New here. Desperate for any support/advice on ending 12 year relationship
JLR4678 said
Feb 22, 2017
I am new here, and haven't been to any Al Anon meetings. I have been with my bf for 12 years. We actually met at an AA meeting (I am a recovering addict/alcoholic as well). The first two years were wonderful but he relapsed and has been in and out of recovery ever since. We've been in this vicious cycle for the past decade where he relapses, continues to use a few times a week for several months, then starts using on a daily basis. He has been to rehab more times than I can count, detoxes, inpatient, halfway houses. After he goes to rehab he only stays clean for a couple months at most.. We have 3 children together, (9,7, and 6 years old). The past few months he has been the worst he has ever been. He doesn't work but all of my money goes to him for drugs because he NAGS NAGS NAGS... all day and all night. If he knows I have money he will persistently ask for it, and if I try to leave the room he follows me. I know it's stupid to give him money but I honestly would rather give him the money then have him in my face all night. I am well aware that I am a BIG enabler. He is a good person and I love him so much but now it's really starting to wear me down. I've broken up with him before, kicked him out, but ALWAYS end up letting him back.. Last year I moved 40 miles away to have a fresh start and be closer to family.... and he moved in with me within a few weeks. He says he loves me and wants to keep our family together... but it feels like he just says whatever he needs to say to get his way. I'm getting to a point where if my life continues like this, I'm going to lose my sanity. Last year I relapsed and drank, and that REALLY made me realize how much his addiction is affecting me. I had become severely stressed, depressed, and anxious and lost my job last year. Over the past several months I've really thought about things and as much as I hate to admit it, he is never going to change. He's 15 years older than me, and he has been an addict for 20 years. He's 45 years old, doesn't have a job, takes money from me and his family, and has even taken money from our kids piggy banks, and does drugs every day. He refuses to go to rehab and refuses to leave when I ask. I don't tell him this but I don't think he will ever change, he might stay clean for a few months but he will always go back. To get to my point, I truly feel that I need to end things for good and have him move out.. but I fear that he will manipulate his way back like he always does. I don't want my kids to keep having to go through this. I want some stability in their life.
I'm hoping someone else has gone through this and can offer some support on how to go about ending the relationship. I don't have a good support system, only my sister. I can't drive and he never wants to go anywhere so we have become so isolated. I could really use someone to talk to.
hotrod said
Feb 22, 2017
Welcome JLR , so glad that you found us and had the courage to reach out and share. You are not alone. I have lived with the insanity of this disease in spouse and in a child and understand what you going through and how unsettling it can't be.
I know you understand the AA program and I'm glad that you are back, attending to your recovery in that program. Al-Anon was established by Bill W's wife to help the family and friends of alcoholics who live with the insanity and offers new constructive tools to live by.
Although Al-Anon is based on the 12 steps and many of the slogans in both programs are the same, the focus of Al-Anon is a little different and I urge you to search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and attend. We don't give advice in Al-Anon because we believe that each member has the answers within them as to the next right action and we just provide the tools that will enable each one to grow and reach their goals.
Living one day at a time, focused on ourselves, trusting HP and accepting that we are powerless over people places and things, helps tremendously in making healthy decisions.
I urge you to keep coming back here you are not alone and there is hope
2accept said
Feb 22, 2017
Hi JLR. Welcome to Alanon...welcome to hope. So you love an alcoholic, but not the behaviors that accompany the disease. My experience has been, as long as the alcoholic is still in the throws of their disease they can not be there for you or others. It hurts very much when realizing the alcoholic loves booze more than you. The insanity of the alcoholic can make a sane person, crazy. Learning and growing through the Steps of Alanon with a female sponsor can help unravel the ball of yarn that life has become. Sanity will return if we're willing to do the real work required to get from devastation to transformation. Meetings, meetings, and more meetings!!! AA meetings are great for getting sober and staying sober. However, finding peace and joy in an "active" situation of someone else's disease can only be found in Alanon's 12 Step work with a sponsor. Relief is in the steps.
Lots and lots of prayer to you and your family.
Iamhere said
Feb 22, 2017
Welcome to MIP JLR - glad that you found us and glad that you jumped right in. I am also in AA - been there for a while. I met/married my AH in AA, and between the birth of our 1st/2nd child, he relapsed. He never returned to recovery - so I stayed sober and he did not. It's been a long/wild ride. I was able to use the AA program to manage 'his disease' for me, but fell completely off the rails when my oldest began a journey down a very dark rapidly self-destructing path. His brother followed in his footsteps so I went from having an emotionally unavailable AH to have 3 qualifiers in short order.
I can't say that my AH's disease was the cause of my son's path, who really knows. What I know is that I wish I had found Al-Anon way sooner than I did. I did get just as crazy as all 3 of them, and maybe worse. Most alcoholics are intelligent folks and many of us are 'over-thinkers'....I really struggled with why I needed 2 programs for a bit - and then after a while, it became clear for me.
AA is all about my relationship with substances and how it affects my life/relationships.
Al-Anon is all about my relationship with me and how I allow other people, places and things to affect me.
This is as simple as I can make it in my brain and it helps me. In spite of a long stretch of sobriety, the disease 'got me' again by being active in those I love. I was beaten down and truly wanted to die or crawl into a hole and cover up because I could not fix them. I heard at my first meeting the three C(s) - I didn't cause this, I can't control this and I can't cure this....I heard many other things but these 3 simple concepts gave me enough relief to choose me over the disease and my diseased loved ones.
Al-Anon does suggest not making any major changes for 6 months, much like AA suggests no relationships for a year. This is recommended just so you can regain some clarity/sanity and make decisions that are truly in your best interest. I so, so, so wanted to leave when I arrived - I wanted to leave all 3. I ended up staying and my boys aged up/out and they left. My AH has heart disease and has had a few heart attacks, open heart surgery, etc. so his drinking has died way down. He had enough recovery I guess to make him realize he needed to make changes if he wanted to live.
Life is far from perfect and we do not live a fairly-tale existence. However, we are still together, we can get along and I have my peace and joy. The program gave me the tools I needed to make choices good for me and God kept me pointed in the right direction.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!!
I am new here, and haven't been to any Al Anon meetings. I have been with my bf for 12 years. We actually met at an AA meeting (I am a recovering addict/alcoholic as well). The first two years were wonderful but he relapsed and has been in and out of recovery ever since. We've been in this vicious cycle for the past decade where he relapses, continues to use a few times a week for several months, then starts using on a daily basis. He has been to rehab more times than I can count, detoxes, inpatient, halfway houses. After he goes to rehab he only stays clean for a couple months at most.. We have 3 children together, (9,7, and 6 years old). The past few months he has been the worst he has ever been. He doesn't work but all of my money goes to him for drugs because he NAGS NAGS NAGS... all day and all night. If he knows I have money he will persistently ask for it, and if I try to leave the room he follows me. I know it's stupid to give him money but I honestly would rather give him the money then have him in my face all night. I am well aware that I am a BIG enabler. He is a good person and I love him so much but now it's really starting to wear me down. I've broken up with him before, kicked him out, but ALWAYS end up letting him back.. Last year I moved 40 miles away to have a fresh start and be closer to family.... and he moved in with me within a few weeks. He says he loves me and wants to keep our family together... but it feels like he just says whatever he needs to say to get his way. I'm getting to a point where if my life continues like this, I'm going to lose my sanity. Last year I relapsed and drank, and that REALLY made me realize how much his addiction is affecting me. I had become severely stressed, depressed, and anxious and lost my job last year. Over the past several months I've really thought about things and as much as I hate to admit it, he is never going to change. He's 15 years older than me, and he has been an addict for 20 years. He's 45 years old, doesn't have a job, takes money from me and his family, and has even taken money from our kids piggy banks, and does drugs every day. He refuses to go to rehab and refuses to leave when I ask. I don't tell him this but I don't think he will ever change, he might stay clean for a few months but he will always go back. To get to my point, I truly feel that I need to end things for good and have him move out.. but I fear that he will manipulate his way back like he always does. I don't want my kids to keep having to go through this. I want some stability in their life.
I'm hoping someone else has gone through this and can offer some support on how to go about ending the relationship. I don't have a good support system, only my sister. I can't drive and he never wants to go anywhere so we have become so isolated. I could really use someone to talk to.
Welcome JLR , so glad that you found us and had the courage to reach out and share. You are not alone. I have lived with the insanity of this disease in spouse and in a child and understand what you going through and how unsettling it can't be.
I know you understand the AA program and I'm glad that you are back, attending to your recovery in that program. Al-Anon was established by Bill W's wife to help the family and friends of alcoholics who live with the insanity and offers new constructive tools to live by.
Although Al-Anon is based on the 12 steps and many of the slogans in both programs are the same, the focus of Al-Anon is a little different and I urge you to search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and attend. We don't give advice in Al-Anon because we believe that each member has the answers within them as to the next right action and we just provide the tools that will enable each one to grow and reach their goals.
Living one day at a time, focused on ourselves, trusting HP and accepting that we are powerless over people places and things, helps tremendously in making healthy decisions.
I urge you to keep coming back here you are not alone and there is hope
I can't say that my AH's disease was the cause of my son's path, who really knows. What I know is that I wish I had found Al-Anon way sooner than I did. I did get just as crazy as all 3 of them, and maybe worse. Most alcoholics are intelligent folks and many of us are 'over-thinkers'....I really struggled with why I needed 2 programs for a bit - and then after a while, it became clear for me.
AA is all about my relationship with substances and how it affects my life/relationships.
Al-Anon is all about my relationship with me and how I allow other people, places and things to affect me.
This is as simple as I can make it in my brain and it helps me. In spite of a long stretch of sobriety, the disease 'got me' again by being active in those I love. I was beaten down and truly wanted to die or crawl into a hole and cover up because I could not fix them. I heard at my first meeting the three C(s) - I didn't cause this, I can't control this and I can't cure this....I heard many other things but these 3 simple concepts gave me enough relief to choose me over the disease and my diseased loved ones.
Al-Anon does suggest not making any major changes for 6 months, much like AA suggests no relationships for a year. This is recommended just so you can regain some clarity/sanity and make decisions that are truly in your best interest. I so, so, so wanted to leave when I arrived - I wanted to leave all 3. I ended up staying and my boys aged up/out and they left. My AH has heart disease and has had a few heart attacks, open heart surgery, etc. so his drinking has died way down. He had enough recovery I guess to make him realize he needed to make changes if he wanted to live.
Life is far from perfect and we do not live a fairly-tale existence. However, we are still together, we can get along and I have my peace and joy. The program gave me the tools I needed to make choices good for me and God kept me pointed in the right direction.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!!