Its been a year. A whole year! Sunday I had such a deep depression that it has been a whole year and I am dealing with the same stuff. Why?
This program isn't about dealing with my RAH, its about me! It's about my facing my fears, my obsession with "controlling" everything around me because I am terrified that if I let someone else do it my fantasies will not come to fruition! Its about me! It's about my sickness my all consuming focus on the alcoholic in my life that I neglected myself. It's my anger at myself that I was in denial. It's about my anger towards everyone and everything because I made myself sick!
Step one---my life has become unmanageable because I am powerless over alcohol. I cannot change what living with alcoholism has done to me, but I can change me!
One powerful book-How Ala-non Works----
Starting over and diving in!
hotrod said
Feb 21, 2017
Hello Suzann Program is indeed about us. The tools helped me to have the courage to look within (instead of blaming my unhappiness on others outside myself )and see just what I was doing to hurt myself.
How alanon works is a powerfully informative book and I am glad you found it. I love the alanon statement that reminds me:" That if I am confused and feel lost in a forest, there at only 12 Steps that can take me out to freedom. The Steps are the key. Keep coming back.
Fooled said
Feb 21, 2017
I will have to remember that Betty-the statement about the 12 steps. Thank you.
It was so easy to do step one before-yeah my life has become unmanageable because of alcohol --look what I am living with.....Now it's look what I have become.
Life changing!
hotrod said
Feb 21, 2017
Keep coming back Suzann. Progress not perfection is the goal
Iamhere said
Feb 21, 2017
(((Suzann))) - I can't believe it's been a year already for you - give yourself a huge pat on the back for being willing!!! Willing to 'see' the disease for what it is, willing to see how it has affected you, your thoughts, feelings, etc. Willing to find the courage to read, study, work the steps, etc. You've done just fine and dandy - I am a firm believer that slow and steady win the race in life....always.
I am one of 'those people' that when I pick up any of the literature and begin to read, I always wonder how the book was edited to say what I need in the moment. I swear there are new things each time I lean back into the literature. What my sponsor lovingly always says, "More is being revealed, and you are ready for it - thus you are seeing/hearing it now when you did not or could not before." So, so true! Your post reminded me of the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance and Action - you're doing it.....you're in active recovery and it's 'all good'...
(((Hugs)))
Fooled said
Feb 24, 2017
Yes IAH Happy one year to me. I've come a long way baby! Where I used to dread not only facing another day but reading and writing ugh now I cant wait to see what C2C says! I even bought an ODAT just to compare. LOL It's getting better all the time.
I even had a conversation with my mother recently. A real conversation. Just like you said I would. We were actually talking about my assets list because I told her I had to abandon step 4 for now. She asked me what was so hard about finding my assets, because "you were always willing to find the answers you needed" So my response ever so loving was I know mom, I just finally found the right place to look.
One day at a time.
Jerry F said
Feb 24, 2017
Go easy on yourself sister. You know from watching others that If and when you remain dedicated to your recovery there is only one consequence you will have...recovery? Celebrate your wins also. I was told that the first year was the toughest and found that to be true. Practice, practice, practice. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Feb 25, 2017
Good on you girl - and Jerry's post is spot on. I can be and have been most of my life - my own worst critic. Truly in recovery have I accepted I am human with flaws, warts, etc. and that it's OK! I am love by my higher power as an imperfect person and he knows all that I am - the good, the bad and the former ugly, current in process. (((Hugs))) to all!
Its been a year. A whole year! Sunday I had such a deep depression that it has been a whole year and I am dealing with the same stuff. Why?
This program isn't about dealing with my RAH, its about me! It's about my facing my fears, my obsession with "controlling" everything around me because I am terrified that if I let someone else do it my fantasies will not come to fruition! Its about me! It's about my sickness my all consuming focus on the alcoholic in my life that I neglected myself. It's my anger at myself that I was in denial. It's about my anger towards everyone and everything because I made myself sick!
Step one---my life has become unmanageable because I am powerless over alcohol. I cannot change what living with alcoholism has done to me, but I can change me!
One powerful book-How Ala-non Works----
Starting over and diving in!
How alanon works is a powerfully informative book and I am glad you found it. I love the alanon statement that reminds me:" That if I am confused and feel lost in a forest, there at only 12 Steps that can take me out to freedom. The Steps are the key. Keep coming back.
It was so easy to do step one before-yeah my life has become unmanageable because of alcohol --look what I am living with.....Now it's look what I have become.
Life changing!
I am one of 'those people' that when I pick up any of the literature and begin to read, I always wonder how the book was edited to say what I need in the moment. I swear there are new things each time I lean back into the literature. What my sponsor lovingly always says, "More is being revealed, and you are ready for it - thus you are seeing/hearing it now when you did not or could not before." So, so true! Your post reminded me of the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance and Action - you're doing it.....you're in active recovery and it's 'all good'...
(((Hugs)))
I even had a conversation with my mother recently. A real conversation. Just like you said I would. We were actually talking about my assets list because I told her I had to abandon step 4 for now. She asked me what was so hard about finding my assets, because "you were always willing to find the answers you needed" So my response ever so loving was I know mom, I just finally found the right place to look.
One day at a time.
Go easy on yourself sister. You know from watching others that If and when you remain dedicated to your recovery there is only one consequence you will have...recovery? Celebrate your wins also. I was told that the first year was the toughest and found that to be true. Practice, practice, practice. ((((hugs))))