I haven't posted in quite a while.
My alcoholic boyfriend broke up with me for around 3 weeks last year (after I asked him to get some help for his drinking) but we got back together after that and things were pretty good for a while.
I can tell he's drinking more at the moment though & his behaviour towards me has been pretty average. He constantly lies to me about his drinking, and continues to pinch my alcohol even after I've asked him countless times not to.
This morning he woke up at 6am and went to open a beer. I told him that if he was going to do that he could take his beers & leave. He said that he wouldn't drink it, and made it seem like my feelings were more important than drinking the beer.
I later found the beer bottle in the fridge filled up with water. He'd drunk it but wanted to make it look like it was still full. When I got angry about it he turned it around on me & said "why shouldn't he be allowed to drink the beer" and "it's hours before he had to start work". He couldn't see a problem with his behaviour.
He's been very unreliable & not very nice towards me lately, when I try and raise it with him he says that all I do is whinge & criticise him.
He always makes me feel like I'm the problem - that I "berate" him and "nothing is ever good enough" for me. It's really affecting my confidence. I feel like I've given him a lot of chances and put up with a lot. I've forgiven him after he's done many horrible things. My friends tell me that any other girl would have left a long time ago. My family won't have anything to do with him.
I feel like the things that I want in a relationship are reasonable, but when I try and talk to him about things he always makes it out like I'm the problem for criticising him & not being supportive enough of him.
He's so bloody childish and selfish.
Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can talk to him about the constant lying & get him to see my perspective? Sorry for the rant!
hotrod said
Feb 8, 2017
Hi Sarah . Alcoholism is a threefold chronic disease over which we are powerless. This disease affects the problem drinker spiritually, emotionally and physically and recovery can be found in AA meetings and is a process. Lying, denying reality is a negative tool alcoholics use to protect their disease and are part of the disease. In order to protect the disease and the drinking alcoholics will deny reality so that they can continue doing what they need to do.
Al-Anon is a recovery program for family members who have dealt with this insanity and need a recovery program of their own. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number in the white pages. Here I learned that I was powerless over people places and things that I was responsible for taking care of my own self and I developed healthy tools to live by.
I suggest you check out the meetings, and keep coming back
Enigmatic said
Feb 8, 2017
Hi SarahLin, welcome back...It sounds like you have spent some time here in the past, so you likely will recognize some of the behavior and feelings you describe as being the experience and feelings of many on this board before, during, and after they found AlAnon. As hotrod outlined above, alcoholism is a dreadful disease that is predictable in it's power and behavior.
Before AlAnon I had exhausted myself pleading, threatening, and trying to change the behavior of a loved one who drank. It was in my first meeting of AlAnon that I began to understand the disease, but more importantly, what I could do differently to reduce the insanity I was feeling and find some desperately needed peace.
Please find your way to an AlAnon meeting, find an AlAnon book to read, and spend some more time here reading about the Experience and success others have had using the wisdom of AlAnon, the Strength and Hope they have gained as a result. Glad you're back
Taraxacum said
Feb 8, 2017
Hugs Saralin
My AH has at times spun my head around and made me feel confused or even unclear about reality. Did I really do or say something wrong? Or is he gaslighting me?
It really helps me when I can read and post here, or reach out to a friend in the program right away, before I get caught up in negative thoughts. Meetings help ground me too.
I hope you find some clarity and peace Saralin <3
Jazzie18 said
Feb 9, 2017
Hi Sara,
Unfortunately lying and blaming their bad behavior on others is the nature of the disease. My husband use to lie about everything. It used to drive me crazy and I literally almost had a breakdown before I found this program. My only suggestion would try and get to a face-to-face meeting. Once I started to go and read more about the disease I got a different perspective on how it worked and that this type of behavior was very common. Once I stepped away and stopped confronting him and letting my husband deal with the consequences of his behavior he had no other choice than to admit that he had a problem.
Sending you positive thoughts.
Iamhere said
Feb 9, 2017
Welcome back Saralin - so sorry for the confusion, pain and sadness you are having. I'm one that suggests also that you jump into recovery with both feet and work on you/your truths. When I began to have a bit of sanity returned, things did become more clear. I could easily see how I allowed the disease and the diseased to affect my thoughts, feelings, actions and reactions. I've since used the tools to detach and set boundaries so I no longer have to worry about what they (qualifiers) are doing, saying, truthful/not.
The disease brings a grand amount of denial to all involved. I chose to recover even though my qualifiers did not. Not always an easy place to be in, but I am way better today than before.
Hi Sarah . Alcoholism is a threefold chronic disease over which we are powerless. This disease affects the problem drinker spiritually, emotionally and physically and recovery can be found in AA meetings and is a process. Lying, denying reality is a negative tool alcoholics use to protect their disease and are part of the disease. In order to protect the disease and the drinking alcoholics will deny reality so that they can continue doing what they need to do.
Al-Anon is a recovery program for family members who have dealt with this insanity and need a recovery program of their own. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number in the white pages. Here I learned that I was powerless over people places and things that I was responsible for taking care of my own self and I developed healthy tools to live by.
I suggest you check out the meetings, and keep coming back
Before AlAnon I had exhausted myself pleading, threatening, and trying to change the behavior of a loved one who drank. It was in my first meeting of AlAnon that I began to understand the disease, but more importantly, what I could do differently to reduce the insanity I was feeling and find some desperately needed peace.
Please find your way to an AlAnon meeting, find an AlAnon book to read, and spend some more time here reading about the Experience and success others have had using the wisdom of AlAnon, the Strength and Hope they have gained as a result. Glad you're back
Unfortunately lying and blaming their bad behavior on others is the nature of the disease. My husband use to lie about everything. It used to drive me crazy and I literally almost had a breakdown before I found this program. My only suggestion would try and get to a face-to-face meeting. Once I started to go and read more about the disease I got a different perspective on how it worked and that this type of behavior was very common. Once I stepped away and stopped confronting him and letting my husband deal with the consequences of his behavior he had no other choice than to admit that he had a problem.
Sending you positive thoughts.
The disease brings a grand amount of denial to all involved. I chose to recover even though my qualifiers did not. Not always an easy place to be in, but I am way better today than before.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers!