my husband just came out of rehab , we are trying to be together he showed me the aa book i found the sections for the family and the wife , i read it , while in rehab he made several new friends one a woman, I'm finding it hard to cope with this friendship , why ? i know i need to worry about me I'm not able to control him i can rely that all will be good for me if i trust my higher power but why cant i get this out of my head, i keep thinking of all the terrible things he prob told them about me u know I'm the devil because i tried ( in the wrong way ) to help him
i know i have to support this friendship but I'm finding it hard , i think this last 6 months are catching up with me the strength i had is flipping on me , it feels like the candle i have been holding is burning out , i have 2 young children 8 months and 5 years old , i have none of my family here I'm from another country , infact my family don't even know these troubles i have been covering up to ashamed to let them know , i feel like I'm becoming depressed n hate myself , i hate that I'm trying to do the right thing n cant , why does it have to be so difficult , why cant he come home n this person not exist , he says it not sexual i actually believe him , i also read a letter she wrote i know nothing sexual happened but why does he keep it in wallet
WestMan said
Feb 10, 2017
Hi Lizbots. I'm very new here too. I'm sorry to hear of your difficult time. My first post was somewhat similar to yours. I've been very angry and I suppose jealous as well of a relationship my wife has with a man. They knew each other previously and recently reconnected around AA.
In my case the guy is out of state so I don't have to worry about a physical relationship. However they are connected in this deep personal way that I can't be a part of. It's lead to a huge amount of anger and resentment on my part.
In addition I was also mad about a bunch of other things probably half of which are irrational and angry at myself. I've been to one meeting and that was just the newcomer orientation. But it was helpful. I was able to talk to someone and through that conversation I was able to focus on just the one or two things that were actually things that were happening and needed some healthy limits.
I had to try not to insert myself in her relationship or pry into her business. I had to not dump ALL of everything that was bugging me on her in that one conversation. It's hard because there is a history of subtle lying through misdirection, omissions and turning her misdeeds back on me. In a way I'm forced to trust someone who hasn't always been trustworthy.
For some reason though just getting that little bit of help at Al-Anon helped me be a bit more peaceful with this particular situation. Without it I'm sure I would have went on the rampage and started a huge fight which would have driven her into greater secrecy and wouldn't have made me feel any better.
I would implore you to get to a meeting as soon as possible if you haven't already.
a4l said
Feb 10, 2017
Hey and im sorry for the energy loss you're feeling, it is very draining dealing with anothers addiction. Hugs and support to you. There are some people I've connected to more than others at meetings. Someone says something that resonates. I can still remember in vivid detail the faces and feeling of everyone in the first ever outpatient treatment group i did for codependency. However we were also taught and guided to say goodbye. We talked about feeling sad to have it end, and someone said, sometimes in order to say hello to new things, i have to say goodbye first to the old. I don't know whats going on with your husband and his recovery friend, i do know early recovery is a vulnerable time, ones usual defences are stripped and if we are genuine, we try to hold on to things that are helpful to us on our journey. Maybe that letter was something supportive that keeps him connected to this new recovering world. In our group we gave each other letters. Short ones. I wasn't impressed with the one i got lol. Anyway, addiction is a hard road for partners. Very hard. Whether its treated or untreated, one is dealing with a threefold disease. Please do seek out face to face alanon meetings for yourself, there are people who understand and can support you on your journey. Alcoholism has more points than a pineapple, keeping you strong,safe and healthy must take priority amongst it all. lots of warm thoughts your way. Keep coming back.
Iamhere said
Feb 10, 2017
Hey lizbots - welcome to MIP. Glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. I really have no insight into your story but do know that the program has helped me stay focused on me and my growth. Relationships are so very, very complex and those without this disease are often baffled. When we (living or loving) an alcoholic - they are darn near maddening.
What I've learned in recovery is I really need to use all the tools I can to avoid focusing on others, their actions, their motives, etc. Each time my brain drifts to why others are who they are or why they do what they do, my thinking becomes negative and my serenity slips or goes south. As I realized the energy and pain involved in considering others and their motives, etc. I realized I'd rather have true joy and peace of mind.
Do what you can to stay focused on you. What others do and say truly does not reflect on us - it's all about them. It takes practice, support, literature and a higher power to work our program, but it's so so worth it! I am one who had to read the literature often to redirect my mind.
my husband just came out of rehab , we are trying to be together he showed me the aa book i found the sections for the family and the wife , i read it , while in rehab he made several new friends one a woman, I'm finding it hard to cope with this friendship , why ? i know i need to worry about me I'm not able to control him i can rely that all will be good for me if i trust my higher power but why cant i get this out of my head, i keep thinking of all the terrible things he prob told them about me u know I'm the devil because i tried ( in the wrong way ) to help him
i know i have to support this friendship but I'm finding it hard , i think this last 6 months are catching up with me the strength i had is flipping on me , it feels like the candle i have been holding is burning out , i have 2 young children 8 months and 5 years old , i have none of my family here I'm from another country , infact my family don't even know these troubles i have been covering up to ashamed to let them know , i feel like I'm becoming depressed n hate myself , i hate that I'm trying to do the right thing n cant , why does it have to be so difficult , why cant he come home n this person not exist , he says it not sexual i actually believe him , i also read a letter she wrote i know nothing sexual happened but why does he keep it in wallet
Hi Lizbots. I'm very new here too. I'm sorry to hear of your difficult time. My first post was somewhat similar to yours. I've been very angry and I suppose jealous as well of a relationship my wife has with a man. They knew each other previously and recently reconnected around AA.
http://alanon.activeboard.com/t63204810/wife-has-quit-drinking-in-aa-and-imangry/
In my case the guy is out of state so I don't have to worry about a physical relationship. However they are connected in this deep personal way that I can't be a part of. It's lead to a huge amount of anger and resentment on my part.
In addition I was also mad about a bunch of other things probably half of which are irrational and angry at myself. I've been to one meeting and that was just the newcomer orientation. But it was helpful. I was able to talk to someone and through that conversation I was able to focus on just the one or two things that were actually things that were happening and needed some healthy limits.
I had to try not to insert myself in her relationship or pry into her business. I had to not dump ALL of everything that was bugging me on her in that one conversation. It's hard because there is a history of subtle lying through misdirection, omissions and turning her misdeeds back on me. In a way I'm forced to trust someone who hasn't always been trustworthy.
For some reason though just getting that little bit of help at Al-Anon helped me be a bit more peaceful with this particular situation. Without it I'm sure I would have went on the rampage and started a huge fight which would have driven her into greater secrecy and wouldn't have made me feel any better.
I would implore you to get to a meeting as soon as possible if you haven't already.
What I've learned in recovery is I really need to use all the tools I can to avoid focusing on others, their actions, their motives, etc. Each time my brain drifts to why others are who they are or why they do what they do, my thinking becomes negative and my serenity slips or goes south. As I realized the energy and pain involved in considering others and their motives, etc. I realized I'd rather have true joy and peace of mind.
Do what you can to stay focused on you. What others do and say truly does not reflect on us - it's all about them. It takes practice, support, literature and a higher power to work our program, but it's so so worth it! I am one who had to read the literature often to redirect my mind.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help!