I am new to this board and I'm hoping to gain a better understanding of a man that I have met in a romantic capacity.
We met 6 months ago and at that time he was about 4 months into sobriety.
Fast forward to now and he is 9 months sober and I'm trying to understand his emotions, which have been all over the place since we met.
Has anyone here had experience with this? Meeting or supporting someone through recovery?
Since our history is short, I don't have a grasp of who he really is and I feel like he is just starting to discover who he really is, too.
We've expressed love, but anytime things get a little deeper, he pulls back. And what felt like a relationship starting to form was recently shut down when he said he was not ready to be in one. Yet, some weeks he acts like all he wants is to be with me, and other weeks he retreats into himself and I barely hear from him.
Is this normal behavior for someone going through recovery?
hotrod said
Feb 21, 2017
Hello Magicmaker and Welcome. Please search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. Alanon will provide new healthy constructive tools to live by. Meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages. You are not alone.
shrnp said
Feb 21, 2017
Hello Magicmaker,
You did not mention if your friend was in a recovery program. Recovery programs for alcoholics like AA tell people new to sobriety to not form any serious emotional relationships. I cannot say that is what is going on but that might make him hesitant. Some people are very new to sobriety and are learning to live their lives all over again. It can be very painful to be in a relationship and not understand but Alanon can be very helpful. Other members have gone through some of the same things you are going through. They have online meetings here.
He went through rehab to kick start his sobriety and will occasionally go to AA meetings when things are at their worst.
I will check out the other forum, thank you. This is all so new to me.
Iamhere said
Feb 21, 2017
magicmaker - welcome to MIP! So glad you found us and glad that you shared. I am a double-winner, meaning sober in AA and serene in Al-Anon....that's how I define/separate it out for me....
In early AA, it is recommended to avoid any new romantic relationships for at least one year. This is suggested for many reasons - the most important is we are asked to place our recovery, sobriety, program ABOVE everything else, as this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful, progressive and deadly.
So - it's very possible he is interested in you but also pulled to follow the suggestions in the program. I am certain this was also suggested at his rehab.
AA is for the drinker, Al-Anon is for the family/friends of the drinker. You are welcome in Al-Anon no matter if he is/is not active in AA. We learn more about the disease and the diseased as well as how we are affected. For most of us, our thinking becomes distorted and we develop unhealthy coping mechanisms. It's a great way to find support from others who are in similar situations.
Open AA meetings (everyone is invited to attend) also can give you insight into "What it was like", "What Happened", and What It's Like Now"....those are the 3 concepts folks typically consider when they speak from the podium. It's a great way to hear about the devastating affects of the disease as well as the miracle of recovery.
There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!!
magicmaker said
Feb 21, 2017
I appreciate the information here, and I will check out the open meetings. How do they work? I imagine one person sharing a story, but not really a place to ask questions??
I'm wondering what the best way to support this person is. I love him, but I respect that he needs to focus on himself right now.
Do I walk away, to keep it easy for him? He says he doesn't want that, but he goes through cycles where he pushes me away and I feel rejected.
Or do I remain a friend, a support system for him? If so, I don't know how, nor does he know how I can support him (I've asked).
shrnp said
Feb 21, 2017
magicmaker,
Meetings have a chairperson, and at the beginning of a meeting that person outlines what happens during the meeting and decides what topics will be discussed ect.
Jerry F said
Feb 21, 2017
Aloha Magicmaker and welcome to the board...this is the place to ask questions because we are not confined to the protocols of the meetings. We are many who have attended Al-Anon for a long time and have learned and keep learning about serenity (our sobriety) in order to maintain our sanity which was in dire straits when we were where you are at now with your alcoholic. This disease is a 4 fold disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions both for the alcoholic and anyone affected by an alcoholic or addict. We become as sick or sicker as they are without the addiction or obsession of alcohol.
Natural or normal is not the same thing to the alcoholic as it is to the non-alcoholic. Normal to my alcoholic/addict was high, drunk, lying, cheating, stealing, insanity. Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical and it doesn't do that just for the time that they hold the glass in between sips. They get altered progressively and that means it get worse over time never better. When they are not drinking they are living with the consequences of the drinking which is insanity.
I am also a recovering alcoholic in a "half life" condition which means as my sponsor taught me that I have now as much time sober as I did drinking...38 years. I still have character defects which were developed during the time I was trying to live as a normal person using an alcoholic character and personality. It isn't as bad as it used to be and I am grateful my current wife is in the program of Al-Anon so we can be mutually supportive most normally.
Keep coming back here as often as you can and find the face to face meetings that have been suggested. ((((Hugs))))
Hello,
I am new to this board and I'm hoping to gain a better understanding of a man that I have met in a romantic capacity.
We met 6 months ago and at that time he was about 4 months into sobriety.
Fast forward to now and he is 9 months sober and I'm trying to understand his emotions, which have been all over the place since we met.
Has anyone here had experience with this? Meeting or supporting someone through recovery?
Since our history is short, I don't have a grasp of who he really is and I feel like he is just starting to discover who he really is, too.
We've expressed love, but anytime things get a little deeper, he pulls back. And what felt like a relationship starting to form was recently shut down when he said he was not ready to be in one. Yet, some weeks he acts like all he wants is to be with me, and other weeks he retreats into himself and I barely hear from him.
Is this normal behavior for someone going through recovery?
Hello Magicmaker and Welcome. Please search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. Alanon will provide new healthy constructive tools to live by. Meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages. You are not alone.
You did not mention if your friend was in a recovery program. Recovery programs for alcoholics like AA tell people new to sobriety to not form any serious emotional relationships. I cannot say that is what is going on but that might make him hesitant. Some people are very new to sobriety and are learning to live their lives all over again. It can be very painful to be in a relationship and not understand but Alanon can be very helpful. Other members have gone through some of the same things you are going through. They have online meetings here.
www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
Thank you!
He went through rehab to kick start his sobriety and will occasionally go to AA meetings when things are at their worst.
I will check out the other forum, thank you. This is all so new to me.
In early AA, it is recommended to avoid any new romantic relationships for at least one year. This is suggested for many reasons - the most important is we are asked to place our recovery, sobriety, program ABOVE everything else, as this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful, progressive and deadly.
So - it's very possible he is interested in you but also pulled to follow the suggestions in the program. I am certain this was also suggested at his rehab.
AA is for the drinker, Al-Anon is for the family/friends of the drinker. You are welcome in Al-Anon no matter if he is/is not active in AA. We learn more about the disease and the diseased as well as how we are affected. For most of us, our thinking becomes distorted and we develop unhealthy coping mechanisms. It's a great way to find support from others who are in similar situations.
Open AA meetings (everyone is invited to attend) also can give you insight into "What it was like", "What Happened", and What It's Like Now"....those are the 3 concepts folks typically consider when they speak from the podium. It's a great way to hear about the devastating affects of the disease as well as the miracle of recovery.
There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!!
I'm wondering what the best way to support this person is. I love him, but I respect that he needs to focus on himself right now.
Do I walk away, to keep it easy for him? He says he doesn't want that, but he goes through cycles where he pushes me away and I feel rejected.
Or do I remain a friend, a support system for him? If so, I don't know how, nor does he know how I can support him (I've asked).
Meetings have a chairperson, and at the beginning of a meeting that person outlines what happens during the meeting and decides what topics will be discussed ect.
Aloha Magicmaker and welcome to the board...this is the place to ask questions because we are not confined to the protocols of the meetings. We are many who have attended Al-Anon for a long time and have learned and keep learning about serenity (our sobriety) in order to maintain our sanity which was in dire straits when we were where you are at now with your alcoholic. This disease is a 4 fold disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions both for the alcoholic and anyone affected by an alcoholic or addict. We become as sick or sicker as they are without the addiction or obsession of alcohol.
Natural or normal is not the same thing to the alcoholic as it is to the non-alcoholic. Normal to my alcoholic/addict was high, drunk, lying, cheating, stealing, insanity. Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical and it doesn't do that just for the time that they hold the glass in between sips. They get altered progressively and that means it get worse over time never better. When they are not drinking they are living with the consequences of the drinking which is insanity.
I am also a recovering alcoholic in a "half life" condition which means as my sponsor taught me that I have now as much time sober as I did drinking...38 years. I still have character defects which were developed during the time I was trying to live as a normal person using an alcoholic character and personality. It isn't as bad as it used to be and I am grateful my current wife is in the program of Al-Anon so we can be mutually supportive most normally.
Keep coming back here as often as you can and find the face to face meetings that have been suggested. ((((Hugs))))