Hi all, I'm having a hard time deciding if I'm being supportive of my boyfriend or enabling him to lie to me. The abbreviated version is he lied to me about something stupid, then lied about why he lied. Now I'm agonizing over the decision to go visit him on Sunday, since he only gets one visitation day per week, or do I punish/enact tough love on him so as to not enable this dishonest, disrespectful behavior. I've been reading a lot of literature about enabling and supporting, and I honestly don't know what to do. He knows this behaviour isn't OK and he apologizes immediately, but it's incredibly hurtful and makes me seriously worry about our future. Please help!
~~~ Full Story ~~~
My alcoholic partner went into rehab 2 months ago, and since then there have been some very high highs and very low lows. Recently our conversations on the phone have been a mixed bag. The most recent conversation he explained the facility he's been at is being sold, and he has to choose between 3 others.
He told me one of them is co-ed and he doesn't want to go there because he heard that their rules are very strict, and he doesn't want to put himself in that position. I asked if what he meant by, "that position," was that he was afraid he'd cheat on me again, he said no. Because he won't put himself in that position ever again.
A few more times after that I asked him you honestly want me to believe that their rules are your biggest worry?! Why not just tell me that you don't want to go there because you know you'd be tempted. He kept denying it until I asked him what made him tempted to cheat in the past, he said sadness, vulnerability, etc. And I asked so how is it that those same temptations aren't still present. He finally admitted that is exactly why he doesn't want to go there. As the truth came out he was getting progressively more and more angry with me for asking him the same question in 5 different ways, but as he finally admitted it he was really mad. After taking some time to breath he apologized for lying and I asked him why he lied and he said "because I didn't think."
So then we played that same game, me asking him is that really the reason why in 5 different ways until he finally admitted that he lied because he wanted me to trust him. So here we are. In the span of one hour he tried to gloss over the truth, got mad at me for demanding the truth, and then he lied about why he lied. So as much as I want to see him on Sunday, I don't want him to think this kind of behavior is OK. But I also get it that he's really stressed about the move, and he's trying to quite smoking cigarettes at the same time. It's nice that he immediately admitted to lying, but he didn't do so until I made him face the facts. I know relationships are about compromise and forgiveness, but I want to enforce his recovery, not enable him to say whatever he thinks sounds good and give the impression that there are no repercussions.
What would you do?
a4l said
Feb 10, 2017
I would give him the space to focus on his recovery and hightail it to alanon meetings. That's support. Creating drama, takes the focus off recovery. He's in rehab so he's trying. We can't control others, as unfortunate as it feels at the time. Forcing an answer we want to hear, like policeman to criminal is not nice for either of you. It never ends well for me, though i still have to force myself not to truth search. Keep coming back.
Joxci said
Feb 10, 2017
Thank you for the advice. That's what my gut has been saying even if the thought of being away from him for a few weeks to a month breaks my heart.
Hi all, I'm having a hard time deciding if I'm being supportive of my boyfriend or enabling him to lie to me. The abbreviated version is he lied to me about something stupid, then lied about why he lied. Now I'm agonizing over the decision to go visit him on Sunday, since he only gets one visitation day per week, or do I punish/enact tough love on him so as to not enable this dishonest, disrespectful behavior. I've been reading a lot of literature about enabling and supporting, and I honestly don't know what to do. He knows this behaviour isn't OK and he apologizes immediately, but it's incredibly hurtful and makes me seriously worry about our future. Please help!
~~~ Full Story ~~~
My alcoholic partner went into rehab 2 months ago, and since then there have been some very high highs and very low lows. Recently our conversations on the phone have been a mixed bag. The most recent conversation he explained the facility he's been at is being sold, and he has to choose between 3 others.
He told me one of them is co-ed and he doesn't want to go there because he heard that their rules are very strict, and he doesn't want to put himself in that position. I asked if what he meant by, "that position," was that he was afraid he'd cheat on me again, he said no. Because he won't put himself in that position ever again.
A few more times after that I asked him you honestly want me to believe that their rules are your biggest worry?! Why not just tell me that you don't want to go there because you know you'd be tempted. He kept denying it until I asked him what made him tempted to cheat in the past, he said sadness, vulnerability, etc. And I asked so how is it that those same temptations aren't still present. He finally admitted that is exactly why he doesn't want to go there. As the truth came out he was getting progressively more and more angry with me for asking him the same question in 5 different ways, but as he finally admitted it he was really mad. After taking some time to breath he apologized for lying and I asked him why he lied and he said "because I didn't think."
So then we played that same game, me asking him is that really the reason why in 5 different ways until he finally admitted that he lied because he wanted me to trust him. So here we are. In the span of one hour he tried to gloss over the truth, got mad at me for demanding the truth, and then he lied about why he lied. So as much as I want to see him on Sunday, I don't want him to think this kind of behavior is OK. But I also get it that he's really stressed about the move, and he's trying to quite smoking cigarettes at the same time. It's nice that he immediately admitted to lying, but he didn't do so until I made him face the facts. I know relationships are about compromise and forgiveness, but I want to enforce his recovery, not enable him to say whatever he thinks sounds good and give the impression that there are no repercussions.
What would you do?