i'm new here and struggling. can't see clearly right now. my alcoholic boyfriend (sober for 1.5 yrs but not active in recovery program) just broke up with me. i have saved this mans life many times -- getting him to rehab, talking him through suicidal thoughts. helped him heal his relationship with his son. the list goes on. suddenly he's decided we're not "compatible" but can't seem to explain to me what that means. i've gently asked for time and communication with him b/c the relationship isn't growing. i've pleaded for him to express what he wants and needs from me that he's not getting. when i remind him of this, he flatly says "i tried". i don't want this to be over but worse than that is that i'm completely crumbling, blaming myself for having screwed up yet another relationship for my unrealistic expectations. can you help me see clearly here? am i asking for too much and having unrealistic expectations or is this a dry drunk blaming me and shirking his part of the relationship? it's definitely a pattern for me to be with men that blame me and i end up depressed and alone.

Hi Tracieann. Welcome to the world of healing and recovery from Alanon. The healing of our wounds from alcoholic relationships, we've all found ourselves in, is real and available to you, too. You are definitely not alone in experiencing mind-boggling insanity from loving an alcoholic. Breakups are never easy. Whether you leave them or they leave you...it can be emotionally tough. Alanon is such a comfort, because you'll end up hearing parts of your story in others. By sharing our experience, strenghth, and hope with each other, we also share solutions that have worked for us. Face to face Alanon meetings are so healing for us, too. We slowly start to allow others into our lives who are on the same 12Step journey of healing. Our isolation is replaced with the fellowship & new found friends in Alanon. Most alcoholics will blame us and others, for their own insanity & selfish behaviors. That's a way for the alcoholic not to change. They continue feeling sorry for themslves..."poor me, poor me, pour me another drink!" It can be another excuse to not take responsibility for their own recovery. We are not responsible for their behaviors, however, we are responsible for our own behaviors and reactions to life. We can't change anyone else, except ourselves with the help of Alanon's 12 Steps. Alanon helps us weed out, what is ours & what is the alcoholic's stuff. It's one thing for them to blame us for their unhealthy behaviors, but another thing for us to accept that blame...we learn not to accept the blame that the alcoholic may dish our way. Doing Alanon 12 Steps, with your own sponsor can help soothe your broken heart. There's nothing too big that can't be healed for us, if we're willing to do the worked required to gain that healing. May your tears and heartbreak that you're experiencing right now, be replaced with the love and fellowship of the folks in Alanon. I've been through what you're going through and know that comfort, understanding, and reassurance are the ingredients to help you heal. Sending prayers of comfort to you.

Hey TracieAnn - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. I am so sorry for the pain your suffering because of the disease and your relationship with an alcoholic. Even when one is in recovery, they still are affected and so are most who love them or live with them.

Al-Anon is a recovery program for friends and family of others who suffer from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is that you are affected by the drinking in another - and you are welcome to attend and participate whether there are active, in recovery, present/past, etc. Al-Anon is all about us - what makes us tick, why we act/react the way we do, especially in the face of challenging situations.

We learn that we are powerless over all others, and work the 12 Steps to find our own way. I do recommend you find local meetings and give them a try - esp. if you see a pattern in you of choosing unavailable partners. I discovered in working the program that my picker was broken and I always selected the needy people - for relationships and beyond. I've gotten better in recovery and have weeded out many in my life that were users and/or just not adding value to how I want to live.

Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!

thank you for the suggestions. i signed up for a couple online al anon meetings today. i'm a single parent and work full time so it's a little hard to find in person ones that work. i will keep looking though. i WANT to be able to decipher what i need to own and what i don't need to take responsibility for. as it is, i take responsibility for everything and it's far too much weight for me to carry! having grown up with an alcoholic dad, i tried an acoa meeting and was going for a while. but some guy hit on me the first day i was there and had shared about some of the abuse i've suffered. i was very uncomfortable and i was not strong enough to know how to handle it or what to do. i very much needed a safe place. he cornered me at every meeting and i didn't know how to handle it so i stopped going. i think i'm resolute enough that i need help to be firm if that comes up again. but it really scared me and i didn't know who or how to talk at the meeting about it. any suggestions if that happens again? maybe i should have shared about my fear of him during the meeting...

Tracieann - sponsors are very helpful to assist for situations that come up and we are uncertain. You have every right to tell any person that you are uncomfortable around them, and would prefer no contact or more distance. It doesn't matter if you are new or they are new or anything else - you have a right to pleasant time no matter where you are!