I have been with my Alcoholic spouse for 8+ years (we have two young beautiful boys) and somewhere in the midst of life he became an alcoholic. I would say it started around 2-3 years ago, but it was a slow process. It hit me about 6 months ago that he was indeed an alcoholic and me his biggest enabler. Spend my evenings hoping the boys and I were in bed before he came home, waiting and listening for him to pull in to the driveway, waking up- hearing his car still on knowing he was passed out inside (I used to try and wake him up, I stopped that long ago). He's tried to quit 3-4 times, says he can do it on his own, makes it about 3 days and binges. His quitting is usually financially motivated (has no money to drink). He's developed what I can the alcoholic stench. He drinks every night of the week, wakes up (some how) manages to go to work, then heads straight to the bar again.
Last Sunday, Feb 12th, I found my "Line". Everyone kept asking when is enough enough? My response was, I feel myself getting closer to the line, I will know it when I see it. For me, I still love the MAN, not the alcoholic. So I struggle. But last Sunday he came home drunk, and he spun out of control. Threatened me, and for 3 long hours I felt like I was just simply surviving. It was the worst night of my life. He didn't hurt me, but he was thinking it, so how do I know next time he won't follow through? I was DONE. That night he left, wanted me to kick him out (I didn't) wanted me to tell him to stay (I didn't). The next morning, he was angry and then apologetic. My response was solid. He has to be sober- complete the program- to come home. Told him he could see the boys whenever he wanted, but had to be sober. They deserve a sober father and they deserve better than what we gave them that night.
But every day has been a struggle. I am in a battle of my own now. Fighting every instinct that wants him to just come home. I am insecure in this, I feel "mean"... And he knows what to say, twists my words, I "don't love him", all my fault, etc. Last night I was angry. I don't WANT an alcoholic spouse. I don't WANT any of this, but here I am. He went 7 days sober and CHOSE to take a drink last night, said he could control it, he's not ready. Supposed to start IOP today, we shall see.
I am seeing a counselor and have supportive friends, but can't attend an in-person meeting due to my job. Did my first online- chat meeting, here, last night. I cried the whole time because it was exactly what I needed. I would like to try and find a sponsor.
Curlyblu said
Feb 21, 2017
(((Hugs))) there are so many amazing people here that will thier stories and provide guidance in your healing. For me I found this group right when I needed it. I have only been here for a couple days. Reading their sharings....it is soooo true we are not alone. I already feel a small bit of tension lifted from me. And that's a start.
pumkin26 said
Feb 21, 2017
Thanks, since I posted I have been reading other posts and feel encouraged. I read your recent post as well and all the responses that followed. I like the notion of "I" statements. Easier said than done in the moment, but worth a try.
I try so hard not to engage with my AH when he comes home, some days it's easier than others. I feel like I can't figure out which way is up right now. I think the most complicated factor is the children. I can remove myself, but how do I protect them? They don't understand. I feel like I play a game of chess. I try an protect my AH's relationship with them so I cover and adjust in the situation. After last weeks episode I just don't feel comfortable with him around, but I want him home. I thought the boundary of him not coming home until sober made sense, and in the moment I think it was fair, but now, maybe I am going at this all wrong? If I accept he's an alcoholic, that I can't change him, that only he has the power.. If I learn to take care of me then if I chose to try and stay with him in this relationship (at least for now) is that being weak on my boundary? Am I then enabling again? I just have so many thoughts running thru my head, and every day I feel different. I am hoping that by coming here, attending meetings, I will find some clarity in all this fog...
Anon111 said
Feb 21, 2017
Thanks for posting - I am also new to Al Anon and your situation sounds so similar to mine. I have been with my husband for 12 years - I have had concerns about how much he drinks for a long time but things have been significantly worse over the last 12-18 months and I now realise that he is an alcoholic. We also have two very young children and I struggle with the idea of bringing them up in a house with an alcoholic who can be very verbally aggressive towards me but also feel that by leaving him, I would be abandoning him when I should be helping him through this. But I don't see a way through it because he won't admit he has a problem and I know I am probably making things worse by arguing with him about it but I don't know what else to do. It's an extremely frustrating situation because I just feel like shaking him - I wish he could see what's going on but he won't face up to it...
Curlyblu said
Feb 21, 2017
I sooooo get where you are coming from. So much has changed for me in a very short time just by on hear and reading. Many of the posts talk about some literature available. The first one I have read so far was one called "Merry go round named denial". Wow! An eye opener for me. By reading various posts here I seen how what I thought I was doing to "snap" him out of it I hurting myself bad. When I marked the bottles to see if he was refilling them, he never knew but I did....increasing my angry and resentment towards him.
As simular as the situations are through this we all have to do what is right for us. What is right for me may not be right for the next. But we can learn from each other.
This all fell into my lap when I was finally ready to listen to what I had been praying for.
Jazzie18 said
Feb 21, 2017
Pumpkin welcome.
I could really relate to your story. Found myself in a similar situation a few years ago with two young boys. My veil of denial finally lifted when we had planned a play date with friends and to have them over for brunch only for my husband to go out for an errand and come back completely loaded to our house (before the play date) at 11 in the morning. I finally couldn't deny he wasn't an A and we had a blow out fight after the couple and their daughter left. The only time he every showed signs of violence (and not towards me but he did punch our closet door and broke it) was that day. Packed up the kids and went to go stay with a mutual friend of ours. It broke my heart because I was balling and my kids were trying to cheer me up and told me daddy wasn't their friend anymore. Just killed me but it was the necessary step that needed to be taken. That day I finally woke up to my reality. It sucked but at least I was facing it head on. My husband also woke up after we left and realized what had happened and finally admitted he was an A. It took him a while to completely sober up so it is pretty normal that they try and fail and then try again, make promises, etc. He went to his first AA meeting the day after I left. Came home and proceeded to tell me he was ok drinking beer and not the hard stuff. This disease is just baffling and I am sure he really believed he had control over it. That only lasted about two weeks before he was back to secretly drinking. He finally sobered up a few months later but had to detox in the hospital. I think he knew that I was serious and was about to leave with our boys.
Any meeting you can get to will be worth it for your sanity. I know how stressful this is with little kids and just wanted to chime in with some support. I listened to the podcast www.therecoveryshow.com a lot when I was commuting to and from work. I found it very helpful, especially when I couldn't get to a meeting.
Sending positive thoughts.
pumkin26 said
Feb 21, 2017
Thanks Anon111- definitely similar stories... comforting to know I am not alone in this crazy!
Thanks, Curly- I agree, I spend a lot of my time spinning my wheels when he is none-the-wiser and then the resentment builds and I don't know how to get out of the cycle. Although I have been comforted in the fact that bc I've put a boundary in place that I know for certain he isn't coming home drunk. I definitely need to check out the Merry Go Round reading. Thanks :)
Thanks, Jazzie- yes, amazing how much your story resonates with me. Last night he felt because he wasn't "so" drunk and wasn't disrespecting me, wasn't threatening, etc. that I should be ok. When he left he last night he blamed me, but told the boys he was leaving bc he was sick. He got pretty emotional which I haven't seen. I tried, in that moment, to be supportive, positive. But shortly after he left he called me, was mad I "made" him leave, must be another guy, maybe he should get his own place, maybe he should just go and do child support, I'm being "controlling", I'm being passive aggressive (bc I was refusing to engage in his antics). etc. It was horrible. Then he texts and says he apologizes and that he let us down. I said "tomorrow is a new day, have to chose a better, sober life. we love you" again trying to be positive, but then he responds with "no you don't". I have days (before the incident) where I CHOSE happiness. I chose not to pick the fight the next day, I chose not to be resentful. But it's hard to do. I feel like because of how we have fallen into this pattern that if he truly wants to be sober then maybe he can't be in the home with us. Maybe he needs to step away. I can't depend on him right now. I am a single mother at this point whether he's in the house or now. And to be honest, he is away drinking so much that the boys don't even ask about him. They are always happy to see him, which I'll admit I sometimes resent. I will check out the podcast, thank you! I love a podcasts when I am driving.
pumkin26 said
Feb 21, 2017
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. Lori Deschene
I saw this today while reading. This is something I want to work on.
shrnp said
Feb 21, 2017
Hi Pumpkin, Thanks for sharing. I do not have any children with my qualifier, he is my ex-bf but I can relate to the experiences. It was a really hard time for me the ups and downs of my ex-bf's moods depending on his drinking or his not having a drink for a few days. The abstinence and binge drinking was worse then the everyday drinking. The first step of Alanon is, "We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable." Maybe that is the same as the line you were talking about. For me, my life in the relationship was unmanageable. My thinking was wrong because I was constantly making excuses for his behavior and feeling sorry for him. It is so easy to get caught up in the disease when a loved one is affected. It reminds me of a snowball rolling down a hill, getting progressively larger as it keeps rolling. Sometimes you just have to get off that hill and take a breath. Alanon is a good program to be with others going through similar things. I am glad you are here! Thanks for sharing.
-- Edited by shrnp on Tuesday 21st of February 2017 08:54:13 PM
Jazzie18 said
Feb 22, 2017
Oh the old blame game. Every A does this and tries to place the blame on others. Stay your course. I know when I first started to change with the help of Al-Anon it was scary for my husband as he wanted the status quo, i.e. me enabling his behavior. This to shall pass for you. Just focus on you and the kids and hopefully he will reach his bottom soon.
Iamhere said
Feb 22, 2017
Welcome to MIP pumkin - glad you found us and glad that you shared. So very sorry that you are affected by the disease of alcoholism. It's a nasty disease I wouldn't wish on my largest enemy. I and others here are 'double-winners' - meaning that we are qualified members of both side (AA & Al-Anon).
I won't bore you with my details - you can click through my name and read my bio....I can say that when I got to Al-Anon, I was beyond insane and I was so defeated, broken, lost and mad!!! I was mad at God, the world, my qualifiers, and just about anything/anyone who was remotely close to me/my life.
What I know about me and my recovery is I had to consciously decide to remove my focus from them to me. I had to stop wondering about 'us' and focus on me. When my mind meandered to the past, I had to bring it back to the here/now. When my mind floated to the future, I had to do the same. I was not rational enough in my emotions, thoughts and feelings to venture beyond the here and now - it just took me backwards in my recovery.
So - stay in the present, attend as many meetings as you can, get your hands on literature and make a decision to ground yourself in principles of recovery. Try not to wonder about him/what he's doing or what he's going to do. Instead, focus on what you need and you can do in this moment to bring joy to you and your boys. With kids, it's as easy as sitting on the floor and rolling a ball around.
Keep coming back - glad you're here - there is always hope and help in recovery!!
pumkin26 said
Feb 22, 2017
shrnp wrote:
Hi Pumpkin, Thanks for sharing. I do not have any children with my qualifier, he is my ex-bf but I can relate to the experiences. It was a really hard time for me the ups and downs of my ex-bf's moods depending on his drinking or his not having a drink for a few days. The abstinence and binge drinking was worse then the everyday drinking. The first step of Alanon is, "We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable." Maybe that is the same as the line you were talking about. For me, my life in the relationship was unmanageable. My thinking was wrong because I was constantly making excuses for his behavior and feeling sorry for him. It is so easy to get caught up in the disease when a loved one is affected. It reminds me of a snowball rolling down a hill, getting progressively larger as it keeps rolling. Sometimes you just have to get off that hill and take a breath. Alanon is a good program to be with others going through similar things. I am glad you are here! Thanks for sharing.
-- Edited by shrnp on Tuesday 21st of February 2017 08:54:13 PM
Thank you, it has definitely been a rollercoaster. My very life, mood, behavior was all focused around him. Wondering but at the same time KNOWING if/that he was drinking. I mean it's crazy to get mad when I KNOW that's exactly what he's doing. I have definitely started doing things regardless of if he will be around. 99% of the time he is not. Even holidays. This year I chose to not worry about him, the boys and I did our thing, and made plans to go to his family functions whether he was around or not. I found myself calm with no anxiety. He lies, all the time, about everything. He will say he's coming straight home, and will drive right by the house to go to the bar, but we both KNOW that is his intention... so why not just say that? That part is mind boggling. I find I have the most anxiety when he's actually trying to be sober, trying to quit. Bc I have become so accustomed to him drinking, and I know what to expect from him. I have only attended two meetings, and spent a week reading everything I can find and I am already starting to feel myself climb out of the dark... one day at a time.
pumkin26 said
Feb 22, 2017
Jazzie18 wrote:
Oh the old blame game. Every A does this and tries to place the blame on others. Stay your course. I know when I first started to change with the help of Al-Anon it was scary for my husband as he wanted the status quo, i.e. me enabling his behavior. This to shall pass for you. Just focus on you and the kids and hopefully he will reach his bottom soon.
Thanks Jazzie, it is interesting. when I told my AH that I was going to go to Alanon- a few months ago, and then recently I said I was going to go to counseling, he said "you don't need to go, it's a waste of your time" isn't that interesting. I am in fact seeing a counselor (I have my own baggage to work thru, hoping by getting myself straight it will help me to become stronger to help myself in this alcoholic whirlwind) and now I am attending Alanon... both without his knowledge. He knows that if I get the tools, then he will lose the control over my enabling I would guess. I find it hard to not engage with him when he is drunk. I don't know how to disengage his constant barrage of saying the same things over and over again... the constant need of affirmation from the boys and I "do you love me, do you love me, you don't love me, thats ok, you must love someone else, do you love me, say that you love me" same with the boys, and they think it's funny to joke with him and he's response (sober and drunk) is "oh so my boys hate me, my boys don't love me, you have turned them against me, oh they don't love me". eh. someday I hope by attending meetings and interacting I will learn how to cope with this behavior.
pumkin26 said
Feb 22, 2017
Iamhere wrote:
Welcome to MIP pumkin - glad you found us and glad that you shared. So very sorry that you are affected by the disease of alcoholism. It's a nasty disease I wouldn't wish on my largest enemy. I and others here are 'double-winners' - meaning that we are qualified members of both side (AA & Al-Anon).
I won't bore you with my details - you can click through my name and read my bio....I can say that when I got to Al-Anon, I was beyond insane and I was so defeated, broken, lost and mad!!! I was mad at God, the world, my qualifiers, and just about anything/anyone who was remotely close to me/my life.
What I know about me and my recovery is I had to consciously decide to remove my focus from them to me. I had to stop wondering about 'us' and focus on me. When my mind meandered to the past, I had to bring it back to the here/now. When my mind floated to the future, I had to do the same. I was not rational enough in my emotions, thoughts and feelings to venture beyond the here and now - it just took me backwards in my recovery.
So - stay in the present, attend as many meetings as you can, get your hands on literature and make a decision to ground yourself in principles of recovery. Try not to wonder about him/what he's doing or what he's going to do. Instead, focus on what you need and you can do in this moment to bring joy to you and your boys. With kids, it's as easy as sitting on the floor and rolling a ball around.
Keep coming back - glad you're here - there is always hope and help in recovery!!
Thank you for sharing, I have read several message board posts, and read a lot of your shares as it relates to the topic. The quote in your signature resonated with me yesterday. I relate to everything you said in this post. Mad and resentful are strong emotions. I am hurt tho, and it's because I have not accepted (I am working on it) the disease. My needs and wants take a back seat to his disease, it consumes him. I am resentful. But last night I was in the online group meeting and I shared and it hit me, I say I love the man not the alcoholic, I love my kids, but I don't love myself. It was a moment of clarity. How can I love everyone but myself? And you are right, I focus on the past, how we used to be, how he used to show me love, I look to the future--- hoping someday he will be the man I remember. I am trying to just live one day at a time. It is all I can handle. I feel very vulnerable right now.
I have embraced "Let go and let god" today. I have said it out loud, even while working out (for the first time in ages, always an excuse) I said it. I set my intention to ME. It's hard as a mother, a spouse, to remember to take care of myself. And as you said, I have spent so much time wondering, worrying, asking what is he doing. Tonight, as I already knew what he was going, I paused. I took a moment. I didn't ask, I just let it roll. He came home, drunk of course and on his own decided to leave. It's a boundary I set, but he tests it daily. Sometimes he's angry, sometimes I'm "controlling", but tonight I calmly asked, "why did you drink", I didnt accuse, I didn't yell, I paused. and he said "I don't know" and I nodded, bc that is the truth. He still thinks he can "do it on his own" I know that he can't, but it's not my battle, it's his. He said he was sorry, which he does sometimes, but there wasn't the blame, there wasn't the yelling at me, he didn't talk in circles, he just said he was sorry.
I feel like, maybe, in that moment... I gave him respect. It was my moment. I doubt it will affect him one way or the other bc he is in his alcoholic fog, but I don't care, bc for me it was one of the first times I felt I acknowledged the disease, accepted him as an alcoholic. I am at peace tonight.
Thanks you.
el-cee said
Feb 23, 2017
Im sorry Pumkin for your situation. I can relate to all of it. Having a family and the chaos and insanity that we live with and become very addicted to. The excited misery of the drama triggers our own addiction and we become uneasy irritable in any peace from this. Have you read any of the Alanon literature. It might be a good idea to start with little bits and pieces. I clung to the 'Detachment' leaflet and the 'Just for Today' card. These are available for little cost on the official website. Another good piece of literature is the 'Merrygoround called denial.' Im not sure how others progress without live meetings, these were crucial for me. They broke the isolation, I got to have a support network of people who truly understood and who I can phone and reach out to. Recovery is a life saving program like life giving medicine and so If I want to keep getting better then I must make this program a priority in my life. The best gift I gave my children were the example I set when I got some clarity and sanity back into my life.
Curlyblu said
Feb 23, 2017
el-cee wrote:
Im sorry Pumkin for your situation. I can relate to all of it. Having a family and the chaos and insanity that we live with and become very addicted to. The excited misery of the drama triggers our own addiction and we become uneasy irritable in any peace from this. Have you read any of the Alanon literature. It might be a good idea to start with little bits and pieces. I clung to the 'Detachment' leaflet and the 'Just for Today' card. These are available for little cost on the official website. Another good piece of literature is the 'Merrygoround called denial.' Im not sure how others progress without live meetings, these were crucial for me. They broke the isolation, I got to have a support network of people who truly understood and who I can phone and reach out to. Recovery is a life saving program like life giving medicine and so If I want to keep getting better then I must make this program a priority in my life. The best gift I gave my children were the example I set when I got some clarity and sanity back into my life.
This hit home for me. Becoming addicted to the chaos and insanity......excited misery......wow, that is so where I was. I didn't realize I was feeding off all that. It created a "bring it on, I'm ready for round #2586 of your crap". Began to look forward to the next fight just to get it off my chest. I would have a better "conversation" with a wall. But being addicted to the chaos I really thought he was hearing my anger and hurt.
((pumkin)) So glad you found some peace. Your shares have really touched me. How different yet how simular our situations are. For me, turning the focus on to me getting myself going in a good direction, I hope I will be able to see better when another "here we go again"moment happens.
2accept said
Feb 23, 2017
How's it going today, Pumpkin? You're sharing has touched the lives of many others in Alanon. Your struggles with the active alcoholic are universal. The reassurance is that you are not alone in this healing process. One of the most powerful Principles in the Alanon program is: "We can't change another person. We CAN change only ourselves, our attitudes, our actions, our focus, our behaviors, our old limiting ideas, our belief systems, and on and on about ourselves, only. That can feel very frustrating and frightening at first, because we who suffer from untreated enabling are usually very, very busy managing, controlling, dictating, corralling, manipulating, reprimanding, scolding, etc., the wayward active alcoholic and sometimes the sober alcoholic, too. Like herding cats, they just won't stay put... darn those alcoholic cats!! My experience has been, the less I do for the alcoholic, the more they begin to do for themselves or suffer THEIR OWN consequences from not doing. I choose today, not to pick up their slack. They have a right to be wrong and it's not my job to correct them or save them... they can work that out with their own HP. I resigned a long time ago being their "self-appointed" higher-power. Today, I'm actually a "lower-power", meaning I have no answers, no excuses, no lying, no money, no bailing out, no decisions, etc. for them. I'm no longer extending myself as a "free ride" hotel, chauffeur, nursemaid, counselor, entertainment director, atm bank machine, credit card, babysitter, personal assistant, bill payer, ambulance driver, private investigator, suicide hotline, etc. for them. I keep the focus closely on my recovery program and on my non-enabling behaviors. I've had many emotional relapses over the years, where I had fallen prey to the alcoholic's tears, whining, and threats. My choice today is: "If the alcoholic wants to remain infantile and not grow up that's their business. My business, just for today, is not to participate in coddling and co-signing their alcoholic insanity b.s. It's amazing how quickly most alcoholics respond positively to this "hands-off" approach. They realize the "gigs up" with this Alanon member. My moto today for the active alcoholic is: "Get totally and completely in recovery or get out." If they leave, it's no longer rejection for me, but God's protection. I don't waiver today, because my God doesn't waiver, either. I deserve to be loved and protected by God. I can't feel God's Love and Protection if I'm blocking it by my old ideas of helplessness, victimization, worthlessness, self-pity, know-it-all-ism, and disrespect of self. This new attitude has come as a result of years in the program, working and incorporating the 12 Steps into my daily life, and close contact with my sponsor and others in the program. Bouncing thoughts and ideas off of them & God, before I execute any plan of action, has helped steer me away from the emotional landmines which used to blow me up into a million painful pieces. Alanon's healing is not a "rush-job" We didn't get sick overnight, we're not going to get well overnight, either. I've come to realize that time by itself doesn't heal wounds without the work that is required to do the 12 Steps with a sponsor who has worked all 12 Steps & is applying them to their own life. We are either "talking the talk" or "walking the walk." "Walking the walk" depends on our spiritual health which is brought about by our comittment to the 12 Step work. All healing can be found in the deep Spiritual Step Work we avail ourselves to.
Hope, Blessings, and Comfort in your walk.
pumkin26 said
Feb 23, 2017
2accept wrote:
How's it going today, Pumpkin? You're sharing has touched the lives of many others in Alanon. Your struggles with the active alcoholic are universal. The reassurance is that you are not alone in this healing process. One of the most powerful Principles in the Alanon program is: "We can't change another person. We CAN change only ourselves, our attitudes, our actions, our focus, our behaviors, our old limiting ideas, our belief systems, and on and on about ourselves, only. That can feel very frustrating and frightening at first, because we who suffer from untreated enabling are usually very, very busy managing, controlling, dictating, corralling, manipulating, reprimanding, scolding, etc., the wayward active alcoholic and sometimes the sober alcoholic, too. Like herding cats, they just won't stay put... darn those alcoholic cats!! My experience has been, the less I do for the alcoholic, the more they begin to do for themselves or suffer THEIR OWN consequences from not doing. I choose today, not to pick up their slack. They have a right to be wrong and it's not my job to correct them or save them... they can work that out with their own HP. I resigned a long time ago being their "self-appointed" higher-power. Today, I'm actually a "lower-power", meaning I have no answers, no excuses, no lying, no money, no bailing out, no decisions, etc. for them. I'm no longer extending myself as a "free ride" hotel, chauffeur, nursemaid, counselor, entertainment director, atm bank machine, credit card, babysitter, personal assistant, bill payer, ambulance driver, private investigator, suicide hotline, etc. for them. I keep the focus closely on my recovery program and on my non-enabling behaviors. I've had many emotional relapses over the years, where I had fallen prey to the alcoholic's tears, whining, and threats. My choice today is: "If the alcoholic wants to remain infantile and not grow up that's their business. My business, just for today, is not to participate in coddling and co-signing their alcoholic insanity b.s. It's amazing how quickly most alcoholics respond positively to this "hands-off" approach. They realize the "gigs up" with this Alanon member. My moto today for the active alcoholic is: "Get totally and completely in recovery or get out." If they leave, it's no longer rejection for me, but God's protection. I don't waiver today, because my God doesn't waiver, either. I deserve to be loved and protected by God. I can't feel God's Love and Protection if I'm blocking it by my old ideas of helplessness, victimization, worthlessness, self-pity, know-it-all-ism, and disrespect of self. This new attitude has come as a result of years in the program, working and incorporating the 12 Steps into my daily life, and close contact with my sponsor and others in the program. Bouncing thoughts and ideas off of them & God, before I execute any plan of action, has helped steer me away from the emotional landmines which used to blow me up into a million painful pieces. Alanon's healing is not a "rush-job" We didn't get sick overnight, we're not going to get well overnight, either. I've come to realize that time by itself doesn't heal wounds without the work that is required to do the 12 Steps with a sponsor who has worked all 12 Steps & is applying them to their own life. We are either "talking the talk" or "walking the walk." "Walking the walk" depends on our spiritual health which is brought about by our comittment to the 12 Step work. All healing can be found in the deep Spiritual Step Work we avail ourselves to. Hope, Blessings, and Comfort in your walk.
Thank you 2accept- this really hit home for me today. As I read your comment, I nodded and nodded and nodded. It occurred to me that one of my greater hurdles in this process (for me) is that I am a people pleaser by nature, which then made me think, I am enabler BY nature. I have been enabling my AH our entire relationship way before he was even an active alcoholic. Our relationship centered around my need to "fix" everything all of the time. So now when he hit a consequence of his alcoholism he turns to me and looks for me to fix it and if I can't then he will do it "himself". But he takes this stance with the entire family, it is definitely a great manipulation tool he uses. I am listening to a podcast from "the recovery show" on boundaries (bc this is something that I crave information and clarity on- realistic healthy boundaries vs control) and they talk about boundaries in all facets of life, with our children and at work. I realized boundaries are very uncomfortable for me in all areas. I have a lot of work to do on ME.
One of the boundaries I set, and I mention it in my first post, is not allowing him in the house when he is drunk (I am learning about certain flexibility around boundaries from the podcast) and so bc he's not home I find myself in a state of wondering where he is (is he really staying at his moms, is he at another womans house- she exists- a lot of lies, etc). I try to focus on the fact that he isn't in the house drunk around myself but especially around the children. And each day I work and read Alanon I feel more comfortable in that thinking. But I found myself, just this morning wondering "he has been gone for almost 2 weeks, hasn't grabbed more clothes, hasn't washed, where is he washing? his mom doesn't have a washer and dryer, he must be with HER, do I care if he's with her? Should I care?" 10 whole minutes circling around his clothes. And I thought, WHY DO I CARE? If other people chose to enable him should I care? I struggle with truth and lies, with whether or not I should hold him accountable? And then I read your post and I thought YES! herding alcoholic cats, YES! It's the insanity I feel. and all those things you listed under "lower power" of what you weren't doing anymore, I am all those things. Slowly I have started to detach, taking one or two off the list, before I started alanon. Somewhere I changed and it became an illusion "I don't care" mentality. I now go to sleep, not listening for his car, not listening for when he comes home, not caring. But is that my truth? It's not, bc in the morning I wake up resentful that once again he passed out on the couch - haven't slept in a bed together consistently in at least a year bc he passes out on couch and if he is trying not to drink he can't sleep so he doesn't come up either. It gets twisted into the relationship- he doesn't come to bed bc he doesn't want to, must not love me, but the reality is, he simply passed out! Some nights he hasn't come home, I wake up furious, full anxiety mode, how can he not call me an communicate, is it so hard? So I really DO care. Right?
I know that my recovery will be a slow process. But that Sunday was a wake up call, I saw the disease staring at me in an angry face of a man I didn't even recognize. Sundays have always been bad, bc that is his day to drink all day with no responsibilities. He's come home on a Sunday afternoon, drunk, annoyed the boys and I, passed out on the couch, just to wake up 2-3 hours later and head back to the bar. Always making promises (and lying) to the boys that he'll get them candy or be right back.
It is so comforting to know that I am not alone in this chaos.
pumkin26 said
Feb 23, 2017
Curlyblu wrote:
el-cee wrote:
Im sorry Pumkin for your situation. I can relate to all of it. Having a family and the chaos and insanity that we live with and become very addicted to. The excited misery of the drama triggers our own addiction and we become uneasy irritable in any peace from this. Have you read any of the Alanon literature. It might be a good idea to start with little bits and pieces. I clung to the 'Detachment' leaflet and the 'Just for Today' card. These are available for little cost on the official website. Another good piece of literature is the 'Merrygoround called denial.' Im not sure how others progress without live meetings, these were crucial for me. They broke the isolation, I got to have a support network of people who truly understood and who I can phone and reach out to. Recovery is a life saving program like life giving medicine and so If I want to keep getting better then I must make this program a priority in my life. The best gift I gave my children were the example I set when I got some clarity and sanity back into my life.
This hit home for me. Becoming addicted to the chaos and insanity......excited misery......wow, that is so where I was. I didn't realize I was feeding off all that. It created a "bring it on, I'm ready for round #2586 of your crap". Began to look forward to the next fight just to get it off my chest. I would have a better "conversation" with a wall. But being addicted to the chaos I really thought he was hearing my anger and hurt.
((pumkin)) So glad you found some peace. Your shares have really touched me. How different yet how simular our situations are. For me, turning the focus on to me getting myself going in a good direction, I hope I will be able to see better when another "here we go again"moment happens.
Thank you el-cee! I am working to get the literature that I need, reading on here, going to online meetings, and listening to podcasts. Soaking it all up right now. and finding comfort in the knowledge that I am not alone. I wish I could attend in person meetings, and perhaps this summer when my work schedule is more flexible I can adjust to attend meetings.
Curly- lol at "better "conversation" with a wall" is so true. I work to not engage, but when the kids are around it becomes a whole new game. They don't know how not to engage, and as he says to them the same thing over and over again for 30 mins (making me want to slam my head in a wall) they get more and more irritated. Especially the older one. He has started to figure out that dad lies (about coming home, or getting him a treat) and when dad comes home without making true to promises my son gets upset, dad tries to bribe him with money (just to "borrow" it when he's broke) and then he puts it back on the son like "get over it, don't be so dramatic, I'll get it tomorrow, come sit with me, etc." I try and intervene and AH starts disrespecting me, dismissing me in front of the boys. That can't be good, right? Sigh, even typing this has stirred my anxiety. So for me, regardless of how/if my relationship survives this I take small comfort in the boundary I have set bc I know that this is how I can protect the kids in the only positive way I know how to. I mean every choice has a consequence, so this to has an effect on them, but which is worse, and absent dad that isn't really ever around anyways, or a drunk dad who when he decides to pop up throws everyone into a tail spin?
Sorry- I think I went off on a tangent there. Ha. Anyways, like you I think I feed off his chaos. And the control OCD part of me (my own nature) gets to hold on to control. Not healthy. Le sigh. Let go and let god. Let go------ all day, every hour, let go and let god.
I have been with my Alcoholic spouse for 8+ years (we have two young beautiful boys) and somewhere in the midst of life he became an alcoholic. I would say it started around 2-3 years ago, but it was a slow process. It hit me about 6 months ago that he was indeed an alcoholic and me his biggest enabler. Spend my evenings hoping the boys and I were in bed before he came home, waiting and listening for him to pull in to the driveway, waking up- hearing his car still on knowing he was passed out inside (I used to try and wake him up, I stopped that long ago). He's tried to quit 3-4 times, says he can do it on his own, makes it about 3 days and binges. His quitting is usually financially motivated (has no money to drink). He's developed what I can the alcoholic stench. He drinks every night of the week, wakes up (some how) manages to go to work, then heads straight to the bar again.
Last Sunday, Feb 12th, I found my "Line". Everyone kept asking when is enough enough? My response was, I feel myself getting closer to the line, I will know it when I see it. For me, I still love the MAN, not the alcoholic. So I struggle. But last Sunday he came home drunk, and he spun out of control. Threatened me, and for 3 long hours I felt like I was just simply surviving. It was the worst night of my life. He didn't hurt me, but he was thinking it, so how do I know next time he won't follow through? I was DONE. That night he left, wanted me to kick him out (I didn't) wanted me to tell him to stay (I didn't). The next morning, he was angry and then apologetic. My response was solid. He has to be sober- complete the program- to come home. Told him he could see the boys whenever he wanted, but had to be sober. They deserve a sober father and they deserve better than what we gave them that night.
But every day has been a struggle. I am in a battle of my own now. Fighting every instinct that wants him to just come home. I am insecure in this, I feel "mean"... And he knows what to say, twists my words, I "don't love him", all my fault, etc. Last night I was angry. I don't WANT an alcoholic spouse. I don't WANT any of this, but here I am. He went 7 days sober and CHOSE to take a drink last night, said he could control it, he's not ready. Supposed to start IOP today, we shall see.
I am seeing a counselor and have supportive friends, but can't attend an in-person meeting due to my job. Did my first online- chat meeting, here, last night. I cried the whole time because it was exactly what I needed. I would like to try and find a sponsor.
I try so hard not to engage with my AH when he comes home, some days it's easier than others. I feel like I can't figure out which way is up right now. I think the most complicated factor is the children. I can remove myself, but how do I protect them? They don't understand. I feel like I play a game of chess. I try an protect my AH's relationship with them so I cover and adjust in the situation. After last weeks episode I just don't feel comfortable with him around, but I want him home. I thought the boundary of him not coming home until sober made sense, and in the moment I think it was fair, but now, maybe I am going at this all wrong? If I accept he's an alcoholic, that I can't change him, that only he has the power.. If I learn to take care of me then if I chose to try and stay with him in this relationship (at least for now) is that being weak on my boundary? Am I then enabling again? I just have so many thoughts running thru my head, and every day I feel different. I am hoping that by coming here, attending meetings, I will find some clarity in all this fog...
I could really relate to your story. Found myself in a similar situation a few years ago with two young boys. My veil of denial finally lifted when we had planned a play date with friends and to have them over for brunch only for my husband to go out for an errand and come back completely loaded to our house (before the play date) at 11 in the morning. I finally couldn't deny he wasn't an A and we had a blow out fight after the couple and their daughter left. The only time he every showed signs of violence (and not towards me but he did punch our closet door and broke it) was that day. Packed up the kids and went to go stay with a mutual friend of ours. It broke my heart because I was balling and my kids were trying to cheer me up and told me daddy wasn't their friend anymore. Just killed me but it was the necessary step that needed to be taken. That day I finally woke up to my reality. It sucked but at least I was facing it head on. My husband also woke up after we left and realized what had happened and finally admitted he was an A. It took him a while to completely sober up so it is pretty normal that they try and fail and then try again, make promises, etc. He went to his first AA meeting the day after I left. Came home and proceeded to tell me he was ok drinking beer and not the hard stuff. This disease is just baffling and I am sure he really believed he had control over it. That only lasted about two weeks before he was back to secretly drinking. He finally sobered up a few months later but had to detox in the hospital. I think he knew that I was serious and was about to leave with our boys.
Any meeting you can get to will be worth it for your sanity. I know how stressful this is with little kids and just wanted to chime in with some support. I listened to the podcast www.therecoveryshow.com a lot when I was commuting to and from work. I found it very helpful, especially when I couldn't get to a meeting.
Sending positive thoughts.
Thanks, Curly- I agree, I spend a lot of my time spinning my wheels when he is none-the-wiser and then the resentment builds and I don't know how to get out of the cycle. Although I have been comforted in the fact that bc I've put a boundary in place that I know for certain he isn't coming home drunk. I definitely need to check out the Merry Go Round reading. Thanks :)
Thanks, Jazzie- yes, amazing how much your story resonates with me. Last night he felt because he wasn't "so" drunk and wasn't disrespecting me, wasn't threatening, etc. that I should be ok. When he left he last night he blamed me, but told the boys he was leaving bc he was sick. He got pretty emotional which I haven't seen. I tried, in that moment, to be supportive, positive. But shortly after he left he called me, was mad I "made" him leave, must be another guy, maybe he should get his own place, maybe he should just go and do child support, I'm being "controlling", I'm being passive aggressive (bc I was refusing to engage in his antics). etc. It was horrible. Then he texts and says he apologizes and that he let us down. I said "tomorrow is a new day, have to chose a better, sober life. we love you" again trying to be positive, but then he responds with "no you don't". I have days (before the incident) where I CHOSE happiness. I chose not to pick the fight the next day, I chose not to be resentful. But it's hard to do. I feel like because of how we have fallen into this pattern that if he truly wants to be sober then maybe he can't be in the home with us. Maybe he needs to step away. I can't depend on him right now. I am a single mother at this point whether he's in the house or now. And to be honest, he is away drinking so much that the boys don't even ask about him. They are always happy to see him, which I'll admit I sometimes resent. I will check out the podcast, thank you! I love a podcasts when I am driving.
I saw this today while reading. This is something I want to work on.
Hi Pumpkin,
Thanks for sharing. I do not have any children with my qualifier, he is my ex-bf but I can relate to the experiences. It was a really hard time for me the ups and downs of my ex-bf's moods depending on his drinking or his not having a drink for a few days. The abstinence and binge drinking was worse then the everyday drinking. The first step of Alanon is, "We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable." Maybe that is the same as the line you were talking about. For me, my life in the relationship was unmanageable. My thinking was wrong because I was constantly making excuses for his behavior and feeling sorry for him. It is so easy to get caught up in the disease when a loved one is affected. It reminds me of a snowball rolling down a hill, getting progressively larger as it keeps rolling. Sometimes you just have to get off that hill and take a breath. Alanon is a good program to be with others going through similar things. I am glad you are here! Thanks for sharing.
-- Edited by shrnp on Tuesday 21st of February 2017 08:54:13 PM
I won't bore you with my details - you can click through my name and read my bio....I can say that when I got to Al-Anon, I was beyond insane and I was so defeated, broken, lost and mad!!! I was mad at God, the world, my qualifiers, and just about anything/anyone who was remotely close to me/my life.
What I know about me and my recovery is I had to consciously decide to remove my focus from them to me. I had to stop wondering about 'us' and focus on me. When my mind meandered to the past, I had to bring it back to the here/now. When my mind floated to the future, I had to do the same. I was not rational enough in my emotions, thoughts and feelings to venture beyond the here and now - it just took me backwards in my recovery.
So - stay in the present, attend as many meetings as you can, get your hands on literature and make a decision to ground yourself in principles of recovery. Try not to wonder about him/what he's doing or what he's going to do. Instead, focus on what you need and you can do in this moment to bring joy to you and your boys. With kids, it's as easy as sitting on the floor and rolling a ball around.
Keep coming back - glad you're here - there is always hope and help in recovery!!
Thank you, it has definitely been a rollercoaster. My very life, mood, behavior was all focused around him. Wondering but at the same time KNOWING if/that he was drinking. I mean it's crazy to get mad when I KNOW that's exactly what he's doing. I have definitely started doing things regardless of if he will be around. 99% of the time he is not. Even holidays. This year I chose to not worry about him, the boys and I did our thing, and made plans to go to his family functions whether he was around or not. I found myself calm with no anxiety. He lies, all the time, about everything. He will say he's coming straight home, and will drive right by the house to go to the bar, but we both KNOW that is his intention... so why not just say that? That part is mind boggling. I find I have the most anxiety when he's actually trying to be sober, trying to quit. Bc I have become so accustomed to him drinking, and I know what to expect from him. I have only attended two meetings, and spent a week reading everything I can find and I am already starting to feel myself climb out of the dark... one day at a time.
Thanks Jazzie, it is interesting. when I told my AH that I was going to go to Alanon- a few months ago, and then recently I said I was going to go to counseling, he said "you don't need to go, it's a waste of your time" isn't that interesting. I am in fact seeing a counselor (I have my own baggage to work thru, hoping by getting myself straight it will help me to become stronger to help myself in this alcoholic whirlwind) and now I am attending Alanon... both without his knowledge. He knows that if I get the tools, then he will lose the control over my enabling I would guess. I find it hard to not engage with him when he is drunk. I don't know how to disengage his constant barrage of saying the same things over and over again... the constant need of affirmation from the boys and I "do you love me, do you love me, you don't love me, thats ok, you must love someone else, do you love me, say that you love me" same with the boys, and they think it's funny to joke with him and he's response (sober and drunk) is "oh so my boys hate me, my boys don't love me, you have turned them against me, oh they don't love me". eh. someday I hope by attending meetings and interacting I will learn how to cope with this behavior.
Thank you for sharing, I have read several message board posts, and read a lot of your shares as it relates to the topic. The quote in your signature resonated with me yesterday. I relate to everything you said in this post. Mad and resentful are strong emotions. I am hurt tho, and it's because I have not accepted (I am working on it) the disease. My needs and wants take a back seat to his disease, it consumes him. I am resentful. But last night I was in the online group meeting and I shared and it hit me, I say I love the man not the alcoholic, I love my kids, but I don't love myself. It was a moment of clarity. How can I love everyone but myself? And you are right, I focus on the past, how we used to be, how he used to show me love, I look to the future--- hoping someday he will be the man I remember. I am trying to just live one day at a time. It is all I can handle. I feel very vulnerable right now.
I have embraced "Let go and let god" today. I have said it out loud, even while working out (for the first time in ages, always an excuse) I said it. I set my intention to ME. It's hard as a mother, a spouse, to remember to take care of myself. And as you said, I have spent so much time wondering, worrying, asking what is he doing. Tonight, as I already knew what he was going, I paused. I took a moment. I didn't ask, I just let it roll. He came home, drunk of course and on his own decided to leave. It's a boundary I set, but he tests it daily. Sometimes he's angry, sometimes I'm "controlling", but tonight I calmly asked, "why did you drink", I didnt accuse, I didn't yell, I paused. and he said "I don't know" and I nodded, bc that is the truth. He still thinks he can "do it on his own" I know that he can't, but it's not my battle, it's his. He said he was sorry, which he does sometimes, but there wasn't the blame, there wasn't the yelling at me, he didn't talk in circles, he just said he was sorry.
I feel like, maybe, in that moment... I gave him respect. It was my moment. I doubt it will affect him one way or the other bc he is in his alcoholic fog, but I don't care, bc for me it was one of the first times I felt I acknowledged the disease, accepted him as an alcoholic. I am at peace tonight.
Thanks you.
Im sorry Pumkin for your situation. I can relate to all of it. Having a family and the chaos and insanity that we live with and become very addicted to. The excited misery of the drama triggers our own addiction and we become uneasy irritable in any peace from this. Have you read any of the Alanon literature. It might be a good idea to start with little bits and pieces. I clung to the 'Detachment' leaflet and the 'Just for Today' card. These are available for little cost on the official website. Another good piece of literature is the 'Merrygoround called denial.' Im not sure how others progress without live meetings, these were crucial for me. They broke the isolation, I got to have a support network of people who truly understood and who I can phone and reach out to. Recovery is a life saving program like life giving medicine and so If I want to keep getting better then I must make this program a priority in my life. The best gift I gave my children were the example I set when I got some clarity and sanity back into my life.
This hit home for me. Becoming addicted to the chaos and insanity......excited misery......wow, that is so where I was. I didn't realize I was feeding off all that. It created a "bring it on, I'm ready for round #2586 of your crap". Began to look forward to the next fight just to get it off my chest. I would have a better "conversation" with a wall. But being addicted to the chaos I really thought he was hearing my anger and hurt.
((pumkin)) So glad you found some peace. Your shares have really touched me. How different yet how simular our situations are. For me, turning the focus on to me getting myself going in a good direction, I hope I will be able to see better when another "here we go again"moment happens.
Thank you 2accept- this really hit home for me today. As I read your comment, I nodded and nodded and nodded. It occurred to me that one of my greater hurdles in this process (for me) is that I am a people pleaser by nature, which then made me think, I am enabler BY nature. I have been enabling my AH our entire relationship way before he was even an active alcoholic. Our relationship centered around my need to "fix" everything all of the time. So now when he hit a consequence of his alcoholism he turns to me and looks for me to fix it and if I can't then he will do it "himself". But he takes this stance with the entire family, it is definitely a great manipulation tool he uses. I am listening to a podcast from "the recovery show" on boundaries (bc this is something that I crave information and clarity on- realistic healthy boundaries vs control) and they talk about boundaries in all facets of life, with our children and at work. I realized boundaries are very uncomfortable for me in all areas. I have a lot of work to do on ME.
One of the boundaries I set, and I mention it in my first post, is not allowing him in the house when he is drunk (I am learning about certain flexibility around boundaries from the podcast) and so bc he's not home I find myself in a state of wondering where he is (is he really staying at his moms, is he at another womans house- she exists- a lot of lies, etc). I try to focus on the fact that he isn't in the house drunk around myself but especially around the children. And each day I work and read Alanon I feel more comfortable in that thinking. But I found myself, just this morning wondering "he has been gone for almost 2 weeks, hasn't grabbed more clothes, hasn't washed, where is he washing? his mom doesn't have a washer and dryer, he must be with HER, do I care if he's with her? Should I care?" 10 whole minutes circling around his clothes. And I thought, WHY DO I CARE? If other people chose to enable him should I care? I struggle with truth and lies, with whether or not I should hold him accountable? And then I read your post and I thought YES! herding alcoholic cats, YES! It's the insanity I feel. and all those things you listed under "lower power" of what you weren't doing anymore, I am all those things. Slowly I have started to detach, taking one or two off the list, before I started alanon. Somewhere I changed and it became an illusion "I don't care" mentality. I now go to sleep, not listening for his car, not listening for when he comes home, not caring. But is that my truth? It's not, bc in the morning I wake up resentful that once again he passed out on the couch - haven't slept in a bed together consistently in at least a year bc he passes out on couch and if he is trying not to drink he can't sleep so he doesn't come up either. It gets twisted into the relationship- he doesn't come to bed bc he doesn't want to, must not love me, but the reality is, he simply passed out! Some nights he hasn't come home, I wake up furious, full anxiety mode, how can he not call me an communicate, is it so hard? So I really DO care. Right?
I know that my recovery will be a slow process. But that Sunday was a wake up call, I saw the disease staring at me in an angry face of a man I didn't even recognize. Sundays have always been bad, bc that is his day to drink all day with no responsibilities. He's come home on a Sunday afternoon, drunk, annoyed the boys and I, passed out on the couch, just to wake up 2-3 hours later and head back to the bar. Always making promises (and lying) to the boys that he'll get them candy or be right back.
It is so comforting to know that I am not alone in this chaos.
Thank you el-cee! I am working to get the literature that I need, reading on here, going to online meetings, and listening to podcasts. Soaking it all up right now. and finding comfort in the knowledge that I am not alone. I wish I could attend in person meetings, and perhaps this summer when my work schedule is more flexible I can adjust to attend meetings.
Curly- lol at "better "conversation" with a wall" is so true. I work to not engage, but when the kids are around it becomes a whole new game. They don't know how not to engage, and as he says to them the same thing over and over again for 30 mins (making me want to slam my head in a wall) they get more and more irritated. Especially the older one. He has started to figure out that dad lies (about coming home, or getting him a treat) and when dad comes home without making true to promises my son gets upset, dad tries to bribe him with money (just to "borrow" it when he's broke) and then he puts it back on the son like "get over it, don't be so dramatic, I'll get it tomorrow, come sit with me, etc." I try and intervene and AH starts disrespecting me, dismissing me in front of the boys. That can't be good, right? Sigh, even typing this has stirred my anxiety. So for me, regardless of how/if my relationship survives this I take small comfort in the boundary I have set bc I know that this is how I can protect the kids in the only positive way I know how to. I mean every choice has a consequence, so this to has an effect on them, but which is worse, and absent dad that isn't really ever around anyways, or a drunk dad who when he decides to pop up throws everyone into a tail spin?
Sorry- I think I went off on a tangent there. Ha. Anyways, like you I think I feed off his chaos. And the control OCD part of me (my own nature) gets to hold on to control. Not healthy. Le sigh. Let go and let god. Let go------ all day, every hour, let go and let god.