hi, all. my AB has 90+ days sober. and things are better. he's in an OP program plus a vocational rehab program. started therapy and seeing psych.
but... he steps out at night, says he's going to the store and i can't help but wonder. things are better. we've been rebuilding. but i don't fully trust him, and i no longer trust my instincts since i've been lied to and fooled many times.
i'm supposed to mind my business, right? not even bring it up? let him live his life? not play mama/ interrogator, or even raise the topic of "when you do this, i can't help but wonder"...?
we're supposed to start couples counseling soon, too. will see.
thanks for "listening." feeling weary.
hotrod said
Feb 10, 2017
(junenine)) Sending positive thoughts on the way
Iamhere said
Feb 11, 2017
I too am sending you positive thoughts Junenine....in my world, there was nothing good that ever happened if I tried to start a conversation regarding the disease. No matter how I tried, no matter what words I used, no matter - it just has not yet been productive or healing in any way.
It was better for me to lean into my program and answer if/when they brought it up. Denial runs so deep in this program there were times when I felt my denial was even in denial. What I thought I knew, smelled, saw, etc. was confused by the emotional reaction I had to the disease. I tend to let go and let God when there are relapses as I do accept I can't fix it, change, it cure it or cause it.
(((Hugs))) I do hear you focusing on what is working and that shows huge progress! That helped me to - focusing on what is working or better today than what is broken or bothering me today. Changing attitudes do aid recovery!
Junenine said
Feb 16, 2017
thank you, Iamhere. i'm awake because he's been in and out and the new thing is... food addiction. food and sugar. full blown, never seen him quite this bad.
so of course, it's not alcohol. but i feel like he's just hell bent on finding some twisted way to kill himself or be unhealthy.
will be returning to F2F meetings this week. thanks for sharing.
milkwood said
Feb 16, 2017
I found that having something to occupy my mind helped me to not pay too much attention to what AH was or wasn't doing. Getting rid of my obsessive attention on him left a gap in my mind and I have been enjoying finding other things to fill my thoughts. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Feb 16, 2017
It's very common for alcoholics to turn to sugar in recovery. I don't understand all the details, but alcohol manifests into a form of sugar in the body during consumption/digestion, so when it's removed, the person/body crave sugar. I do recall that when I got sober, food was a huge consolation prize for me as - it gave me something 'different' to do with my hands and my mouth.
Alcoholism is a disease that affects the mind, body, soul and emotions. Many assume the body part is only the destruction it can cause - it's actually also like biting nails - the lifting of the drink, the swirling in the mouth, the swallowing, etc. - all of 'that' is a part of the mind/body addiction.
Lean into your program and try to not be annoyed.....I know it's easier said that done - this is those times when I did focus on what was better instead of what the he!! is going on now??? (yes - BTDT - been there, done that).
(((Hugs)))
Junenine said
Mar 3, 2017
belated thanks, mikwood. glad you've found some peace. been off line for some time.
Junenine said
Mar 3, 2017
belated thanks, Iamhere. yes, i understand the alcohol-sugar connection (basically, at least). all points well taken... been off line for a long time but appreciate your comment.
Rickbrins said
Mar 6, 2017
My A-Addict-GF is almost done her 90 day inpatient program. They were very good about making sure the girls in the program (it is an all girls program) did not substitute one addiction for another..Most sugars, smoking, even excessive exercising was not accepted. The program has a very high success rate and most of the graduates speak very highly of it.... I hope your AB is beyond 120 days and still going, I also you have found the strength to do what is right for you.
I will going through these thoughts soon myself, I want to ask if you confronted him about this or if you found strength in some Al-anon teachings...I may be looking for those same words inn a few weeks.
Thanks for sharing!
Junenine said
Mar 19, 2017
Hi, Rickbrins - sorry for the delayed response, I haven't been online lately.
That sounds like a great program she did. My partner has passed 120 days although I don't remember the exact count. We've just started couples counseling for the first time, made available through his outpatient program.
I did wind up talking to him because eventually, we talk about everything. I make an effort to hold my tongue in the moment, though... it usually comes up at a later time. I don't think it's bad that I make him aware of how I'm affected, so long as the timing is right and I avoid confrontation. He admitted in therapy that sometimes he needs a reality check or a kick in the pants, and that comes from me. He finds it useful; I find it bothersome and burdensome and don't want to be in that role.
I've been delinquent with meetings although I'm now going back. He and I are both struggling with our own issues, and he has made progress and is sober, so I'm doing my best to be patient. Even though I often don't feel very patient.
I have a friend whose partner went through a longer program like your girlfriend, and he has had excellent results. I hope the same for her (and you).
2HP said
Mar 19, 2017
i applaud the fact you had a discussion with him and i hope you were honest about your true feelings, how you feel that you cannot fully trust him doing what he is doing. i myself would definitely want my partner to tell me such a thing. what good is a good relationship if we can't be honest together.
we all use the steps differently...i can share that for step one, i find the principle is all about honesty with myself. what a relief it was to get honest with myself after years of running running running from truth.
step one has to be nothing more than the acceptance of "i don't like this." i don't have to explain it. i don't have to go into judgment about anything (especially regarding others, my recovery is not about others, its about me.) i only have to be aware and then accept that something is not right..... for me.
when i do this, i am avoiding self-denial. it is the beginning of self- responsibility. the steps are about building trust between me and the Higher Power and its gotta begin with admitting the truth of how i feel. then i no longer have to worry about whether or not i can trust the people in my life because i have learned to trust myself.
i am always grateful to read an honest post, it helps me have hope in an insane world.
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 19th of March 2017 05:42:15 PM
Junenine said
Mar 27, 2017
2HP, thank you so much for these words. and sorry for the delayed response! what you say is very relevant for me right now. i made a conscious decision this week to re-focus... on MY reality and self-responsibility. i think i've been so focused on him and so worried about him and us that i've pushed my feelings down for a long time, just gone on auto-pilot. i need to stop that and get more aware of What I'm Doing...
grateful for your honest as well - all the best to you.
hi, all. my AB has 90+ days sober. and things are better. he's in an OP program plus a vocational rehab program. started therapy and seeing psych.
but... he steps out at night, says he's going to the store and i can't help but wonder. things are better. we've been rebuilding. but i don't fully trust him, and i no longer trust my instincts since i've been lied to and fooled many times.
i'm supposed to mind my business, right? not even bring it up? let him live his life? not play mama/ interrogator, or even raise the topic of "when you do this, i can't help but wonder"...?
we're supposed to start couples counseling soon, too. will see.
thanks for "listening." feeling weary.
It was better for me to lean into my program and answer if/when they brought it up. Denial runs so deep in this program there were times when I felt my denial was even in denial. What I thought I knew, smelled, saw, etc. was confused by the emotional reaction I had to the disease. I tend to let go and let God when there are relapses as I do accept I can't fix it, change, it cure it or cause it.
(((Hugs))) I do hear you focusing on what is working and that shows huge progress! That helped me to - focusing on what is working or better today than what is broken or bothering me today. Changing attitudes do aid recovery!
thank you, Iamhere. i'm awake because he's been in and out and the new thing is... food addiction. food and sugar. full blown, never seen him quite this bad.
so of course, it's not alcohol. but i feel like he's just hell bent on finding some twisted way to kill himself or be unhealthy.
will be returning to F2F meetings this week. thanks for sharing.
I found that having something to occupy my mind helped me to not pay too much attention to what AH was or wasn't doing. Getting rid of my obsessive attention on him left a gap in my mind and I have been enjoying finding other things to fill my thoughts. ((((hugs))))
Alcoholism is a disease that affects the mind, body, soul and emotions. Many assume the body part is only the destruction it can cause - it's actually also like biting nails - the lifting of the drink, the swirling in the mouth, the swallowing, etc. - all of 'that' is a part of the mind/body addiction.
Lean into your program and try to not be annoyed.....I know it's easier said that done - this is those times when I did focus on what was better instead of what the he!! is going on now??? (yes - BTDT - been there, done that).
(((Hugs)))
belated thanks, mikwood. glad you've found some peace. been off line for some time.
belated thanks, Iamhere. yes, i understand the alcohol-sugar connection (basically, at least). all points well taken... been off line for a long time but appreciate your comment.
I will going through these thoughts soon myself, I want to ask if you confronted him about this or if you found strength in some Al-anon teachings...I may be looking for those same words inn a few weeks.
Thanks for sharing!
Hi, Rickbrins - sorry for the delayed response, I haven't been online lately.
That sounds like a great program she did. My partner has passed 120 days although I don't remember the exact count. We've just started couples counseling for the first time, made available through his outpatient program.
I did wind up talking to him because eventually, we talk about everything. I make an effort to hold my tongue in the moment, though... it usually comes up at a later time. I don't think it's bad that I make him aware of how I'm affected, so long as the timing is right and I avoid confrontation. He admitted in therapy that sometimes he needs a reality check or a kick in the pants, and that comes from me. He finds it useful; I find it bothersome and burdensome and don't want to be in that role.
I've been delinquent with meetings although I'm now going back. He and I are both struggling with our own issues, and he has made progress and is sober, so I'm doing my best to be patient. Even though I often don't feel very patient.
I have a friend whose partner went through a longer program like your girlfriend, and he has had excellent results. I hope the same for her (and you).
i applaud the fact you had a discussion with him and i hope you were honest about your true feelings, how you feel that you cannot fully trust him doing what he is doing. i myself would definitely want my partner to tell me such a thing. what good is a good relationship if we can't be honest together.
we all use the steps differently...i can share that for step one, i find the principle is all about honesty with myself. what a relief it was to get honest with myself after years of running running running from truth.
step one has to be nothing more than the acceptance of "i don't like this." i don't have to explain it. i don't have to go into judgment about anything (especially regarding others, my recovery is not about others, its about me.) i only have to be aware and then accept that something is not right..... for me.
when i do this, i am avoiding self-denial. it is the beginning of self- responsibility. the steps are about building trust between me and the Higher Power and its gotta begin with admitting the truth of how i feel. then i no longer have to worry about whether or not i can trust the people in my life because i have learned to trust myself.
i am always grateful to read an honest post, it helps me have hope in an insane world.
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 19th of March 2017 05:42:15 PM
2HP, thank you so much for these words. and sorry for the delayed response! what you say is very relevant for me right now. i made a conscious decision this week to re-focus... on MY reality and self-responsibility. i think i've been so focused on him and so worried about him and us that i've pushed my feelings down for a long time, just gone on auto-pilot. i need to stop that and get more aware of What I'm Doing...
grateful for your honest as well - all the best to you.