I dont say these words lightly. I truely have lost all hope. Today my recovering told me he had never had romantic feelings for me. I am utterly devistated. other areas of my life are such a mess. I was hoping he was the one good thing in my life. How the hell can you spend 2.5 years with someone tallkimg about a relationship and feelings. And now say you dont have any. I can't sleep cause I truly dont wanna wake up in the AM.
FHP said
Feb 5, 2017
I know that feeling. I'm so sorry you are feeling it too, it's so hard. He is speaking from his own illness, and that doesn't reflect anything about you as much as it does about him. What I've learned from the times I've felt like that is that I don't want to die as much as I want the pain to be gone and can't imagine it ever will be. But it does get better, one way or another. I don't have any answers really, except that you are worth iiving for, no matter what he does.
milkwood said
Feb 5, 2017
Hello Tealfighter,
Those are very difficult feelings that you are talking about and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
There are many times that my AH has said hurtful things to me. I do not understand why, and I don't need to. The things that he says say more about his pain and hurt and how he feels about himself than they do about who I am. I do not have to take them personally, even if I would like to feel his love.
It used to seem to me that when AH felt bad about himself he pushed me away all the harder and the most loving thing I learnt to do was to say ok, here is some space, I am learning to find the good things in my own life and when you are ready I'd love you to come and share those good things with me.
I found that my pain came from trying to ask someone else to behave in ways that felt unnatural to them in that moment - I was thinking that I knew just what 'we' needed and I thought that I could bend my own needs to suit his, so why shouldn't he. But to be honest, that was his choice to make.
Now when someone says something that feels hurtful to me I acknowledge the feelings that I am having - Am I angry? If so what with? Why? Do I feel abandoned? Do I really need someone else to make my breathing and living worthwhile? Whatever it is that I am feeling then I give that crying child in me what she seems to need - a hug and some comfort, encouragement to seek out something life-affirming - even it is just a cup of hot chocolate or tear stained writing in my journal.
I agree with FHP, and have heard it from others who have been suicidal - wanting the pain to go away is completely understandable, but that doesn't necessarily mean that we want to die (although that can often be the sad consequence. ) .
Do you have someone to talk to other than your partner? Can you share with us, or remind yourself, of some of the thoughts and the dreams that you have had for yourself in the past? Someone has let you down badly, but that does not mean that we have to join in and hurt ourselves as well.
Sending (((((hugs)))))
FHP said
Feb 5, 2017
This is what I needed to hear tonight too, thank you, Milkwood:
"when my AH felt bad about himself he pushed me away all the harder and the most loving thing I learned to do was say ok, here is some space."
That is so hard for me to remember when my AH pushes me away. It hurts so much, even though I know it's his own pain and sickness that makes him do it.
But I do have good things in my life, when I can open my eyes to them. Even if I've been confined to bed for the past few years, there's an apple tree I can see fom my window. Even though I can't visit my grandkids, I can talk to them via computer. Gratitude is a balm for the pain. And I can give my own little one inside me hugs and love.
Tealfighter, you aren't alone. This is a good place. i'm glad you posted.
tealfighter said
Feb 5, 2017
My two closes female friends say that he doesnt mean it. That he is just in a bad place. I thought they were just trying to comfort me. Now I see they may be right. That gives me tramendous comfort. My mom is so heart broken watching me go through this. She wants me to move on. I want to so bad. But I love him more than I ever have anyone.
milkwood said
Feb 5, 2017
This is indeed a very special place and it is good to know that we are all connected one way or another.
Of course it is heartbreaking for those who love us to see us getting hurt. It is heartbreaking enough for us when we can see what it is we are doing as well! .
Tealfighter, I'm not sure if I'll be able to explain myself well enough here, and this is just about my journey...
I found that by loving and learning to look after myself I was also taking the pressure off my husband and that felt like a loving thing for me to do, not just for myself, but for him too.
When I was hurting I think that from his point of view I was simply adding to the shame he felt. That doesn't mean that I didn't hurt - I did! But it did mean that taking care of my own self-esteem came to matter to me, and it was, I like to believe, more protective of my husband as well. I discovered it like stepping stones, just finding my way step by step, staying gentle with myself and others, on so many different levels. And I didn't always get it right, but my mistakes were just part of the learning process and it got easier over time.
Because of who I am and how much I like to give, it was, initially, easier for me to practise self care in a loving way and do it for my husband. I had no idea at the time that I needed to care for and protect and love myself just as much, if not more, than I loved him if I was to be of any use to anyone in the long term!! The process was, and is, ultimately fun because it centres around learning what it is that inspires me and makes me feel good and in-tune with my own life force.
I am fairly sure that my husband loved me very much indeed throughout his most abusive days - but that does not mean that I was being in any way helpful or loving by trying to tolerate his hurtful insults or abusiveness. It took courage for me to draw my boundaries and it took a long time to learn this and to find the right balance for me, but there is a path out there for each of us where we can, rather surprisingly, learn to enjoy our lives again.
I hope that you are sleeping as peacefully as I am imagining while I type this note to you. ((((Hugs))))
FHP (((hugs))) - that apple tree sounds beautiful - their blossom is so pretty in the Spring and all of that luscious fruit in the Autumn is beyond belief isn't it, plus, in my neck of the woods, the birds love visiting as well! Truly bountiful!! And you are so right about that balm - who knew!!!
hotrod said
Feb 5, 2017
((Teafighter))) Please do reach out for support from your alanon face to face meeting or call "911" if you continue to feel so devastated. You are important and your life valuable. Remember that "feelings" change in a relationship and can grow deeper and more meaningful as we change.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way
Iamhere said
Feb 5, 2017
(((tealfighter))) - sending you hugs, positive thoughts and prayers. Please know you are not alone and there is help available.
el-cee said
Feb 5, 2017
I'm sorry you feel so bad and you don't want to live. It's an awful dark place to be. I feel for you your mother and your partner. Alcoholism effects us all everyone it comes in to contact with.
Putting you happiness into the hands of anyone especially an alcoholic is a dangerous choice to make. It makes you very vulnerable and puts others in charge of your life. Other people especially an alcoholic can't take on that kind of responsibility to make your life worth living. Unfortunately or fortunately that's our own sole responsibility. There's hope in that because you have complete control over your own life and you have everything you need to improve it and make it worth living. It's not dependant on anyone else. Alanon meetings in your community will get you a support network and a brand new bright way to look at life. I hope you get that. You deserve it.
Jerry F said
Feb 5, 2017
The support here is amazing!! and the love reaction to something most often seen as hurtful is astounding. Only in recovery have I witness the strength and recovery that comes from within our disease. Teal there is so much healing to learn and just a smidgen of what I was taught caused me awe at the understanding in the fellowship. I learned that my vision and understanding was very narrow and that where I thought she was attempting to place hurt on me might also be that she was expressing trust in my ability to listen and understand without taking it personally. At first I did and it hurt just as you have felt hurt and then I felt compassion and understanding that she was trusting my ability to understand and continue to be there for her. That was amazing to come about that way which was the right way. Often times my first reaction was not the best. Keep coming back and mahalo for your trust. ((((hugs))))
Stan1 said
Feb 5, 2017
Teal, I felt this pain and hopelessness 25 yrs ago when my AH told me in the throws of the disease that he never loved me and was never happy. I was devastated and couldn't understand how when we had shared so many years of good times and countless pictures of his smiling face. Luckily I found a great counselor who guided me to alanon. I was apprehensive that first meeting but knew by the end of the night I was in the right place. I attended faithfully and began to grow again , this time healtheir with the kindness and support of my new family. While I was busy taking better care of myself my AH chose the road to recovery. June 2016 we celebrated our 50th Anniversary (with Pepsi:)
tealfighter said
Feb 6, 2017
Thank you all. Being able to read about your experiences and being able to talk about everything has helped me tremendously. I bought and started reading one of the Al-Anon books and I plan to attend a meeting for the very first time tomorrow night. I am very scared to go to the meeting. I have become so depressed about my life. More than just the thing with my recovering alcoholic. I barely leave the house. I am scared. I am scared I will learn to live with out him. More importantly I am scared he will learn to live with out me. I know it is all just fear and I will be ok either way. But the fact that he may have never actually felt romantically about me is still a bit devastating.
Stan1 said
Feb 6, 2017
First things First Teal, you health and well-being are priority right now. So glad you are going to your first meeting. Just remember we all walked through the door of our first meeting and we're still here. Just keep coming back (((hugs)))
tealfighter said
Feb 7, 2017
Thank you all for your encouragement. Just got home from my first meeting. I am so excited for the future.
kaotob said
Feb 8, 2017
34 years ago I was devastated to find find out that my husband was having an affair, and I had thought I had the perfect marriage. Today I can say that I am glad it happened as it got both of us into programs of recovery. There were periods when I wanted to end my life because it was the only way I could see to end the pain. I have since found out that working towards developing relationships with people in the program to help me get through, and also developing a relationship with a Higher Power has given me the strength to hold on until the worst of the pain passes.
Congratulations on going to your first meeting - it takes a lot of courage. And it is the first step on your road to recovery.
Hugs and prayers,
Kelly
milkwood said
Feb 8, 2017
I love the sound of that excitement Tealfighter - yay!!! ((((hugs))))
Hello Katob - welcome to MIP and thank you for joining us and for the reminder that whatever it is that brings us here, recovery does feel good.
el-cee said
Feb 8, 2017
I love that you are excited for the future, its such a powerful program from the very beginning, good for you for reaching out, keep going and going it gets better and better.
hotrod said
Feb 8, 2017
Good work T. Keep coming back
Iamhere said
Feb 8, 2017
Great job Tealfighter - so glad you made it to a meeting and have hope! Keep going, one day at a time!
Welcome to MIP Kelly (kaotob) - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in!
Keep coming back all!
tiredtonite said
Feb 8, 2017
I was so happy to read your follow up post which said you were hopeful about the future after attending your first meeting. You're worth it.
I dont say these words lightly. I truely have lost all hope. Today my recovering told me he had never had romantic feelings for me. I am utterly devistated. other areas of my life are such a mess. I was hoping he was the one good thing in my life. How the hell can you spend 2.5 years with someone tallkimg about a relationship and feelings. And now say you dont have any. I can't sleep cause I truly dont wanna wake up in the AM.
I know that feeling. I'm so sorry you are feeling it too, it's so hard. He is speaking from his own illness, and that doesn't reflect anything about you as much as it does about him. What I've learned from the times I've felt like that is that I don't want to die as much as I want the pain to be gone and can't imagine it ever will be. But it does get better, one way or another. I don't have any answers really, except that you are worth iiving for, no matter what he does.
Hello Tealfighter,
) .
Those are very difficult feelings that you are talking about and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
There are many times that my AH has said hurtful things to me. I do not understand why, and I don't need to. The things that he says say more about his pain and hurt and how he feels about himself than they do about who I am. I do not have to take them personally, even if I would like to feel his love.
It used to seem to me that when AH felt bad about himself he pushed me away all the harder and the most loving thing I learnt to do was to say ok, here is some space, I am learning to find the good things in my own life and when you are ready I'd love you to come and share those good things with me.
I found that my pain came from trying to ask someone else to behave in ways that felt unnatural to them in that moment - I was thinking that I knew just what 'we' needed and I thought that I could bend my own needs to suit his, so why shouldn't he. But to be honest, that was his choice to make.
Now when someone says something that feels hurtful to me I acknowledge the feelings that I am having - Am I angry? If so what with? Why? Do I feel abandoned? Do I really need someone else to make my breathing and living worthwhile? Whatever it is that I am feeling then I give that crying child in me what she seems to need - a hug and some comfort, encouragement to seek out something life-affirming - even it is just a cup of hot chocolate or tear stained writing in my journal.
I agree with FHP, and have heard it from others who have been suicidal - wanting the pain to go away is completely understandable, but that doesn't necessarily mean that we want to die (although that can often be the sad consequence.
Do you have someone to talk to other than your partner? Can you share with us, or remind yourself, of some of the thoughts and the dreams that you have had for yourself in the past? Someone has let you down badly, but that does not mean that we have to join in and hurt ourselves as well.
Sending (((((hugs)))))
"when my AH felt bad about himself he pushed me away all the harder and the most loving thing I learned to do was say ok, here is some space."
That is so hard for me to remember when my AH pushes me away. It hurts so much, even though I know it's his own pain and sickness that makes him do it.
But I do have good things in my life, when I can open my eyes to them. Even if I've been confined to bed for the past few years, there's an apple tree I can see fom my window. Even though I can't visit my grandkids, I can talk to them via computer. Gratitude is a balm for the pain. And I can give my own little one inside me hugs and love.
Tealfighter, you aren't alone. This is a good place. i'm glad you posted.
Of course it is heartbreaking for those who love us to see us getting hurt. It is heartbreaking enough for us when we can see what it is we are doing as well!
Tealfighter, I'm not sure if I'll be able to explain myself well enough here, and this is just about my journey...
I found that by loving and learning to look after myself I was also taking the pressure off my husband and that felt like a loving thing for me to do, not just for myself, but for him too.
When I was hurting I think that from his point of view I was simply adding to the shame he felt. That doesn't mean that I didn't hurt - I did! But it did mean that taking care of my own self-esteem came to matter to me, and it was, I like to believe, more protective of my husband as well. I discovered it like stepping stones, just finding my way step by step, staying gentle with myself and others, on so many different levels. And I didn't always get it right, but my mistakes were just part of the learning process and it got easier over time.
Because of who I am and how much I like to give, it was, initially, easier for me to practise self care in a loving way and do it for my husband. I had no idea at the time that I needed to care for and protect and love myself just as much, if not more, than I loved him if I was to be of any use to anyone in the long term!! The process was, and is, ultimately fun because it centres around learning what it is that inspires me and makes me feel good and in-tune with my own life force.
I am fairly sure that my husband loved me very much indeed throughout his most abusive days - but that does not mean that I was being in any way helpful or loving by trying to tolerate his hurtful insults or abusiveness. It took courage for me to draw my boundaries and it took a long time to learn this and to find the right balance for me, but there is a path out there for each of us where we can, rather surprisingly, learn to enjoy our lives again.
I hope that you are sleeping as peacefully as I am imagining while I type this note to you. ((((Hugs))))
FHP (((hugs))) - that apple tree sounds beautiful - their blossom is so pretty in the Spring and all of that luscious fruit in the Autumn is beyond belief isn't it, plus, in my neck of the woods, the birds love visiting as well! Truly bountiful!! And you are so right about that balm - who knew!!!
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way
The support here is amazing!! and the love reaction to something most often seen as hurtful is astounding. Only in recovery have I witness the strength and recovery that comes from within our disease. Teal there is so much healing to learn and just a smidgen of what I was taught caused me awe at the understanding in the fellowship. I learned that my vision and understanding was very narrow and that where I thought she was attempting to place hurt on me might also be that she was expressing trust in my ability to listen and understand without taking it personally. At first I did and it hurt just as you have felt hurt and then I felt compassion and understanding that she was trusting my ability to understand and continue to be there for her. That was amazing to come about that way which was the right way. Often times my first reaction was not the best. Keep coming back and mahalo for your trust. ((((hugs))))
Teal, I felt this pain and hopelessness 25 yrs ago when my AH told me in the throws of the disease that he never loved me and was never happy. I was devastated and couldn't understand how when we had shared so many years of good times and countless pictures of his smiling face. Luckily I found a great counselor who guided me to alanon. I was apprehensive that first meeting but knew by the end of the night I was in the right place. I attended faithfully and began to grow again , this time healtheir with the kindness and support of my new family. While I was busy taking better care of myself my AH chose the road to recovery. June 2016 we celebrated our 50th Anniversary (with Pepsi:)
Thank you all. Being able to read about your experiences and being able to talk about everything has helped me tremendously. I bought and started reading one of the Al-Anon books and I plan to attend a meeting for the very first time tomorrow night. I am very scared to go to the meeting. I have become so depressed about my life. More than just the thing with my recovering alcoholic. I barely leave the house. I am scared. I am scared I will learn to live with out him. More importantly I am scared he will learn to live with out me. I know it is all just fear and I will be ok either way. But the fact that he may have never actually felt romantically about me is still a bit devastating.
Congratulations on going to your first meeting - it takes a lot of courage. And it is the first step on your road to recovery.
Hugs and prayers,
Kelly
Hello Katob - welcome to MIP and thank you for joining us and for the reminder that whatever it is that brings us here, recovery does feel good.
Welcome to MIP Kelly (kaotob) - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in!
Keep coming back all!
I was so happy to read your follow up post which said you were hopeful about the future after attending your first meeting. You're worth it.
In support,
TT