So my AH has stopped drinking for 17 days. He did this on his own. He does not think he needs help with it. He says if he wanted a beer he would go drink one. He also told me a week or so ago that he was going to have a drink on his birthday (Feb. 9). I almost feel like he thinks he is rewarding himself for not drinking.
Since he has not been drinking, he has been home more. He has informed me that "this is the new him". He isn't going to drink anymore, and he is going to stay home with his family more. I told him I don't trust him. He has never shown that he would attempt this before, so why now? Is it because he knew I was so fed up with his behavior I was about to walk out? Is he now realizing that I am serious about being unhappy? Only took him a month to figure all that out after I looked at him and told him straight to his face. I have asked him for the last 2 years to start dinner before I got home with your son so we didn't have to eat so late and he never made that attempt until now. I have asked him for YEARS to either cut back on his drinking or quit and he never did until his mom said something to him. I asked him for years to be home more and not out hanging with the guys so much and he didn't until he realized that I was about to walk.
How am I supposed to trust him again? Will I?
Why am I so worried what other will think too about our messed up relationship? Should I be? If not, how to do I get over that thought?
hotrod said
Feb 7, 2017
Kzoomom I hear you and would like to suggest that alcoholism is a chronic , progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. It i s great that your hubby is attempting to stop on his own .
Learning how to trust an alcoholic and to be in a relationship without judging, blaming or critiquing is difficult and I found the only way i could do this was by attending several alanon face to face meeting in a week.
Please rememberthat what others think of us is unimportant- it is what we think that counts.
Please search out meetings and attend.
luv123 said
Feb 7, 2017
Thanks for your honest share--These are all such normal feelings to have when someone changes behavior so briefly and wants us to trust them when we have had years of the opposite. No one can say what is going on in someone else's head or if they are serious or not.
People must earn our trust over time--I learned boundaries in al-anon how to encourage the A without enabling them. How to care without being consumed. How to say things like "I want to trust you and hope this behavior lasts, but it will take time" Al-anon saved my sanity in huge ways. I had to do a lot of reading, get to many meetings, find ppl to share these things/feelings with, so I wouldn't have outbursts that I wasn't proud of. I learned how to focus on my part in this equation and allow the Alc. to be in charge of his part.
I didn't have to like my situation but I needed to find out how to like myself within it and Al-anon taught me that. I learned in here that I can have joy & contentment no matter if the A is drinking or not ...and it was suggested to me not to make any decisions until I had 6 months to a year of solid recovery under my belt, because I was likely to make a decision with less clear thinking (as long as I was not in physical jeopardy). I found here that I could live one day at a time and not focus on trying to predict the outcomes. I strongly suggest attending as many meetings as u can -lots of options. Here are a few:
Resources:
Below are some tools to consider & to better understand more clearly what Al-anon is/does and how it may help you.
(u can pick from many podcast topics on link below---there are also phone, online & and face to face meetings. Just go to www.al-anon.org & click on top left "find a meeting". Or call 1-888-4alanon)
I have just started going to meeings. I will be going back! I really enjoyed my first meeting. I have also been seeing a counselor for a few months now and he has told me that I have made some progress in knowing my strengths.
I am afraid that I have already told myself that I don't think I can trust him again. I also don't know if I want to give it 6 months to a year to see if I can trust him again. That seems like a long time, with the possibility of being let down again. I feel like I could have moved on and found my happy place again.
I have been so hurt and lonely for so long. I felt like everything I have ever said to him over the years has fell on deaf ears.
The hard part is that he doesn't think he has a drinking problem. Because he has gone 17 days so far, he probably thinks he can go longer. When is the day he will "reward" himself for doing so well??
hotrod said
Feb 7, 2017
((Kzoomom)) even if you leave the relationship you will still find that you have developed many negative destructive attitudes that will not budge even if you are not in an alcohoic relationship That is wher attending aalnon meetings and working the program will help
MissM said
Feb 8, 2017
Identifying your strengths is great; an awesome thing to focus on. Helps you realise that no matter what he does or doesn't do, you can be just fine anyway.
Unfortunately there's just no way to predict what he will or wont do and also no way to really know what other people think. Often what people say they think isn't what they really think anyway so trying to work it out is a great way to go crazy!
What do you want to be able to trust exactly? That he will have better intentions, or that he will do his best, or that he won't be sick anymore, or...see once again it's kind of a good way to drive yourself crazy. You just can't accurately predict what someone else will do. It's impossible.
I think, always being aware that he is capable of poor behavior and having a plan B is good, but beyond that we can really only go forward by staying in the present and putting one foot in front of the other. If things are good now I would personally enjoy them (with plan B in place) and if things go south then you'll know what to do.
Trust is a big thing that you're under no obligation to feel in my opinion. It's a spiritual truth not a transaction or something we owe to people!! (I think, anyway).
Iamhere said
Feb 8, 2017
kzoomom - so glad to hear that you made it to a meeting and plan to return. I'm with Betty - the disease affects us in many, many ways -- often we don't even know how deeply until we see the patterns emerge. Many of my own destructive coping mechanisms and thinking carried forward even when my circumstances changed.
Al-Anon gave me the best possible plan for continuous, genuine serenity and joy - keep my focus on me, work with my HP for my joy and realize that others are not responsible for my emotional state - negatively or positively. I've learned in Al-Anon that I can choose a positive attitude and joy even if those around me are sick, moody, active in disease, etc.
I spent way too many years looking at others, what they were/were not doing, how they were feeling, etc....I know see that I wasted a ton of life expecting others to make me happy or to 'complete me'. I no longer feel this is 'realistic' in any way, shape or form. Those who are a part of my life today no longer have any power to affect my actions, thoughts or deeds.
Living my life aligned with Al-Anon as best as I can gives me peace of mind greater than ever before. For me, the answers are in the program and I learn more all the time - about me, about how I view things, about how my mind works, etc. Align with the program and you shall see - the best is yet to come!!
Keep coming back!
Aerin said
Feb 10, 2017
Oh wow..
this was me almost 5 months ago. He would get to 15-17 days by himself and then blow it. Not until he went to AA did he "get it". And He had to want that for himself. Literally when I put up boundaries and ignores him when he drank, he really did start to see how crappy his drinking was
and he couldn't do it alone. Until he decides that for himself, and you choose to stay, Alanon is a lifesaver even though in the beginning I just couldn't do many of the "steps"
So my AH has stopped drinking for 17 days. He did this on his own. He does not think he needs help with it. He says if he wanted a beer he would go drink one. He also told me a week or so ago that he was going to have a drink on his birthday (Feb. 9). I almost feel like he thinks he is rewarding himself for not drinking.
Since he has not been drinking, he has been home more. He has informed me that "this is the new him". He isn't going to drink anymore, and he is going to stay home with his family more. I told him I don't trust him. He has never shown that he would attempt this before, so why now? Is it because he knew I was so fed up with his behavior I was about to walk out? Is he now realizing that I am serious about being unhappy? Only took him a month to figure all that out after I looked at him and told him straight to his face. I have asked him for the last 2 years to start dinner before I got home with your son so we didn't have to eat so late and he never made that attempt until now. I have asked him for YEARS to either cut back on his drinking or quit and he never did until his mom said something to him. I asked him for years to be home more and not out hanging with the guys so much and he didn't until he realized that I was about to walk.
How am I supposed to trust him again? Will I?
Why am I so worried what other will think too about our messed up relationship? Should I be? If not, how to do I get over that thought?
Kzoomom I hear you and would like to suggest that alcoholism is a chronic , progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. It i s great that your hubby is attempting to stop on his own .
Learning how to trust an alcoholic and to be in a relationship without judging, blaming or critiquing is difficult and I found the only way i could do this was by attending several alanon face to face meeting in a week.
Please rememberthat what others think of us is unimportant- it is what we think that counts.
Please search out meetings and attend.
Thanks for your honest share--These are all such normal feelings to have when someone changes behavior so briefly and wants us to trust them when we have had years of the opposite. No one can say what is going on in someone else's head or if they are serious or not.
People must earn our trust over time--I learned boundaries in al-anon how to encourage the A without enabling them. How to care without being consumed. How to say things like "I want to trust you and hope this behavior lasts, but it will take time" Al-anon saved my sanity in huge ways. I had to do a lot of reading, get to many meetings, find ppl to share these things/feelings with, so I wouldn't have outbursts that I wasn't proud of. I learned how to focus on my part in this equation and allow the Alc. to be in charge of his part.
I didn't have to like my situation but I needed to find out how to like myself within it and Al-anon taught me that. I learned in here that I can have joy & contentment no matter if the A is drinking or not ...and it was suggested to me not to make any decisions until I had 6 months to a year of solid recovery under my belt, because I was likely to make a decision with less clear thinking (as long as I was not in physical jeopardy). I found here that I could live one day at a time and not focus on trying to predict the outcomes. I strongly suggest attending as many meetings as u can -lots of options. Here are a few:
Resources:
Below are some tools to consider & to better understand more clearly what Al-anon is/does and how it may help you.
(u can pick from many podcast topics on link below---there are also phone, online & and face to face meetings. Just go to www.al-anon.org & click on top left "find a meeting". Or call 1-888-4alanon)
pod cast link: http://al-anon.alateen.org/Podcasts/FirstSteps/
20 Question self quizes to determine if Al-anon is right for you: http://www.al-anon.org/is-alanon-for-you
Wishing you all the best because you deserve it!
((Kzoomom)) even if you leave the relationship you will still find that you have developed many negative destructive attitudes that will not budge even if you are not in an alcohoic relationship That is wher attending aalnon meetings and working the program will help
Unfortunately there's just no way to predict what he will or wont do and also no way to really know what other people think. Often what people say they think isn't what they really think anyway so trying to work it out is a great way to go crazy!
What do you want to be able to trust exactly? That he will have better intentions, or that he will do his best, or that he won't be sick anymore, or...see once again it's kind of a good way to drive yourself crazy. You just can't accurately predict what someone else will do. It's impossible.
I think, always being aware that he is capable of poor behavior and having a plan B is good, but beyond that we can really only go forward by staying in the present and putting one foot in front of the other. If things are good now I would personally enjoy them (with plan B in place) and if things go south then you'll know what to do.
Trust is a big thing that you're under no obligation to feel in my opinion. It's a spiritual truth not a transaction or something we owe to people!! (I think, anyway).
Al-Anon gave me the best possible plan for continuous, genuine serenity and joy - keep my focus on me, work with my HP for my joy and realize that others are not responsible for my emotional state - negatively or positively. I've learned in Al-Anon that I can choose a positive attitude and joy even if those around me are sick, moody, active in disease, etc.
I spent way too many years looking at others, what they were/were not doing, how they were feeling, etc....I know see that I wasted a ton of life expecting others to make me happy or to 'complete me'. I no longer feel this is 'realistic' in any way, shape or form. Those who are a part of my life today no longer have any power to affect my actions, thoughts or deeds.
Living my life aligned with Al-Anon as best as I can gives me peace of mind greater than ever before. For me, the answers are in the program and I learn more all the time - about me, about how I view things, about how my mind works, etc. Align with the program and you shall see - the best is yet to come!!
Keep coming back!