a flexible boundary bc let's face it nothing is perfect right now), but bc he knows that he doesn't come home. So it's like he gets a pass not to communicate and to do as he pleases. In my head I feel like it gives him a pass to be a bachelor with the comforts of having a home (when it's convenient for him) and seeing his boys without much of any responsibility (not that he ever has that burden, but in this way I am not fussing at him about it, or walking around resentful and with an attitude as he would say). Since alcoholism appeared he started lacking consideration in our relationship. Simple communication was just too hard. But it's the alcohol, right? So he gets a pass bc of the disease? I feel myself fighting against my recovery today, and it sucks. I know its a process and won't happen over night, but today I am angry and hurt.
HALT - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. What I use this for is when I am unsettled for any reason at any time, I look to HALT - to see if any apply and if so, to try to redirect my energy accordingly. I also know that when I 'snap', more often than not, one or more of these apply. By using the program, I have come to realize and accept that I am much more likely to react instead of respond when I don't feel well, am extra tired or am hungry. I am certainly not fun to be around if I am angry and I am truly not lonely very often any more...
So - having HALT fly into my brain is to see if there is a quick answer to my state as well as a possible quick solution.
You are doing great and I can understand how you feel. I was told early on that there is no point EVER in comparing my insides to what others show my on the outside - I did this always/often. It became real for me that I truly do not know what others feel inside so it's not rational for me to do this. (((Hugs)))
Thank you curlyblu! I definitely feel like you and I are on similar paths right now. I agree, whenever my A is trying to be sober my anxiety spikes high. My counselor says bc its unknown. I KNOW what to expect when he's drinking, it's the unknown that sends me into a frenzy. Crazy! I remember thinking, I should be happy hes not drinking why am I spinning out of control. And when he;s not drinking, he's going thru withdrawl, physically, can't sleep, agitated, all that fun stuff. And I think that's cool I can deal with this backlash bc it's worth it if he's sober. But it never lasts, longest time was 7 days. And then it's a straight binge almost like he's making up for every drink he missed those days he wasn't drinking.
Le sigh, we have our work cut out for us! (((curly)))
Thank you!!! While I feel like I am struggling today It makes me feel better to hear your encouraging words... :) Had a long work day, wasn't able to respond until now, but I read these posts and felt my anxiety easing.
"The idea that he's out enjoying himself without the responsibility of family puts you in the victim role".... sigh so true.
"When actually his behaviour is driven by a need to run from reality and ultimately himself." This is where I struggle, I see the truth in this statement, but still hard for me to accept--- right now, today. I have been catching daily meetings online, and it is doing wonders for my thinking, to the point that as soon as my obsessive thoughts started this morning I knew I was back sliding a bit and immediately wanted to "come clean" on here so I could regain my perspective. I am so happy that I can do so bc otherwise I would've continued to obsess all day and it would've affected my entire mood at work.
Thank you!
Thank you so much Iamhere... this was very helpful for me this morning. Definitely gave me some clarity to how I was feeling- I could instantly tell by how exhausted I woke up that my mood was immediately effected. I (obviously) had never connected these dots, and as I learn more I see how everything is intertwined.
I was listening to a podcast called "The recovery show" (I've only listened to one so far) on Boundaries, they briefly talked about how we as enablers are often "controlling" by nature or because of our circumstances. This fits me to a T. I wonder how my need for control (makes me feel safe, I like routine, I like plans, etc) is connected to my active A.
Tomorrow is a new day, thanks again (((Iamhere)))
P our program is very flexible and having the benefit of the fellowship and the sponsors and my counselor I was able to learn all forms of alternatives to fit my practice which wasn't totally well balanced for a sane endeavor. meaning there were times I needed to get crazy because that is what I needed and on one visit my counselor asked me, "Remember when you were throwing tantrums as a child"? "Yeah...So?" "Remember what you did and how you did it" "Yeah....So?"
"I want you to show me what it looked like, and sounded like and don't go beyond 15 20 seconds"..."Yeah...So?"
"So show me" "You're crazy!!"
"No this is about you"...."Show me".
"You're CRAZY!!" and we start laughing
Then I throw a tantrum...a real genuine 7 year old tantrum....jumping up and down, waving my arms and hands, screaming crap and then at 15 seconds I was worn out and out of breath and not angry or resentful for the time. It worked!! YAY!! I went home and practice a couple of times and called my sponsor for a review visit and he asked me "Does that work"? and after I said yes he said "Good keep working it for later.
Later included 3 tantrums in shopping malls, 1 in a public parking mall and one on a city sidewalk...all of them worked until I didn't need to work them anymore because I learned to arrive at the quiet without the drama. Strange that at only one two times at most did anyone take notice or run away. It works when you work it.
((((hugs))))
I have to admit, hearing your story made me chuckle and smile when I didn't feel like doing either. Seriously, having a tantrum sounds refreshing. I often have a meltdown- basically a tantrum- but I say meltdown bc my mind is so twisted in the moment that it doesn't necessarily help me feel better. Whether I am dealing with my A or my children or life I tend to bottle my pain, hurt, frustration in... and it's not until I am already boiling that I unleash. I am working with a counselor to help better my own "stuff" so that I am more equip to handle my A and progress with the help of Alanon. My own "stuff" is what made me a perfect sucker to be a co-dependent enabler to my A. Funny I didn't see it happening until it was already too late.
He does not get a "pass" because of his "disease". It is all having an affect on you and the kids and the job and the life. You are not responding, not reacting for YOU, not because you are giving him a pass. You are keeping your own stress levels down as much as possible so that you can continue to hold yourself/ your mind/ your emotions together. (High cortisol levels/stress hormones are signs of doing damage to your body.) There is a lot of truth in the t-shirts that say, "keep calm and carry on".
Take care of yourself.
(((maryjane))) thank you so much, this is helpful for me today. Old habits (and ways of thinking) die hard. It's like my wires are all jumbled and I need to straighten them out. Some days are better than others. I have reread this several times, letting it sink in... one day at a time...