I don't know if it's human, alanonic or aa but i hate being controlled. made it to an aa meeting last night, it was so good. Came home to sleeping household even better. Climbed into bed, put on a movie, fell asleep feeling like an individual human being and fell asleep. Then this morning the snarky ah who leaves at 5am, woke up at 4, made some comment about making us a coffee. Perfectly normal but i wanted to throw something at him. Im sick of doing things on his schedule and he makes it so theres no option. If i want to go somewhere, i have to accept the kids will be eating takeout and driving around till late and possibly endangered by dumbass decisions like taking them swimming when none of them can swim. Or walking around the rocks next to a rough stretch of sea. Nothing i say makes any difference. and bla bla bla. But the point to this wasn't a moan session. It was defining wtf is happening and trying to make sense of it all. Ideally, I'd be at three meetings a day, because i really just want desperately to be around programme people either side. im like a bleeding person trying to do stuff and it's ridiculous, need to do some healing. I can't stop myself from attacking as a form of defense. Its very hard being subtly abused, one is fighting shadows. And i feel quite scared in a way, because i reach this point where i stop caring and stop crying and every person who ever hurt me becomes the one hurting me now. I touched that side of myself this morning when he mentioned my oldest sons. I think if he'd put one more finger on me after that comment things would be very bad. I need some detachment strategies. Why do i give a damn anyway?why am i taking him personally? What do you all tell yourselves when gaslighting occurs? im not scared of him. Im scared of me.

Realistically i can't take care of my family in this country because i do not have the physical or financial support to do it. So maybe i need to start planning around that fact.

(((a4l))) - how awesome that I come 'here' and find this. We are in another adjustment period because my oldest is separated from his baby momma and is staying here. I've been using my tools to detach and I just put myself in time-out. I am surrendering in my safe spot (bedroom alone) and he's picking up the boys for their very first sleep-over here.

Of course, I too forget about the disease and the diseased. I got up early, spent the whole day cleaning big time, child-proofing, and cooking a turkey - thinking we'd have a sit down dinner and enjoy, relax, play, whatever...

Just not happening - he came home from school, got all snarky and nasty when I tried to help set up their sleep area so I just stepped away. I decided to slice off some turkey for whomever wants sandwiches, and I'm going to spend the evening catching up on work, email, TV, etc. - those things that I set aside today trying to 'act as if we are normal'.

For me, the best gift of practicing the program as often as I can - I am truly not mad (now). I am sad. I am sad that we can't even have a normal evening. I'm sad that our communication is so hit/miss. I'm sad that it feels again like the disease won. I was mad that I changed up my day to prepare for the kids and mostly at me. But - I got over that quickly as I do love a clean home and I do have a place to 'get away' as I want/need to.

So - your post and Jerry's have helped me. It's so nice to come here and realize no matter what is going on - I am not alone. I can find peace again when I lean back into God's will for me vs. my will. It is what it is and it will be what ever it's going to be.

(((Hugs))) to all - sending positive thoughts and prayers up for us all!

((A41)) I can readily identify I knew that I had to leave my marriage when i started to think" I am going to kill my hubby and I do not care". I do believe it is because i had stopped taking care of myself and had focused all my energy on attempting to control the uncontrollable.

Good job attending the meeting and not reacting!! I think if you stay detached and work the 11th Step praying for HP's will and the power ot carry it out, solutions will surface--It did for me. Positive thoughts and prayers on the way

Thank you, Jerry, Iamhere and Betty. The uncontrollable and an eleventh step, with an unconditionally loving HP. Last night there was talk of being loved back to life by fellowship, I remember such love and feel it here too. In person is always a releif. I really want to rest in the rooms right now. So thank you for being here in my own living room, while I just let all the words sink in. I elected not to talk last night. I just wanted to open my ears. It was a good experience. It was here on this board that i came to accept i was an alcoholic, when learning about dry drunk syndrome. I remembered the vow i made to myself years ago, that one day, I'd be safe enough to drink and never stop, once I'd gotten everybody off my back and had my own place. I forgot that vow consciously, but it lurked. Consciously, i forced self control until i didn't have to. Decided i didn't like alcohol but skirted around facing the entire truth. Im ok with it now though. It seems like a logical progression to all the alanon stuff, accepting it and letting that avenue go. So, im happy to add in AA because alot of my lurking influences are alcoholic thinking. Like lately, thinking who cares? I've been shopping to distract my pain over the last years, which sounds ridiculous but its true. Lately though I've just thought , this is not serving me. Spiritual void. Need more meetings. " I wasn't a bad person, I was a sick one".Thanks again for listening and sharing.

(((a4l))) - I so agree with Betty - I came to Al-Anon from the other side but my sponsor did the reverse - started in Al-Anon and found her way to AA....I believe there is no right/wrong way to find recovery - the priceless gift of a spiritual path/journey and the serenity is so worth it.

One Day at a Time is how we roll....(((hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers headed your way!