AH is currently in a not drinking state. At least not at home, and isn't coming home slurring his words drunk....drinks are possible but don't know for sure, nor do I care at the moment. Because his current state of drinks or no drinks hasn't effected me negatively. Or so I thought.
As each of these "new" days pass, more and more anxiety is setting in. Again things I can not control. I know what he is doing. He is trying to do this on his own. He won't talk about it, which is fine because I don't know what he is truly dealing with and I can not be his source of healing.
I can hear it in his voice and see it in his actions, after a few days of not fully diving to the bottom of a bottle, his nerves are raw. Getting a little short, trying not too, but gets snippy in some replies. Can't sleep at night. Bringing up any of what I have seen is not a good idea either.
Emontions are all over they place today. I had been enjoying this new found place of finding me. Trying so hard to stay focused on my, repeating phrases that have touched me. The what ifs are getting in the way at points.
These what ifs are more a matter of they will.....he will be drunk again. It's just a matter of time. By focusing on me, living in this moment, i feel like I am back in denial if I get too comfortable. And if I prepare myself for it to happen again, I put negative focus on him. Looking for the signs.
SerenityRUS said
Feb 23, 2017
Hugs Curly,
I'm not sure if you are attending online meetings or face to face meetings, that anxiety will subside with the reality of what you can't control. He's going to drink or not drink .. what are you going to do? One of the books I love a great deal is Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drew (it might be Toby Drew Rice) it's very alanon and no nonsense. There are multiple vols the ones that have helped me are Vol 2 and Vol 4.
All I can say is it does get better regardless of if the A drinks or not .. hang in there. What are the signs a dry drunk is going to drink? They are a dry drunk they are going to drink .. anticipating it only robs me of my sanity. I am not with my qualifier anymore and I'm ok with that. I know lots of great people who are in a relationship with their active A's and are satisfied with the understanding they are doing the best they can, they live their lives and intersect where they can, leaving the other stuff. It's not so much denial as acceptance .. if that makes any sense .. back to the controlling someone else .. I can't control anything that is a noun, person place or thing.
Keep coming back .. hugs S :)
2accept said
Feb 23, 2017
A female sponsor could help you work the steps for relief of your own anxiety, apprehension, and fear. After a while you'll learn to set boundaries that will protect you from his disease and from your own dis-ease. Then his actions, real or imagined, will be less all consuming.
Prayers to you for peace and calmness.
Curlyblu said
Feb 23, 2017
Serenity-no unfortunately at the moment I have not attended a face to face meeting. It's in the works, it's just to get there which will happen. I'm still very new to this site, yet to figure out how the on line meetings works and such.
That's the problem I know there is no sign to predict when he will drink, it hard knowing that he will. We ride this "high" as we recconect talking the way we normally would have. He's telling me things that he has no idea that he had already told me when he was drunk. I don't acknowledge that fact like I once would have "you told me this already, the other night....the one you don't remember". Instead I enjoy the conversation because I can actually understand him. We are communicating about things, daily conversation like a full functioning relationship. Which bills are coming due, things we need to pick up for groceries, weekend menu planning. We are functioning again, I know it won't last. He'll get that taste again. And I'll jump back on the merry go round. The air in the entire house seems better right now. And right now I'd like to shake him, and say........see what we can be!!
Thank you for the suggested read, I'll look into getting my hands on a copy.
2accept-I hope in time once I get to face to face meetings I'll meet someone I will be able to call my sponsor. Until then I will try to remind myself of the power words on here that caught my attention. Somedays days are clearly going to more difficult than other.
A "funny"(used loosely) thought came to me today........when I met my AH I was in the middle of a dirty divorce, and I said "I hope you realize being with me it's going to be a rollercoater ride.....he said I am so ready." funny how it turns out I'm the one that needed to see if I was ready for his ride.
Thank you both for your encouragement.
SerenityRUS said
Feb 23, 2017
I just wanted to say you are doing very well to understand that there is a rollercoaster to this whole insane disease and letting go of the handle bar throwing your hands up is not permission to say he gets to do whatever he wants to do, unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior period. There are no well .. but .. and excuse city.
Throwing your hands up in the air and allowing the ride to be what it is going to be is my way at least of accepting that there are things I will never control with my XAH. It is unfortunate we do not have a good relationship .. at.all. I do not pretend on that issue maybe some day it will be different .. there has been a whole lot of water and not enough alanon under the bridge just for today.
You really are not alone so just breath and even better you are not under the water drowning .. although it might feel that way from time to time .. many times during the day .. lol .. just stop struggling and stand up.
This is not a disease you get to dictate to when it will show up and when it goes away .. it comes as it wants .. you can stop feeding it in yourself and you can stop feeding his disease as well.
How he chooses to react to that is on him and his disease because when something is starving it tries to survive.
Enjoy the ride though and take the joy you can get during those times. It is not an easy ride. Hugs again.
Bethany66 said
Feb 23, 2017
Curly,
I am shocked at how similar our stories are when you post. My husband and I are in the same place this week that you and yours seem to be. I work outside the home and he is retired and at home and it "seems" we are in a sober period right now because when I come home he isn't slurring or twitching or any of the normal signs of drunkenness. I too wait for the other shoe to drop and get myself anxious and worked up. It is hard to stay in the moment and just be. I do remember someone said to me, "What if God doesn't have another shoe?". I had to really think about that one. It is so out of my control that it could stay good forever or it could have already changed and I just don't know it yet. But either way, I know I have to quit obsessing on what he is doing and focus on what I am doing. And I need to relax and enjoy the good times. All of which take work on my part. That seems funny, I have to WORK at doing NOTHING!!
Anyway, I can offer up only this today, I understand completely where you are. I understand your feelings, your apprehension, your fear and your worry. I understand the frustration of knowing that in all likelihood, with no program on his side, it probably won't last and I will have to deal with the unpleasant side of this disease again. But "Just for Today" I will be happy.
(((hugs)))
Bethany
Curlyblu said
Feb 23, 2017
Serenity-thank-you so very much for your words. Throwing my hands up in the air on this crazy ride might just be the best thing for me to do. Enjoy when times are good and the down hill run.....throw it all up in the air for my HP to catch.
Bethany- it amazes me how much i relate to others and more shocked that people get/understand me. Thank-you so very much.
what if there is no other shoe....Oh man! That one really does make you think.
In all honesty I would prefer if he sought outside help. Having been through it once he knows what that all means. I'm pretty sure it scares the pants off him.
Twitching? I have often noticed his hands will be sooooo unsready. More noticeable the after to two days. I figured it related to him needin a drink
I thank you for your encouragement.
Stan1 said
Feb 23, 2017
Hi Curly
Both my RAH and RA'S have reached 16 and 17 years of sobriety and they each had their own method, one went cold turkey and the other found A.A. I never ask either one about their recovery, just listen if they want to share. I too found it difficult to stay in my own recovery program and take my own inventory and not project fear of slips. I too sometimes slip back to stinking thinking and this is when I grab my baby blue book or a meeting to mind my own business.
AH is currently in a not drinking state. At least not at home, and isn't coming home slurring his words drunk....drinks are possible but don't know for sure, nor do I care at the moment. Because his current state of drinks or no drinks hasn't effected me negatively. Or so I thought.
As each of these "new" days pass, more and more anxiety is setting in. Again things I can not control. I know what he is doing. He is trying to do this on his own. He won't talk about it, which is fine because I don't know what he is truly dealing with and I can not be his source of healing.
I can hear it in his voice and see it in his actions, after a few days of not fully diving to the bottom of a bottle, his nerves are raw. Getting a little short, trying not too, but gets snippy in some replies. Can't sleep at night. Bringing up any of what I have seen is not a good idea either.
Emontions are all over they place today. I had been enjoying this new found place of finding me. Trying so hard to stay focused on my, repeating phrases that have touched me. The what ifs are getting in the way at points.
These what ifs are more a matter of they will.....he will be drunk again. It's just a matter of time. By focusing on me, living in this moment, i feel like I am back in denial if I get too comfortable. And if I prepare myself for it to happen again, I put negative focus on him. Looking for the signs.
I'm not sure if you are attending online meetings or face to face meetings, that anxiety will subside with the reality of what you can't control. He's going to drink or not drink .. what are you going to do? One of the books I love a great deal is Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drew (it might be Toby Drew Rice) it's very alanon and no nonsense. There are multiple vols the ones that have helped me are Vol 2 and Vol 4.
All I can say is it does get better regardless of if the A drinks or not .. hang in there. What are the signs a dry drunk is going to drink? They are a dry drunk they are going to drink .. anticipating it only robs me of my sanity. I am not with my qualifier anymore and I'm ok with that. I know lots of great people who are in a relationship with their active A's and are satisfied with the understanding they are doing the best they can, they live their lives and intersect where they can, leaving the other stuff. It's not so much denial as acceptance .. if that makes any sense .. back to the controlling someone else .. I can't control anything that is a noun, person place or thing.
Keep coming back .. hugs S :)
That's the problem I know there is no sign to predict when he will drink, it hard knowing that he will. We ride this "high" as we recconect talking the way we normally would have. He's telling me things that he has no idea that he had already told me when he was drunk. I don't acknowledge that fact like I once would have "you told me this already, the other night....the one you don't remember". Instead I enjoy the conversation because I can actually understand him. We are communicating about things, daily conversation like a full functioning relationship. Which bills are coming due, things we need to pick up for groceries, weekend menu planning. We are functioning again, I know it won't last. He'll get that taste again. And I'll jump back on the merry go round. The air in the entire house seems better right now. And right now I'd like to shake him, and say........see what we can be!!
Thank you for the suggested read, I'll look into getting my hands on a copy.
2accept-I hope in time once I get to face to face meetings I'll meet someone I will be able to call my sponsor. Until then I will try to remind myself of the power words on here that caught my attention. Somedays days are clearly going to more difficult than other.
A "funny"(used loosely) thought came to me today........when I met my AH I was in the middle of a dirty divorce, and I said "I hope you realize being with me it's going to be a rollercoater ride.....he said I am so ready." funny how it turns out I'm the one that needed to see if I was ready for his ride.
Thank you both for your encouragement.
Throwing your hands up in the air and allowing the ride to be what it is going to be is my way at least of accepting that there are things I will never control with my XAH. It is unfortunate we do not have a good relationship .. at.all. I do not pretend on that issue maybe some day it will be different .. there has been a whole lot of water and not enough alanon under the bridge just for today.
You really are not alone so just breath and even better you are not under the water drowning .. although it might feel that way from time to time .. many times during the day .. lol .. just stop struggling and stand up.
This is not a disease you get to dictate to when it will show up and when it goes away .. it comes as it wants .. you can stop feeding it in yourself and you can stop feeding his disease as well.
How he chooses to react to that is on him and his disease because when something is starving it tries to survive.
Enjoy the ride though and take the joy you can get during those times. It is not an easy ride. Hugs again.
I am shocked at how similar our stories are when you post. My husband and I are in the same place this week that you and yours seem to be. I work outside the home and he is retired and at home and it "seems" we are in a sober period right now because when I come home he isn't slurring or twitching or any of the normal signs of drunkenness. I too wait for the other shoe to drop and get myself anxious and worked up. It is hard to stay in the moment and just be. I do remember someone said to me, "What if God doesn't have another shoe?". I had to really think about that one. It is so out of my control that it could stay good forever or it could have already changed and I just don't know it yet. But either way, I know I have to quit obsessing on what he is doing and focus on what I am doing. And I need to relax and enjoy the good times. All of which take work on my part. That seems funny, I have to WORK at doing NOTHING!!
Anyway, I can offer up only this today, I understand completely where you are. I understand your feelings, your apprehension, your fear and your worry. I understand the frustration of knowing that in all likelihood, with no program on his side, it probably won't last and I will have to deal with the unpleasant side of this disease again. But "Just for Today" I will be happy.
(((hugs)))
Bethany
Both my RAH and RA'S have reached 16 and 17 years of sobriety and they each had their own method, one went cold turkey and the other found A.A. I never ask either one about their recovery, just listen if they want to share. I too found it difficult to stay in my own recovery program and take my own inventory and not project fear of slips. I too sometimes slip back to stinking thinking and this is when I grab my baby blue book or a meeting to mind my own business.