My husband is away at rehab, and will be coming home in a week. He's doing amazing, and is so positive and determined.
I guess I just need to hear some positive stories from people who have had things work out, and the husband stayed sober, and things got better. So far, I'm terrified from stories I've read.
Can things work out??
hotrod said
Feb 12, 2017
Welcome Rl Yes, people do recover and remain sober after rehab. I suggest that you search ouf alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease that can be arrested but never cured. AA is the recovery program for those who drink and alanon is a recovery program for family members who have lived with the insanity of the disease. In alanon I learned how to keep the focus on myself, break the isolation caused by living with the disease, found tools that helped restore my self esteem as I learned new constructive tools to live by. We have an aa Board here at MIP. You can visit there and see AA recovery in action. Here is the link http://aa.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42735
Please keep coming back. There is hope.
RL17 said
Feb 13, 2017
Thank you! In reading, all I've found are stories where things haven't worked out. Was beginning to believe it was hopeless to have faith that they will be able to change if they want to. I did attend a meeting tonight, and will go to another on Wed.
el-cee said
Feb 13, 2017
So glad your attending meetings to begin your own recovery. I think one purpose of recovery is to help us live our own lives fully so that our happiness, peace, very lives aren't dependant on another human being no matter how close we feel to them. Alanon helps us find happiness whether the alcoholics drinks or not.
Enigmatic said
Feb 13, 2017
Welcome, RL, glad to have you hear and so glad you got to a meeting. Face to face meetings and reading some of AlAnon's publications helped me immensely when I was facing challenges and wrestling with questions about the disease.
AlAnon introduced me to a knew perspective: understanding that I did not cause the disease, could neither control or cure it, and I really had no idea whether the time was right for the drinker to make their recovery hold at a particular time. AlAnon helped me offer loving support to my qualifier (one whose drinking was a cause for my concern) and hold onto a sense of peace regardless of what they did or did not do in their recovery.
This helped me become less dependent on what others did for my sense of peace and serenity, and allowed me to actually be in a better position to offer love and support. I feel for your position and concerns, hang in there, you are not alone. Keep reaching out to AlAnon meetings, read if you can, and remember to take care of you
Doingmybest said
Feb 13, 2017
Yes, my friend, people can change. My RAH just hit 22 months of sobriety yesterday. He did not go off to detox, but rather took over two weeks to "detox" himself at home. It was a very difficult process for him. Prior to this period of sobriety, I have only seen him sober for six months (one time), which he now fully admits was the "worst six months of his life". I had no idea because I was simply thrilled he was not drinking.
This time, he got himself to AA and he works his program HARD. I do, however, believe we would still have split up if I had not started learning to live more within the program of AlAnon. Please do this for yourself. (I have no idea if you attend or not, but I must include this for any readers).
Without Al-Anon, I thought I knew everything about alcoholism (since I grew up in it...imagine that..lol). I was never so wrong in my life. I was angry all of the time. I aggravated him to death by calling and (embarrassingly now) begging for reassurance of his love and devotion. I tried to control everything...and I mean everything! I demanded certain behaviors and I had even gotten to the point of speaking for him at every doctor's appointment....Sad, I know!!! What a horrible way to live.
I cannot say we are perfect every day in every way, but I can say that we're are still married (almost 22 years) and that I never believed he would ever quit drinking. I also never imagined I could have serenity in any way, but I do have serenity...unless I start projecting and/or trying to "read his mind". I have found that I am not gifted in mind reading and that projection just builds resentments.
I hope this helps in some way. Yes, things can work out, but it is imperative that your A be given the time, space, and freedom to do their own program work and to deal with their own consequences. It is also imperative that you do your part to heal from the damage alcoholism has created in your life.
Well wishes, my friend!
(((FYI - hubby was drinking 30+ beers a day - he began drinking at age 10 - he was 45/46 when he quit))). I pray he will continue his sobriety, but I can never be certain what the future brings and I can not live in the future or the past.
Skorpi said
Feb 13, 2017
Welcome, Friend.
Yes, people can and do change.
My paternal grandfather, for example. My grandparents divorced because of his drinking. (It must have been bad - Italian catholic family and divorce in the 50's aren't too common.) By the time I came along, he was sober, active in AA, moved back to repair relationships with his sons. I thought he was Santa Claus himself as a child.
My mother's best friend, found AA in her mid 20's and has been in recovery since. Several years ago, we celebrated 30 years of sobriety.
My wife, has been sober for 20 months now. Just successfully completed an intensive treatment program through the court system. I was ready to file for divorce 14 months ago, and things aren't easy, but I am glad I stayed. It takes us both working to get better. Alanon has been an integral part of things working out as well as they have for us so far. The thing that worked for me was to work my Alanon program HARDER than She seemed to be working her own recovery program. That way, I was in control of something for me, and I had the support I needed to deal with letting her journey be her own.
Jazzie18 said
Feb 13, 2017
Hi there and welcome to the Boards.
They can get and remain sober. It is really up to them though. My AH got sober almost two years ago. He continues to remain sober and I am so proud of him. A few years ago I was thinking of leaving and when I first started attending face-to-face meetings I really thought that was my only option. I am so glad that I did stay as I have my best friend back and he has become an amazing father.
I will say that I thought once he got sober all of our problems would magically disappear which was not the case. I had a lot of anger/resentment that took over a year to get through before I could really be in a good place in my marriage.
I hope you have the support that you need as you will need support when he gets out of rehab. Sending you positive thoughts/and prayers.
Suburban Denizen said
Feb 13, 2017
Hello, RL, and welcome.
Your post made me reflect...where are all the positive stories?
Two things come to mind.
1. I talk/post about my questions and problems. When my relationship is going smoothly, it does not weigh heavily on my mind and constantly raise questions about how to handle it. I think that holds true online, too, you see more about problems because that's when the experience, strength and hope are needed so urgently. It's kind of like a kid's story...you read about a dilemma and once that's resolved the tale ends "...and they all lived happily ever after." Not nearly as many issues arise in that "ever after" bit.
2. Someone can be a drunk buffoon...and without the alchohol may be a sober buffoon. Drunk, my qualifier had good and bad qualities; sober, same thing. Working the steps does help both of us cope with and even overcome difficulties, but no one works the program perfectly and again, I tend to ask for ESH about a problem we've encountered; I rarely post about the triumphs.
Happy endings are out there, they take commitment from each party. Our programs offer us a terrific toolbox to help us craft a happpy ending each day, but, one day at a time, we have to pick up those tools and do the work.
(((RL))) Thank you for the interesting question; I'm happy you're here and hope this resource helps you, too.
Onward.
Jaeger said
Feb 13, 2017
I will chime in here. My RAH is at 20 months sober. I myself have been in Al-Anon working in my recovery for about 4 years now. Our marriage is better today than ever. When I say it was bad before....it was real bad. It all came crashing down and I filed for a protection order. He moved out and we were no contact for several weeks. He did not go to rehab, he totally immersed himself into the AA program.
Now, after saying all that, nothing you do or say when he comes home will keep him sober. That's all on him. I do urge you to find an Al-Anon meeting asap. It is truly a lifesaver! At times, it's harder once they get sober because it's all new situations and new reactions. Al-Anon will help you to stay on your side of the street. It was the only thing that helped me keep my sanity!
RL17 said
Feb 13, 2017
Thank you all! I did attend a meeting yesterday, and will attend a meeting on Wed. Then my husband and I will be attending some meetings together while we are in Hawaii, and some separate. I have not told many people, but there is one gal I have connected with, and I broke down and told her today where he was. Turns out she has been sober for 5 yrs now, and goes to the AA meetings here also. She shared an article with me, and we had the best talk (while she was cleaning my teeth at the dentist LOL). I'm sure I'll meet her bf soon at the Al Anon meetings here, and she gave me a name of another lady who goes that will be a great resource for me.
Thank you again for your experiences! I feel like there is a light ahead now!
Jazzie18 said
Feb 14, 2017
Such great news and I found it was an absolute relief once I let go of my secret and confided in some of my friends/family members. I felt like a 100 pound boulder had been lifted off my back.
Jaeger said
Feb 14, 2017
RL17 wrote:
Thank you all! I did attend a meeting yesterday, and will attend a meeting on Wed. Then my husband and I will be attending some meetings together while we are in Hawaii, and some separate. I have not told many people, but there is one gal I have connected with, and I broke down and told her today where he was. Turns out she has been sober for 5 yrs now, and goes to the AA meetings here also. She shared an article with me, and we had the best talk (while she was cleaning my teeth at the dentist LOL). I'm sure I'll meet her bf soon at the Al Anon meetings here, and she gave me a name of another lady who goes that will be a great resource for me.
Thank you again for your experiences! I feel like there is a light ahead now!
That is awesome! Sounds to me like your Higher Power at work putting just the right people in your path.
Iamhere said
Feb 14, 2017
Hey RL17 - so glad to hear that you made contact at the meeting and found some hope! That's how it worked for me and as long as I keep myself focused on me, my actions, reactions, responses, etc. life is pretty good....
I met and married my AH in AA a long while ago. He relapsed and never returned to recovery - I've stayed sober. I did go through all kinds of crazy with him, but was able to accept quite a bit and deny quite a bit. What brought me to Al-Anon was our two sons both ended up going down the disease path. It's been a really rocky road for a long while and one is active and falling down the hole again right now. However, the program has given me the tools to trust the program, trust the process, trust the HP and keep my focus on me.
My AH and I have stayed together and found peace and joy in our lives/marriage. Is it perfect? Nope....but it wasn't before he relapsed either. Is there things I'd change if I could? Sure.....but I think that applies to all relationships. Instead, I try each day to focus on what's going well, what's improved, what's improving and what's my role - which is a much better way to focus. Before Al-Anon, I was consumed and overwhelmed with what was broken, negative energy, negative projection, etc.
Keep doing what you're doing - One Day at a Time!! Keep coming back!
RL17 said
Feb 15, 2017
Thank you all! I've been doing really well focusing on the positive, during the day. Still overwhelmed though. Until this morning, when I had such a vivid dream that we went to dinner the day after AH got home. AH ordered a beer, then when I realized what he had done when the waiter brought the drinks, I got upset and went to walk out on him. He hid the drink by his side, I reached out and knocked it over, and stormed off saying "I'm going to call Charles!" (his case worker at rehab lol). I know that is so not the way to handle it, but it was so vivid, and I was so upset that all the time we've spent apart was in vain. Now to figure out the best way to handle the situation when/if it does happen.
Just really bummed that because of weather, I might not be able to make it to the meeting today. I was hoping to get the books I wanted before we leave on vacation. But thankfully, I know they will be there to purchase at the meetings in Hawaii.
My husband is away at rehab, and will be coming home in a week. He's doing amazing, and is so positive and determined.
I guess I just need to hear some positive stories from people who have had things work out, and the husband stayed sober, and things got better. So far, I'm terrified from stories I've read.
Can things work out??
Welcome Rl Yes, people do recover and remain sober after rehab. I suggest that you search ouf alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease that can be arrested but never cured. AA is the recovery program for those who drink and alanon is a recovery program for family members who have lived with the insanity of the disease. In alanon I learned how to keep the focus on myself, break the isolation caused by living with the disease, found tools that helped restore my self esteem as I learned new constructive tools to live by.
We have an aa Board here at MIP. You can visit there and see AA recovery in action. Here is the link http://aa.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42735
Please keep coming back. There is hope.
AlAnon introduced me to a knew perspective: understanding that I did not cause the disease, could neither control or cure it, and I really had no idea whether the time was right for the drinker to make their recovery hold at a particular time. AlAnon helped me offer loving support to my qualifier (one whose drinking was a cause for my concern) and hold onto a sense of peace regardless of what they did or did not do in their recovery.
This helped me become less dependent on what others did for my sense of peace and serenity, and allowed me to actually be in a better position to offer love and support. I feel for your position and concerns, hang in there, you are not alone. Keep reaching out to AlAnon meetings, read if you can, and remember to take care of you
This time, he got himself to AA and he works his program HARD. I do, however, believe we would still have split up if I had not started learning to live more within the program of AlAnon. Please do this for yourself. (I have no idea if you attend or not, but I must include this for any readers).
Without Al-Anon, I thought I knew everything about alcoholism (since I grew up in it...imagine that..lol). I was never so wrong in my life. I was angry all of the time. I aggravated him to death by calling and (embarrassingly now) begging for reassurance of his love and devotion. I tried to control everything...and I mean everything! I demanded certain behaviors and I had even gotten to the point of speaking for him at every doctor's appointment....Sad, I know!!! What a horrible way to live.
I cannot say we are perfect every day in every way, but I can say that we're are still married (almost 22 years) and that I never believed he would ever quit drinking. I also never imagined I could have serenity in any way, but I do have serenity...unless I start projecting and/or trying to "read his mind". I have found that I am not gifted in mind reading and that projection just builds resentments.
I hope this helps in some way. Yes, things can work out, but it is imperative that your A be given the time, space, and freedom to do their own program work and to deal with their own consequences. It is also imperative that you do your part to heal from the damage alcoholism has created in your life.
Well wishes, my friend!
(((FYI - hubby was drinking 30+ beers a day - he began drinking at age 10 - he was 45/46 when he quit))). I pray he will continue his sobriety, but I can never be certain what the future brings and I can not live in the future or the past.
Yes, people can and do change.
My paternal grandfather, for example. My grandparents divorced because of his drinking. (It must have been bad - Italian catholic family and divorce in the 50's aren't too common.) By the time I came along, he was sober, active in AA, moved back to repair relationships with his sons. I thought he was Santa Claus himself as a child.
My mother's best friend, found AA in her mid 20's and has been in recovery since. Several years ago, we celebrated 30 years of sobriety.
My wife, has been sober for 20 months now. Just successfully completed an intensive treatment program through the court system. I was ready to file for divorce 14 months ago, and things aren't easy, but I am glad I stayed. It takes us both working to get better. Alanon has been an integral part of things working out as well as they have for us so far. The thing that worked for me was to work my Alanon program HARDER than She seemed to be working her own recovery program. That way, I was in control of something for me, and I had the support I needed to deal with letting her journey be her own.
They can get and remain sober. It is really up to them though. My AH got sober almost two years ago. He continues to remain sober and I am so proud of him. A few years ago I was thinking of leaving and when I first started attending face-to-face meetings I really thought that was my only option. I am so glad that I did stay as I have my best friend back and he has become an amazing father.
I will say that I thought once he got sober all of our problems would magically disappear which was not the case. I had a lot of anger/resentment that took over a year to get through before I could really be in a good place in my marriage.
I hope you have the support that you need as you will need support when he gets out of rehab. Sending you positive thoughts/and prayers.
Your post made me reflect...where are all the positive stories?
Two things come to mind.
1. I talk/post about my questions and problems. When my relationship is going smoothly, it does not weigh heavily on my mind and constantly raise questions about how to handle it. I think that holds true online, too, you see more about problems because that's when the experience, strength and hope are needed so urgently. It's kind of like a kid's story...you read about a dilemma and once that's resolved the tale ends "...and they all lived happily ever after." Not nearly as many issues arise in that "ever after" bit.
2. Someone can be a drunk buffoon...and without the alchohol may be a sober buffoon. Drunk, my qualifier had good and bad qualities; sober, same thing. Working the steps does help both of us cope with and even overcome difficulties, but no one works the program perfectly and again, I tend to ask for ESH about a problem we've encountered; I rarely post about the triumphs.
Happy endings are out there, they take commitment from each party. Our programs offer us a terrific toolbox to help us craft a happpy ending each day, but, one day at a time, we have to pick up those tools and do the work.
(((RL))) Thank you for the interesting question; I'm happy you're here and hope this resource helps you, too.
Onward.
Thank you all! I did attend a meeting yesterday, and will attend a meeting on Wed. Then my husband and I will be attending some meetings together while we are in Hawaii, and some separate. I have not told many people, but there is one gal I have connected with, and I broke down and told her today where he was. Turns out she has been sober for 5 yrs now, and goes to the AA meetings here also. She shared an article with me, and we had the best talk (while she was cleaning my teeth at the dentist LOL). I'm sure I'll meet her bf soon at the Al Anon meetings here, and she gave me a name of another lady who goes that will be a great resource for me.
Thank you again for your experiences! I feel like there is a light ahead now!
That is awesome! Sounds to me like your Higher Power at work putting just the right people in your path.
I met and married my AH in AA a long while ago. He relapsed and never returned to recovery - I've stayed sober. I did go through all kinds of crazy with him, but was able to accept quite a bit and deny quite a bit. What brought me to Al-Anon was our two sons both ended up going down the disease path. It's been a really rocky road for a long while and one is active and falling down the hole again right now. However, the program has given me the tools to trust the program, trust the process, trust the HP and keep my focus on me.
My AH and I have stayed together and found peace and joy in our lives/marriage. Is it perfect? Nope....but it wasn't before he relapsed either. Is there things I'd change if I could? Sure.....but I think that applies to all relationships. Instead, I try each day to focus on what's going well, what's improved, what's improving and what's my role - which is a much better way to focus. Before Al-Anon, I was consumed and overwhelmed with what was broken, negative energy, negative projection, etc.
Keep doing what you're doing - One Day at a Time!! Keep coming back!
Just really bummed that because of weather, I might not be able to make it to the meeting today. I was hoping to get the books I wanted before we leave on vacation. But thankfully, I know they will be there to purchase at the meetings in Hawaii.