1. So what is this blame thing about, the alcoholic/addict always wants to blame everyone else for their sorrows?
2. And what should be our response to this verbally and otherwise?
I was married to a dry alcoholic and he was always blaming everyone else for his situation, he blamed the government, the dog, the weather, the neighbors etc, etc......
My son was a drinker for many years, I could never tell him it was no ones fault but his own, he didnt want to hear it.
Linsc
Jerry F said
Feb 4, 2017
lin that is what defense is all about and we hear it everywhere from so many people. Accepting responsibility was very hard for me when I first got into recovery yet when I did the war was over and I could grow. Good post. ((((hugs))))
SerenityRUS said
Feb 4, 2017
I agree with Jerry, even in working my own program .. one day my oldest got tired of me going on about something and said you know .. when you point your finger at someone else there are 3 more pointing back at you .. LOL .. UGH .. out of the mouths of babes .. it was the shock I needed to take a different approach. It did force the issue of what was my part and that's when I do my best growing.
This has always seemed to be a core issue with people who can't accept responsibility for the consequences of their own choices. It is what it is ..
Its' kind of like why does the alcoholic drink? It's a sunny day, it's a cloudy day, it's a bad day, it was a good day, .. bottom line .. they drink because that's what addicts do.
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Feb 4, 2017
Hey Linsc - I also believe the denial plays a huge role in defensiveness. I recall the first time I heard J-A-D-E....it was here in Al-Anon and I thought - well....that's awesome - but ... wait a minute - I've been doing all 4 for my entire life!! Mind you, when I arrived here, I was sober in AA for more than 20 years!
While I know the other side of the program works the same steps, and the recovery is personal, I had not honestly processed that justifying, arguing, defending and over-explaining were all parts of denial. As with many others, I used these with the best of intentions at the time. What I've found in working the steps in Al-Anon is that each of these for me were part of the disease that I tried to use (not successfully) to build myself up, 'win', prove others wrong/sicker than me, etc.
So - I hear you and understand...my sons say the craziest things and I've decided that it's my job to just listen and not roll my eyes. That's my best response at times for the situation at hand - no response at all...
(((Hugs)))
a4l said
Feb 5, 2017
Straight out I've said to all of my qualifiers that according to them, it's always someone elses fault and never their own. In a sarcastic and condescending manner. So that is how not to approach the issue lol. But i do hear you. Its mind boggling. I think its how we learn JADE as a communication style. One side needs to maintain denial, the other side scrambles around people pleasing, boundary bending, figuring out truth.......its so awful. I know we all have a source of hurt somewhere, every human being. It can be so hard to stop that being the go to response for every situation. These days i just don't sympathise or say much other than mmmhmm.
hotrod said
Feb 5, 2017
Lin I have learned to say: "I hear you and that sounds terrible, I found if I look for my small part in a situation and correct it, then I feel better. Can you see anything you might be able to change in the situation?" It sometimes takes the conversation in a better direction because I have not attacked and have validated that i heard the complaint .
LinSC said
Feb 5, 2017
"I heard you and that sounds terrible"
"Can you see anything you might be able to change in the situation?"
These are great statements, the first "validation" and the second handing the problem back to the person.
Thank You Hot Rod.
hotrod said
Feb 5, 2017
el-cee said
Feb 6, 2017
I think the blame thing is about denial of the reality of our situation. Blame isnt just the shortcoming of the drinker. I blamed the drinker big time, for everything that went wrong in my life. Blaming allowed me to not take responsibility for my own choices, behaviours and happiness. Blaming gave me a scapegoat, the alcoholic in my life was the cause of my misery and I truly believed this. I think most newcomers come with this belief that their life will only get better when the drinker stops drinking. Their unhappiness is caused by the drinker. Its a lie, the big pretence we live in. I lived like this for years and years, its hard to believe now that i'm out in the light. I love how alanon helped me see my part in my life, all of it and in a beautiful way that I didnt have to blame myself either. So the very idea of blame does not really have a place in my life anymore. I dont need to have someone or something to blame for every occurance, I can mostly accept things and people as just being what or who they are within that moment and maybe its noone to blame, it just is.
This is freedom, letting go of this major shortcoming. I think the opposite of blame is understanding and compassion for self and others.
luv123 said
Feb 6, 2017
Thanks for that Hotrod--I also like that u focus on yourself in those statements--basically saying: "this sometimes works for me..." rather than "u should try..."
One time I simply said "not guilty" and walked away, other times I practice my phonics (as they say): "Mmmm" "Ohhhh" "I C", "Huh"
or one time I said "I really don't know how to respond to that" & didn't. I have a friend who says "u know, I can't be my best self right now, so I am not responding to that right now" I keep my dignity and don't get "into it" because I cannot win against the insanity of the disease nor can I or should I try and figure the insanity out. That leads me to insanity or imbalanced thinking.
pinkchip said
Feb 11, 2017
The disease and mindset of an alcoholic is to be chronically restless, irritable, and discontent. They drink to try to numb this state and the disease manufactures more of it so they have a "reason" to continue drinking and acting that way. If a person was to truly believe, most of theit problems were of their own making, they would make changes such as working a program and really embracing true recovery. Active alcoholics and dry drunks aren't ready for that and they go to absurd lengths to avoid rigorous honesty. Denial is the name of the game. Gaslighting too.
For you...use your alanon program and hand their disease right back in a detached buy assertive and kind way. I.e...."Sorry you feel so upset but I am not taking blame for that or arguing over it. I guess we just will have to agree to disagree." Then walk away. Don't be an ear or an audience for the BS.
1. So what is this blame thing about, the alcoholic/addict always wants to blame everyone else for their sorrows?
2. And what should be our response to this verbally and otherwise?
I was married to a dry alcoholic and he was always blaming everyone else for his situation, he blamed the government, the dog, the weather, the neighbors etc, etc......
My son was a drinker for many years, I could never tell him it was no ones fault but his own, he didnt want to hear it.
Linsc
lin that is what defense is all about and we hear it everywhere from so many people. Accepting responsibility was very hard for me when I first got into recovery yet when I did the war was over and I could grow. Good post. ((((hugs))))
This has always seemed to be a core issue with people who can't accept responsibility for the consequences of their own choices. It is what it is ..
Its' kind of like why does the alcoholic drink? It's a sunny day, it's a cloudy day, it's a bad day, it was a good day, .. bottom line .. they drink because that's what addicts do.
Hugs S :)
While I know the other side of the program works the same steps, and the recovery is personal, I had not honestly processed that justifying, arguing, defending and over-explaining were all parts of denial. As with many others, I used these with the best of intentions at the time. What I've found in working the steps in Al-Anon is that each of these for me were part of the disease that I tried to use (not successfully) to build myself up, 'win', prove others wrong/sicker than me, etc.
So - I hear you and understand...my sons say the craziest things and I've decided that it's my job to just listen and not roll my eyes. That's my best response at times for the situation at hand - no response at all...
(((Hugs)))
Lin I have learned to say: "I hear you and that sounds terrible, I found if I look for my small part in a situation and correct it, then I feel better. Can you see anything you might be able to change in the situation?" It sometimes takes the conversation in a better direction because I have not attacked and have validated that i heard the complaint .
"I heard you and that sounds terrible"
"Can you see anything you might be able to change in the situation?"
These are great statements, the first "validation" and the second handing the problem back to the person.
Thank You Hot Rod.
I think the blame thing is about denial of the reality of our situation. Blame isnt just the shortcoming of the drinker. I blamed the drinker big time, for everything that went wrong in my life. Blaming allowed me to not take responsibility for my own choices, behaviours and happiness. Blaming gave me a scapegoat, the alcoholic in my life was the cause of my misery and I truly believed this. I think most newcomers come with this belief that their life will only get better when the drinker stops drinking. Their unhappiness is caused by the drinker. Its a lie, the big pretence we live in. I lived like this for years and years, its hard to believe now that i'm out in the light. I love how alanon helped me see my part in my life, all of it and in a beautiful way that I didnt have to blame myself either. So the very idea of blame does not really have a place in my life anymore. I dont need to have someone or something to blame for every occurance, I can mostly accept things and people as just being what or who they are within that moment and maybe its noone to blame, it just is.
This is freedom, letting go of this major shortcoming. I think the opposite of blame is understanding and compassion for self and others.
Thanks for that Hotrod--I also like that u focus on yourself in those statements--basically saying: "this sometimes works for me..." rather than "u should try..."
One time I simply said "not guilty" and walked away, other times I practice my phonics (as they say): "Mmmm" "Ohhhh" "I C", "Huh"
or one time I said "I really don't know how to respond to that" & didn't. I have a friend who says "u know, I can't be my best self right now, so I am not responding to that right now" I keep my dignity and don't get "into it" because I cannot win against the insanity of the disease nor can I or should I try and figure the insanity out. That leads me to insanity or imbalanced thinking.
For you...use your alanon program and hand their disease right back in a detached buy assertive and kind way. I.e...."Sorry you feel so upset but I am not taking blame for that or arguing over it. I guess we just will have to agree to disagree." Then walk away. Don't be an ear or an audience for the BS.