So my AH has not been drinking for about a month (on his own) and staying home more, making dinner for the family, etc. He is upset with me now because I am not showing him the affection that he needs. He says that I don't initiate a hug, kissing him or sex. All above are actually true. I told him that I am keeping my guard up because I don't know when or if I will be hurt again by him and his bad habits. He tells me that he is changing so I need to change too. He made a comment to me this morning that it's like we are roommates and I he is helping me raise a kid (our 3 year old). I told him again this morning that I have made the comment to him a few times before that I have felt like a single mom with a dual income for a long time. The hurt and pain that he has caused me over the years (even before our son) is there, the resentment is there and I don't know how to get over them or forgive him. He says that I need to get past these issues if our marriage is going to work. He tells me he loves me and he doesn't want our marriage to end. I do love him since we have been together for almost 15 years and have a child together, but I am afraid that I have fallen out of love with him.
RL17 said
Feb 15, 2017
((hugs)) I'm new here, so I'm interested in hearing the responses also, as I can relate to you. My AH isn't home yet from treatment, but I am worried about exactly what you have written about (although, we have no children together, and his are grown).
Are you able to take a weekend away, or a week, and be able to work on falling back in love? One thing I have learned so far from Al Anon, is that I need to try and let go of my stressing about if/when he will drink again. And a major part of moving forward is to forgive and try to not go back and bring up the past. I'm finding my Al Anon family already is helping so much with being able to do just that. I've found already, just from reading through posts on here and the one meeting that I have been able to attend, that it has helped me. I look forward to more meetings, and attending some open AA meetings with my husband to learn more and develop better habits.
hotrod said
Feb 15, 2017
Alanon suggests making no major life changes until you are practicing program for at least 6 months to a year. The reason for this is that many who have lived with this disease and attempted ot cope with the insanity have developed negative coping tools in order to survive the insanity. Alanon helps us to let go of these destructive tools and develop new healthy responses to life.
The Steps, slogans meetings ar all geared to helping us discard negative survival tools so we can learn to let go of the past and to thrive in the present.
Meetings and the Steps helped me to learn from the painful past and learn to love once again
Keep coming back
Iamhere said
Feb 15, 2017
I am with Betty - it is in the program that I found the best answers for me/my marriage.....what I do know is that if I am living in the past or projecting into the future, I am not enjoying that which is most important - the here and now.
I had to restore some sanity before I could see what my motives were for my habits - good and bad. I did many things out of self-protection, yet I also saw that some were punishing or retaliatory in nature. My sanity, boundaries, motives and my higher power got me through the pain caused by the disease and helped me with healthy boundaries, responses, etc.
I am one who held tight to meetings, ESH of others and the literature and practiced all that was shared. I was beyond wanting serenity and peace - I truly needed it.
There is no shame in admitting your truth to another person - Al-Anon just suggests we say what we mean, mean what we say and not say it mean. Fear was a huge issue for me often keeping me from success in recovery. It was one of many different feelings I had to understand better to progress in healing.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!!
Jazzie18 said
Feb 15, 2017
Kzoom,
I will say that it took me a long time to start to chip away at my wall and to get over my anger and resentment to my RAH. I thought that it would all great once he stopped drinking but that wasn't the case. I really had a wall up and it took a good 6 months of working the program to start to forgive him. I too thought I may have fallen out of love with him but it was really my anger and resentment that was overpowering my love for him. I will say that our marriage (though not perfect by any stretch of the imagination) is stronger now than it has been for years.
I do like what RL had to say about getting some one on one time with you husband. I have two small kids too and this was pretty important for us to do as your main focus when at home tends to be your kids. We have found time to get a few weekends away a few times last year. Even just some date nights would be great to see if you can rekindle the connection.
Most of all, be patient with yourself. He has only been sober for one month and you and he can't expect everything to be perfect right away. Sending positive thoughts.
kzoomom79 said
Feb 15, 2017
Thank you for all of your advice. I really appreciate it!
He is the one pushing that we need to show affection. I have told him that my wall is up for my protection and he doesn't like that. He told me today that if I can't bring that wall down then our marriage can't be saved. We might as well end it if we can't show affection. Now in him mind affection is sex. He is the type of person that needs to be "rewarded" for good behavior. (He has made that comment to me before.)
Some back story, he drank for many many years. I asked him to stop, I asked him to stay home more with the family, I asked him to start dinner a few nights a week before we go home from work/daycare and he didn't. Not until he realized that I was so frustrated with his drinking and activities that I was about to walk out with our son. Now all of a sudden he is home, not drinking and making dinner. How can I trust that these are things he wants to do and not things he is doing for the time being or because I asked him to.
milkwood said
Feb 16, 2017
Hello Kzoomom,
(((((Hugs))))) . I can relate to this problem very easily indeed!
Your husband may be speaking his truth, but does it help a lady to feel drawn to a man when he is making threats to break the relationship if she doesn't put out? It certainly never helped me when I tried the same trick on my husband - ie 'if you don't stop drinking I will leave... ' I think that kind of talk just makes us less flexible and less accommodating. It certainly does not help us to feel secure or safe.
If someone needs to be rewarded for good behaviour, my first instinct is to buy some 'good boy' chocolate drops - but that probably isn't advisable!
What would you see as good behaviour now? He is, for today, doing the things that you asked but you still feel unsafe? Is there anything that he can do to help you feel more secure? And what do you need to do for yourself?
I found that when my husband stopped drinking my feelings started to return - all of them. That meant that I felt fear, insecurity, anger, self-pity etc as well as flashes of joy and happiness etc. It is amazing how vigilant the disease made me, and it took me a while to stop looking around for danger like a meerkat!
When my husband was drinking I masked all of my feelings because there was a crisis to deal with (most days anyway!). When the crisis went away I had to learn how to deal with those feelings myself. Giving me the space and time to do that is the gift I needed from my husband. But I had to do the work myself and that has included meetings, this board, taking up new hobbies, exercise, good hair cuts etc. When I feel good about myself then I'm more likely to be loving to others.
Iamhere said
Feb 16, 2017
We never can know what is in the heart of another person. We have to be true to ourselves, and hope that the actions are aligning with the journey. I am one who practices forgiveness often/always for me - not them. I sleep better each night that I can go to bed asking my HP to bless all those who are a part of my journey and to relieve me of my own defenses, resentments and insecurities.
I don't respond well to idle threats, and neither do my qualifiers. I just have to look at each situation, pray about it, talk about it and then make the best choice I can for me at that time. I am not responsible for how other react or respond to my choices. I do strive to be true to me, yet not be selfish with my heart.....I was very closed off for a very long time and the damage was more to myself than to others.
Trust your heart, program and HP - the answers will come!! (((Hugs)))
Curlyblu said
Feb 23, 2017
kzoomom79 wrote:
So my AH has not been drinking for about a month (on his own) and staying home more, making dinner for the family, etc. He is upset with me now because I am not showing him the affection that he needs. He says that I don't initiate a hug, kissing him or sex. All above are actually true. I told him that I am keeping my guard up because I don't know when or if I will be hurt again by him and his bad habits. He tells me that he is changing so I need to change too. He made a comment to me this morning that it's like we are roommates and I he is helping me raise a kid (our 3 year old). I told him again this morning that I have made the comment to him a few times before that I have felt like a single mom with a dual income for a long time. The hurt and pain that he has caused me over the years (even before our son) is there, the resentment is there and I don't know how to get over them or forgive him. He says that I need to get past these issues if our marriage is going to work. He tells me he loves me and he doesn't want our marriage to end. I do love him since we have been together for almost 15 years and have a child together, but I am afraid that I have fallen out of love with him.
Thank-you for this share. I too have heard these words. When my AH is drinking/drunk anger/resentment sets in because I can not show any signs of affection. So surely there must be someone else in my life! When he is drinking I'm grossed out by anything he figures is affections. We are/were very loving people, hold hands in public, kisses in public....that was when things were good. So yes I can "understand" how he would view my actions as cold.
I too wondered if I was falling out of love. I quickly realised that as much as I loved him, I sure did not like him in those moments. That was okay for me. Without knowing it that's when I began to heal from the hurt of not fully loving him as I "should".
Thanks again for this share, this group has really opened my eyes to complexity of living with someone with this
2accept said
Feb 23, 2017
Hi Kzoomom. Welcome to the world of Alanon recovery. What popped out at me in your post was: "he's been sober about a month...doing it on his own." I've never met an alcoholic who, on his/her own will-power, was able get sober & stay sober for any length of time. Without getting into recovery, such as in the form of Alcoholics Anonymous, and/or long-term in-patient treatment, sobriety is precarious at best. Many active alcoholics believe that their will-power is strong enough to overcome the disease of alcoholism...not true. My experience has shown me that this approach of "will-power only" is a recipe for disaster. A sick mind can't fix a sick mind. Recovery from active alcoholism can't be "fixed" with "self-help" but "God-help" (12 Steps of AA.) You can tell an alcoholic by his behaviors, but you can't tell him much. This is his journey, he may have to continue down this deadend path for a while, until his multiply attempts at "self-help" dryness fail. At least he may learn what doesn't work and be willingly to get into AA recovery for himself, get his own sponsor, and work his 12 Steps with that sponsor. Lots and lots of prayer for him. Discussing this with him is not necessary, because the pain of his progressively disease, called alcoholism, may/will convince him he really needs help from AA & the professional community. He has a Higher Power looking after him, too, just like you have. However, you may not recognize that fact, yet. After a while in Alanon, you may come to know your own HP on a personal level. Very comforting. Next subject you wrote about: "the clawing to have sex with you... orgasm is a mood and mind altering substance. He truly may not be drinking, yet, however, the level of misery and the drive to not feel any emotions, which was the effective of drunkenness, can be played out by threatening the enabler for a sexual "fix". Threats to force someone to have sex through manipulation is not about love, but self-centered addiction. If he had chosen AA, he might have a sponsor who could guide him through the early stages of major withdrawal from alcohol without sabotaging his relationships and his early sobriety. My Alanon sponsor has already minded me, often:
"To thy own self, be true." If having sex with your husband doesn't feel emotionally right for you today...be true to yourself. I've had experiences very similar to yours. I chose to put the "sexual" on-hold to have time to work with my sponsor, using the 12 Steps around this very issue. I literally took sexual abstinence, one day at a time. It was one of the best choices I made for my personal healing. My husband and I after a period of time, began to reincorporate affection into our relationship... this meant, no sex, whatsoever. Affection does not include sex. Affection is affection, and sex is sex...no blurred boundaries on that. As a woman, I have a strong need for affection. My husband had to learn how to be affectionate with me without sex. I had to learn to trust him, again...that wasn't easy. Forgiveness wasn't easy, either. A book that saved my relationship in this intimate arena was: "His Needs, Her Needs" by William Harley. (This is not conference approved Alanon literature) but it is God-Inspired literature.
Blessings to you and your family.
jitsuka said
Feb 23, 2017
2accept wrote:
Hi Kzoomom. Welcome to the world of Alanon recovery. What popped out at me in your post was: "he's been sober about a month...doing it on his own." I've never met an alcoholic who, on his/her own will-power, was able get sober & stay sober for any length of time. Without getting into recovery, such as in the form of Alcoholics Anonymous, and/or long-term in-patient treatment, sobriety is precarious at best. Many active alcoholics believe that their will-power is strong enough to overcome the disease of alcoholism...not true. My experience has shown me that this approach of "will-power only" is a recipe for disaster. A sick mind can't fix a sick mind. Recovery from active alcoholism can't be "fixed" with "self-help" but "God-help" (12 Steps of AA.) You can tell an alcoholic by his behaviors, but you can't tell him much. This is his journey, he may have to continue down this deadend path for a while, until his multiply attempts at "self-help" dryness fail. At least he may learn what doesn't work and be willingly to get into AA recovery for himself, get his own sponsor, and work his 12 Steps with that sponsor. Lots and lots of prayer for him. Discussing this with him is not necessary, because the pain of his progressively disease, called alcoholism, may/will convince him he really needs help from AA & the professional community. He has a Higher Power looking after him, too, just like you have. However, you may not recognize that fact, yet. After a while in Alanon, you may come to know your own HP on a personal level. Very comforting. Next subject you wrote about: "the clawing to have sex with you... orgasm is a mood and mind altering substance. He truly may not be drinking, yet, however, the level of misery and the drive to not feel any emotions, which was the effective of drunkenness, can be played out by threatening the enabler for a sexual "fix". Threats to force someone to have sex through manipulation is not about love, but self-centered addiction. If he had chosen AA, he might have a sponsor who could guide him through the early stages of major withdrawal from alcohol without sabotaging his relationships and his early sobriety. My Alanon sponsor has already minded me, often: "To thy own self, be true." If having sex with your husband doesn't feel emotionally right for you today...be true to yourself. I've had experiences very similar to yours. I chose to put the "sexual" on-hold to have time to work with my sponsor, using the 12 Steps around this very issue. I literally took sexual abstinence, one day at a time. It was one of the best choices I made for my personal healing. My husband and I after a period of time, began to reincorporate affection into our relationship... this meant, no sex, whatsoever. Affection does not include sex. Affection is affection, and sex is sex...no blurred boundaries on that. As a woman, I have a strong need for affection. My husband had to learn how to be affectionate with me without sex. I had to learn to trust him, again...that wasn't easy. Forgiveness wasn't easy, either. A book that saved my relationship in this intimate arena was: "His Needs, Her Needs" by William Harley. (This is not conference approved Alanon literature) but it is God-Inspired literature. Blessings to you and your family.
Wow. That's a really good post. Completely spot on.
kzoomom79 - hope you're OK. I know where you are coming from and can identify. The post above says it all to me too.
My partner has, I think, been sober 2 or 3 times in the last 5-8 years. The longest was christmas just gone and managed 1 week, which is a miracle in itself. She tried willpower and was ultimately doomed to failure. Reading 2accept's post above really made sense to me. My partner doesn't go to AA meetings, or seem to seek help from anywhere. I too don't have any affection for her.
dawn15 said
Feb 24, 2017
I am new here and I am in the same boat.
I've been married to my husband since July '88. We have 6 children. He has been emotionally, verbally and sexually abusive throughout our whole relationship. He has not been faithful. He has blamed me. He has stopped drinking many times but he has now been truly sober (from alcohol) since December 2015 so things are so much better. Unfortunately he still holds onto the fact that "he didn't mean to do those things," "my feelings are wrong," "that's not why he did those things," "that's not what he did or was thinking," "that's not who he is," and so on. He says I was the one who was emotionally abusive towards him.
He has had many addictions... alcohol, prescription drugs, sex, porn, gambling, spending, work, politics, etc... He has a very high IQ and is very charming. He could be amazing. He struggles with depression (and blames me for his depression).
Trusting him is hard. Not being afraid of him is hard. Being intimate is hard. I've been seeing a therapist because I have PTSD from his abuse. I want to heal. He continues to read books on how to be the alpha male, The Rational Male, and so on... and seems to say I betrayed him by not having sex with him (because he was drunk and abusive!). He masturbates daily and has since we got married. If he asks now I will for him. I still have to close my eyes. He is "hurt" that I don't initiate or want to have sex and he has to ask. I am working hard on not being afraid.
I fear I will never be able to trust him or not fear him. I fear I will never stop resenting him for all he has done to me. I am hoping I can.
-- Edited by dawn15 on Friday 24th of February 2017 04:39:51 PM
Iamhere said
Feb 25, 2017
dawn15 - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. You might benefit from Al-Anon as the disease affects not only the drinker but those who love or live with one. Al-Anon is for friends and family who've been affected by the disease in another, and all are welcome whether the drinker is active in recovery or not.
I'm so sorry for what you've endured - working the program and steps + trying to stay focused on the present has helped me with better managing my own fears. Please keep coming back - know that you are not alone!
pinkchip said
Feb 25, 2017
Echo 2accept. Only a dry drunk with just 1 month of white knuckle sobriety would be self-centered enough to demand immediate forgiveness for YEARS of pain they caused and also gaslight you into thinking you are at fault for being wary of his relapse when that is the pattern he has shown you over and over. Alanon is about detachment largely. His demands are not rational as you know. Probably it isn't worth you getting that upset over his this because this is pretty typical for a dry drunk with no program and only 30 days. For you...don't expect him to grow insightful and sensitive out of nowhere. Speak your own truth and leave his sobriety and amends up to him. If his sobriety is contingent upon you lavishing him with affection, it wont last anyhow.
2accept said
Feb 27, 2017
Good morning all. Life with the alcoholic is not easy. Yes, generally they're pretty charming when they want something. However, a healthy "give and take" in the relationship doesn't happen right away, especially in new sobriety with the drunk's AA program, AA sponsor, and AA 12Steps, onboard. A lifetime of selfishness and self-centeredness doesn't vanish overnight. Burned bridges, blown-up relationships, shattered trust, lying deceptions, and abusive wounds, tend to heal slowly when both people diligently are working and learning how to live the 12Step recovery program. However, this doesn't mean that you can't heal even if your loved one chooses no recovery for themselves. We heal in Alanon, whether the alcoholic chooses recovery or not. Furthermore, nothing the alcoholic chooses to do while acting out in his/her disease is our fault. We learn that we didn't cause it, can't control it, and definitely will never be able to cure it. That's like the drunk being diagnosed with cancer and refusing to take the chemo, then the enabler jumps in to rescue the drunk by taking the chemo for them... insanely, unhelpful. We keep the focus on ourselves, not on the alcoholic. Very tough at first, because we've been so accustomed to babying & coddling them like helpless children for years. Children, they are not... insane adults, most definitely. Their craziness will begin to make us feel very crazy, ourselves. A great reason to join Alanon, get a sponsor, and work the 12Steps, asap, is to save our own sanity - a tangible gift from the Alanon program. Now about being blamed by the drunk for everything: blaming others means never having to be responsible or accountable to one's own behaviors. When a drunk joins AA, gets their own sponsor, and begins working the 12Steps of AA with that sponsor, they begin to learn how to holster the "blame-thrower!" When they point a finger at the enabler, there are three fingers pointing back at the drunk. We of Alanon, working our 12Steps with our own sponsor, on a daily basis, begin to realize that we, too, have received a miraculous gift, the gift of a bulletproof spiritual vest that protects us from the "blame-throwers" hot and flaming darts. The "flaming darts" shot at us from the drunk, just bounce off. Often times, the "flaming darts" ricochet off us and hit the drunk right in the...!! Also know as a "Rude Awakening" of the "Miraculous Kind" for the out-of-control drunk. God does for us what we can't do for ourselves! Next is the reality of a drunk having more addictions than just alcoholism. Very common place to observe and unfortunately be the recipient of the pain of the lashing from other addictions. The alcoholic often carries into the relationship more than alcoholism, such as: sex addiction, gambling, food addiction, workaholism, drugs, hoarding, internet addiction, tv addiction, sports addiction, etc., etc., etc. Anything that can numb the emotional pain, severe internal loneliness, and spiritual bankruptcy. None of which we caused. The drunk came prepackaged with these ailments in them before we met them. There is hope and healing for all, in 12Step programs, such as -
*Sexaholics Anonymous (sa.org) for the sex addict.
*Sanon (sanon.org.) for the family members and friends of the sex addict. Similar to Alanon - for the loved one, family members, and friends of the sex addicted.
*Gamblers Anonymous (ga.org) .
*Overeaters Anonymous (oa.org)
All addictions seem to have an associated 12Step program for getting help for that addiction. Google the addiction for more info or contact AA.org for the list of all 12Step programs using AA's original 12- steps.
KT2015 said
Feb 27, 2017
I can relate to your post. I've been through this up and down with my AH too. What has helped is time in recovery for me. Going to meetings, learning the program, working the steps, developing a support network for myself and keeping the focus on myself. My AH can be demanding about "affection" at times and sees it as a reward for good behaviour too. I have learned to detach from these demands and threats and evaluate what I want. What helped me with this was learning to trust my own feelings and make decisions based on what I want. I no longer give affection as a reward nor do I withhold it as a punishment. I go with how I'm feeling and I am true to myself and the rest in my life just follows. It was a rough go for a while when I first started this because I didn't feel very loving towards my AH at first but eventually we both changed. He hasn't quit drinking but he treats me a lot better and I treat him a lot better too. And it always works for me to be true to my feelings, even if my AH is disappointed. The great news is that feelings can change and my feelings have changed a lot since I first started Al Anon.
Giving myself time and focusing on my wellbeing made the biggest difference for me. When I take care of myself I'm a better wife, mother, daughter, friend. Wishing you all the best.
kzoomom79 said
Mar 3, 2017
Well, he is in a bad mood again today. He asked to have sex last night and I told him I didn't want to.
This morning when he told me he was in a bad mood, I didn't ask why (partly because I didn't care and I knew why). I just said OK, well I hope you have a good day at work. Why does he try to make me feel guilty about not having sex with him. The desire is not there right now and I have to figure out if the desire will ever come back.
SerenityRUS said
Mar 3, 2017
I recommend some alanon lit that is called Dilemma of an Alcoholic Marriage it might shed some light on what's going on with you. You have received such great ESH regarding this issue. Read the book with a grain of salt .. it's coming from a 1950's stand point .. LOL .. there are some very good and wise words in it that applies to all relationships specifically intimate ones.
It is very hard to ignite good feelings with someone when they have made so many missteps. I hope that you are able to find yourself in all of this without buying into what he's selling.
The guilt is easy he wants what he wants .. it's diseased thinking I will get what I want when I want it because it's what I want regardless of how it makes others feel.
By the end of my marriage I felt like a sex doll and that's how I was used .. it did nothing for my self esteem or how I felt about him .. I think it was a reflection of my desperation to make everything ok and it just wasn't ok. So it is ok to say no and mean no .. it is also ok to get help for yourself and heal .. sometimes the A gets sober and what changes is the sig other they decide they need something more and that's what happened to me.
So my AH has not been drinking for about a month (on his own) and staying home more, making dinner for the family, etc. He is upset with me now because I am not showing him the affection that he needs. He says that I don't initiate a hug, kissing him or sex. All above are actually true. I told him that I am keeping my guard up because I don't know when or if I will be hurt again by him and his bad habits. He tells me that he is changing so I need to change too. He made a comment to me this morning that it's like we are roommates and I he is helping me raise a kid (our 3 year old). I told him again this morning that I have made the comment to him a few times before that I have felt like a single mom with a dual income for a long time. The hurt and pain that he has caused me over the years (even before our son) is there, the resentment is there and I don't know how to get over them or forgive him. He says that I need to get past these issues if our marriage is going to work. He tells me he loves me and he doesn't want our marriage to end. I do love him since we have been together for almost 15 years and have a child together, but I am afraid that I have fallen out of love with him.
Are you able to take a weekend away, or a week, and be able to work on falling back in love? One thing I have learned so far from Al Anon, is that I need to try and let go of my stressing about if/when he will drink again. And a major part of moving forward is to forgive and try to not go back and bring up the past. I'm finding my Al Anon family already is helping so much with being able to do just that. I've found already, just from reading through posts on here and the one meeting that I have been able to attend, that it has helped me. I look forward to more meetings, and attending some open AA meetings with my husband to learn more and develop better habits.
Alanon suggests making no major life changes until you are practicing program for at least 6 months to a year. The reason for this is that many who have lived with this disease and attempted ot cope with the insanity have developed negative coping tools in order to survive the insanity. Alanon helps us to let go of these destructive tools and develop new healthy responses to life.
The Steps, slogans meetings ar all geared to helping us discard negative survival tools so we can learn to let go of the past and to thrive in the present.
Meetings and the Steps helped me to learn from the painful past and learn to love once again
Keep coming back
I had to restore some sanity before I could see what my motives were for my habits - good and bad. I did many things out of self-protection, yet I also saw that some were punishing or retaliatory in nature. My sanity, boundaries, motives and my higher power got me through the pain caused by the disease and helped me with healthy boundaries, responses, etc.
I am one who held tight to meetings, ESH of others and the literature and practiced all that was shared. I was beyond wanting serenity and peace - I truly needed it.
There is no shame in admitting your truth to another person - Al-Anon just suggests we say what we mean, mean what we say and not say it mean. Fear was a huge issue for me often keeping me from success in recovery. It was one of many different feelings I had to understand better to progress in healing.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!!
I will say that it took me a long time to start to chip away at my wall and to get over my anger and resentment to my RAH. I thought that it would all great once he stopped drinking but that wasn't the case. I really had a wall up and it took a good 6 months of working the program to start to forgive him. I too thought I may have fallen out of love with him but it was really my anger and resentment that was overpowering my love for him. I will say that our marriage (though not perfect by any stretch of the imagination) is stronger now than it has been for years.
I do like what RL had to say about getting some one on one time with you husband. I have two small kids too and this was pretty important for us to do as your main focus when at home tends to be your kids. We have found time to get a few weekends away a few times last year. Even just some date nights would be great to see if you can rekindle the connection.
Most of all, be patient with yourself. He has only been sober for one month and you and he can't expect everything to be perfect right away. Sending positive thoughts.
He is the one pushing that we need to show affection. I have told him that my wall is up for my protection and he doesn't like that. He told me today that if I can't bring that wall down then our marriage can't be saved. We might as well end it if we can't show affection. Now in him mind affection is sex. He is the type of person that needs to be "rewarded" for good behavior. (He has made that comment to me before.)
Some back story, he drank for many many years. I asked him to stop, I asked him to stay home more with the family, I asked him to start dinner a few nights a week before we go home from work/daycare and he didn't. Not until he realized that I was so frustrated with his drinking and activities that I was about to walk out with our son. Now all of a sudden he is home, not drinking and making dinner. How can I trust that these are things he wants to do and not things he is doing for the time being or because I asked him to.
(((((Hugs))))) . I can relate to this problem very easily indeed!
Your husband may be speaking his truth, but does it help a lady to feel drawn to a man when he is making threats to break the relationship if she doesn't put out? It certainly never helped me when I tried the same trick on my husband - ie 'if you don't stop drinking I will leave... ' I think that kind of talk just makes us less flexible and less accommodating. It certainly does not help us to feel secure or safe.
If someone needs to be rewarded for good behaviour, my first instinct is to buy some 'good boy' chocolate drops - but that probably isn't advisable!
What would you see as good behaviour now? He is, for today, doing the things that you asked but you still feel unsafe? Is there anything that he can do to help you feel more secure? And what do you need to do for yourself?
I found that when my husband stopped drinking my feelings started to return - all of them. That meant that I felt fear, insecurity, anger, self-pity etc as well as flashes of joy and happiness etc. It is amazing how vigilant the disease made me, and it took me a while to stop looking around for danger like a meerkat!
When my husband was drinking I masked all of my feelings because there was a crisis to deal with (most days anyway!). When the crisis went away I had to learn how to deal with those feelings myself. Giving me the space and time to do that is the gift I needed from my husband. But I had to do the work myself and that has included meetings, this board, taking up new hobbies, exercise, good hair cuts etc. When I feel good about myself then I'm more likely to be loving to others.
I don't respond well to idle threats, and neither do my qualifiers. I just have to look at each situation, pray about it, talk about it and then make the best choice I can for me at that time. I am not responsible for how other react or respond to my choices. I do strive to be true to me, yet not be selfish with my heart.....I was very closed off for a very long time and the damage was more to myself than to others.
Trust your heart, program and HP - the answers will come!! (((Hugs)))
Thank-you for this share. I too have heard these words. When my AH is drinking/drunk anger/resentment sets in because I can not show any signs of affection. So surely there must be someone else in my life! When he is drinking I'm grossed out by anything he figures is affections. We are/were very loving people, hold hands in public, kisses in public....that was when things were good. So yes I can "understand" how he would view my actions as cold.
I too wondered if I was falling out of love. I quickly realised that as much as I loved him, I sure did not like him in those moments. That was okay for me. Without knowing it that's when I began to heal from the hurt of not fully loving him as I "should".
Thanks again for this share, this group has really opened my eyes to complexity of living with someone with this
Wow. That's a really good post. Completely spot on.
kzoomom79 - hope you're OK. I know where you are coming from and can identify. The post above says it all to me too.
My partner has, I think, been sober 2 or 3 times in the last 5-8 years. The longest was christmas just gone and managed 1 week, which is a miracle in itself. She tried willpower and was ultimately doomed to failure. Reading 2accept's post above really made sense to me. My partner doesn't go to AA meetings, or seem to seek help from anywhere. I too don't have any affection for her.
I am new here and I am in the same boat.
I've been married to my husband since July '88. We have 6 children. He has been emotionally, verbally and sexually abusive throughout our whole relationship. He has not been faithful. He has blamed me. He has stopped drinking many times but he has now been truly sober (from alcohol) since December 2015 so things are so much better. Unfortunately he still holds onto the fact that "he didn't mean to do those things," "my feelings are wrong," "that's not why he did those things," "that's not what he did or was thinking," "that's not who he is," and so on. He says I was the one who was emotionally abusive towards him.
He has had many addictions... alcohol, prescription drugs, sex, porn, gambling, spending, work, politics, etc... He has a very high IQ and is very charming. He could be amazing. He struggles with depression (and blames me for his depression).
Trusting him is hard. Not being afraid of him is hard. Being intimate is hard. I've been seeing a therapist because I have PTSD from his abuse. I want to heal. He continues to read books on how to be the alpha male, The Rational Male, and so on... and seems to say I betrayed him by not having sex with him (because he was drunk and abusive!). He masturbates daily and has since we got married. If he asks now I will for him. I still have to close my eyes. He is "hurt" that I don't initiate or want to have sex and he has to ask. I am working hard on not being afraid.
I fear I will never be able to trust him or not fear him. I fear I will never stop resenting him for all he has done to me. I am hoping I can.
-- Edited by dawn15 on Friday 24th of February 2017 04:39:51 PM
I'm so sorry for what you've endured - working the program and steps + trying to stay focused on the present has helped me with better managing my own fears. Please keep coming back - know that you are not alone!
Giving myself time and focusing on my wellbeing made the biggest difference for me. When I take care of myself I'm a better wife, mother, daughter, friend. Wishing you all the best.
This morning when he told me he was in a bad mood, I didn't ask why (partly because I didn't care and I knew why). I just said OK, well I hope you have a good day at work. Why does he try to make me feel guilty about not having sex with him. The desire is not there right now and I have to figure out if the desire will ever come back.
It is very hard to ignite good feelings with someone when they have made so many missteps. I hope that you are able to find yourself in all of this without buying into what he's selling.
The guilt is easy he wants what he wants .. it's diseased thinking I will get what I want when I want it because it's what I want regardless of how it makes others feel.
By the end of my marriage I felt like a sex doll and that's how I was used .. it did nothing for my self esteem or how I felt about him .. I think it was a reflection of my desperation to make everything ok and it just wasn't ok. So it is ok to say no and mean no .. it is also ok to get help for yourself and heal .. sometimes the A gets sober and what changes is the sig other they decide they need something more and that's what happened to me.
Hugs S :)