Hey Everyone! I am new to the group so please bare with me. I will go ahead and say I'm not a good writer and have awful spelling/grammer. LOL! I do however have a sense of humor(dry).
I am dating a man(for 2 years), when we met he had moved in with his PaPaw(grandfather) to take care of him because he is 90 years old. I felt this was an admiral quality. We hit it off and enjoyed spending time together. Soon after PaPaw's wife passed away. This is when I met his family. About 6 months into our relationship his mother showed up out of the blew. We then found out she had gotten drunk and had a physical fight with her daughter. She said she wanted to visit a few weeks(something along those lines). 1 year and 6 months later she is still there. She won't leave. My boyfriend has asked her to leave. In the meantime, they can't afford to eat or pay their bills. My boyfriend can't pay his bills because he is trying to maintain bills and food for 3 people instead of 2 now. She came in took over all the positive things they had put in place. PaPaw is an addict to scratch offs. If Papaw has $100 in his pocket he will spend all of it on scratch offs. My boyfriend's mother says, "Aww he's a 90 year old man and if that is what he wants to do with his money then he has that right." It has become a viscious cycle. I know my boyfriend has dealt with this his whole life. he has no support from anyone in his family because they are all alcoholics. I know they think this is norm but jeez no food, heat, power. I feel awful for PaPaw to be 90 and to live his last years neglected. My boyfriend is distancing himself from me because he is ashamed, guilty, etc and feels I deserve better. I don't even know how to begin to understand, help or support him. I was in an abusive marriage for 15 years. I left after watching my son treat me as his Dad was treating me. I have been very vocal about how I feel with my boyfriends dynamics because I don't want to lose myself in becoming a victum or enabler. I don't know how to help the man who taught me to trust in love again. Any suggestions or resources???
Hope this makes sense!!
Mat said
Feb 7, 2017
I think I just read no one can give solutions, ideas, etc. Can someone give me a resource then? Or is that not allowed....not sure what i'm doing, HAHAHA.
SerenityRUS said
Feb 7, 2017
LOL .. Mat .. welcome and glad you are here .. Alanon is a program of support and it is discouraged from giving advice. We do share Experience Strength and Hope. ESH. Honestly take what you like and leave the rest, sometimes what has been shared I'm not ready for sometimes what is shared I just don't agree with on my core belief side .. it's my responsibility of what I do with my own choices. No one else lives with the consequences good or bad except me.
I do encourage you to find an alanon meeting in your area and see if it's something that can help you without enabling him or causing stress in your relationship. Maybe it's something your bf would benefit from as well IF he's open to it.
These kinds of situations are difficult when it comes to a parent/child relationship anyway, that has been my experience with my XAH and his mother (both alcoholics and both very angry) and I'm watching some dynamics play out in a different way now with my current bf and he's XWife (it's an odd dynamic is putting it mildly).
What is working for me this time is listening without giving advice/judgement, being his safe place to say what he needs to say, setting my own boundaries and sticking to those.
I find that as I change my behavior those around me change as well .. it's like a pebble in a still pond .. some people react in a positive way .. some people not so much. My bf is experiencing this at the moment with his grown kids and his stbxw. I think it is important to recognize that after many years of the same behavior and at least this is true for me .. making changes is not easy and it is not overnight .. it's like if I'm 30lbs overweight I didn't get here over night it all took time and lack of action on my part.
Alanon does help because it forces me to put the focus back on me and allow the other people in my life to make their own decisions without my interference .. I constantly believe I have all the right answers and then remember all of a sudden that no I don't .. not everyone thinks like me.
Hugs and welcome lots of great people on the site here.
luv123 said
Feb 7, 2017
Welcome Welcome Welcome--u are so in the right place! I can relate to a lot of your thoughts and feelings. There is a lot of HOPE here as you come, read, share more, listen and apply some of what makes sense for your situation.
Resources:
Below are some more tools to consider to better understand more clearly what Al-anon is/does and how it may help.
(u can pick from many podcast topics on link below---there are also phone, online & and face to face meetings. Just go to www.al-anon.org & click on top left "find a meeting".)
-------The Best is yet to come for you--this program is a miracle if we apply the tools one day at a time in our lives, listen and learn.
Iamhere said
Feb 8, 2017
Welcome to MIP Mat - glad you found us and glad that you shared. Families are difficult when all are healthy - the dysfunction is usually limited. Add substance abuse or addiction and all dysfunction is magnified. Al-Anon is all about understanding how alcoholism affect us (those who care about another) and how to set boundaries, detach from the dysfunction and limit the damage as best we can.
Glad that yo joined right in - there is hope and help in recovery and you are not alone!
Hey Everyone! I am new to the group so please bare with me. I will go ahead and say I'm not a good writer and have awful spelling/grammer. LOL! I do however have a sense of humor(dry).
I am dating a man(for 2 years), when we met he had moved in with his PaPaw(grandfather) to take care of him because he is 90 years old. I felt this was an admiral quality. We hit it off and enjoyed spending time together. Soon after PaPaw's wife passed away. This is when I met his family. About 6 months into our relationship his mother showed up out of the blew. We then found out she had gotten drunk and had a physical fight with her daughter. She said she wanted to visit a few weeks(something along those lines). 1 year and 6 months later she is still there. She won't leave. My boyfriend has asked her to leave. In the meantime, they can't afford to eat or pay their bills. My boyfriend can't pay his bills because he is trying to maintain bills and food for 3 people instead of 2 now. She came in took over all the positive things they had put in place. PaPaw is an addict to scratch offs. If Papaw has $100 in his pocket he will spend all of it on scratch offs. My boyfriend's mother says, "Aww he's a 90 year old man and if that is what he wants to do with his money then he has that right." It has become a viscious cycle. I know my boyfriend has dealt with this his whole life. he has no support from anyone in his family because they are all alcoholics. I know they think this is norm but jeez no food, heat, power. I feel awful for PaPaw to be 90 and to live his last years neglected. My boyfriend is distancing himself from me because he is ashamed, guilty, etc and feels I deserve better. I don't even know how to begin to understand, help or support him. I was in an abusive marriage for 15 years. I left after watching my son treat me as his Dad was treating me. I have been very vocal about how I feel with my boyfriends dynamics because I don't want to lose myself in becoming a victum or enabler. I don't know how to help the man who taught me to trust in love again. Any suggestions or resources???
Hope this makes sense!!
I do encourage you to find an alanon meeting in your area and see if it's something that can help you without enabling him or causing stress in your relationship. Maybe it's something your bf would benefit from as well IF he's open to it.
These kinds of situations are difficult when it comes to a parent/child relationship anyway, that has been my experience with my XAH and his mother (both alcoholics and both very angry) and I'm watching some dynamics play out in a different way now with my current bf and he's XWife (it's an odd dynamic is putting it mildly).
What is working for me this time is listening without giving advice/judgement, being his safe place to say what he needs to say, setting my own boundaries and sticking to those.
I find that as I change my behavior those around me change as well .. it's like a pebble in a still pond .. some people react in a positive way .. some people not so much. My bf is experiencing this at the moment with his grown kids and his stbxw. I think it is important to recognize that after many years of the same behavior and at least this is true for me .. making changes is not easy and it is not overnight .. it's like if I'm 30lbs overweight I didn't get here over night it all took time and lack of action on my part.
Alanon does help because it forces me to put the focus back on me and allow the other people in my life to make their own decisions without my interference .. I constantly believe I have all the right answers and then remember all of a sudden that no I don't .. not everyone thinks like me.
Hugs and welcome lots of great people on the site here.
Welcome Welcome Welcome--u are so in the right place! I can relate to a lot of your thoughts and feelings. There is a lot of HOPE here as you come, read, share more, listen and apply some of what makes sense for your situation.
Resources:
Below are some more tools to consider to better understand more clearly what Al-anon is/does and how it may help.
(u can pick from many podcast topics on link below---there are also phone, online & and face to face meetings. Just go to www.al-anon.org & click on top left "find a meeting".)
pod cast link: http://al-anon.alateen.org/Podcasts/FirstSteps/
20 Question self quizes to determine if Al-anon is right for you: http://www.al-anon.org/is-alanon-for-you
-------The Best is yet to come for you--this program is a miracle if we apply the tools one day at a time in our lives, listen and learn.
Glad that yo joined right in - there is hope and help in recovery and you are not alone!